Nine-year-old Ella stood on one leg with arms held out straight. She brought her other leg out in front of her, placing her foot in front of the other, balancing. She repeated this, until she reached the pond in the backyard. In the distance a lawn mower was softly humming and the smell of fresh cut grass drifted on the breeze. Her jean shorts and blue tank top were covered with dirt and grass from when she rolled down the hill. A lone jay called, while pulling grass up for his nest. Finches and sparrows flitted in the nearby trees. Stopping by the lady ferns, she threw a small flat rock towards the pond. It skipped three times before sinking, leaving rings rippling outward. Her mother and she had planted red roses a couple of years ago near the pond and they were giving off a sweet aroma that mingled with the cut grass that afternoon. Ella noticed Old Gray, the neighbor’s chocolate lab, was barking at Mr. Simons, the neighborhood tabby cat, up in a tree. Glancing along the ground beside her, she looked for another stone to skip in the mottled gray and black rocks. Out of the corner of her eye she saw movement on the pond. She squinted as she looked up. There was no duck or other bird on the surface and she knew there were no fish under the water. “What was that?” she asked aloud.2
Ella leaned over and peered into the calm water, seeing only her reflection. Shrugging her shoulders, she stood up. Suddenly her image on the surface changed. Instead of her mousy brown hair, she saw sunshine blond and turquoise eyes where her maple brown ones had been. Startled, her hands slipped off the slimy rocks only to splash into the water. Her arms sunk up to her elbows before she could regain her balance and scramble out.3
A pale face popped out of the water, with blond hair raining down it's cheeks, and water dripping off its small nose. Ella stood stunned, mouth hanging open, until she heard Old Gray’s barking. She took a deep breath, screamed and ran into the house yelling for her mother.4
* * *5
“Ella, you can’t stay inside forever.” Her mother’s voice was filled with concern.6
“You wanna bet.” Came Ella’s retort.7
Her mother shook her head, “I had your father go out there. He search in the pond and around it and found nothing. I’m not sure what your think your saw out there, but I don’t think there’s any reason for you to stay inside.”8
“Any reason, any reason! Mom there’s a monster living in our pond!” yelled Ella. She had clenched her hands at her sides to keep from throwing them.9
“Ella, calm down.”10
“No!” she shouted.11
“Listen, if you’re that frightened stay away from the pond.” Gently Ella’s mother rubbed Ella's arms.12
Sighing Ella nodded and walked away towards the glass doors. The rain that had started out as a drizzle this morning, had turned into a downpour, complete with a whipping wind. She stood watching the branches of the oak sway its leafless arms skyward, only to be distracted by the streams of rainwater running down the glass. The pitter-patter of the rain that fell on the roof relaxed her. She could hear her mother opening and closing the oven door in the next room. Then the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies came floating in.13
With the comfortable sounds and smells of home, Ella sighed and looked past the rain to the pond. Movement off to the side caught her wandering eye. A flash of red, shaped like a small triangle, moved between the shrubs framing the
back of the pond. Leaning over the rocks looking into the water was the distorted image of a small child with long green hair, “Green hair?” Ella whispered stunned. Quick movement behind the child drew Ella’s eyes to wings.
“Purple wings?” A large fin, that looked like a small whale’s fin, appeared and slipped under the water.14
Ella rubbed here eyes in disbelief and again she looked out at the scene before her. She had been through every shrub, turned over every rock, at least once if not more times, since she could walk. She lived in this house all her life and nothing could have prepared her for what she was seeing now.15
Quickly she put on her yellow raincoat and rain boots. She ran outside while the rain beat down, soaking her thin body instantly. Down the hill she trotted to the water’s edge. And there she stood, watching the raindrops bounce off the stormy surface of the pond. Whatever was there was gone. The red triangle-shaped hat, the small child with purple wings, tail in the water, all gone. Ella wondered if she had imagined it.16
Taking a deep breath, “Ummm… My name’s Ella. If anyone or anything is out here, I just want you to know, I won’t hurt you.” She stood there listening to the rain hit the leaves and watched the ripples in the pond again. Ella heard no response. After a few minutes she went back inside disappointed and dripping
wet.17
18
* * * 19
20
The next day, Ella stood at the sliding glass doors. She was staring at the pond at the bottom of the hill. Every few minutes Ella unfolded her arms and reach for the handle that opened the door, only to pull it quickly back. Ella knew she needed to go back there, but wasn’t sure she was up to it. What if she was crazy? What if there was nothing out there? Could she be losing her mind? And if there was something in the water, what could it be? These questions were running in circles in her brain. Last night while lying in bed she had decided that what she had seen was real. She had also decided that she had seen an elf or fairy (she wasn’t too sure about the difference), a gnome and maybe a sea serpent or mermaid. “Stuff out of fairy tales,” she muttered to herself. Squeezing her eyes shut she wanted to forget any of this was happening. As the rain tapered off she drew in a deep breath and opened the door.21
