where i want to be

One1

ma is black.
papi is hispanic.
Yankee and I are the hybrids of
their union.2

ma is a stoner/jesusfollwer
papi an alcoholic-currently stuck in AA
until he gets his ** together.3

Yankee is a pimp
screwing girls
here
there
in the house
in his car
wherever he can get it4

dealing coke to the crackheads
who **ed up their lives
to the point where there ain't5

no
turning
back
stuck
in
the
hell
they
created
until
they
die
.6

and it doesn't bother
him that he's killing people-
taking part in their suicide.
as long as the money keeps
on rolling in, life in YankeeVillie
is luxurious.7

then
there's
me:8

i'm not ghetto.
though some slang will slip out
here
and
there.9

i am miss proper-as far as speaking and manners go.10

my friends call me miss VG-Vintage Goth.11

thirft stores are my
Express
The Limited
Wet Seal12

i'm not into season fashions.13

i wear what i like
when i feel like it
how i like it.14

ma wishes i were more
prim.
girlish.15

and i am-in my own way.16

she doesn't complain too much
about my:17

clothes
hair
piercings
tattoo
music18

she may wrinkle her nose
in disgust at my purple hair
or my lip ring
or new tattoo-which i remind her is only
temporay (i'm too chicken to get a permanet one)19

but she is quiet.20

i'm not like Yankee.21

i'm not like anybody.
i am me.
truce. as long as i'm not
getting into trouble
copying everybody else-
she's cool with it.22

this
family
is
messed
up
.23

frustrated-yes.
angry-yes.
want to get the hell out of here-yes!24

would i trade them for anyone else-no.25

we all have our **.
regardless-they are still
family.26

_________27

Two28

worst thing about living in the projects:29

police swarm the complex
almost everyday.30

drug bust
dead person
fights31

frequently on channel four -----> insert tag line-THE LOCAL STATION!-32

i live in a hellhole.33

it stinks.
courtesy of the dumpster.34

there's no peace.
courstesy of the people.35

the apartments are built out
of the cheapest ** on the planet36

so things constantly fall apart
break down
tender spot in the wall
they want you to coguh out
cash to pay for repairs.37

why pay for ** that's been broken from
the start?38

ma keeps saying they ought to tear this
place down
start over.39

i ask her: where will we go?40

she just shrugs.
'we'll go somewhere.'41

then she adds-'not another hotel.'
hotels.42

i don't i want to be in another
anytime soon.43

we lived in them until some
preacher fixed us up with this place.44

ma goes to his church.
she says we owe him our lives.45

what. ever.46

we could have gone
anywhere-47

some place better than this.
but no.48

she choose cheap.
just like the people who
built this piece of crap.49

Yankee putters around in the kitchen
towel hanging on his waist
rummaging through the contents
in the fridge.50

ma stands by the window
watching the world below us
engage in yet another boxing round
joint wedged between her plump lips
shaking her head51

'Lord have mercy.' She mutters.52

i scoff.53

God willing, he'll kill them all.
now.54

Yankee pops the cork on
the bottle of white wine he bought
home last night, guzzlign half of it.
his towel falls from around his
hips, exposing his **.55

ma blows smoke out her nose
looks at him, shakes her head, goes
back to the window. Yankee bends over to pick it up
and i catch a glance of his dick.56

i look away
snorting a laugh.57

when we were little
maybe five and eight
we used to bathe together.
it was harmless then.58

we had no clue
about sex.59

one day
ma had to leave to us alone
for a bit to go shopping.60

so we had to run our bath.61

seeing each other naked
wasn't Ew to us.
fondling each other felt good
and funny.62

in other words:
I grabeed Yankee's penis
and wouldn't let go.
he thought it was funny and started messing with me.63

we stopped after we heard the words64

incest
pregnancy
AIDS65

we were eleven and fourteen then66

old enough to understand
old enough to be scared.67

whenever i see him naked...that's
what i think about.
it's a little embarrassing
shaming.68

but we laugh about it sometimes.
when we're not **ing
fighting
throwing stuff at each other69

we laugh
and
laugh
and
laugh
and it feels like then again.
when we were close and talked.70

ma burns out her joint
slips off her shoe
beats the counter with it.71

roach.72

that's the other bad thing about this place.
roaches. and rats.73

pest control spraysthe apartments every month.
** doesn't work.74

Yankee disappears into the hall
in his room.75

ma says she's going
to the store- again.76

I pick up my messenger bag
and leave for the 2:15 bus
to St Johns.77

I have a job interview.
my fifth one this month.
crossing my fingers
praying that this time
I'll get hired.78

money is scarce.79

well...except for Yankee.80

and I don't borrow from him
because it's illegal cash.81

and82

i don't want to worry about
paying him back.83


________84

Three85

buses are just as bad
as the projects.
men that like
to prey on young girls
watching you.86

best thing to do: sit up front
don't stare.87

junkies
the homeless
ride in the back of
the bus.
it smells like
death back there.88

then again-it smells like death everywhere.89