Aurora crouched behind the corner. Someone was coming. Another guard. How many were there in this damn place, anyway? This was at least the twentieth she’s seen. But, she told herself, all that didn’t matter. She tried to blend in with the shadows, and held her sword close. Its not that she was afraid of the guard, oh no. To consider such a thought would be against all that she stood for. If given her choice, she would have killed him with a single swipe of her sword. But, the Teacher had wanted the item to be retrieved with as little attention as possible. The command gave her permission to kill, but only if absolutely necessary. The guard walked right past her, without even noticing her. Stupid man, she thought. Her kind did not think highly of men. The Teacher and the students were all female. 1
Though she was a girl, Aurora wasn’t afraid of the male guards. She could easily overpower them with the training she had received. She was lucky, her family was one of higher power, and she had enough money to have her weapons custom-made. Aurora didn’t know what she would do without her sword, the hilt and edge of the sword the purple of her family’s color, or her bow, also tinted purple, which currently hung across her back. Both were made to last all the years of work she was prepared for. 2
Aurora herself was clad in deep purple, almost black. She wore the softest, most flexible clothes she could buy. She had black boots and a velvet cape that was the same color as the rest of her cloths. She had her family’s trademark violet eyes, and brown hair which she had let grow out to her waist. She had died it black with purple tips. Her hair was tied back with a dark purple sash that was then wrapped around her waist as a belt. She thought highly of her family, and honored them in any way possible by wearing only purple, and making it her color of choice. 3
She walked through the familiar halls. She was silent, not noticed. It was what the training taught her. And for her current mission, she needed all of it. She was her Teacher’s best student, and couldn’t let the Teacher down by failing. This outcome would change all of them forever. She could be killed if she failed, because she knew too much. Or she could be rewarded beyond anything she could imagine. The rest could be saved from a prophesied failure. And the item that needed retrieving, well, that would change the outcome all by itself. 4
There was a prophecy written long ago. Aurora had the part that included her memorized.5
.....So that the chosen one can be broughten to the Teacher of these women. He will be taught in their ways and giving the most luxurious items and all his wishes will be met. He will then lead the way toward the battle. He is the choice between failure and success of these fighters. The one with purple eyes.....6
It was the point of the mission. She was to bring Him to the Teacher. The only male they would accept in their ranks. She was the worthy one to bring him. She was one to play her part in her and her Teacher’s, and all her students, futures. So she could not fail. 7
She stopped outside a door. One that was as plain as the rest, yet stood out. Slowly she opened it to revel the young boy inside.8
"Hello, Little brother"9
Author notes
dont ask....please dont ask. lol, i thought my name would be fitting for the character.....
~Aurora
A contest entry
- THE PRINCESS SAVES THE DAY/HERSELF by TheLittleOne-Paul.
500 points, ended November 7, 2006, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
lol. weird story....
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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An interesting storie, although, I agree that the plot is overused. Nice twist with the little brother bit, but slightly obvious where the storie is going. If you are to contunue it I would suggest make a few family/relationship twists. this could do well for the storie. other than that, it is cool.
And Namine, shut up about the ..... thing, it is cool the way it is. anyway, talk to you later, maybe
Kenneth
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I like this story. Yeah power to the women! Anyway, good story. Now on to all the others of ur storys...that sentence makes no since...oh well...
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Your contest submission meets all of the contest requirements with ease. Your story has a female action hero character and she is definitely portrayed as being involved in major adversity and conflict, fighting the good fight. Good job at fitting your story into the contest and helping in the battle to get more female action characters into newly developed stories.
Now let me give you some of my impressions on your story
> The storyline and plotlines are both well designed and
executed. You have chosen a typical storyline commonly used in this style and though it is well executed there is still a feeling of been there, seen that before to the story. I think you should give consideration to the introduction of some sort of unique twist or addition to the story/plot that would set this story apart from the crowd.
> The scene settings and presentation to the readers are well
developed and their execution was smooth in their
implementation. If you are going to rely so much upon the choice and use of colours in the story then I think you should develop this concept further with more detailed reader information of the colour schemes importance to the MC and her background.
> The character descriptions and dialogue were very well
presented to the reader and were in good support of the story
and plot.
> The use of the conflict component is both well used and moves the storyline and the plotline forward and to keeps the overall pace of the story moving along at a nice readable clip. The use of the action component is not well developed and tends to drag on the plot line and slows the action scenes. There is not enough tension and drama in any of the action scenes to prevent this negative impact on the plotline. However it is implemented, whether through character dialogue or the descripitive components the action scenes need "action/drama/feelings/emotions".
