where i want to be pt 3

SIX1

Papi called this afternoon.2

checking to be
sure that we were
clothed, eating, had enough money.3

I said yes, leaving out
that our increasing amount
of funds is coming from
crack income.4

he and I talked
about his life
in rehab5

without us
where it's lonely
cold
and
empty6

surrounded by
other men and woman
with a theripist
who's trying to cure
them with words
and
day
at
a
times7

step
by
steps8

sometimes he listens
sometimes he doesn't.9

he says, "Good news, I'll be home in a few months."
and I think, Great, it'll be good to have you home
soon
maybe things will go back to their
original order around here.10

he asks about me:
how am I doing
do I have boyfriend
am I having sex
doing drugs
tampering with the law11

I roll my eyes
annoyed
and papi seems to know
cause he says,12

"Don't give me that look. I have a right to know."13

ugh.
Parents.
they don't care about your humilation.
public or not.
things like that are supposed to be private.14

well...sorta.15

I say, No
I do not
I am not
I am not
and
I am not
and
I guess I'm okay16

breathing
seeing
hearing17

everythings...fine.18

papi chuckles
says nothing else
static filling in the silence.19

minute later he perks
up, says he misses me
loves me
loves ma
loves Yankee
can't wait to see us again.20

Things will be different, He says before we hang up.21

I almost believe him.
Things will never get better.
They will always remain an uncleaned mess.22

SEVEN23

Ma's scribbling in her little black book24

calender dates to remind her of bills:
lights
water
cable
rent25

she writes a grocery list for
the Fourth of July bar-b-que in two weeks
writing "COAL, PLASTIC WARE" in bold letters
so she won't forget like last year26

she writes three prayers27

one for Papi-that he will come home a changed man
one for Yankee-that God keeps him safe out on the streets
one for me-that I will find whatever it is I am looking for.28

we all complain about this.
but ma shushes us
ignores us
so we let her say her prayers
as long as she doens't make us
do it too.29

once her penning is done
she putters around the kitchen
turning stove knobs
boiling water
dumping lobster in the pot
kneading dough
humming to Shirley Ceasar30

I watch
like I used to
when I was five
when things were good.31

I almost tell her about
Papi calling
but decide not to
and glide down the hall to my room,
shutting the door.32