Sir Justin's Journal (Avalon) part II

Within the stables all is calm. The fine, well bred horses mill about peacefully in their stalls, quietly chomping on bits of hay. A barn owl safely cleans his feathers high in the cross members of the roof.

Despite the boys rushing in excitedly only a few moments before, the horses, comfortable in their stalls, pay little attention. When all of a sudden, from the courtyard outside, is heard the anxious cries of alarm.

DARK ELF! DARK ELF!! Where? Where? IN THE KNIGHTS QUARTERS! HURRY! WE CAN"T LET HIM ESCAPE!

An owl in the rafters above bobs its head with each shout, looking carefully around, ready to take flight at the first sign of danger. The increase of noise and emotional outbursts from outside the stables quickly starts to cause another effect inside.

Within each one of the stalls, the mares and stallions, startled, start to buck about. Sir Justin is alarmed as well by the sound of a man’s panic filled yell of, ”DARK ELF!, DARK ELF!!" and the sound of running feet coming from the court yard just beyond the walls.

Alerted now himself by this terrible report, he pulls together his remaining strength to enter his room and don his light but strong elfin armor. Despite his weakened state he can not let these people stand alone against such a potentially dangerous foe...

Pulling himself together as best he can, he quickly dons his armor. The water the boy gave him is the only source of energy he has to draw on. The weight of the armor alone feels immense, yet, he continues.

In what seems like hours, though only a few minutes have passed, he finally finishes his preparations by strapping on his sharp elfin blade and throwing his bow and quiver across his left shoulder away from his sword arm.

Though dust covers and dulls his normally brilliant black armor and his hair hangs long across his back, he steps out bravely through the doorway, ready to confront the evil one, that must, nearby somewhere, await.

Suddenly he hears, deep within the confines of his mind, Lord Griffin's silent and psychic call to arms. Realizing that part of himself has been in constant battle on yet another plane, he draws that missing power back to himself in order to face this more immediate threat outside.

Walking to the entrance of the court yard he sees the bustle and startlement of the peasants and immediately, though silently, calls upon his companions.

Above the frightened murmurs of the gathering crowd he hears the piercing screech of an eagle and the howl of a large wolf in the distance. Closer still, in the stables nearby, a commotion begins. And though unseen by those around... he smiles.

~~O~~ 1

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1 - 7 of 7

  • Kylia Skydancer Greeters member
    July 2, 2006
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    let's do the spelling thinng.

    well "bred"

    quickly "dons" his armor (heh, I can tell you're american. lazy spelling, don't use any "U"s)

    Those are the ones that jumped out at me. Now, onto the review.

    lol while I was suggesting you use more commas in your first chapter, you seem to have overcompensated here a bit.


    "The water the boy gave him the only source of energy he has to draw on. "

    that line seems to have a tense confusion. It might make more sense if you said, "The water the boy had given him the only source of energy he has to draw on."

    Hmm, this seems to be moving along although I'm still waiting to feel that "connection" that will wrench me into walking with the characters.

    I'm also having trouble dealing with the language of everything being in present tense but that's just me.

    Not really much to say right now. Stay tuned, till the next chapter.

    language: 4, plot: 4, characters: 3.


    • DennisP1
      July 2, 2006
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      You are Right!

      I am starting to notice the present tense thing.. Yet, for the most part the characters in these first two sections are minor ones. I did rewrite the first chapter and after looking over this one think I should take the rest down till I have a chance to edit them a little more.. I can write better than this.

      Wait till I tell you before reading the next one. K?

      Den

      • Kylia Skydancer Greeters member
        July 3, 2006

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        yeah, the presnt tense bit is one of the harder ones to write and read, sorta like first-person. Either way, you always notice when someone is using it.

        Hmm...I guess I just assumed Justin would be a major character because of the the title.

        Sure I can wait, just im me when you want me to take a look.

        • DennisP1
          July 3, 2006
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          I hate Sir Justin!

          I think I hate Sir Justin. I have written about 20,000 words in this story and he is still sleeping!

          One of the problems I have with this character is that he is a beast master. As such he tends to rely heavily on his animal friends to pull him out of danger. Also, in my opinion, this would make him less social, since he spends more time with animals then people. Now I have placed him in a castle and don't know what the heck to do with him. The drow spy that makes an appearance in chapter 6 is easy to understand in comparison to this guy.

          Grrrr


          • Kylia Skydancer Greeters member
            July 3, 2006
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            a lil too much info :P

            ...considering I haven't continued past this chapter yet.

            • DennisP1
              July 3, 2006
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              Laughing.. sorry, I'm just a little frustrated right now. Perhaps you should just read it.. Your input has been and is very helpful.

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