Blood trickled from the corners of my mouth. I had bitten my lip hard. I could feel the warmth and the smell copper of blood. I wiped it away with the back of my skin. I watched as the crimson stain flowed into the fine lines of my hand. Bastard would pay dearly for that! Seething with white-hot rage, I groped behind me, feeling around for the wooden handled shovel I’d seen earlier. The rough bricks scraped my knuckles as I continued my search.1
He was pacing. I could see him through my lowered lashes. He was muttering under his breath. He wore loose fitting denim coveralls that were stained with oil and grease from working on cars all day. He thoughtlessly stuck a dirty finger in his mouth nervously chewing on a ragged nail. Wyatt wasn’t wearing a shirt that day; the temperature had risen to near triple digits. A thin layer of sweat glistened over his bare, hairless chest. His short-cropped blond hair stood up on end where he ran a greasy hand through it. Sky blue eyes darted between the door and me. Almost like a caged animal, waiting for it's meal of raw meat.2
I inched my 5’5” frame along the brick basement wall, keeping my back to it. I could feel liquid running from my knuckles. Sweat trickled down my temples plastering my red hair to my face. I felt the shovel and quickly slid my body in front of it. Just feeling it in my hand, and pressing against my back; gave me a sense of power. I knew I could hurt someone with it. I planned to use it on him.3
Wyatt stopped pacing and was staring at me. He looked shaken. “I didn’t mean to hit you,” he whined. “But damn it Clare, how could you do that to me?”4
I laughed at him. “How could I not? You made it so easy for me. Poor, pitiful Wyatt, so trusting.” I mocked him.5
I could see the blood rush to his cheeks and his hands curled into fists. The muscles of his jaws clenched tight.6
I ran my hand down the smooth polished shovel handle and felt confident. I continued. “Shouldn’t have left it out in the open. All that money just laying around.”7
“I trusted you!” Wyatt said venomously, taking a step forward.8
I pulled the shovel out from behind me. I held it out in front of me, across my body in both hands. The weight felt masterful, powerful. “Don’t come any closer,” I hissed through swollen lips. “Not very smart are you? Never saw it coming.”9
I knew I was pushing him, especially when a vein popped out on his right temple. I just couldn’t help myself. It felt so good to taunt this weak, pathetic male. I laughed. “Stupid, stupid little man,” I sneered.10
Wyatt took another step. He was close enough that I could see the sweat dripping down his cheeks and the vein throbbing in his temple.11
The blood on my knuckles had dried, but my lips still burned. Bastard was going to pay and pay dearly. All I could think about was smashing the shovel against his head, how it would feel when it connected, and would it really make a “thud” sound.12
I decided to make one last comment, something to really push him over the edge. “You were the worst fuck I’d ever had. Your cock is so tiny, little man, I'm amazed you can even find it, let alone use it."13
"You little bitch!" He screamed coming towards me with outstretched arms like he was going to strangle me.14
I swung the shovel just as he got close enough. My palms were sweaty and it was hard to hold on to the smooth wood. I could feel my hands slipping further down the handle as I swung.15
The impact was sudden and it jarred my arms. I dropped the shovel as my hands went numb.16
Wyatt laid there at my sneakered feet. He didn't move. I kicked him once. Nothing.17
I shook my hands trying to get the feeling back. I don't remember hearing a thud, or anything else for tha matter.18
I bent down and shoved him, "Hey, wake up, little man! Get up." I pushed him again. Nothing, but he was still breathing.19
I stood up to collect the last of my things. He'd interrupted me earlier while I was searching for my favorite pair of earrings, when he had come home and his fist connected with my lower jaw quite unexpectedly. I was getting out of here and fast.20
I heard him moan faintly. I looked down at him. His eyelids were fluttering. The shovel was lying next to him just begging to be used again. I stared at him, as he started moving. My eyes darted from Wyatt to the shovel and back again.21
I shot out my hand and grabbed it. I hiked it over my head and slammed it down on his face. That time I heard a satisfying thud and maybe a crack. He didn't move, and I'm not sure he was even still breathing.22
Appeased, I gathered my stuff, dug out the extra cash I'd hidden under the dresser in the corner and headed out the door, letting it slam behind me.23
Bastard had to pay. Shouldn't have hit me.
