A Woman Named Bob

A woman named Bob
This is the ill-fated story of an unfortunate women named Bob, may we through her story gained the wisdom we so desire. 1

There once was a woman named Bob, she took to many steroids. When Bob woke up the next morning she was a hairy man. Her friends ran from her the same day, so Bob became depressed. Her weight lifting improved, but she missed her pretty voice, and (of course) her size D breasts. Depression kicked in so strongly that she became addicted to the steroids. This turned her into a beast. Bob ran away to live in the mountains.
Loneliness engulfed her, so she threw herself off a cliff. Soon she was soaring downward, but suddenly a tree branch intercepted her suicide. Her newly formed penis got crushed as she smashed into the branch between her legs. Howling out wears she threw herself off the tree only to land on her face two feet down.
A park ranger found her, and called America’s Myth Busters, and told them he found the missing link. Then he promptly set traps around her unconscious body, and went to get his video camera.
Yellow Stone National Park was booming with people. Young children found poor-beastly Bob, and went towards her. Young Catfish Mcslezzy got caught in the trap, hanging upside down by her leg she told the others to attack. They piled on top of Bob slashing at her iron hard muscles. They became savage and began biting her. Young Catfish Mcslezzy watched, as her fellow classmates became beasts like Bob. The steroids in her blood system, converted them into a mindless, hairy pack of artificial men.
They hunted together, and killed the native rangers. Cannibalism struck them in their hairy hearts, and soon Ranger Bobby Brown was a tasty side dish. Catfish Mcslezzy died from her blood rushing, and suffocating her childish brain. The pack (led by Bob who finally found her calling) used Catfish Mcslezzy’s body as a sundial. Sadly crows pecked out her eyes, and her body began to stink. So they threw her into a canyon, never to be smelt again.
Bob, soon after, fell in love with a grisly bear. After some hot, and heavy mating, she produced little steroid enhanced monsters. Ones that made Frankenstein’s creator seem like an amateur. Bob’s beloved temperamental husband drowned while trying to catch fish in a local swimming pool. (You would think the chlorine would be his first hint: he wasn’t too bright….)
Bob used her old mates body as a bed until the hairs began to protest. Famine was setting in, forcing Bob to eat his carcass. This gave Bob a bad case of the shits. For the next ten days fur balls shot out of her ass. These balls became fun game tools for her minions. Angry mobs carrying pitchforks gathered; in the cause of killing poor mutant Bob, and her minions. The most passionate protestor was an old woman named Grannysmith. She would swing her cane and run at 2 mph with her stroller. They called her the terminator, and believed her to be the one who could take Bob down. The terminator prepared herself for the battle taking place in 6 hours from midnight. “Bob is at her weakest when the sun rises, mwahahahahaha,” she laughed evilly until her kidney stones stopped her.
“You know it’s a mutant and not a vampire, right?” a six year old pointed this out as he delivered her a fig/date pizza. She needed to make sure she stays regular before the night. Shortly after eating her pizza, and running to the bathroom, she put on her war paint. Taking out her dentures for a cleaning, they were shortly forgotten. “I is ‘em goin’ to get ‘em,” drool flew everywhere as she continued, “dis bob is eh goin’ down. I is a goin’ to wack ‘em and swack ‘em. Eh I is goin’ to a tak’em wayyyy down.”
“Ma’am you still need to pay me, otherwise I will starve. And you might want to put those teeth back into your mouth. Its gross,” The delivery boy felt repulsed and suddenly much more mature. After securely placing her teeth back in, she paid him. “Now scram” Which gladly he did.
The time had come to face this foe. Grannysmith strapped on her hand knitted cape, and grabbed her scarf (no need in catching a cold). It was time, the time to save the world (or at least the parts she liked). Standing on her porch, she prepared herself. Nothing stood in the way..until..suddenly her diuretics kicked in. “damn”, she muttered as she shuffled her way into the bathroom, “I’m going to be late.”2

…to be continued.
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