The air hangs limp, 1
No palms move with breeze, 2
They are gone. 3
Grey and cumbersome, 4
Eyes stained with tears, 5
They grieve. 6
Plastic shrouds they carry, 7
Placed side by side on the ground, 8
They remain unclaimed. 9
No burial with pride, 10
Since the wave thundered in, 11
All swept aside. 12
They work in a paradise lost, 13
Remembered by souls, 14
Not tossed on muddied sand 15
They endure. 16
No children clamber for rides, 17
No tourist performance, 18
They are gone. 19
They bear silent witness, 20
Their burden is such, 21
'Til their own grave they seek, 22
The elephant will not forget
23
Author notes
After viewing footage of the recent Tsunami I felt the need to write this down. The elephants knew beforehand danger was approaching and headed for higher ground, what a shame humans do not learn from animals sixth sense. Then the elephants helped with the odious task to retrieve the bodies, their body language was so sad as they seemed to realise the tragic circumstance they worked in.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Yes, I do agree with Man Of Harlech that it seemed too controlled. It moved me; made a picture appear in my head about the children, adults of the tsunami disaster. It was something to be remembered. Yes? The elephant never forgets.
P.s: Maybe you could make something bigger/longer out of this. It looks like it's got a lot of potential.
beginning: 1, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Until I read the "author notes" I hadn't thought much of the poem, but when I did I went back and re-read everything, and I really liked it. I like how you expressed the grief the elephants feel having known of what was going to happen, not being able to do much about it and afterwards have suffer with the consequences of the tsunami. I do think you could've developed it a bit more to make it clear to the reader what the poem is about without having to necessarily read the author notes though.
The last lines are the best I think, but overall, a really nice, thoughtful piece of work.beginning: 3, ending: 5.
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ok
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I would suggest that you work on the form. I thought it seemed too controlled
At first glance I thought this was about the death of elephants and, while this itself is tragic, the task at hand was a visit from one of the Apocalypse horseman. Clearly this was a horror that is supposed to come at the end of time, and not one that would be carried in memory. You presented a very clever and effective way to set this nightmare in motion and to give it a timeless quality.
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sorry i forgot to push the applause...
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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beautifully tragic
this is so sad, lest we forget, how lucky we are to be alive, this brought back the images of the boxing day tsunami, i liked how you summed it up in 24 lines, being symbolic of the day? i guess, this is wonderful , and sad, the title ..mm..elephants dont forget...and never will we.....well done...beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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It's to deep for me.
It was clear from the beginning that this poem was a tribute to those lost their lives in the Tsunami. What i don't understand is where the elephant comes in.
Ps...i know that an elephant never forgets...but?
The first line i guess is the calm after the storm
Perhaps the last line alludes to the elephant never forgetting even when the rest of the world might in time.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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This poem touched me so much, I love elephants and it is so sad to see how they are treated in todays world. Thanks for sharing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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great,, it sounds proffessional.
this is the first poem i've read on storywrite, and i'll be looking for more, it was good enough for me tell the guy next tom me when i read it, even though i didn't know the,. (some guy from year 9)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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BRAVO!
This was briliant a really good write I too liked the end line most!!! keep it up luv jac
language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 4.
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Awwwwwwwww....this is sad, but it is beautifully written. It was so sad that such a tragidy happened but sometimes something wonderful can be written from it.
I found no errors and the flow was nice.
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Wonderfully Heartbreaking
This brought tears to my eyes. I can not believe how well you captured this. It's a shame when we lose animals for any reason, but unlike other animals, the elephant DOES always remember. Great job!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow!
I got the gist of it before i reached your Author Notes, and that was... just. It's hard to describe, i suppose you guessed.
That last line - The elephant will not forget.
Fantastic!
It's unbelievably difficult to explain the effects of this, but i loved it!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5.
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