Author notes
First time I've ever written something like this. I don't think there's enough feeling. What do you think and what do you suggest? I'm not very good at insulting people can you give me some suggestion?
In a list
A contest entry
- POST ME YOUR BEST STORY by robert davidson.
175 points, ended April 18, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think.
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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I think the emotion is very good. I love the decicive main character!
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I once saw my mum hit my dad around the head with a telephone, which had been attached to the wall, but thats because he hit her, so I suppose it doesn't matter what the weapon of choice is I suppose it matters what comes to hand!
Very interesting write, if it was too emotional it would have put me off as revenge and anger, though they can involve crying and such, they are weird emotions in which we do not think for long before taking action, unless you're a scorpio
but I think this had the perfect amount of emotion within it.
Looks like I've found another really good writer then
Mike
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It's great! The emotions of your characters sre really good!
Horror's not my type but its great. I commented before didn't I.
Oooh, if I did than this story really caught my eye
Honestly, your descriptions are awesome!
keep posting
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Nice use of the shovel. I once hit a guy with a two by four...he changed my program...don't mess with that remote!
I didn't kill him but, he got the message. Lol.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Eek, this is not the lady to mess with. She gets revenge and it hurts really really bad. It was really a vivid story and a little unnerving so Yay. Why is it I keep running across all the disturbing stories just before bedtime. Where are the fairy tales
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I think this is a good piece. You may want to add an emotional reference like "He reminded me of the pain my father put on my face every day... or "It made me boil with rage".
Good work -
This was good! And very interesting I like the main character in this story, and i like how the readers can feel the characters emotions
check my out x
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cool...
I love the main character's cold resentment toward the guy, somehow he deserved getting smashed in the face with a shovel. Shouldn't have put his hands on her. Great comedic undertones throughout(specifically with the dialog), although this was more of a thriller/suspense type.
Great, entertaining write
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The title kinda caught my attention! Great story I have to say.. I got lost in the middle of reading the story though! I loovvee the story! I LOVE IT! Its amazing.. I like what i'm feeling when I am reading tis story! Keep on posting!!
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Well, I've never been hit, but I've been pissed enough to fantasize about painful vengeance, so I'd suggest if she's that angry, something like the fact that the rest of the world goes blindingly white and vanishes, and all she can feel in that moment is her pulse throbbing in her skull, while her eyes are seeing double: both the way he is now, and the way he'll look when she kills him. She practically aches to connect the two with the straightest line she can find. There's no logic, no consideration of consequences. There's only revenge, and how good it will feel to take it. It's a very "now" sort of thought. Maybe even a worm of fear that she'd better do it now, or he might figure out what she's thinking. Fear of being unable to complete the vengeance spurs people into taking that vengeance sooner, or with more of a shovel-swing.
Okay, about the story: the details were great. I loved the description of her injury and her hand searching the wall. I could feel the stress of the moment immediately, with the way you painted the scene.
The dude's character was pretty good; I can't say I know anyone like that personally, but he fits the portrayal I see in TV and movies.
I do like how she's not totally innocent either; that was a nice touch. Glad she got away with the money there at the end. Now she can afford to hit up the ER for some stitches.
Great story. Very vivid!
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I think you did rather well. It was awkward in only one place: paragraph 20 when you say 'quite unexpectedly.' I don't know why, but it felt strange to have seen that placed there.
I wouldn't know, really, because I don't usually write this genre.
I think you did the description of sound and sight really well. When you described him, I could see him; when you described her hit him (especially in paragraph 22), I could...feel that. Yowza!
Well done overall, I must say. I enjoyed it.
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Suggestions:
Par 1: I could feel the warmth and the smell copper [copper smell] of blood. I wiped it away with the back of my skin [hand]. I watched as the crimson stain flowed into the fine lines of my hand [palm?].