22
* * *23
Ella cautiously approached the side of the pool. The roses were in full bloom and smelled strong, mixed with the earthy smell of soil and algae. Drops of rain fell from the foliage in the backyard. She could hear the frogs croaking
out their throaty melody from behind the reeds at the far end, as a subtle breeze ruffled her brown hair. She searched the surface of the water, hoping to find some sign
of the face she thought she saw the day before. After staring for quite some time, without results, she started looking around the shrubs and ferns for footprints. When she did not find anything but animal prints, she turned to go back inside. As she turned she caught sight of what she thought was a white rock.24
A white rock among the gray rocks was unusual. Once she picked it up she found that it was a shell, and not a stone at all. Not quite sure what kind of shell it was, she turned it over for a closer inspection. Underneath on the pale belly leading into the shell were strange markings, almost like writing. Ella sat down to study it more. The ground beneath her was littered with small smooth rocks worn by time, making it fairly comfortable to sit. Ella ran her finger over the markings feeling the rise and fall of the…words?25
Ella looked up from the shell just in time to see a shimmering tail slip beneath the water, leaving rings rippling to the edge. She leaned over the water as the rocks bit into her knees. A rock or some other pond material glimmered beneath the surface catching her eye. Putting the shell in her short’s pocket, Ella reached down through the water, feeling the cool liquid encase her arm. Ella should have felt the bottom, but her arm continued to sink further in. The water crept past her elbow and headed for her shoulder. A pair of sparrows called from a distant tree, while Old Gray barked in the distance. The smell of algae and roses continued to filled the air. The water had reached her shoulder. Ella pulled out her arm and stared at it in stunned disbelief. Streams of water ran down her freckled arm as she stood rooted in place. She stuck both her hands in at the same time stopping only when her shoulders went under. Holding her breath Ella plunged her head in, shaking off the fear. The water was shockingly cold on her freckled face. She opened her eyes and saw the same shiny object that drew her attention the first time, only it was a distance away from her hands. Pushing with her feet against the loose rocks surrounding the pond, she reached for the item.26
Pale hands grab Ella’s forearms tightly, tugging her gently down. A sense of panic gripped her, squeezing her chest, and Ella kicked her feet, stirring up sand and silt from the slopping sides. She thrashed her arms trying to break free from the vise like grip holding her. Her jean shorts were saturated, weighing her down, causing her to lash more. Further and further she went under the surface of the pond. The pressure on her lungs became overwhelming as she fought against the hands holding her. Bubbles whirled around her clouding her sense of up or down. Her lungs were screaming and her heart beat in her ears, drowning out the calm voice of her captor.27
“Take a breath. Ella…breathe. Ella,” cool hands let go of her arms and took a hold of her face, “Ella, look at me. Breathe."28
Ella stopped struggling long enough to look at the face in front of her then began to scream. 29
A hand clamped down on her mouth. “Shh! I’m not going to hurt you.” Ella stopped shaking her head but her eyes were still wide with fear. “I’m going to take my hand down now. Don’t scream.” Said the girl or what Ella thought was a girl. On a second glance she noticed it wasn’t a normal girl. Framed by a backdrop of beige sand and brightly colored coral stood or floated a mermaid. She had sunshine yellow hair, free floating around a square face. Her turquoise blue eyes sparkled with merriment as her mouth turned up into a brilliant smile that held pointy teeth. Ella caught her breath at the sight of her teeth and realized she could breath.30
“How, how can I breath?” She brought her hand up to her throat. When Ella had fallen in the pond the water was frigid, but she noticed now it was comfortably warm.31
The mermaid flipped her tail, and the light reflected every color of the rainbow, “I’m not sure. Something to do with you being with me. They explained it in class once, but I didn’t pay attention.”32
“Who explained it?” Ella asked.33
“Some teacher, I don’t remember.” She answered, “my name’s Tearuslee, lady-in-waiting for Princess Gianna.”34
“Pleased to meet you,” she curtsied and stumbled because it was awkward underwater.35
“Oh, don’t do that!” Tearuslee pulled Ella up by her arm, “I’m just a servant.” Tearuslee exclaimed. “And this is Antanego, city of the merpeople.” She turned to show Ella a vast array of caves covering an ocean guyot. Brightly colored coral and sea grass covered most of the space between openings. Small paths meandered between clumps of coral and tan boulders. Colorful damselfish swam above sea worms and eelgrass.36
“Wow,” Ella breathed, “It’s so different than what TV makes it out to be.”37
“What is TV?” asked Tearuslee. 38
Ella thought for a moment, “a box with pictures that move.”39
Large turquoise eyes stared at her, “pictures that move, wow! You must tell me more.”40
“Well,” said Ella, “people in a place called…”41
“Excuse me Tearuslee,” a small blue crab interrupted from a boulder off to their left, “but aren’t you forgetting about why she’s here?”42
“Oh yes, thank you Hermie.”43
Ella watched as the crab scuttled off the rock, “does everything talk down here?”44
