Temporary Insanity

The verdict was in. All the testimonies were over, both the cross-examing and closing statements were finally complete. The only thing left to do was hear the fate that 12 people I would never know decided I should receive. And even though, I know I shouldn't have, I felt...relieved. My attorney sqeezed my hand in an attempt to reassure me. I didn't need reassurance though, because after all these months, I realized I didn't care. 1

"Alice?" my lawyer whispered when I didn't respond. 2

He was a fool, and some days I had almost hated him. But he was good at his job, so I tried to muster a smile for him. 3

Then the judge was asking me to stand. Slowly, I rose to my feet, unconsciously adjusting my favorite yellow dress. It had been his favorite too, before.... I forced the memory back for it consumed me again. 4

"We, the jury, find the defandant, Alice O'Brian, on the sole count of the indictment, murder in the second degree..." 5

Here it comes. 6

"Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity." 7

There was a brief penetrating silence and then the courtroom erupted with sound. Some were happy, some schocked and someone was screaming. I felt my attorney put his arms around me, but I could barely respond. How could this have happened? 8

The judge quickly restored order to his court and then informed that I was free to go. 9

Just like that, I was free. Free...but I would never be free. His face, his eyes, they would always mock me, telling me I would never be free of him. I knew everytime I closed my eyes, he would be there waiting for me. 10

Someone grabbed my hand and led me out of the courthouse and onto the sunny steps. People kept congratulating me. Everywhere I looked someone was smiling at me. What was wrong with these people? Why were they so happy? Didn't they know I had killed my husband? Oh, they knew, but they felt sorry for me. Everyone did. 11

"Poor little thing, she didn't know what she was doing." They would tell each other." 12

Oh yes, those two little words made what I had done okay...temporary insanity. That's why they were happy. 13

Vaguely, I began to recall being happy once, on this very same street. But that was before he had ruined everything. We were going to change the world, me and him. But the world didn't want to be changed, and before my eyes, he threw it all away. 14

Somewhere in the distance I heard church bells. In those joyful notes, I heard the sound of redemption. But I didn't deserve redemption. But nonetheless, the promise was still there. And then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I granted myself a little bit of hope. Just maybe, He would forgive us, for failing Him. Maybe I could get another chance. Slowly, I felt the fog clear just a bit. 15

Behind me, a familiar voice called my name. I turned to see a mother's hate-filled eyes and a gun. Then I felt the impact and blood flowing through my fingers. But I couldn't take my eyes off her defeated face. Oh, he haunted both of us, he did. And I didn't blame her. I slowly sank to my knees. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to tell her it was okay, but my mouth wouldn't open. I began to feel numb and I looked up to my Savior's Face. Forgiveness had been granted. One more time I looked at her, and silently thanked her. My last thought before I went home was a hope that perhaps she too would be found temporarily insane. 16