Par 2: He wore loose fitting [loose-fitting] denim coveralls that were stained with oil and grease from working on cars all day. He thoughtlessly stuck a dirty finger in his mouth [,] nervously chewing on a ragged nail. /Almost like a caged animal, waiting for it's [its] meal of raw meat.
Par 3: Sweat trickled down my temples [,] plastering my red hair to my face. I felt the shovel and quickly slid my body in front of it. Just feeling it in my hand, and pressing against my back; [,] gave me a sense of power.
Par 7: “All that money just laying [lying] around.”
Par 9: I pulled the shovel out [del: out] from behind me. I held it out in front of me, across my body in both hands. [I held it across the front of my body with both hands.]
Par 14: He screamed [,] coming towards me with outstretched arms like he was going to strangle me.
Par 15: My palms were sweaty and it was hard to hold on to [onto] the smooth wood.
Par 18: I shook my hands [,] trying to get the feeling back. I don't remember hearing a thud, or anything else for tha [that] matter.
Par 21: The shovel was lying next to him [,] just begging to be used again.
Par 23: Appeased, I gathered my stuff, dug out the extra cash I'd hidden under the dresser in the corner [,] and headed out the door, letting it slam behind me.
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Pretty good job.
I love the horror genre, but still have a hard time inserting the gore. I think you did just enought and it was very realistic. It is different from what I ususally see you write, but it's fun to explore all avenues. Good luck in the contest.
Trish
#1 shouldn't it be the 'copper smell' of the blood?
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Thanks, I don't usually write like this and I haven't really written anything like this since. o.O I don't think. I'll have to go back through
Thanks for the reading and I fixed that
Brooke
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Very good read
Hi SageSyren---Wow! If ever I need some help with insulting a male I will be seeking you out. This is a great short story, I can see few errors, but let us take a stroll though it. Remember my comments are not always right; all I can promise is there honest.
Blood trickled from the corners of my mouth. I’d bitten my lip hard [.] when Wyatt hit me {.} [I could feel warmth and smell copper of the blood.] {The warm blood with its copper smell filled my senses.} I used the back of my hand to wipe it off, [. I] watch[ed] {ing,} as the crimson stain flowed into the fine lines of my hand. Bastard{! Wyatt}would pay {dearly} for that [!] {.}
(With this paragraph, as with the rest of the story more or less I have tried to cut down on the repetitive [he s and Is] usage. I have opted to combine sentences, to use his name more and generally anything I could think of in achieving that.)
Seething with white hot rage I groped behind me, feeling around for the wooden handled shovel I’d seen earlier. The rough bricks scraped my knuckles as I continued [by] {my} search.1
(Just a typo by for my.)
He was pacing again. I could see him through my lowered lashes. He was muttering under his breath. [He] {His} worn, loose fitting, [blue jeans that] {denim coveralls} were stained with oil and grease from working on cars all day. He [hurriedly] {thoughtlessly} stuck a dirty finger in his mouth nervously chewing on a ragged nail. Wyatt wasn’t wearing a shirt that day for the temperature had risen to near triple digits, and a thin layer of sweat glistened over his bare hairless chest. His short cropped blond hair stood up on end where he [had] ran [one] {a} greasy hand through. Sky blue eyes darted between the door and me. Almost like a [caged] animal pacing its cage, waiting for its meal of raw meat.2
(I thought denim coveralls would be a much better choice for work ware, espechealy in near triple digit temperatures.)
I inched my 5’5” frame along the brick basement wall, keeping my back to it. I could feel liquid running from my knuckles. Sweat trickled down my temples plastering my [re] {red} hair to my face. I felt the shovel and quickly slide my body in front of it. Just feeling it in my hand and pressing against my back made me feel powerful. I knew I could hurt someone with it[.] [A] {a]nd I planned to use it on him.3
(Just some typos and the combining of two sentences.)
Wyatt [had] stopped pacing and was staring at me [.] [He looked shaken,]{shakily.} “I didn’t mean to hit you,[” he whined.] [“B] {b} ut--damn it Clare, how could you do that to me?”4
I laughed at him{.} [and replied,] “How could I not? You made it so easy for me. Poor, pitiful, Wyatt[.]{,} [S]{s}o trusting.” I mocked him.5
(This is a highly emotional paragraph and short snappy sentences set that up very well. The dialog tag is not needed and the dialog generally starts a new paragraph.)