“Every animal has it’s own language. You just have to listen for it.” She shrugged.45
“Oh.” Ella stood dazed. All the stories she’d been told or had read could not do justice to the real thing. The coral were in such fantastic colors of blues and greens, oranges in clumps with fiery red. She could see pipefish swimming in and out and one fiddler ray burying itself in the sand.46
“So why am I here?” Ella asked Tearuslee. Tearuslee avoided Ella’s eyes as she tried to figure out what to say. She wanted to put it in a way that wouldn’t scare Ella, but that she would understand the urgency of her part.47
Ella waited as patiently as a nine-year girl could. But finally she could no longer wait. She stomped her foot, only to stir up silt from the bottom. “Hey, just tell me.”48
Tearuslee held up her webbed hands. “Ok…a special shell was taken from Princess Gianna’s cave. This shell is a map that leads to a place that holds a rare flower. We need that shell now, so we can find the flower!” She passionately replied.49
“But why me?”50
“We’ve found that our only whirlpool leads to your pond.” 51
“Whirlpool?”52
“Yes. To get to distant places or different waterways we use whirlpools. Our last surviving whirlpool leads to your pond.”53
Astonished Ella said, “my pond?”54
“Yes, your pond.”55
“And what do you mean by last surving whirlpool?” Ella asked.56
“Our whirlpools suddenly started disappearing or would die. We’re not sure which.” Tearuslee answered. “Are you going to ask a question after everything I say?”57
“Probably.” She shrugged. “I’m sorry go on.”58
“So this leads us to believe the shell is in your pond.” 59
Ella stood thinking about the whirlpools and how strange that they were in danger, and then asked, “Why are the whirlpools dying or disappearing?60
Tearuslee shrugged her bare shoulders, “I’m not sure. The rumor is that the merpeople and whirlpools are connected and when we start dying so do they.”61
Ella floated quietly for a while digesting what she had learned, when Tearuslee broke in to her thoughts.62
“Soooo…have you seen anything strange at your pond?” She bite her lip and waited.63
Ella floated in place thinking about what has happened the past week. She remembered the purple wings and the red hat. 64
Then it dawned on her. “The fin.”65
“What?” asked a startled Tearuslee.66
“The fin. I’ve seen a fin twice now and your face. Plus a couple of other things but…but they don’t matter.” She threw up her hands. When they were coming down she hit her pocket and felt a lump. “Oh my gosh! I found a shell right before your pulled me through.” She pulled it out. “Is this it?”67
Tearuslee snatched it out of Ella’s hand, “let me see! Oh my gosh…this is it! How did you find it?”68
“It was on the shore of the pond, mixed in with the rocks. I found it right before I fell in the water.” She explained again.69
Tearuslee swam off a little ways, “come on. We have to get started.”70
Ella swam after her. “Hey wait.” Tearuslee slowed down for her. “What are we doing? Where are we going?”71
Sighing Tearuslee turned and held out the shell. “This shell is a map. It’s a map to the Sea Lily.”72
“And why do we need this Sea Lily?” She asked.73
Tearuslee looked sad. Casting her eyes towards the sea floor she said in a small voice, “The Creeping Crust. The Creeping Crust is making the merpeople sick.”
E
lla glanced at the caves over Tearuslee’s pale shoulder. The paths were empty. No one was out running errands. No merchildren were playing. “It looks deserted, “ Ella whispered.74
“The healthy are taking care of the sick. Even King Portius the 7th is helping. You see even Princess Gianna has the Creeping Crust.” Tearuslee said solemnly.75
Touching Tearuslee’s arm Ella asked, “please, tell me what the Creeping Crust is.”76
“It is a disease. It’s a crust that grows on our tails, making them too heavy to swim. And we must swim to live.”77
“Ok, so now that we have the map what are we to do with it?” Ella asked.78
“We must follow the map to find the Sea Lily.”79
“Just the two of us? By ourselves? One girl, one mermaid?” She asked frightened. When Tearuslee nodded, “are you crazy? I know nothing about the sea. We could get hurt or lost. Or even eaten!”80
While Ella was ranting Tearuslee had already started to swim away.81
“Hey, wait for me.” Yelled Ella. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” She muttered under her breath.82
Chapter Two: Meeting 83
When they’d gone a ways, Ella pulled on Tearuslee’s teal green tail fin, “hey, lets stop. I’m getting tired. I’m not use to all this swimming.” Ella put her hands on her knees and slumped over leaning against a beige boulder.84
Tearuslee stopped in front of a sandy hill littered with rocks and clumps of sea grass. At one side sat a dark cave entrance. A brightly colored school of angelfish gracefully swam by. Clumps of seaweed swayed before them, reaching their spindly arms towards the surface as if trying to grab the clouds in the sky. 85
“Where does the map say we need to go first?” Ella asked breathless. Tearuslee looked towards the cave entrance; back down at the map and then to Ella. Ella got the hint. “You mean we have to go in there? Oh no, I am not going in some dark cave!”86
"Ella, we must go in there. If I don’t find the Sea Lily my people will die.” She said grimly.87
Ella floated for a moment weighing the pros and cons of this adventure. She really wanted to help this mermaid who had dragged her to this watery world, but she also wanted to go home where she was safe from harm. Finally she decided she couldn’t leave Tearuslee on her own to find this special plant. Ella decided to stay. She nodded her head slowly. 88
