Broken Back ch. 8

knocking...what..
helloooo
i could barely fucking see.
it was daytime, that's for sure. and did my eyes ever tell me. i just lay there until i hear the door open, that i never lock...footsteps
ohh
hi
i..uhhhm
claire....it's ok..
i have to go to the washroom . now.
she knew what i meant when i said that. she knew.
i'd im wondering what the fuck she thinks about the asian babe lying on the couch....with me. fuck.1

i don't even think about it right now. i head right to the washroom. i suppose claire could have done anything...but instead she followed me. didn't say anything.
and it comes. hard...and yes..blood ...lots of it..
i feel her hands hold my sides
i wanted to cry
but i didn't
no
show nothing2

as everything subsided..
tim
yes
where's your meds. i know you need them.
be strong. don't look at her eyes
in the kitchen drawer next to the fridge
and in a flash she was back with them.
thanks
she doesn't say anything
and for quite some time...neither do i.3

my date got the hint and left.
didn't even say goodbye
probably never see her again. but as i sat out on the porch with claire, after a few drinks and a few lines...
which claire doesn't even react to, she just goes on about her flight and thanking me for the limousine. i apologize to her about ...her. she sais it doesn't matter.
she continues on with her story about her flight and can't believe i upgraded her to 1st class. that was a gimme. i just stare at her...just stare. nod. here and there.
claire
yes
why are you here?
what do you mean?
why are you here?
you know...the conference...
claire...
she pauses. she looks out at the ocean and sun catches her hair as a gust of wind blows and it shimmers blonde honey. and i think to myself, all the possible responses she might give at this moment...but mostly just staring. god. she's beautiful. i don't like that. suddenly a little rush of pain sweeps at my stomach.
ok. ok...i ...didn't have to attend this conference. but i chose to be here tim. i know you know i'm not stupid ...and i knew you weren't either. so don't tell me you didn't knew
this time i paused
yeah. yeah
i looked down at the ocean. thinking. thinking of what to say right now...and it's not coming easy.
claire
yes
i'm dying
i know
i looked back at the sea.....
she knew what i was trying to say before i even had to say it ...so i didn't.
we just sat there
obviously, there was no answer to the question.
but it seemed good enough for now. or i knew it was right...and so did she.
so we sat...but i knew i had to say it out loud...but...fuck it.
claire
yes
you can't involve yourself with a dying man
you're not dead yet, tim. dying...yes. but not dead yet. and you don't have to be. you can stop this. what are you running from tim?
eyes half-glazed...i don't even move at any of what she said. i stare out at the ocean, take another drink.
pain
pain?
i turned and looked at her and said..aren't we all running from pain, claire? somehow. someway.
she didn't answer right away.
she just stared out at the ocean too
all i saw was a tear flow down her cheek4

we kind've went on to a different day from there. that was enough for now. for the both of us. i took her through the house...and suggested we have lunch in the pool...then head out on the boat for awhile. so i made the phone call for the caterers, ordered lunch...led her to her room. as she settled in, i had a few morphine pills, and smoked some crack outside..
we met at the pool and went to the jacuzzi first.
i drank
she drank
tim
i looked at her
yeah
she had a smile on her face
why me? it's not like you couldn't have anyone.
i was surprised. she was talking about me and totally seperating my pain and addictions. she was talking to me. me.
i didn't really remember the last time i smiled like this.
why? because i'm rich?
no
because of who you are
and ..achem...handsome.
i smiled
i was lightly nodding my head
you don't look like you'd have any problems, claire..
not looking at her..
claire
yes
i'm not going to kiss you
i'm not going to start this
you don't want this
i'm already here
fuck
...and with that, she leaned over and kissed me. i felt my whole body melt and tears came to my eyes so fast, it was alarming. it was like the first time i ever kissed and like none before at the same time. she sat on my lap, arms around my neck...and just kept kissing me.
and i..was kissing back. like i never had before.5

we stopped there..breathless. and lunch came. we took our plates and drinks....and moved out into the hot sun..
i sat across from her and she moved her chair to be right next to me. her hand brushed my neck. and i hadn't said a word...and didn't till the end of the night. she just leaned forward with a strawberry on her fork...stuck it in my mouth....and smiled at me.
and kissed me.6

as we watched the sea...had our lobster, ...drank our champagne...i remember having a hard time describing to myself later, what it was i felt. i couldn't. my breath was shallowed inside...and i felt dizzy. in a weird kinda way, no matter how many more drinks i had that day or how much drugs.
i was fucking glad i was gone all day. totally out of it ..yet coherent.
but this would have been way too much for me straight. straight. fuck...when's the last time i was straight. well..all things considered. it was enough. and she knew that. so the wind just blew her hair as i drove the boat..it was so hot out...and i had a need for speed. both kinds.
this is a beautiful boat
it was hard to hear her above the noise of the engines and the water on the hull...as she yelled it at me.
i nodded
she looked beautiful
more beautiful than anything i had ever seen. so i watched the "road".
we raced along ocean...flat, calm....
as i came to a stop
i put on my rubber pants
skis
hopped into the water...
claire was just watching me do this without a word.
i got into position
and waved my hand forward..
she throttled up...just right
so as the arcs made their fan tails of water...
we raced along
each watching one another from a distance...
she turning her head back as she found her route
gave me straight tracks
turns
and the sunlight shone hard
and i thought hard
and i know she thought hard
i did a couple stupid school boy tricks to impress. i have no idea why. regression in emotion. whatever. a few flips and 360's off the wakes
my mind as i just glided along for a moment back and forth lightly....saw her. green eyes. i waved to claire to shut it down.
always running from something7

i didn't care
so
i ran
and i ran
and i ran
and then i ran into the evening. non-stop scotch and lines.....
i decided not to do the lines right in front of her. i went to the washroom. but...something told me she knew anyway. but knowing her, by now...she would probably just smile out there....knowing.
this is nice music
our dinner arrived
do you always cater everything in?
i wasn't going to talk to her anymore...until "goodnight"....but i think the coke and the ...everything....broke that. plus, she wouldn't stop asking questions.
yes
wow
it's just a habit
i never had any time
when you were making your money
yes
thank god she didn't ask about my past life. of which i'm sure she knew some of from the files.
she kind of skipped around the living room, twirling in little circles...she was a dancer. that was for sure.
she came back, kind've crashed on the bar and giggled...panting...smiling...looking at me.
how long?
dancing?
yeah
ever since i was six
i nodded
nice
thank you , sir....she said playfully
so what do you do?
you know what i did
not that
what do you do for a hobby...for fun.
you can't tell me that huge baby grand is just for decoration, can you?
no....it's not..i sighed.
play for me!
i knew this was going to happen...
fuck. "sharing"...should have kept my mouth shut.
except fucking opposite direction of so big a part of me wanted to ever end up in again. but another huge part did. fuck.8

so i played the piano, she sang my praises...and we went to bed.
she paused at her room door as i walked on and down to mine.
goodnight tim.
goodnight claire.9