I could see the blood rush to his cheeks and his hands curl{ed} into fists. The muscles of his jaws clenched tight.
I ran my hand down the smooth polished shovel handle and felt confident. [I continued,] “{You} shouldn’t have left it out in the open—all that money just l[a]ying around.”6
“I trusted you!” Wyatt [said] {took an ominous} [venomously, taking a] step forward.7
I knew I was pushing him [.] {,} [E] {e}specially when a vein popped out on his right temple. I just couldn’t help myself. It felt so good to taunt this weak, [and] pathetic male. I laughed .
“{You [S] {s}tupid, stupid little man {.}” [I sneered.]
(Just the joining of the first two sentences, not a big deal, I just thought it flowed better. I didn’t react to The sentence [I laughed], but on second thought I would probably delete it, your frame of mind is well described by your actions.
Wyatt took another step. He was close enough that I could see the sweat [dripping] {running} down his cheeks and the vein throbbing.10
The blood on my knuckles had dried {,} but my lips still burned. {The bastard} was going to pay and pay dearly. All I could think about was smashing the shovel against his head. How it would feel when it connected, would it really make a thud sound.11
I decided to make one last comment [.] {,} something to really push him over the edge.
“You [were] {are} the worst fuck I’d ever had. Your cock is so tiny, little man, I'm amazed you can even find it let alone use it."12
"You little bitch!" He screamed coming towards me with out stretched arms like he was going to strangle me.
I swung the shovel just as he got close enough. My palms wer{e} sweaty and it was hard to hold on to the smooth handle. I could feel my hands slipping further down the handle as I swung. The impact was sudden and jarring. I dropped the shovel as my hands went numb
Wyatt lay there at my sneakered feet. He didn't move. I kicked him once. Nothing.15
(I’m not sure there is such a word as sneakered.)
I shook my hands trying to get the feeling back. I don't remember hearing a thud [.] {,} or anything else for that matter.16
I bent down and shoved him.
"Hey wake up, little man [!] {.} [Get up."] I pushed him again [.] [N] {n}othing, but he was still breathing.17
I stood up to collect the last of my things. He'd interrupted me earlier while I was searching for my favorite pair of earrings [,] {.}[when] [h]{H}e had come home {early} and his fist connect with my lower jaw quite unexpectedly. I was getting out of here—fast.18
Suddenly I heard him moan faintly. I looked down at him. His eyelids were fluttering. The shovel was {lying} next to him just begging to be used again. I stared at him as he started moving to-ward the shovel [and back again].19
I shot out my hand and grabbed it. I hiked it over my head and slammed it down on his face. This time I heard a satisfying thud and maybe a crack. He didn't move and I'm not sure he was even still breathing.20
Appeased I gathered my stuff, dug out the extra cash I'd hidden under the dresser in the corner and headed out the door[.] {,} letting it slam behind me. 21
{The} bastard had to pay. {He} shouldn't have hit me.22
Very good my friend, it may seem like I have had a lot to say, but most of it is just the same issues over and over. You seem to have a pension for inserting dialog tags where there is no doubt as to who is speaking. I have interjected some rewritten phrases, were I thought there was awkwardness of confusion. Use what you can from my comments and forget the rest, if you have any questions don’t be afraid to contact me.
Talk to you soon---ablelaz.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Oh my, thank you so much for this. I am in the process right now of reading over your changes. These are very helpful.
Again thank you so much.
Brooke
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I think the feeling is good, but at the end I was left feeling like it was all a little forced, because the only reason she gave for anything she did was getting hit. I'd definitely like some more info as far as motivation.
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Hmph, well I don't remember if it was a forced ending, but because I did miss that contest I was writing it for, it may have been.
If you've ever been a woman or girl that has been hit before, then time after that makes them angry or have some strong emotions. Maybe not this strong, but you know what I mean.
I know that the last time I was hit, I felt close to this. Just my take. But thanks for reading.