After they had rested for a bit they swam into the cave. It grew dimmer the farther in they went but still they could see enough to get through the bumps in the path. They came to where the ceiling dipped before a corner.89
Crash…90
Roarrrrrrrr…91
Crash…92
“Tearuslee, did you hear that?” Ella asked as they peeked around the corner. The sounds were coming from somewhere in front of them. The cave became unusually bright. Small yellow sponges hung from rock ledges and small depressions, giving off a soft glow, like a weak candlelight. Before them on the cavern floor slithered a huge gray eel. Its head was looming over two figures watching them with enormious liquid ink eyes. One figure was an uncommonly large damselfish, about the size of a child of two. In the strange yellow light it looked dark pink, with a white band behind its eyes and one down it’s back. 93
Next to it stood an incredible sight, one out of a fairytale or myth. The second figure was a half man and half crab. His head and body were that of a middle aged man. He wore no clothing except for a strap the held his satchel full of spears. His hair was a brown mass floating around his bearded face. He looked strong with muscular arms and chest. His lower half was that of a crab. Eight legs held up his red and white speckled shell while his two pinchers snatched in and out at the eel. 94
“I have never seen anything like that.” Whispered Ella.95
“He’s very rare. It’s fortunate we ran into him. Look at the size of the eel.”96
“It’s as big as a school bus.”97
Tearuslee looked at her surprised, “What is a bus?”98
Ella whispered in Tearuslee’s ear, “it’s big. Let’s just leave it at that.”99
They watched as what Ella considered to be a mancrab darted in and threw a long spear. The spear bounced harmlessly off the eel’s tough gray hide, and then he scuttled back out of range of the eel’s jaws. The eel snapped at the exceptional creature, as he shuffled away, only to pull back before the mancrab got out a new spear. To Ella, it seemed as if they were engaged in a dance of sorts. Each one followed their own music and steps. The mancrab repeated this dance while Tearuslee and Ella continued peek around the corner. The damselfish held out the mancrab’s last spear, but before he could grab it and throw it, the eel retreated down a large cave off to the left of the warrior. 100
The girls came swimming out clapping their hands. The mancrab turned towards them, spear aimed. The fish darted behind him, peeking out around the mancrab’s thick back. When the mancrab saw who they were, he dropped his arm and bowed. Holding out his other hand, he said in a deep raspy voice, “Tearuslee, how good to see you.”101
“Sir Clay,” she grabbed his hand, “you too.” She turned to Ella, “and this is Ella. Ella is a human from up there,” and she pointed towards the surface with a smile. “Ella this is Sir Clay Crabson, weapons master of Antanego.”102
Ella swam shyly forward and tried to curtsy again. “Nice to meet you.”103
Clay bowed low, scraping his hand on the hard cavern floor. “So very pleased to meet you human Ella.” Motioning behind him. “And this is my apprentice, Tad.” Tad peeked from behind him, “Tad, come out here and greet our guest properly.”104
Slowly, Tad the damselfish, swam out from behind Clay and squeaked, “How d-do you d-do?”105
Ella and Tearuslee giggled behind their hands, one webbed and the other not, at his shyness. Tad blushed and darted back behind Clay.106
“Not very brave is he?” asked Tearuslee stifling her laugh.107
“You must forgive him. He is young still and learning.” Stated Clay.108
“Clay,” Tearuslee shuffled in uneasiness. “Clay? I need to ask you a something.” She clasps her hands together and scrunched her shoulders. Clay nodded and she went on. “Ella and I, well Ella and I are off to find the Sea Lily.”109
“But the Sea Lily is hidden and the map has gone missing.” He plainly stated.110
“But Ella has found the shell,” she rushed “and we are going to find the flower and cure my people!”111
Stunned Clay asked, “and what is it you need from this humble servant?” Tad chose this moment to pop his pink head out from behind Clay.112
“We need you to join with us.” She blushed and looked down.113
Clay was obviously taken aback, for his blue eyes grew wide and his shoulders straightened. He looked at them for a time. “And what do I get out of this?”114
“I’m sure King Portius will give you something in return for your help.”115
“Is it d-dangerous?” Tad asked from underneath Clay’s arm.116
Leaning over to her right to see around Clay she answered, “I don’t know. We have to go through this cave. And from what I saw a few moments ago, it just might be.”117
During this conservation Ella had grown tired of floating in one place. She had wandered near the cave the giant eel had disappeared down. Trembling with fright she peered down the dark tunnel. Near this, off to one side was another tunnel. This one smaller, and with the same brightness as the cavern had been. Ella called, “hey guys, come look at this.”118
The other three swam and scuttled over to look down the tunnel. “What does the map say?” asked Clay looking over his shoulder towards Tearuslee.119
Tearuslee ran a webbed finger over the strange symbols, and glanced at the opening Clay was standing in front of. “It says we must take the one that glows like fire from above. I would guess it would be the one we’re standing in front of.”120
“Well human Ella,” Clay said turning to her and holding out his arm, “shall we get on with this mission?”121
Ella nodded her head, took his offered arm and kicked her feet.122
Tearuslee called after them, “so does that mean you’re in?”123
