He sat there on his bed all alone, thinking in the dark, eerie almost deafening silence. The problem with Jamie was that he didn’t sleep. Not that he couldn’t, he just simply didn’t want to. He liked the night, it was his time to be alone, his time to think.
He was thinking about Kim. He had met her a few weeks ago and they started going out with each other when she slipped and she fell into Jamie’s muscular arms. She had dark brown hair and luscious red lips. Her cheeks were nicely defined and her eyes. The thing Jamie liked most about Kim was her eyes, a deep blue ocean that he could get lost in. He finally decided to sleep and when he did he fell slowly and silently into a dream. He dreamt about Kim, about how much he loved her, about her curved petite body. He dreamt that they were together in his bedroom, both naked. But he was not thinking about her sleeping with her. He was thinking that she was perfect with what she was; she needed nothing to improve herself. The next morning Jamie met Kim at her house and walked her to school. He then walked to school and talked about Kim to all his mates. Later that day after messing around in most of his lessons, Jamie met up with Kim and walked her home while telling her about his day. He didn’t live too far from Kim. Just a 5 minute walk from Oakville house. When they got to Kim’s house they stood outside by the wall and kissed tenderly and Jamie held his beautiful girlfriend in his safe and muscular arms.
Later that evening Jamie and Kim both sat on the bed talking about how much they loved each other. They started kissing passionately and they lay on the bed kissing. Just at that moment Jamie’s mother walked in and looked at them smiled and then walked back out.1
A year later when Kim had finished her exams at school and Jamie was studying to become a lawyer, they were still together. They still loved each other as much as they had at that perfect moment. It was Kim’s 16th and Jamie was taking her for a birthday meal and a night in a hotel. Jamie had brought her a very suggestive present .He got her a pink nightgown made of pure silk and a pink fluffy lingerie set. After all this he still had a surprise at the end of the evening. Jamie took Kim to one of the poshest restaurants he knew and they had a wonderful time.
Back at the hotel they sat in the bed and talked about the evening. She thanked him for such a wonderful time. She then asked him if she thought that they would be together 5 years from then. He said of course then they laughed and kissed gently. She then started to unbutton his shirt, Jamie said “are you sure you are ready.” She assured him that she had been ready since she first knew he was her one true love. They both undressed each other and kissed passionately between the silk sheets. When they emerged from under the red quilt, Kim’s firm breasts were bare; her small strong nipples were fully erect as Jamie started kissing them gently. She then started kissing him on his neck and going down on his profoundly toned abs. She stopped just before she got to his already erect penis; she said “I love you” and took on his manhood with all her might. They sank down underneath the blankets and she grasped his penis as they kissed. She moved her hands up and down his full length and her hands only just fitted round the girth of his amazingly large penis. He came shortly after and then she lied back as his head explored for her waiting longing waiting clitoris. All her juices were dripping over his tongue. He then moved back and guided his penis into her waiting vagina for the first time. As he entered her she flinched in pain. Then she stopped flinching and started to enjoy it. They both screamed with ecstasy as they came together, then they was silent.
The next morning Jamie and Kim were checking out of the hotel, Jamie got on one knee and held Kim’s hand. “I have loved you ever since I first met you, I know that we are supposed to be together and I wish to show you my undying love and affection by asking you to be my wife.
Detective sergeant Dillon Saunders was responsible for the search for Kim. He had units everywhere looking for her and they had alerted the airports and all the ports of her description. Meanwhile at the church Jamie was still upset about Kim not turning up. A lot of people that had seen the wedding tragedy on the internet were rushing in to watch all the police action. When _____ arrived he went straight to James and was so sorry for him. He truly thought that she must have had cold feet about marrying him and had run off leaving him at the alter. _____ said to Jamie at he was better off just calling off the search and she would turn up with some story about how sorry she was to have missed the wedding and have some explanation for it all. But Jamie didn’t believe that she could have done that. They had been together nearly 5 years. She wouldn’t have just left him standing by the alter without some sign, some warning. Two weeks passed and still there was no sign of Kim or anything that she was last seen wearing. The police were thinking about giving up the search when suddenly a new piece of information came to them. There was a phone call from a nearby house and even though there was only a muffled noise, Jamie knew exactly what it was straight away. When the police searched the house at first they came up with nothing but then there was an anonymous phone call saying to search in a lockup not far from the house they searched. When they got there they found a computer that was set up still with the wedding cameras set up on it and a locked door. Police busted through the aluminium door in no time at all and behind it was Kim. She was a bit battered and bruised. She was a little dehydrated but apart from that she was fine. Jamie went to embrace her but a police woman stopped him and told him that she would need to be forensically examined before she can be touched.
For the next 15 hours Jamie was worried completely about Kim. He wondered what ordeal she must have been through and what sort of person, evil being could do this to such a sweet young lady. Later a policewoman came and told Jamie that he could go and see Kim, but he had to be careful as she was very fragile and was disorientated. When he got in the room with Kim she moved to the back of the room. Every time he went near her she started screaming and moved away to try and dodge him so that he couldn’t touch her. The police woman came in and removed a very frightened and confused Jamie and took him to a private room. She explained that they had reason to believe that due to her behaviour and a medical examination they believed she been raped. Jamie started crying with rage, he was so angry that he picked up the table and almost threw it half way across the room. 2
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Author notes
This is bites from my story what do you think
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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intriguing beginning. You've got good flow in this story. Some of your paragraphs need to be restructured and you have a few sentence structural problems but for the most part that's fine.
As for detailing, you make their first love making scene more like a wham bam moment. it should be softer and more sensual. (I do realize that's not how you mean to make it come across) Try more romance and more detailing, looks expressions. You could also put more dialog in. make the characters come to life.
great beginning I'm interested in reading more. -
This is only a small snippet of what the final story is gonna be... i want people to tell me where i can improve so that it can become even better
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hmmm
Well, this piece was full of imagery, if not too much in certain places. I am confused by the new storywrite, therefore, I couldn't find the categories for the stories. I take it that this is your story you were in progress with today. Well, it is quite a tragic love story and can have multiple meanings. Either he only saw the world in his own way and truly raped her, or both of them did what was wrong, for she was a minor. The ending was a twist and I had only assumed (before I started reading) that the title was a metaphor. Obviously, it wasn't. This piece is very strong, emotionally, mentally, and a lot more. Keep up the great work and good luck with writing.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.