Brooke -
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I've never been hit, so it definitely is a foreign emotion. In this case, then, I guess I just have trouble identifying. Thanks for the clarification.
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WHOA! This was GREAT! Amazingly descriptive! Holy crap...There was definitely a lot of feeling, and as far as insulting people, you did a great job of emasculating this bastard!
Awesome!
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Thanks you so much. I think I could do better now. This was written so long ago.
Again thanks
Brooke
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'morning Brooke,
you always make 'Me' eyes cross a bit 
yellow printing 
on black background.
Well you certain let this young lady get in some payback. Is this just the start of a longer piece? It seems to have either a lot of tale in front of this scene or back-story not yet learned.
It is a well developed action picture that was a cinch to ‘See’ and understand
.
I did pull up a few nitpicks;
Blood trickled from the corners of my mouth. I’d bitten my lip hard. I could feel warmth and smell copper of the blood. (the coppery scent-- since blood is assumed or; I could feel warmth and smell the blood’s copper scent.)
I used the back of my hand to wipe it off. I watched as the crimson stain flowed into the fine lines of my hand (skin). Bastard would pay for that! Seething with white hot (white-hot) rage I groped behind me feeling around for the wooden handled shovel I’d seen earlier. The rough bricks scraped my knuckles as I continued by (my) search.1
His short cropped (short-cropped)blond hair stood up on end where he had ran one greasy hand through (it).
Almost like a caged animal pacing it’s (its) cage waiting for its meal of raw meat.2
Sweat trickled down my temples plastering my re (red?) hair to my face. I felt the shovel and quickly slide (slid) my body in front of it.
Just feeling it in my hand and pressing against my back (gave me a sense of power.) made me feel powerful
He looked shaken, (.) “I didn’t mean to hit you,” he whined. “But damn it Clare, how could you do that to me?”4
I laughed at him and replied, “how (How) could I not? You made it so easy for me. Poor pitiful Wyatt. So trusting.” I mocked him.5
I continued, “shouldn’t (Shouldn’t) have left it out in the open. All that money just laying around.”6
“I trusted you!” Wyatt said vemonously,(venomously) taking a step forward.7
He was close enough that I could see the sweat dripping down his cheeks and the vein ? (where? In his throat?) throbbing.10
I swung the shovel just as he got close enough. My palms wer (were) sweaty and it was hard to hold on to the smooth (wood because handle is assumed and the second one echoes.) handle. I could feel my hands slipping further down the handle as I swung.13
Wyatt lay (laid) there at my sneakered feet. He didn't move. I kicked him once. Nothing.15
I bent down and shoved him, (.) "hey(Hey,) wake up, little man! Get up."
He'd interrupted me earlier while I was searching for my favorite pair of earings, (earrings) when he had come home and his fist connect with my lower jaw quite unexpectedly.
shovel was laying (lying) next to him just begging to be used again. I stared at him (,)as he started moving, (My eyes shifted) to the shovel and back again.19
he (He) didn't move and I'm not sure he was even still breathing.20
Geri
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I didn't think the colors were too bad sorry.
Ok, this I think was written for a contest. Not the one advertised, one I didn't get to in time. And if I remember rightly it was for in the middle of the conflict.
I have fixed those errors. Thanks for pointing those out
Thanks for the read.
Brooke
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This was really good. I take it no one should mess with you. It was diffrent and I enjoyed reading it. It kept my attention through the whole thing. The last line was phenominal and I loved it. Your very good at this type of writing. I loved the whole thing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much and I'm glad you liked it.
Brooke
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"I'm not very good at insulting people..." but you seem to be good at "taking them 'out'
I quite enjoyed reading this 'darker' side of your nature. The action is well paced and I liked the dialogue which knitted in seamlessly with the narrative.
My favourite line has got to be the finale - Bastard had to pay. Shouldn't have hit me
The editors have already been so I have nothing to add in that department.
Good write
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Thanks for reading Lawrie. The last line was my favorite too.
Have fixed the 'editors' finding, hope to their liking
Again thanks
Brooke
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Yes, this does sound different, coming from you.