Laughter came floating back to her and she glanced at Tad, shrugging her shoulders they followed behind them, swiftly closing the distance in no time.124
* * *
After some length of time and distance the water started to get difficult to swim in. It seemed to Ella that the water tried to push her back the way she had come. Struggling against what seemed to be a strong current their momentum slowed considerable. “There shouldn’t be a current in a cave!” Exclaimed Sir Clay.125
“What do you think it could be?” asked Ella.126
“I do not know, human Ella,” Clay stated nervously.127
All of their limbs dragged, weighing them down from working hard against the current. Ella’s arms felt as if weights had been tied to them. Her breath came in gasps and her feet could barely kick. She fought to hold on to Clay’s carapace.128
Just when it felt that the little group could not wrench their fins or legs any farther, they came to an ample opening with a pit spanning the width of the tunnel. From wall to wall the mouth of this hole yawned at them, as the water was pushing them away from it. At the edge stood an outcropping of rocks. They looked as if they were growing out of the ground, almost like a garden of flowers. Some were the size of a bike while others were smaller like dogs. Each of them grabbed on to a medium sized boulder.129
“Tad?” Clay called, ”can you swim across?”130
Tad swished his tail and fought against being pushed away. Tearuslee caught his tail fin as he started to slip past her. Tad shook his finned head.131
“Let me try,” said Tearuslee, squaring her bare shoulders, “I’m going to go a little higher. Maybe this current doesn’t reach very high.” Tearuslee tried to get a little further up. Although she did get further, like Tad she was repelled back. She stopped herself by grabbing a rock ledge sticking out. “It’s no use!” she panted.132
For a long time the four of them, one human and three creatures of the deep, held onto the outcrop, feeling defeated. Each one took the problem to heart and was determined to figure out how to swim across. At one time Tad’s face lit up like he had an idea only to drop his half formed idea before it even left his mouth.133
Finally Ella turned towards Clay. “Clay,” she called pointing to his back, “could you use those to hold on to?”134
Looking bewildered he asked, “What do you mean?”135
Sighing Ella strained to get her idea across to him. “Could you throw your spears up towards the ceiling?”136
“Yes, but why?”137
“Did you see how far Tearuslee got compared to Tad?” Ella asked.138
“Yes, yes! I see. Maybe further up there is less thrust. Yes, lets try it.” Clay took one spear, balanced it and heaved it up towards the ceiling. The spear bounced harmlessly off the rock.139
“Darn!” he exclaimed.140
“There’s got to be away. Think, think, think.” Ella wanted to pace but she held on tightly to Clay’s back and a rock the size of Old Gray back home. She looked at his spears sticking out of his case. They were long sticks of deadwood with shells attached to the end. “Clay how do these work? They don’t look like they could stick into anything.”141
“Oh they’re only supposed to hurt and scare off creatures, not draw blood.”142
“No wonder!” Ella slapped her forehead almost losing her grip on Clay’s back. “We must sharpen the shells.”143
“With what?” asked Tearuslee baffled.144
Tad held out his fin, and in it he held a piece of red coral. 145
“What am I suppose to do with that?” snapped Tearuslee.146
Tad made a sweeping motion with the coral, back and forth.147
“Human Ella, take the coral, break into two and run it across the shells. You too, Tearuslee.”148
Ella and Tearuslee scrambled to keep hold of the spears as they sharpened the shells. With the spear’s handle wedged between Ella’s knees and Tearuslee’s fin and a rock, the sharpening seemed to drag on.149
“Hurry lassies! I’m losing hold!” Exclaimed Clay loudly.150
“Here!” Called Ella. Tearuslee also handed hers over. There were six sharpened spears in all.151
“Thank you ladies.” Turning once again he heaved one spear extending his powerful arm. Holding their collective breaths, they watched as the sharpened shell imbedded itself in the cavern wall. Joyous cheers went up from all and Clay set up for another throw. One by one the spears stuck showing a clear path across the ceiling, like monkey bars. Each one met with cheers of triumph. 152
“Everyone climb on.” Called Clay. They scrambled up as Clay pushed off the floor towards the hanging spears. Clay fought with the handholds, each one becoming shakier than the other. His arms were rapidly losing strength with each passing moment. With determination he pushed on, grunting with every swing.153
Towards the middle of the hole, the tremendous push became a pull. The drag caught them all off guard. Tad and Ella started to slide off Clay’s shelled back. Ella managed to grab the strap of Clay’s spear case with one hand and grab Tad with the other. Tearuslee tail fin beat furiously to keep her on Clay’s back.154
Clay strained to keep his grip. He fought against the drag, and little by little he made it to the other side gasping for breath. With sides heaving, he shook out his overtired arms.155
“There’s,” panted Ella, “there’s no push or pull over here.” The three slide off Clay’s back and swam over to the edge. They could see nothing but dark empty water.156
“Let’s rest here for awhile.” Tearuslee said panted.157
Clay just moaned, as he sunk his carapace to the floor. Tad hung suspended, gills flaring and fins slack. His eyes darted here and there searching everywhere. Both Ella and Tearuslee leaned back against the hard cavern wall. Ella dropped her head into her hands while Tearuslee and Clay stared off into space.
