The end to the benning

When you fall you know your about to die. I am falling as we speak, I can see the ground underneath me. Why am I falling you ask? Well, let me tell you my story.1

I am Matt, I don't like to use my last name, so just call me Matt. I was born on Sept. 20, 1986. I am 17, not to old not to young. I have a brother Dan who is 15. That bastard is the baby of the family and gets what he wants. Anyway that not important. I live in Danbury, CT. I live with my Mom and Dad. I don' come from a hard life. My family is fucked up but who isn't. I go to high school, it's my last year there i am so happy! I have interviewed for some college, haven't hear from them yet, i hope i can get in. I also have a learning disability, i can't spell right.2

My story starts of on a nice sunny day. Yeah right, it is fucking cold today. It's Feb. and it's like -2 out side. Fucking cold winter, i can't wait until summer. Anyway, it is one of the coldest days i have ever seen this year and I'm walking into school. Now i have a big back pack, why, Because i like to carry my books with me a lot. Oh, yeah sorry i all most forgot to tell you what i look like. I am shorty about 5'4'', i have blue-green eyes, and i have not too long but not too short hair, i also have side burns. I dress as you can say "Skater" even though I'm not, i don't like punk, i love Metal. Anyway, what i look like isn't that important. Where was i, oh yeah, i was walking into school and i was stop by a kid. 3

"Hey, Kid come here" said a kid dressed in black and was wearing a hoodie 4

"Me?"5

"Yeah you, come here!"6

"Okay"7

So not to look bad i went over, then he took of his hood and said "Dude, Matt, i had you sacred!"8

"Shit, Carlos i though you where going to kick my ass or something"9

"Naw, i just wanted to talk to you!"10

"What about, my good friend?" I asked him!11

"Well, i what to start a band but, i don't who to be in it with me?"12

"Well i play guitar!"13

"I know, if you want to be in it thats cool."14

"Okay, i don't know anyone else to be in it, I mean all i know is Steve!"15

Okay let me stop now. This maybe confusing but if you keep reading it, you will see where I'm going with this! Oh yeah, you may want to know who Steve is, well he is short, and a Little chubby. He's kind of like a ghetto, punk, 80's mix. Well I'm just going to say he has his own look. He has short brown hair, just like his eyes. He too me is in line to be my next best friend. I don't have one right know, my last one i had was this kid named Sean!16

Sean, oh how i can not forget him. Sean is a hyper active kid, wild, and to some really annoying. Yet, i can look past that, Sean is a awesome kid. He's like just about the same amount of music i do. And just like feels "Punk is Dead". Sorry about that to all of you that like punk. Yet i was made to hate Punk! Why, well lets just say the band the pelican's had something to do with it. I don't what to get of this story and make you stop reading so lets continue.17

"Steve, humm. I don't know?"18

"He's cool, he is really good at drums, but it's your thing!" I told Caros.19

"Yeah, I'll think about it!"20

"Okay" I then stared to walk, and i new that me and Carlos would never start a band together. We have been trying to do this for 2 years. It just wouldn't happen! Anyway i am walking to my 1st Pd class to drop off my book, and i saw something. Now i really don't know how to explain what i just saw. Lets just say it was the most beautifulest thing in the world. I have see her before but, now, wow! 21

Okay, what am i taking about? What did i see? Who is it? have i talk to her before? Matt, this story sucks! 22

Let me answer the questions for you. I am talking about seeing a girl. This girl i have seen before, well really more like the the first day of my 11th grade year at high school. When i saw her that first time, i like her, and though she was cute, beautiful, and anything that someone thinks about on first sight. Anyway, do i talk to her? Well, yes and no. Let me go back, the first time i saw her, i so badly wanted to say something, but as i have said, i am shy. So i never did, and time went by that i saw her and still though the same thing. Yet, i still did nothing. Anyway, now how could talk to her but not? Well you know the thing called IMING? Well that is how i talk to her, yet i still get shy around her when i see her. I remember the the first time she Imed me, i was a dream come true. My brother Dan, who i and you will see later in this story, is and isn't friend with her. I really do not follow who his friends are sometimes. So that had made me jealous of him, but now i do talk to her and every time we talk on line is awesome. Who is she? She is short, and has brown hair i think. She also has grate eyes, i could just stair at them. I could go on for hours explaining her for you but i think you get the picture, but to warp it all up, she so beautiful. 23