*Note to self: Don't piss Brooke off!*
This has a nice quick pace and it's easy to follow what's going on. I don't think you need to worry about adding more emotion. Between their dialogue and actions, it is quite evident what their feelings are toward each other. *nods*
Andy and Cory have already covered what I noticed.
The only thing I would add is that it's a bit confusing as to just what started this, why he hit her in the first place.
Aside from the one brief reference to money in p6 - 'All that money just laying around.”', the rest of the dialogue and the particular comments they exchanged, gave me the impression that this is about some kind of deception on her part.
Her cheating on him, ratting on him to someone for something he did, ..etc.
The fact that she got so violent after being hit one time made me think she's a psycho.
Then that last line made me crack up.
Nicely done.
I've enjoyed this brief look at your darker side.
Greg
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Thanks Greg. I am so not like this. I may think I want to do these things, but I'm more of a runner now. When I was younger I was, but not now
Glad you liked it and I'm trying to remember why I didn't start with Wyatt hitting Clare. Everyone seems to want to know and if I remember rightly it was a contest I was doing (didn't make it in time ) and they wanted the middle of the conflict. I don't know.
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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I think I read this before.
maybe a read and forgot to comment.. I really liked this.. Guess I know never to mess with you. Great Job! I didn't see anything else that needed fixed other than what Oblivion Kitty God had pointed out..
However I will give you
I really enjoyed it... you definetly have a dark side.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Have fixed what Cory pointed out. And thanks for three EGO BOOST!!
Thanks again.
Brooke
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P1: I think you missed a word in the third sentence: "I could feel (the) warmth and smell (the) copper of the blood."
Also, I'm not sure if the passive voice works here (second sentence) or not. I'm also unsure of how to change it.
The fourth sentence seems oddly worded. I think a simpler sentence would work better here: "I wiped it away with the back of my hand." If for no other reason than to prevent the sentence from ending in a preposition.
"Seething with (white-hot) rage(comma) I groped behind me(comma) feeling around for..." And, again with the passive voice here, too.
P2: I'm not sure if the first sentence here is passive or not. But it sounds strange when I speak it aloud. Maybe: "He was pacing." Or: "He began pacing again."
"Wyatt wasn't wearing a shirt that day(semicolon) the temperature..."
Then start a new sentence with "A thin layer of..." Same sentence: "...over his bare(comma) hairless chest."
"His short-cropped..." or "His short, cropped..." depending on the depiction you mean to create. Is is short and cropped or is it shortly cropped?
"Almost like a caged animal..." I don't think you need to repeat the emphasis on "cage" here, nor the "pacing" reference.
P3: "...(red) hair..."
"...and quickly (slid)..."
"Just feeling it in my hand(comma) pressing against my back(semicolon) it made me..."
A mistake I often make: starting a sentence with "and" or "but". Generally, try to stray away from those.
P4: Passive voice again. One of my favorite things to nab.
P5: "(H)ow..." "Poor(comma) pitiful..."
P7: "...in front of me(comma) across my body..."
P11: The last sentence should be connected to the previous one via a comma. Then, "...when it connected(comma) and would it..."
P12: "...amazed you can even find it(comma) let alone..."
P13: "...(outstretched)..."
P14: "...(were)..."
P17: "(H)ey(comma) wake up..."
P18: "...(earrings)..."
P19: "Suddenly(comma)..."
The last sentence of this paragraph doesn't match very well. I think you could stated something like "My eyes darted from Wyatt to the shovel and back again."
P20: "(H)e didn't move(comma) and..." Also, you change tense here suddenly.
P21: "Appeased(comma) I gathered..." The last sentence in this paragraph is a fragment. It should be added to the end of the previous sentence, separated by a comma.
Alright, now that I've torn the story in half, lol. It was a very good story. There was plenty of emotion in it, but the details are spread out very randomly. It was difficult to imagine what everything looked like.
I do think you put in enough emotion, however. However, the story might benefit from starting with Wyatt hitting Clare. It would help clear up a lot of things.
Thanks for sharing this. Hope I didn't shred it too badly.