Author notes
Finally finished it. But I'm only going to put a couple of chapter down at a time. I think some people lose interest if they see how many words there is in a story. So here's the first two. Thanks
Edited first chapter July 11th 2007
Edited second chapter July 23rd
Edited half of first chapter with Gary's help 9/27
Edited again with YndinaIrish's help 3-12-08
In a list
Be honest
Comments
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Okay - I'm a tad late. In reading this, I mean.
It's an original plot, to say the least, but it could do with a tune up here or there, y'know? Little glitches that take away from the story - and lemme tell you, this story has great potential to become something magical.
Great imagery, and your ideas are unique.
I don't mean to pretend to know all there is to know about writing, but I have a few suggestions, if you want em.
I see you've gotten Nicole to help you - that's great - if there was a word spinner, that's the gal! 
Good luck, Jo, and I'll give the other sections of the story a looksee soon.


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I'm trying to think if I even did the corrections Nicole gave me. I'll have to go back and see

Thanks for reading and any help you are willing to give I would gladly take. So lay it on me
Thanks again
Brooke -
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I would think it would be better to first correct it based on Nicole's suggestions.
You know? Cause half of what she spotted I probably did.
And then, I can send my observations on to you.
RJ -
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Ok I've gone over Nicoles notes and I seem to have gotten most of them. I will go over them again this week and see what I've missed, if anything.
So please if you could let me know what your suggestions are if would love it.
Thanks again
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I really like it so far! I hope that it gets published. It's the kind of story I wouldnt mind my kids reading when I have children, and heck, I like it a lot myself! Great job, I'll come back and read the rest as time permits. -Liz


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Thanks so much and keep your fingers crossed I'm sending this out next week.

Brooke
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This is a great fantasy story for children! It's exactly the kind of thing I would have read (or made up for myself
) when I was a wee munchkin! This is excellent, and I'm sure that when you get it published, there will be a whole lot of happy little kids toting your book around for a bedtime story!
Nice job!
A few (or a lot *tries unsuccessfully to look innocent*) things I noticed while reading:
* For the record - lady ferns are one of my favorite ferns!
* "Gently Ella's mother rubbed her arms" - Who are you referring to with "her" - Ella or her mother? Because the last noun you had was Ella's mother, which implies that the pronoun is referring again to the mother, but I got the impression that you actually meant her mother was rubbing Ella's arms... Ah, syntax...there's a reason the English language is so hard to master... *laughs*
* "drew Ella's eyes to wings 'purple wings?'" Are you missing some kind of puncutation after wings? And I think "purple" should be capitalized.
* So why was Ella terrified before, but when she sees the winged something, curious? What changes her mind?
* "drew in a deep breathe and opened the door" - should be "breath" not "breathe."
* You seem to have some strange returns in the middle of some of your paragraphs...seems like one of those silly glitches that sometimes happen when transferring stories from one place to another, yes? Annoying, aren't they? *laughs*
* Mermaid school?? Sweet! Can I take classes there? Please?
* "She wanted to put it in away that wouldn't scare Ella" - "a way" should be two words, dear.
* "ok...a special shell" - I think "Ok" should be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a sentence. Same with "my pond?" a bit later.
* "whirlpools dieing or disappearing" and "when we start dieing so do they" - "dying" is the correct word - "dieing" means something else entirely.
* "She bite her lip and waited" - bit instead of bite.
* "then it dawned on her, "the fin." - capitalize "The fin" perhaps?
Actually, you do that quite commonly with dialogue...I might leave the rest of them for you to find, so I don't keep flooding this comment with them... 
* "Tearuslee and Ella continued peeked around the corner" - continued to peek?
* "The girl's came swimming out" - "girls" doesn't need an apostrophe!
* "as the sharpened shell imbedded it's self in the cavern wall" - should be "itself."
* "The three slide off Clay's back" - I believe you mean "slid," since everything else has been in past tense, yes?
* "gills faring and fins slack" - do you mean "gills flaring"? I'm not quite sure what "faring gills" are...*laughs* -
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I could just
and kiss you. Thank you for going through this. I do have to say in my defense that I wrote this before I understood speak tags, so yes I'm going to have to go through and see about those pesky ,'s and such.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I love lady ferns too. I've got a bunch out by my pond
Thanks again and I hope you'll read the other chapters and
Brooke
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Really Good!
I think the publishers will love your story!

