"Stay Nasvlo, be Nasvlo, keep our nation Nasvlo!" shouted Brian Green. As the TV camera went away and the models left the room, Adonai stared at him. He disliked this, this call to be something that was non-existent within his workforce. Why? Sometimes Brian could take things too far, this wish to have everything under his control.
Brian stared across at Adonai. Sure, there was no such thing as the Nasvlo power- but he liked a man who could spin a good yarn. His men were fighters, aggressive, bold, and perhaps liars. All; that was, except for Adonai. Adonai might have been a liar but he could never be tough, strong, and rigid and neither did Brian want him to be. He was a beautiful man, a man of delicate features. His long hair set against his soft, white cheeks which met his red cherry lips. One could almost describe him as a girl. All but for the rants, the slogans, the mottos which he repeated after Brian on many occasions. It wasn't that he was enforcing the fictionalised group- it was merely that he was giving those who said they were a member were treated with more respect by him. All, that was, except for those in his own social class.
"Brian, why must we continue this lie? Surely it's time to give it a break?"
"No, Adonai, I will not give it a break. I will fight until the last man in the Empire has shot himself with his own bullets or has given in under the pressure of something he is not. And why? Because I need a workforce. Heck, I need money god-damn it an' nobody can take that from me!"
Just at that moment, Alarice entered the room. From her looks, she would have suited the fictional army of Nasvlo- perhaps as an officer's wife. Even Adonai had to admit that she had smooth, long legs, blue eyes and hair the colour of sunlight. Yet, she was no member of Nasvlo. Nobody had been for generations- it had been wiped out with the last great civilisation and had never quite come back into fashion for oneself. It was all well and good, people privately thought, for the logical, cold, dull professions to be filled with such kinds. For the houses to sweat with blood from a thousand Nasvlo housewives whilst they kicked male butt. Or, maybe they didn't even make the distinction- they would pretend to themselves that they were, that they could be Nasvlo- if it was so powerful a trait. But they lied to themselves like a middle class lawyer who thought he was upper class because he had a degree. Alarice was one of these people. She was a powerful woman, one who had beaten many men through battle and ballot. But, at the same time she demanded women stayed in their homes.
"Boys," she called in a half whisper. Her voice of panic swept across them. "The Mountain is burning!"
"It'll be that man, you know, the one who wanted your job. Or, maybe it's terrorists from outside."
"Yeah, yeah, that's what it will be boys," Alarice responded, "Just a little attack from the enemy"
"Well, that ain't the goddamn point now is it? The point is I gotta go down there, make a speech or somethin'. How do I look babe?"
"Just smashing darling"
"Yes, you go make your speeches. I will take over here for a while."1
Does this work without knowing what the fictional 'Nasvlo' association is? Is this a gripping story? What do you think of the depiction of character?
Comments
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Really good!
This is a very good and gripping start. I would continue to develop the characters further although it is very good so far. Very descriptive and good vocabulary. Well done! I look forward to reading further work! Gina xx -
Good Start
This really is a great start. It's definately gripping and leaves me wondering. I'm not quite sure it works without describing Nasvlo...the thing is it works if this is simply the first part and you plan on describing it later, but if you plan to leave it out I'd be confused. It works for now, but in the neext chapter or two I would describe it. The character description is very vivid. Very descriptive and I like it. I don't really have a clear idea of Adonai but the others are great. Overall a very interesting and has a lot of potential for when it is complete. Great start.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Definately a cool fictional-society-type story. A few things i would like to say-first, while its ok that you dont reveal what exactly what the Nasvlo party is, throwing in bits of history without explaining them can be confusing. In the beginning, i would delve a little deeper into who the two men are, and at the end, im not sure who is talking to Alarice. Otherwise, great write!
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I like the fact that your story begins with confrontation (quasi-action), but it is difficult to keep the characters straight without re-reading. I would suggest you put a little more information in the first paragraph about Brian, and then move everyting from "Adonai stared at him." into the second paragraph, where you have used a similar statement anyway. I think you must also start a new paragraph every time you change speakers. That paragraph will have to be marked by an indent or a space between lines. I know the copy paste doesn't lend itself to that, so you will have to go in and correct it as an after thought.
Some comments don't explain themselves and should be dropped or clarified. Examples: "one who had beaten many men through battle and ballot." and "The Mountain is burning!" You need to run a spell check on your story, civilisation / civilization, fictionalised / fictionalization, there may be others.
I think the premise of your story is a familiar one but still interesting. It is definitely worth continuing. I think you are doing well on character development, they seem real and one can begin to sense their personalities. Nice start. Depending on how long a work you envision this as being, I think it moves at a good pace, so far. -crutch
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I think this is an intriguing premise that definitely has potential, though I do find the dialogue sounds a bit forced/unrealistic. Characters are well-developed for the amount of words used.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 4.
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Fascinating Ideas
I really do have a desire to know more about what's going on here - there are traditional elements (a ruling class that wants control over the populace they have nothing but contempt for) and some fantastical elements (the reader can't really pinpoint a time or place here, though Brian Green is a common English name)... ummm, what else? I couldn't tell the guys apart that well in the beginning even though I understand that they are very different. It would help to delineate their thoughts better, strengthen the omniscent narrator a bit.
I love the line "His men were fighters, aggressive, bold, and perhaps liars." My only objection is that Adonai doesn't seem like a liar for his own sake, only to hold up the facade that Brian seems to have created with Navslo, this resurrected platform... Good, I think, to use "old" things - gives the piece a sense of history.
I could probably blather on because I'm intrigued, but I'm also working on "stolen time" at work... Thanks, pozo, for sparking my interest with this piece!beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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