Back to my life, i saw her. She look over to me, i look at her. Could today be the day that i say hi? Could today be a day that i finally show that i am not that shy? Could it be that day? No, i wouldn't i pass her by. After that i felt sad, and i felt angry at myself for being this way. "Why, can't you just say hi, you talk to her online, why not in person? Why not, you stupid ass hole, look at you, all ugly and stupid. No Matt, your not you are this way, you have to live with that you have dine. There will be a next time, take the charge, take it! But still i can't believe that i passed her by like that." I am right know fighting with myself, why i do not know. But i do it a lot of the time! I hate myself then sometimes i can live with myself and know who i am!24

So time past and i am still think about what i have done, yet hoping that i still can get over my shyness. Then as i was walking to my next class i saw my brother Dan.25

"Hey Dan"26

Dan look at me and then stop in the middle of the hall and said.27

"Matt!"28

"Where are you going?" I said29

Dan is younger then me, he is big. Really tall, and big. He kind of a preppy but i don't like to put people into groups. He has short black hair, and brown eyes, like my dad. I look more like my mom, and my brother looks a lot like my dad. Odd isn't? 30

"To my next class!" Dan said in a sarcastic way.31

"Okay, i guess see you later"32

I walk away, as i did i though to my self "Wow what a boring day." But soon i will know who wrong i was!33

So i went to my next class, and I was so pissed ay myself. I though about not saying hi the hole day. I wish i could turn back time. If i turn back time i know i would say hi, or would i? Well it is 5th perid. My school had 8 perids in one school day, 45 mints and perid. So three more left and it will be Friday. I know grate Firday right? No, i don't do anything on this day. I want to so badly, yet i really have only two firends to hang with and they work, and i would love to go out on a date with someone, but as we know i am this shy kid! So i though to myself and as i though i said this34

"Maybe i should try not to be shy! Maybe i should not be quit, maybe i should just be me. You know what, i am. There will be no more shy Matt. I will no longer will be shy, if i see that girl i will say hi next time." 35

After i said my boby lifted, i felt like a weight was lifed off my shoulder. I was a new person, no long felt shy. I had that walking on water feeling, i have said something that i need to tell myself for so long. I was never shy, i just uesed it as a exues. I said it and it made me think it was ture, i was not shy. 36

Know just beacues i said i wasn't shy dsen't mean i am going to run agound the school yelling. Yet, at luch wich i have 5th, i was talkive. I said hi to people that when playing haike sack, would just not even look at. Maybe i did beat it! Maybe what i said was ture, shyness is in my head, i was thinkning about it so much i became ture.37

(everthing is ture about my life, up to this ponit, ANYTHING DOWN BELOW IS NOT ABOUT ME!)38

So i went through my next two class. I was walking in the hall way when i saw her, that girl looking so beautiful. I saw her, walking. She look at me, i look at her. Will I do it? Will i show that i like her! Will I? 39

"Hi"40

"Oh, hi Matt" She said with a silme.41

My nevrs stared to give in.42

"How is it going?"43

"It is going do, how about you?"44

My nevers where at the maxium i have ever seen them.45

"Good, so hum, today is friday, are you doing anything?"46

"No i don't think so, i think i'm going to have a boring Friday at home!"47

I had a chage, will i take it48

"Oh, so hum, do you want to, hum, go ice skateing with me?"49

"Matt, are you trying to ask me out somewhere?"50

"Well i kind of all ready did" I was geting so fucking nevers that i all most was about to scream.51

"Matt, i have somethimg to tell you. I know you like me. Yet, i don''t really like you! You cool, but not the person for me"52

My hart sunk, i was so dead inside. I was standing there with nothing in my chest. I felt sick, i wasn't shy i keep telling myself. Yet, the paine hurt, so bad. Okay so i was rejected right, well i have never been reject before. I have had a Girlfired before, but she ask me out. She did berk up with me, but i mean a berk up really isn'y a rejectsion. So i now what it feels like. 53

