My time alone

My time alone1

[Setting: Janis’s office. April talks about her days before and during her depression.]2

Janis: [reading] - “The walls are dark and cold and half the time, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I write in this journal everyday, waiting for someone to realize that I am sitting here.”3

April: [sitting in an office chair, hands in pockets, staring at the floor] - As they looked at me, I put my head down one more time. I was never the type to catch attention. I was more along the lines of someone who had no friends and sat and scribbled in a note book for long periods of time.4

Janis: -why were you like that?5

April: [looks up then back down at the floor] – Well, when I was fifteen years old, I was walking home from school, with all my friends. We were walking down Parker Avenue, laughing and talking like normal teenage girls do. We stopped at a light, and as we did, I saw a bright red car- like the one my mom had, whiz through the intersection; running a red light. I cringed and all my friends yelled as we watched in horror as a truck coming from the opposite lane, swerved and braked trying to avoid a collision with the little red car. The attempt was unsuccessful; the truck t-boned the little red car, sending it flying right towards us. We scattered and ran in all directions. 6

Janis: [leafing through a big black book] – And what happened after that?7

April: - I ran out of the way of the car and stood across the street looking in horror. There was smoke coming out of the front of the red car. I could faintly hear an ambulance coming down the street. It pulled up and pulled a bruised, and bloody middle aged women from the red car. I didn’t think of it at the moment, but as I walked home a while later, I began to recall that the women they pulled from the car looked a lot like my mom. I mean without all the bruises and blood. I cringed and started running towards my house. The more I thought about it the more scared I was. I ran and ran for almost 5 blocks. I finally got to my house and ran inside. I grabbed the nearest phone I could find and called my mom’s cell number. It rang and rang. After 4 calls I hung up. I was really scared!8

Janis: [writing things on a clipboard.] What did you do next?9

April: [twirling her hair in her fingers and moving her foot around] – I waited for my dad to get home. And when he did, he burst through the front doors yelled at me to get in the car. He yelled a lot of things I didn’t understand. There were tears in his eyes and a panic-stricken look on his face when I saw him. We jumped in the car and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that my mom had been in a car- accident and that she was in critical condition in the hospital. 10

Janis: -Were you scared?11

April: [looks up wide eyed] – Terrified! My mind went back to earlier in the afternoon. All the images of the accident were clear and fresh in my mind again. I cried and cried for a long time when we were told that she was dead. They said as they always do in movies, “We did all we could, there was just nothing we could do…” I now understand why people are never satisfied with that answer. My dad almost choked the doctor. 12

Janis: [writing again in her book] – How did you react to your mother’s death as the weeks and months continued?13

April: [paused for a second] – Well, I went back to school after the funeral. It was about two weeks later. I missed a lot. My teachers were very understanding and that was nice. My principal actually gave me permission to slack off! People were very nice and understanding. I got a couple bunches of roses from my friends, and a lot of chocolate and cards from other people. 14

Janis: [looking up from her writing] - So when did you start noticing the withdrawal and the depression starting?15

April: [paused again] – Almost immediately. I took myself out of a lot of clubs and competitions that I had been involved in before. I missed a lot of class and started talking less and less to people. I spent a lot of time in my room, crying and screaming at the world. I thought nobody would understand if I told them how I felt, so I never did. 16

Janis: - How did your relationship with your father progress?17

April: - Not very good. We hardly ever talked. He worked a lot of long hours at work. He slept or watched television when he was home; he had hardly any social life. I know he went to the bars a lot more, because he came home drunk all the time. To tell you the truth, he really started to scare me. 18

Janis: So tell me how things progressed from there.19

April: Well the withdrawal got worse, I was probably only in school once or twice a week on average. I started reading a lot though. I got to spend a lot of time by myself. I think the best thing I ever read was a poem by Robert Frost- called “Desert Places”. It’s a poem about being alone. What I found was interesting about it, was that he didn’t mind being alone in the poem. He seemed to like it. It’s like it was better than being with all kinds of people. 20

Janis: - Did this help you out?21

April: [stands up and starts pacing] – A little. I really started spending a lot more time in isolation. In the next two years, I completely isolated myself from the world. 22

Janis: How was that?23

April: In those two years, I can safely say I learned the most about myself. I took time to get myself back on track. I read a lot of books and poems, about finding yourself and about fear. I also read a lot about dealing with anger, resentment and guilt. I began to realize that my mom was dead, and that she wasn’t coming back. I learned that I needed to stop dwelling on the negative and focus on the positives. Like all the good times my mom and I had. About 4 years after my mom died, I decided I needed some more help than I was capable of getting from self-help books. So I found a grief counselor. I talked a lot in those sessions, and I think I can safely say that I learned a lot from them.24

Janis: After the grief counseling where did you go from there?25

April: I tried to get a job, but no one would hire me, because I only had a grade eleven education. I was nineteen and completely helpless. I looked and looked for help and then I was looking through the phone book one day and I saw your ad in the paper. I phoned you and here I am six months later. 26

Janis: So what have the last four and a half years taught you about yourself and about life?27

April: In the last four and a half years, I learned a lot about isolation and what it does to people. I will never say that being in that isolation completely helped me, but it never really hurt me. In that time I got a chance to read more about other people who had been in my situation. They had the answers to the questions I wanted to ask. It gave me a lot of reassurance knowing I wasn’t the only one out there. I don’t think I would do it differently if given the chance. There were so many lessons I learned. People can argue all they want, but the time I spent alone, was some of the most beneficial time I have ever had.28

Janis: I am so glad we did this again, April. You are making excellent progress. I am so proud of you.
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