My Pastor

As she was headed for the door, click, echoes the sound of the lights flicking off. It was pitch black and all she could hear was the beating of her heart. She was completely separated and alone. Just keep your eyes down, she thought. He approached the door smoothly placing his hand over the lock. She fixated her self to a picture on the wall. That was me, and my mentor at a convention, he stated. He approached slowly, but hesitantly, placing his hands to caress her hair. You are beautiful, he said in a lustful voice. Thank you, she replied in a quivering tone as her eyes were immersed on his. She was unable to react to his desire, but just stood in distress. Thump, thump, as the hammering on the door got louder. He then looked intensely into her eyes before he was persuaded away to the door. Not here not know, come on, what are you thinking, yelled another man who was positioned at the doorway. Come on, as he sighed, then forcefully placing his hand around her arm, lets go, as she was guided out of the room.
Christians are not perfect, just forgiven1


Heart broken and stricken with grief, depression came over me as I heard the words of my youth pastor T say, "I think it would be a good idea if you were to attend another church.” As I sat pondering on what he said nights before, "J, I am going to start to kick out all the bad seeds from the church". Which he never did explain to me why? All I wanted to do was cry, but I did what I new best, rebelled again, against him and the church. I then started to grow further and further away from God and trust. I knew he did not want me to hang with Maria. Another girl who attended the church, who was a bad influence and a compulsive liar. Months went buy, and my biggest fear approached. Tom was leaving, moving away, abandoned yet by another friend whom I loved so dearly. The sadness look upon the youths face as he was driving off in a bus headed towards Georgia. As T placed his hand upon the window, saying a silent goodbye to us all, who again felt alone and abandoned. I grew closer to Maria as the empty days passed that T was no longer with us. Then I reminded myself what he left. He left me thoughts, to be strong and carry on and press in to the good fight, don’t let there be a battle you won’t fight, as I hear his words echoing throughout my mind. So I did, I decided to attend another church in the Boston area. It was late, but the church doors were still open. As my friend M and I arrived in the parking lot, we decided to go in, it was new members night. As I remember sitting in the church seats listening to this man preach, I thought to myself he was funny, like T use to be. As the night progressed, the end of the sermon was near. Pastor M was his name, as I heard him state right before the sermon was over. He then approached M and I and asked if he could take our picture, I replied, "why", and he stated that it was routine to take new members pictures, so they could get to know us. So we accepted and he took our pictures. As we where leaving the church, Pastor M approached me and gave me his card, with his number on the back, saying if I ever needed his help, to call. I then walked away, thinking that I had another Christian in my life that could help in times of need. Days went by and my mother was drinking heavily again so I decided to call Pastor M. He said that he would meet me in Dorchester, so we could converse together. Pastor M was a good listener and had great advice. We spent lots of time together. I thought I was lucky to find another friend like T was. Months went by and this particular night I will not forget, after Pastor M and I went out to eat, he dropped me off at my house and as I was getting out of the car he reached over and tried to kiss me, I was in shock and ran into my house crying, he must of called 20 times that night, denying his intentions. Until I finally picked up the phone to tell him also that I wanted to kiss him. How I wish I never said that, but I was desperate for a friend and someone who cared. I thought if I kissed him we would remain friends and that was all the relationship would be. It was for a while, until he did little things like place his hand on my leg in church and isolated me from others, so I would not tell – his secret. I tried but all I heard was what a great guy Pastor M was. I then introduced Mari to Pastor M as we went to his house to watch TV. I should of known, but I was young and naive. He asked if we have ever watched porno’s before, Maria and I just looked at each other in surprise, replying, “no way”. He then went to say if you switch back and forth really quick you can catch some glimpses of girls on HBO. We soon left that night and all was soon forgotten. I then decided to call my old Pastor J.D to see if what he was saying was appropriate or not, he said, “No, that he should not be telling us things like that”, even though he himself would ask similar questions, so I could not trust either of them. I then decided to write a letter to T in G. Telling him what was going on. I did not get a reply so; I still hung around Pastor M. We went to museums and for long walks. As we approached the woods, he was sitting upon a trunk and I was facing the lake. He said, “come here” and we started to kiss again. At first I thought it was so grouse to kiss a man twice my age, me being 18 and he being 43, but I got use to it. He then went to place my hand on his private and I was so scared I did what he said, but then I snapped and started to bawl. I put my hands over my head and crawled up into a ball, wishing Tom was back. Pastor M did not know what to do, he just kept saying, “stop yelling, people will here you. I am sorry okay just stop”. I then stopped eventually and we walked silently back to his car, with tears still undulating down my face. How can a pastor do this? I thought. I then said, “Do you not love your wife? How come you never talk about God to me? “Well, J, because I think of you sexually and I know that is wrong so I don’t bring God, I am a pervert and you are just so sexy to me. Yes I do love my wife but I am not attracted to her anymore”. He went on to quote Solomon and how he had many women. As we approached his car he tried again to have interaction with me and I still did not want to; it happened anyways.
As I did not know T has decided to come home because Georgia was not what he expected. I was so happy to find out that he was back. The first thing I did was call him and he said he wanted to talk to me ASAP. That day I drove down to his house and we talked about what happened between me and Pastor M and that he wanted to meet with him personally. The next day he met with Pastor M and told him to leave me alone. As far as that discussion, I still do not know to this day what was said. But Pastor M had the audacity to call me while he was in a meeting with T. I quests he just did not get it, nothing sunk in. tom then went to his church and told him to admit what he did and to step down from his position.
Weeks later I got enough nerve to go to is church and speak with Pastor C another Pastor at his church. He said that he did not have time to talk to me, but if I waited he could talk. So I decided to wait for his service to finish, but Pastor M arrived, he saw me talking to another kid in the youth group and asked what I was doing, with a uneasy look upon his face. I was nervous and said nothing. He then grabbed my arm and escorted me out of the church, as we arrived outside in the parking lot, Pastor C came out to ask if everything was okay, well Pastor then hastily put me into his car and said, “yes that everything was fine”, and we drove off, and later to have interaction again.
I figured that if I slept with Pastor M he would not hurt T, since he has threatened my life also I, knew what he was capable of. Late one evening I was driving home to look upon my rear view mirror, a car was following me. Well to my bewilderment it was a friend of Pastor M, he wanted to kill me, but again to my surprise M stepped in and told him to back of and to leave me alone, he said, “It is not J’s fault, she did not tell”. Pastor M would sit in front of my house night after night and finally I asked him why, he just replied that he just wanted to make sure I was home. He then started to stalk and follow me around. One evening my cousin and I were driving around and he approached us at a red light. My girls were yelling, “go get money, if he is obsessed with you go get some money from him”. Peer pressure sunk in and I walked up to his window and asked if I could have some cash. He grabbed my arm and said, “I want you so bad”; I pulled away and grasped the twenty from his hand. We then drove off and he followed behind, so we sped up and flew down B H Avenue and eventually lost him.
Pastor Mike eventually stepped up and broke down in front of the whole church, admitting what he did. His wife also called and apologizes to me, for her husband’s actions. I always felt that I missed out on a friendship because of Pastor M being attracted to me. I never understood why he cheated and did the things he did, but I eventually figured it all out. Still to this day I have been in contact with Pastor Mike. Pastor C is still pastoring at this church, (found out because two friends from ENC work and attend this church now) I wish I could tell them my story so maybe they can be aware. C did try to stop M, but was unsuccessful. Pastor M still works with young girls and still cheats and goes about his destructive way, as he recently stated. His Pastor always wanted to speak to me and to this day still does, but I see no point, since the harm is already done. 2