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OK, I'll comment on Ch. 2 since I commented on Ch.1 in SAR group.
Capitalize the first letter at the beginning of the dialogue (graph 1 of ch. 2.)
Watch your punctuation in dialogue, especially before dialogue tags.
You know, I think I like this chapter better than Ch. 1. The plot is fantastic, and character development is quite good. You have a nice flow to your prose, and the inventiveness of the characters beneath the waters is very creative.
Most of the problems that I see are just minor fine-tunings. Keep it up!


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You know I just figured out what to do with dialogue tags a couple of days ago. I should really go through all my stories and fix those.
Thanks for reading the second chapter and for liking it. What an ego boost.
Thanks again
Brooke
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“It’s as big as a school bus.”
Tearuslee looked at her surprised, “What is a bus?”
Ella whispered in Tearuslee’s ear, “it’s big. Let’s just leave it at that.”
I loved that line. Fantastic story all around. -
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It's one of my favorite lines too.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Came back for more!
To continue:
"she trotted RIGHT UP TO the water's edge" = trotted to the water's edge!(or even UP TO)
"off the pond's stormy surface" (you get to lose the clumsy "of the")
"was there BEFORE" = was there.
"was NOW gone" = was gone!
"purple wings AND THE tail in the water" =...wings, tail in the water...all gone!
BREATH (no e)
"hit the leaves." (forget "of the trees")
STATEMENT is a word that doesn't quite fit the kid's vocabulary. Just say Ella heard no response. Nothing moved. After a few minutes...etc"
Very nice...consistent. Believable from a kid's point of view. Nothing wrong in the form or language.
"Next day...Ella...again!"
You don't need again (you just said "next day!")
Lose: "And once again" (It's unnecessary.)
"every few minutes ELLA unfolded her arms and reached for...etc" (works better and less wordy than "she would unfold her arms...")(more active)
"back OUT THERE" just "back" is enough.
"just wasn't sure" forget the "just"
"up to FACING it" "up to it" is better. No one knows what she would be "facing!" (she doesn't know either!)
I'm not sure the kid would be pondering the possibility of insanity...
"running AROUND in circles" (Dum-de-dum...here's that ubiquitous "AROUND" again! (lol!)
Just say "These questions kept repeating themselves in Ellas mind. (or kept bothering her...etc)
("Running around" in her brain...you know?)
You don't need to repeat the word "fairy." Just say "stuff out of STORIES..." or "Kid stuff!"
Forget "Finally"...just: 'As the rain tapered off...etc.It's a nice ending to that section...you don't need to herald it or "tip" it with "Finally."
It's much more dramatic without that!
OK?
Later, if you like!
G
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Hope this is ok! Story sounds fine...so far!
Hello again,
Let me try, at least some of this...it IS rather long. But I shall try to make my comments count for a general kind of error instead of specific nitpicks!...so that I might not need to do the who EPIC! (Why do so many undertake these tremendously lengthy projects?) Oh, well. Here goes:
"Landing" = placing.
You don't need "right" in front. In front is enough. It is verbiage like this that extends the length of the piece AND...slows it down!
Here's another redundancy: "repeated this SEVERAL TIMES!" "Repeated this" is, of course, enough!
"Glancing OVER the grounds" or "along the ground" "around the ground" is kind of awkward.
"She STARTED to stand up" ="She STOOD up" then PERIOD. New sentence.
"Sunk UNDER" "Sunk" is enough!(see the redundancy?)
"A pale FACE popped up...the sides of the FACE..." Don't repeat the same word in one sentence like this. Find another way to say it...or find a synonym.(or how about "CHEEKS?")When you read ALOUD to yourself...you can preclude much of that. You'll HEAR it!
"Brought her BACK"...from where? Just "back" is a little too colloquial..particularly in this fantasy setting...We are really not SURE as to where she IS...(nor is she! lol!)
I notice the word "AROUND" for the third time at least. Too much. Be aware of it.(I noticed your use of it in other stories as well)
"Ella's mother rubbed Ella's arms" Does that sound good to you? (Good place for a pronoun or two)
"She stood THERE watching..." You don't need "there." Verbiage!
"Branches of the Oak TREE" Don't need TREE.
"Reaching for the sky" = "skyward"
"Running down the glass" = on the glass (they wouldn't run UP! Don't be married to the words!
"lulled her to a state of relaxation" = relaxed her.
(It's a kid's story!)More later...(if you wish! lol!)
Sounds good, though! Really.
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This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you for all of this. When writing a childs story and probably in my others I do tend to use to many words. And I was so hoping you would point this out for me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Brooke
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I really liked this beginning. There are more than a few spelling mistakes which you'll need to clean up before sending off.
I thought the story flowed quite well, and your inventiveness and imagination is very impressive. I love these type of fantasy stories and was immediatley drawn into your language.
The pond scene in Chapter 1 was fantastic. Ella's inquisitiveness and fear was evident. Good characterization. I have bookmarked your chapters and plan to read on. I think you just need to polish it up a bit before sending it off.
