The gravesite was covered with flowers and letters and pictures and tons of other things that people have put on the grave of a girl who was too young to have a grave to begin with. I sat there with my legs crossed underneath me, trying as hard as I could not to cry. That was the last thing that Marnie needed to see me doing over her body. Closing my eyes tightly, I drew in a shaky breath and started speaking.
“Well doll face…you’re finally legal. I can’t believe it’s only been four months. They’ve been some of the slowest months of my life. Full of nothing but sadness, anger, and loneliness. I wanted to thank you for smiling today at your party…it was supposed to rain, and I know the only reason the sun came out was because you were smiling…” my voice stopped working for moment, I couldn’t speak over the huge lump in my throat and I tried to choke it back as hard as I could. I just couldn’t fight back the tears that had been trying so hard to escape. Tears streamed down my face and landed on the ground below me. I wiped my eyes angrily and heaved another shaky sigh, “I miss you like hell girly, and I wish you could have gone to graduation with us. We were all cheering you on…Chris even called your name after he was called up and everyone in the whole place was cheering and clapping…your brother even started crying.”
I glanced down at the class ring that was on my finger and sighed, moving my hands to the chain around my neck. I slipped it over my head and glanced at the ring around it with her birthstone on it and placed it on the ground in front of her gravestone. “I got you a class ring too…I th-think out of all of us, you-you deserve it the most.” I wiped my eyes again and heaved another shaky breath, “fifth period just isn’t the same without you…”
“We all can’t stop talking about you…I took a shot last night, just for you. And I hope that you had a nice birthday wherever it is that you are.” I wiped my eyes on my sleeve again, smearing eyeliner all over the blue fabric. “You know…you were wrong though, your lip ring always did look…always looked better than mine!” I laughed slightly, forcing a smile through my tears. “Last night, the whole gang sang happy birthday to you. We sang it loud enough for you to hear us, Siobhan’s voice even cracked when she sang just like yours used to. We all spent the night just talking about you and swapping all the memories that we have.” I smiled again, “and we made you a cake and everything. We all sat around it and made a wish…the candles weren’t lit though. And somehow, we knew that you were upstairs, just mowwing down on it.” I was sobbing roughly now, tears’ streaming down my face so rapidly that I was surprised the cemetery wasn’t flooding.
“You know…at first I didn’t want to believe what happened. I had convinced myself that it was all a dream and that you’d wake me up with another phone call at two AM because you were wired and needed someone to talk to.” I paused, my voice trembling violently, shaking almost as badly as my body was. “ What really woke me up to what was going on…was when someone asked me if I would say hello to your family for me. At first I just thought, sure! And that I would say hi to you while I was at it…but then I remembered what happened, and it felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again.” I inhaled sharply, and wiped my eyes. “You know…sometimes I still try to call your cell…only to remember that you aren’t going to answer.
“I ca-can’t even remember your voice anymore. I swore to myself after it happened that I wouldn’t let something like this happen. So what I do is I watch all the videos that we all made together just so that I don’t forget anymore. This morning, I watched the one of you, Adeen, Chris and I at the mall when he tried to order the diet water in the food court.” I laughed softly, “I thought we were all going to pee our pants from laughing. Adeen was crying she was laughing so hard, and you were literally on the floor, rolling around and holding your stomach. Do you remember that day? It was so fun. I think it was probably the best time I’ve ever had in my life.”
I wiped my eyes again, unable to stop the waterworks. “I just don’t understand how you could all leave us like this? I remember how I used to talk to you after Zach died…now who can I talk to?” I paused, realizing how selfish I probably sounded. “I just wish that you hadn’t left that day. It feels like everything would be better if you had gone to the bathroom, or left your shift early that you’d still be here…making our lives as rad as you did before that sick fuck walked through the door. But they caught him, Marnie. He’s on trial and we all protested outside for you, girl. You’re finally famous…it’s just shitty that you’re famous for something so horrible. But it’s all about you now. Everyone is crying for you and your face is in the papers almost every day, even now. We want you back…
“I keep thinking that one day you’ll just walk into my house with a huge grin on your face and tell me that I was stupid for actually falling for such a lame prank. But I know that it’s not going to happen.” I rolled up my pant leg and looked up at the sky, “remember the guitar pick you gave me? I turned it into an ankle bracelet and I carved your initials into it. I never take it off. And Chris found the emo glasses he borrowed from you last year. We’re all glad that he didn’t give them back because now we all have something to remember you by. Siobhan…she framed that picture you drew for her in ninth grade of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. It’s up on her wall, Adeen…she-she has your old Converse that she stole from you after one of our sleepovers and had you autograph. See? We haven’t forgot you hun. We still think about you all the time. And we constantly think about all the fucked up stuff we used to do.”
I clamped my mouth shut; unable to speak…it hurt too much. I just sat there and cried for what seemed like an eternity. Four months of mourning poured through my eyes and my chest ached with emotion. I was unable to speak for almost an hour. And finally, I just took another breath and started up again…
“I don’t want to hurt anymore, Marne. I want to be able to just wipe my eyes and look at a picture of you without feeling like someone is drilling a hole in my heart. We all do. So just do me a favor, okay? Laugh for me, wherever you are. Laugh so loud that you shake the earth and make us all hear it.” I paused again and sighed, “laugh like the time Chris tried to skateboard down the escalator at the mall…or when Zach tried to ask the store manikin to Prom. Because as much as we love you, and miss you…we miss your laugh so much more.”
I gently stroked the ring on the chain that I had placed on the ground and stood up. I kissed my fingertips and pressed it to her gravestone, gently. “Just come back to us, okay? Just long enough to laugh for a few seconds…just to let us know that dying hasn’t changed anything and that you’re still the same insane, funny, sarcastic girl that we’ve known since pre-school.” I heaved another shaky sigh, “happy birthday, Marnie. I’ll come back and see you some other time…and I’ll bring everyone with me.”
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