where i want to be pt 4

EIGHT1

Watching Yankee from the hallway
I laugh as he cuts himself shaving
throwing the ravor in the sink
splashing water on his face
patting it dry and swearing
repeating 'Shit' like it's
the only word he knows.2

there's a party in Avondale
at eight.3

He's been showering for
two hours4

shaving5

trying to make himself 'Pretty' ( a word I use)
as if he's already not.6

I always tell him he'll look
like Michael Jackson one of these days
if he doesn't lay off his looks.7

I mean, normally, girls
worry about8

their butt swelling the size
of a Elephant's ass9

the shape of their thighs10

if their faces are to chubby
too thin
nose to small
or too big11

we're that insecure.12

most of us anyway.13

but14

it's shocking to watch your
brother
a guy
so obsessed about his looks.15

sometimes
I wonder if he's bulimic.16

radio spins a Luny Tunes disc
I crank up the volume
laugh at my brother
take the camera and print his
image onto the film.17

he says, "Don't you got some shit to do
or something?" he hates it when I stare-
watch him dress. I don't know why.
But he does. There aren't too many things I do that
agrravateYankee.18

This does.19

I take advantage of it.20

No, I don't. I say, grinning.
Even if I did, I'd trade it to watch
you shave.21

flash blinks again
i smile.22

ma tells him to use hair clippers because
razors are sensitive on his skin-which cracks me up
because he's always saying his body is made of steel.23

he glares
gives me the finger
tells me to piss off.24

I give him the finger
the pig face and
snort.
He laughs and calls me crazy.25

we do this every weekened.26


NINE27


"Last chance to come with me,"
sings Yankee, grabbing his keys
his wallet
his cell
off the table.28

He kisses ma
who's too busy reading People's
to return his 'Love you'29

my brother has been trying to get
me to come hang with his crew for weeks
now.30

it's his way of saying, "I want to spend time with you"
since we don't talk much
and
I don't see him for days
sometimes a week
cause he's across town making long greens
or with his many girlfriends.31

I would.
but it's not my scene.
me, a punk-goth
hanging with a bunch of
gangstas-
I'd be the odd girl out
not fitting in.
Plus, I might make Yankee look
bad. Not that he should care
what people say
but I think he does.32

shaking my head
I tell him to go without me
saying, "Maybe next time."
though I don't mean it.33

He shrugs as if to say:34

Okay
whatever
no big deal
yeah, maybe next time.35

"Adios." he waves, and leaves.36