Good work! -
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Thank you so much for your words of praise
. And I have printed this out and am now going over it to find those pesky spelling errors 
Again thank you for reading and for commenting and I hope you like the next three chapters.
~*Brooke*~
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Ella's curiosity reminds me of Alice from Alice in Wonderland, only your character is a little more cautious and nervous
Also, Alice in Wonderland was more a mathematical / play on language story, while yours is more focused on detail and descriptions, but I do see similarities between the two.
There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing that took away from the story. Good stuff
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I had never even thought about Alice when writing this. How funny is that, but yeah I can see where they might be like each other.

Well anyways thanks for reading and for commenting. If you get the chance could you point out the errors. Thanks
~*Brooke*~
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I liked this a lot. I hope there are more chapters because I like your characters and the way you developed them. It's a very nice and well-written story. Good job.

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This is a finished story. The other chapters are as follows
http://storywrite.com/story/47273 Chapters 3&4
http://storywrite.come/story47768 Chapter 5
Thanks for reading and for commenting. And I'm glad you liked it.
~*Brooke*~
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I saw something that was missing a couple of words in the sentence, you said, "Don't scream. said the girl or what Ella would have normally thought was a girl. On a second glance she noticed it wasn't a normal."
And then that's the end of the sentence and I think there is something missing.
It would be better like this, "Don't scream. said the girl, or what Ella thought was a girl. On a second glance she knew it wasn't a normal girl."
That's all I saw. You description was VERY GOOD especially at the beginning. The whole idea was original, fun and not like any other story or movie out there. You did a very good job! And I am definetly looking forward to reading more.
. Rewarded 8
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I am pleased that you took the time to read all the chapters and that you enjoyed them.
It is a great ego booster. I am trying to polish this up and send it off and your comments have helped so much. 
Thanks for the third time
for reading and for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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Aww!!!!
Brooke, I adored this.. and I DID have the image of the lady in the water as a mermaid!!!!! ^_^ Elle's reaction seemed natural not only for a kid, but for someone even as old as I am
I would avoid the pond for a while, but seeing how much she loves it, I understand why she would go back to it 
I love how you got simple everyday "human" things to be weird for the merfish
I would have not been aware of that (TV and bus, haha, IF I had written this, I might have forgotten that Tearuslee was a mermaid and might have implied that she knew what a tv and bus were
). I also like the creeping crust disease - it seems like a very serious thing for the merfolk
at the same time, very believable 
I love how you narrated this, I saw the pond the same way Elle did
In fact, I saw most things beautifully, the way young children do..
However, I did notice that your description seemed to wane by the end of this chapter.. x.x Like when they were sharpening and going about the current, I feel that it lacked "something" (Sorry x.x I don't exactly know what - but unlike the other parts here, I found it hard to imagine that short moment x.x)
I shall read more after I wake up later (It's laready 6 am
)
Thank you so much for sharing this, Brooke!!!!!


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Thank you for the words of praise. And I shall go back towards the end and see what is missing. I do tend to rush the ends (stories or chapters) sometimes. Thanks

~*Brooke*~
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the description is really well done. the character could do with more emosioal description though. i loved the scenes with the coral. the length was fine but maybe more detail of the story would have been better as it seemed slightly rushed. the first two cahpters really started the story off well. good ideas, lucyx
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This is amazing i love your writing i hope i can read more by you in the future its great
love britt. Rewarded 4
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I Like It
I like this a lot. I can not wait to read what happens next!
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I have the next out and the ending chapters. I will put them on this group but I'm trying to figure out how to delete this story in the group with out deleting it on the whole site. Barbara is finding it out for me. As soon as she does that I will get it on.
Again thanks for reading and commenting.
~Syren~
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Painting a picture
You truly do have the gift of imagery and this one is no exception. You need to just try to fix a few grammatical errors. If you read the story out loud after you finish it helps to pick up these things, so the story flows with the correst dialogue. Description is great and you can tell a good story. Well done. Rewarded 4
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Thanks
Thanks for reading this. As to the mistakes I will get on them soon. Thanks for pointing them out. Just a couple more comments and I will get the next two out. There fairly short chapters so it's a quick read. Thanks again.
~Syren~. Rewarded 4
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the opening is very beautiful, i love the imagery of the pond.
theres two slight mistakes in here, if you read them you'll see -
He search in the pond and around it and found nothing. I’m not sure what your think your saw out there but I don’t think there’s any reason for you to stay inside.”
I love the warmth of the indoor scene and the feeling of the nature in the garden. the words you use paint a charming picture in my mind!
another possible glitch
Once she picked it up she found that it is a shell and not a stone at all.
in my view, it would read better
once she picked it up she found it was(in fact) a shell
i dont know, maybe its just me?
the whole story is great. there are so many beautiful little pieces amongst these words, truely look forward to reading the next section.
thanks for sharing this great piece!
. Rewarded 4
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REALLY good
I really liked the first part of this, and can't wait to read the next part.


