Pastor M, 3

Hatred for all things mostly for trust
The evil keeps lurking and hides where it must
Each shred of dignity falls piece by piece
I just try not to think about what’s going on
They do what they can to get me to be free
I just go with the flow and hope for the day
When my memories are erased of when he had his way
You've all had your say and you've said it out loud
I could have fought back - but I was weak then and I am weak now
You kept me sheltered so I would not tell.
But it still all came out..
He was your friend; a pastor, but silence enables this to continue
But my true Pastor knew, he did what he could to stop you,
Eight years later you continue 4

Where does reality begin and end,
Does it lie within a circle's flow?
Am I Me from past or Me from now
And how come we won't let go?
The things that I know
Of hurts played out upon us deep
Turned inside out and back again
The sense of whom I was to be
Is caught in a drowning maelstrom
Of Want and Fear and Need
Can you recognize the acrid smell of fear?
Or see what color it paints your dreams?
Have you ever willed your lungs to breathe?
While praying that breath would cease?
And that dying forces can overcome us
And some scars never heal,
That you can't find whom you are inside
And where to connect to what is real
You think he can't enter your spirit,
That you're fighting off the blows
But time reflects your error as he settles
Deeper than even your Psyche knows
I wear the mask, I dance the dance
Of a woman free from scars and pain,
But remove the mask and I'm unrecognizable
Even though I look the same
Dear Lord, haven't I had enough?
Why can't I bleed away pain from my soul?
Why can't wishing and willing and wanting to
Be enough to make me whole?
You haunt my nights
Your shadow dwells in my days
Will this ever go away?
Every corner I turn
Every noise I hear
Is it you again, are you near?
Why do I have to live with fear?
When it's you that violated me.
Do I haunt your nights?
Do you see my shadows in your day?
Do you ever think of me? Yes of course you told me; sexually
As you are able to continue to play
What if this was your little girl?
Would it have shattered your world?
Know that she is the age I was
Know do you think twice of what you have done
Sometimes, but you still are willing to have your fun.
A secret told, but behold, a secret deeper than it holds.
A secret is best left
Kept,
To the grave you say, but is it you or him
That I really hate.
Yes you are strong and I am weak, "never so no to me"
This secret that is left, you are right it will always be kept,
Ill never tell as I promised, in my heart it seeps,
In our hearts it keeps, but this disease is what I will see,
When I can’t forget and be reminded constantly of when you
Took advantage of me.
You apologize and say your sorry, but you continue
So what am I suppose to believe.
a letter to my pastor.5

Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, who's this man who's been so kind? Sturdy arms to hold you tight, The rock that holds you back from flight. 6

Here these cries--Woman's body, child's mind, Needs to break the ties that bind, Needs this man to save her soul, Absolve the sins that make her cold. 7

Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, what's that face you hide behind? Masked confusion, covered pain, Trust rebuilt and lost again. 8

Here these cries --Woman's body, child's mind, Oh so needy, Oh so blind. Take her body, the games begin... "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." 9

Hear this cry -- hear the truth. Talked to you for years, through all those tears, did you forget who I was, what I stood for, believed in? Did you forget what was said? I had turned to you in grief and despair. In that time of sorrow, in that time of need, I became the victim of your sick greed. 10

Hear this cry -- my whisper in the wind. A silent rage that I'd turned within. Thought you were my healer, pastor, and friend. You, on that pedestal the slayer of my soul, crippled my mind, and committed your sin! 11

Hear this cry -- hear it in the rain. Bleeding from this wound is emotional pain. 12

Hear this cry -- hear my shout. You've remained in my mind creating and maintaining self-doubt. You are guilty of betrayal. Now the truth is out. 13

Hear this cry -- Who has cried as I, "What's the use?" You trusted ones, cloaked in fake flowers, leave your victims sexually, and emotionally shattered. 14

Hear this cry -- hear the thunder, lightning striking all around. You and your kind will finally be found. The world will know your injurious crimes, and know of the damage done to our minds. 15

Hear this cry -- the sound of silence. There will come a time for balance. I'll find life's key embedded in my own ground. I am removing your cloak, shattering the pedestal, and in its place plant real flowers. You who are naked, known by all to be villains, will at last be victims of your own ruin.

Here my cry -- That's what they say, Then let me ask you shouldn't it be, That the pastor of the church have integrity? But again and again you only show, Integrity is a word you do not know, A virtue you left behind, The day you crossed that sacred line. 16

Here your cry -- Another thing I'd like to know, Are you so delusional you do not hear, The conscience inside that surely must speak, Of the havoc and pain you so casually wreaked? 17

Here a cry –keeping my mouth shout, but still shouting your name. Just follow me." Planning his move with lust in his eye, It begins with kindness, praise and flattery, Quickly the pedestal grew towards the sky, Oblivious of the danger,A man glorify.

Here his cry --I want you, I need you, I love you my dear, Most important don't tell anyone, About our little affair, The kind of questions, indiscretions, Endured for months, Eventually I tell you that I want out. 18

Here her cry --This guilt, this pain is destroying me, Onto the next round called cruelty, Sadistic sermons, comments and leers,Hiding in closets shaking with fear, what you took from me was very dear. 19

Here his cry -- desperate to save his broken wife, For he is the only one who can see, How silence bound me, stripped me and wound me, Into a tight knot of shame and rage, While you, the predator, act so proud, That I willingly walked into your cage, God was my life, then God became you, Aware, but uncaring, what you put me through, Naive and vulnerable I handed you my heart, Onto the final round called guilt and self-blame, For letting myself be a pawn in your game. 20

Here her words --I speak my words, my truth, People listen, but do they really hear? I bare my soul for all to see. I take the risk. I make the leap. I speak my words again. Telling all. Telling of the anguish, the self-loathing, the flashbacks, and dreams. I've been told that the truth sets you free, but it seems to have imprisoned me.

Here the words --Why do the facts play over and over? Why do the fears return as if it was today they played upon that office wall? Why do the emotions seem on edge and raw? Why do the pictures that pop in my head turn inward and I cannot stop them anymore? 21

Here the secret --Your hands on my body, practiced the art of control, My body in your hands, learned compliance, an object of your lust. the day I was released from the prison of your carelessness the day, my soul renamed itself22


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