"Matt i have to go to my next class, see you online."54

I just stood there. This is a girl, that i i like from the frist time i saw her. I was shy then, and nevr said a thing. After a Year of likeing her from afare, she imed me and we talked. Then i ask her out, and was rejected. A year of likeing turned to stone. Right in front of my eyes.55

"Bye." I got out at last56

"Bye" She lfet with a slime.57

I can't blame her, i can only blame mysel. I stared to say to myseld "YOU FAT BASTERD, GOOD NOTHING. SHY MOTHER FUCKER, LOOK AT YOU. WITH YOU FAT, SO UGLY. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING. AT GUITAR, HOCKEY, EVERYTHING." 58

Really i'm not fat. I ues to be, and when i look at mydelf sometimes i see the old me. Fat, loserish, and ugly. Not there is nothing wrong with fat people. I didn't like when i was fat. So i make sure i don't become fat by, wokring out everyday, and i stop eating a lot of the time. Yes i am a enterxit.59

I skip my next class, wich would 8th and went home. I live kind of far from the school. Yet not that far. like 45 mints for a walk. So i walked home. Think and being so upset. Up to this day i never was sueasideal. I never wanted to kill myself. I was thinging about it today. For the frist day in my life i was thinging about killing myself. Dead, gone, no more, notinng eles, the end, all the thing that it will bring if i do it. 60

I was home, no cars where in my dirve way. I went inside, i turned on my computer. And look at her sreen name. I stred at it, blocking and unblocking it. I look over the things i said to her. All the hints that say i like you go out with me. All the hints that say i want to hang with you sometime.61

I went up stairs to my parents room, or more my mom's. My dad sleeps down stairs, it's been like this for about 9 years out of my life so i am use to it. I go into my dad's gun colltion. I get a shot gun, and walk down satirs.62

At this piont i am thing about krit coban. The singer to one of the beat bands to ever come out. They are and did the same thing the beattels did. I was thining should i go out the way he did? I didn't have any herion, so i could shot that up. so i went and got some type of pills. I was scared and went into my room. I was thing about Nirvana, and out on one of there Cd's. I played one of the best songs they ever made, SOMETHING IN THE WAY! There was something in the way. She didn't like me. I stared to cry, i whated to die. 63

I took the pills and put them in my mouth, i was crying so a lot of them cam out. I though for a second, if I swolled, i am done. And with everthing in me i did. 64

( Note: at this piont in my writeing this story had been the harnest part, i am crying thinking about this happening)65

I took the shot gun that was loaded. I left no note, i don't want people to know. I put my fingger on the trigger and. 66

Beep, beep, beep!67

"Matt, Matt, Matt get up."68

"What?"69

"Matt you have to go to work."70

A man in a bed gets up and looks at the colck. It says 5:00. 71

"Wife, i had this wired dream"72

"What about?"73

"It was about me, i was in high school. You where in it, and when we talk for the frist time, and you trun me down. And I....."74

"You what?"75

"It's not improdent, When was the last time we saw the sun rise together?"76

"Not in sometime, why?"77

"I don't know?"78

Just as the man said that he look at this wife, and saw her face. Those blue/green eyes. She is so Beauful he though to him self. I love this girl. 79

"Hey, Laren, why don't we just wach the sun raise together?"80

"But you have work!"81

"So, fuck work. I want so say i'm sorry for wokring so much, i love you -Laren, I love you so much. You are the most beaufulist girl in the world. I can just look into your eyes for ever."82

"Aww, Matt. I love you too!"83

So the man and woman got under the covers and kissed. They sat in the bed all morring and looked at the sunset. Later the man made his wife berkfast in bed.84

You see, people say when you fall in a dream you are about to die. Yet, if you wake up before you fall you saty a live. I was woke in up by my wife before i pulled that tirger. I was saved by someone, someone i love. Is that all we need, someone by are side? I think we do. Yet, people don't see something, you may be alone right know, yet there is a perosn out there. Wrieng a story just like this, and it telling you that someone out there likes you. He/she is trying to get the word out but deon't get what to do. So i would like to say this last thing. "Love is a key, a key to a heart. To someones's hart. Ues it well, and ues it with care. Love is a grate thing, hold on with care!" 85