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Only one Am No, just joking.
I haven't looked at this in forever and so haven't edited it since I've learned more things here, but thanks for going through this
Will make those corrections and see what I can do about the confusion.
Thanks Cory for the read.
Brooke
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WOW
that was REALLY intense! I loved it!
I have nothing more to say...it was brilliant. -
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Thanks
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OMG. I LOVE IT! I ♥ IT! OMG. For something you've never written before (like the storyline thingy) IT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME. I was like, "Woah. She's good." and then I find out it's your first time and I'm like holy.
You're really talented. There's LOADS of feelings. You had me in grip from the beginning to the end.
erica♥
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Thanks so much for the ego boost. I had to branch out and try something new or I wouldn't learn anything, right?
Again thanks
Brooke
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I love it!!!!!!!! This was one of those stories where you actually have to hold yourself back so you dont read ahead..lol I couldnt wait to find out the ending! A good piece! You are a very talented writer! Keep it up!
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Thanks for taking the time to read this. I had never written anything like this. Have thought about it but never witten like this. Glad you liked it.
~*Brooke*~
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i loved it! on the edge of my seat lol...but seriously i liked it. even though i was a little confused at one or two spots i enjoyed this story. good job and keep it up
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Thanks
If you let me know which parts I can explain them for you.
Thanks for the read and comment.
~Brooke~
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Well Written.
paragraph 3) red hair; 13) were; 18) connected. I think a little more detail would help. Why did he hit her? What had she done or not done? More dialog would be nice as well. For the length of the story the dialog is not bad, but I feel you could easily expand this story to double its present length.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks for pointing out those errors. Will get right on them. I still haven't been over this one to see if I can expand it. But that is an option.
Thanks again for reading and of course commenting.
~Syren~
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Great story! It was nail-biting and fun, although I wouldn't have minded a bit more explaining/details here and there. Sometimes I found myself a tad confused (but still having fun! lol). Anyway, this could be terrific with a little editing.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks
Your right I still need to come back and expand on this. It's just so far I can't seem to do that. Everytime I read it over I just draw a blank. But hey someday I'll get around to it.
Thanks for commenting and reading. This kind of writing is new and hard for me. Thanks again.
~Syren~
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Haha, I loved the attitude in this! The plot was fast-paced and interesting, but I couldn't help but feel confused about what exactly the woman was doing at first ("was she surrounded by a bunch of spies in a dark abandoned warehouse?" was what I had wondered at first; it wasn't until the end that I figured that the setting was in a domestic place, at home) and why she was doing it (there seems like there should be more of an explanation other than "he shouldn't have hit me" (maybe there was more to the conflict?)), and who the woman was (the only thing that really identified the main character even as a woman was when Wyatt called her "Clare". Before that, the main character had seemed very obscure). So I would suggest perhaps adding on to this story, and making things a bit more clear, and giving the woman's actions more meaning and purpose. ^^ I hope this review can help you out a bit!
~ Lady ~beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Chilling
I don't agree, you have more thanenough descriptive imagery in this to make the reader feel horror. Just a suggestion. Always put dialogue sentences a space away from end and start of a paragraph this makes the flow better and easier for the reader to distinguish dialogue. This really intrigued me and I enjoyed your sense of belligerence in the male and the feeling of no way out for the female in the story. Good job.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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HAHAHAHA!!!
Brooke, OH MY STARS! That was so morbidly funny. I couldn't help but laugh after I read it. I did see some spelling and grammar things, but I'm not going to nitpick about it. Just know that they're there.
Also, I did feel your hesitation in the way this was written, but overall I liked the feel. You create an atmosphere, leave the reader hanging on for your next bit of information.
The only thing that I can really suggest for this is formatting. LOL...try to double space your paragraphs or indent them when you single space. It just helps with clarity.
This was great. I think any changes would really derail what you have going here...unless you decided to continue it. Hehe...she'd make an interesting serial killer. Kinda like that chick wrestler in Mexico who seduced old men, then killed them and took their cash!
Okay, maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you know what I mean. Wonderful write, hon! 
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