All in all this is a very well designed and developed story. It is well presented to the reader. It is executed hand in hand with good reader interest and it holds the reader’s attention throughout the reading. Excellent writing. Excellent display of a true female action hero character.
Paul
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I think the plot is rather interesting, though slightly overused in the fiction world.
Anyway - the story/chapter as a whole seems okay, but your sentence structure could be improved upon. For example, ellipses are suppose to only consist of three periods, not six. Also, I think you have, on a whole, used a lot of short sentences. Short sentences are good to lead the reader in, but too much of them... makes the story abrupt. Many of your short sentences could be merged to become a longer sentence, in my opinion. For one, you could consider changing 'Someone was coming. Another guard.' into something else altogether.
And to pick on specific sentences/areas:
'Its not that she was afraid of the guard, oh no.' The usage of 'its' is much like the usage of the [name]'s, and is not the word, I believe, you were trying to use, which is It's. Also, the 'oh no' in the sentence stands out from the narrator's voice, making the sentence, as a whole, rather awkward.
''Aurora herself was clad in deep purple, almost black.' If it's purple, it's purple. If it's black, it's black. Pick one.
'She had black boots and a velvet cape that was the same color as the rest of her cloths. She had her family’s trademark violet eyes, and brown hair which she had let grow out to her waist. She had died it black with purple tips.' She had this... She had that... This entire passage reads of a list, which feels boring after a while. Instead of telling the reader all this, you could, perhaps, go more indepth into her family's trademarks, and how she got them. Also, the story first tells us she has brown hair, and then suddenly mentions that she had 'died it black with purple tips' (the word is dyed, not died) - it's a very confusing list. I suggest that you mention her hair was black and purple tips before you tell the readers that it used to be brown.
'"Hello, Little brother"' The 'l' shouldn't be captialized, and there is supposed to be a period at the end, afte brother.
For the plot and backstory, I assume, because this seems more like a prologue than anything else, that you will slowly fill the readers in about why 'her kind' hated those of the other gender, and how the 'chosen one' came to be.beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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Wow Aura... This is good... Ok... Now im done attempting to write a good heart-felt comment. >.< You really did a good job though. There are a couple spelling errors but.. Eh... You knew I would say that Lol Well.... TTFN
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Enjoyable read
Hi 13year old, really enjoyed Aurora, I enjoy reading you're stuff, it holds the attention, and is never heavy.
Ps, one thing throws me...so that the chosen onecan be BOUGHTEN to the teacher.
is boughten an American word?beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Great idea!
Hey, this is an awesome idea! Can I write one about Trillian, or would that be copying you?
Anyway, this story is written like a pro. It's totally unlike all your other works, but it's an exciting read. Keep it up!
Dasha
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Potential
There is potential here for a great character and story. The imagery, especially the colors and their meaning are great but perhaps could use a little more explanation as to the reasoning behind it. Also there is not much tension in the story. It seems as if the character is undertaking a dangerous mission, but it seems like she took a stroll through the park. Try adding some emotional or sensual aspects to depict the environment and the pressure.
Overall, its a good beginning, but in order to proceed, a little more depth is needed. Keep it up!
beginning: 1, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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Thanks for all the help!
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COOL!
Wow, this is really cool. I don't think that I took my eyes off it once! It's really decriptive, which helps make it more realistic! Great write!!! -
really cool
i thouroghly enjoyed this, you described the character so intimately, i felt as if i was there.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Fab-u-dab!
OOh I love. She's a purple freak, eh? haha. Love everything about this. Pace, plot, characters...all fab! Keep it going! Lilbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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yeah weird lol. is there more to this posted, this is interesting, i like the beginning and the end. i think you should write more, you left us hanging. yeah aurora is a good name for the character I think. Is that your real name, it's so cool! Jinx
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it was a little strange, but it got easier to understand as i kept reading. you picked a great colour as purple is the colour of royalty, and its a great colour in general.
lol
Meaky
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Weird is right!
LOL but I still enjoyed it. In the first paragraph, (Behind the corner)?? I am not sure you can go behind a corner, just sounds a little odd. Few grammar errors but nothing major. Good read.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I don't know if you are really suppose to but I always put my characters thoughts in quotes "". As I said before I don't know if your suppose to.
In my opinion is one sentence you have (and this is just the middle) "the hilt and edge of the sward the purple of her family's color," I understood it, it just seems like it's off alittle. Maybe a comma. I don't know.
This was great. Minor errors but who doesn't have them. Mine are riddle with them. You are going to go on with this right?
~Syren~
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, characters: 5.
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I agree with KISS, it's cool. If you continue this, count on me to read it!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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ooh! this is brilliant...you should definately keep going with this! im very interested as to where this is going keep going!!!!! please
xxxxx
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