Sir Justin's Journal (Avalon) part I

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A young stable boy, head down, kicks a small stone through a dusty lane by the knights' quarters within the confines of Castle Avalon. It is a warm summer day and he can't help but wish he didn't have to work. His mind fills with wonderful visions of playing in the near by lake with his friends. 3

Suddenly his thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a faint cry for help coming from within the thick walls. He stops and listens, yet nothing more does he hear. The silence looms heavy with the burden of knowledge. He knows no one has been in the knights' quarters for a very long time. Yet, this voice, light, almost feminine, perhaps that of a child, is unlike anything he's ever heard. 4

Curiosity piqued, he carefully enters the building, unsure of what he'll find. A cold chill passes through his veins like tendrils of ice as he faces the shadows and darkness within. He wants to run, get away, but the call he heard, like a desperate plea, holds him steady. Finally, conquering the fear, he enters. 5

Diffused light is scattered along the walls and floor from the many open doorways. His eyes play tricks on him as the movement of the clouds cause the shadows to move along the walls in a sort of surrealistic pattern. Conquering his fear again, he moves on, glancing with wide eyed terror into every open doorway he passes, spotting only old armor and wood framed cots. Until, there ahead, lying in the middle of the hall like a pile of discarded rags he sees a form. In cold fear, heart racing, he presses himself against the wall in the darkness between the rooms, ready to bolt at the first sound, or sign of movement. Yet, all he hears is the howl of a lone wolf calling out from far off in the distance. When no movement is forthcoming, the fears ebb, until, with considerable in trepidation, he approaches. 6

The figure lies face down, unrecognizable. He can see only long black hair and loose fitting robes. Drawing on courage he didn't know he had, he rolls the figure over to discover a young woman. Her un-tanned skin seems dry and her lips are cracked. Bringing his face a little closer to her mouth, he feels a slow breath of air touch the side of his face. What the heck are you doing here? He wonders. While from his belt, he takes a water flask, opens it, and pours a little into her mouth. 7

Choking on the water, Sir Justin, a bit blearily, opens his bright green eyes and stares up at his young rescuer, shakes his hair back and reaches for the leather flask so close to his parched lips. The boy startled, gasps. Thoughts flash through his mind. This was no woman! Those green eyes are not even human! It's at this point the boy notices the pointed ears. Here was something he had only heard about in hushed whispers and overheard snippets of conversation. A DARK ELF!, One of the most dangerous and feared races in the outer kingdom. 8

Falling backwards, and dropping the flask in the process, he scrambles up and races down the hallway too frightened to even scream. Justin too weak to try and stop him, wonders briefly what caused the boys fears. After all, he was here with the full knowledge and permission of the king, wasn't he? Unaware of how much time had really passed since his arrival, he thinks it couldn't be more than a few days at most. Picking up the water flask he crawls to the hallway wall, lifts himself up enough to lean against it and slowly sips more from the boys abandoned flask.. 9

In the meantime, the stable boy in total terror, races from the knights' quarters to the safest and most familiar place he knows, the stables. Slamming open the large double doors, he blindly rushes in, smashing right into the side of the stable master. 10

"Whoa boy, what’s all the rush about?" The boy's frightened eyes, darting everywhere, are unable to focus on him. Trembling and unable to speak, he tries to break free from the strong grasp of the older man holding him, in hopes to find some dark corner to hide in. However, the stable masters grasp is firm and he is unable to break free. 11

Slowly, he begins to calm down enough to speak. 12

"MMM ma MONSTER! I, in Knights Quarters!" he finally stammers out. The stable master looks at him curiously and calmly, "You know no one has been in the knights’ quarters for a long time. That place is empty. All the Knights of Avalon have been sent out on missions for the Prince." 13

The boy, looking wide eyed incredulous, states again, "Bu but… there's a demon in there, a, A DARK ELF!" 14

The stable master with a frown of frustration simply states, "Come now boy, the only dark elves you'll ever find in Avalon will be in the castle’s dungeon, I assure you. Now, tell me exactly what happened." 15

The boy choppingly rebuilds the story, while the stable master listens with growing alarm. With the boy’s description of a tall slender form with pointed ears, his heart begins to race with fear. An unknown dark elf in the confines of Avalon? Absurd, yet.. if so, it must be a spy for an impending invasion and must not be allowed to escape. 16

Letting the boy go, he rushes out to the court yard to sound the alarm.

~~O~~ ~~O~~ ~~O~~

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Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • IvoryRose
    July 1, 2006

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    First the typos:
    "perhaps that of a child’s" something is amiss here, the grammar needs tweeking either remove 'that of' or the 's.... paragraph 1
    You swtich tense too...you idle between present and past.
    Till mean to till the earth, the grammatically correct form is until.
    Ok so now that I've done all that, I love the flow and description of the story. The beggining is reminiscent of Robinson Crusoe, very descriptive and detailed. The mental images form almost on their own. I like your character development. Shortly after meeting the characters I already know them and am starting to get attached.
    I like that it starts slow and picks up the pace. Despite it's slow start the story drew me in from the very begining simply due to detail.
    Overall a great read and I can't wait to find out what happens next.

  • Terry-too
    July 1, 2006

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    Intriguing

    My comments here would be too long to place below, so it will be sent by IM. The pace picks up toward the end of this piece, creating a wish to read more.
    I will be looking forward to the next pocket of available time, and have marked it on my favorites list.


  • Kylia Skydancer Greeters member
    June 30, 2006

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    Fun fun fun!!!


    This seems like the beginnings of a very interesting story. I like the way you've described your setting, it makes it so real I can almost feel the dust in my mouth and see the clouds in the sky.

    While I tend to say this on alomst every story I read lately,(you have to understand I tend to read books on the long side) I found the pace of the story a little fast. While people have different things that draw them in, I personally am drawn to the character and if a story can really set someone out that I can get into the mind of and feel for right in the first bit, it'll have me hooked.

    Another thing I like to see in stories is description. It's all well to say something happened but any details you can give me will make it more real.

    For instance you could say:

    ...kicking a stone sullenly through a dusty lane...

    or

    ...kicking a stone idly through a dusty lane...

    or however he does it. Something like that paints a brighter picture and as well makes the reader stop for a second to work on the image in their mind and they end up much more satisfied with the result.

    I've noticed you actually did put some good description in so let this bit just serve as a reminder.

    "tentacles of ice" That simile of yours hit me a little strange, ice isn't usually in tentacles. It is however in veins if you want something similar, or you could always just say "like ice" and leave the structure of it out completely.

    Other than that, I can only find minor things. In your ninth para, you need a comma after "Justin" and again in para 11 after "In the meantime the stable boy" and a few other places. Just read it out loud and put them where you pause.

    dthis sound s like a really good beginning, I'll hold off from commenting more about the story till I read the other chapters you have up.


  • mwc2004
    June 26, 2006

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    Better than Most

    First off, the level of detail and description (especially that of the boy's first glimpse of the abandoned quarters) is fantastic. Good visuals! Its a good beginning to an interesting story.
    I did notice a bit of repetition when the boy thinks its a woman. Just mentioning it once should be enough.
    Overall though it was much better than many I've read on here.

    . Rewarded 4