Chapter One of My Life

So I write in so many journals it's sick. I have them piled around me. Under my mattres, stuffed in drawers. Full of unfinished stories. Stories I've always hoped that would one day become reality. Stories that live inside my head, where people dwell with skin as purple as grapejuice and as yellow as the sun. In that world I'm completely safe. Completely apart from this complicated realm of cruelty. Into my world of chaotic sanity. Distraught love... but yet it seems the only place I've found happiness. Until I met a boy who told me my heart was beautiful. Unfortunately this was after the part where I met the asshole whom I love with all my heart. But that first one does sound nice doesn't he. Yeah... I think so too.
So we'll start at day one... someday maybe right after I dumped Chris.
OvErAnDoUt: so... does this mean you don't wanna date anymore?
irridescentcrescentmoon: yeah... maybe if you didn't live so far away.
OvErAnDoUt: meh. i don't care. it's not like i loved you anyways.
OvErAnDoUt has signed off at 8:12:02 p.m.1

Shortly after that incident I cried my eyes out and tried phing to tell him I'd made a mistake... but to no avail. For three nights I slept curled up in one of my oversized sweatshirts. Mourning for what I had lost. But after three days of hell and the realization that 'I'm single again!' wasn't coming sa quite a shocker... well then I began to enjoy it. I'd never really had problems like that before so it was quite refreshing when it ended. Then I started writing. More and more of it... the journals would stack around my body... shortening breath. so much that I didn't have space to think. And yet... I found some space. The nice thing about that space was that it was mine. Much like the space that I lived in... the place in my imagination. It wasn't as present then... keeping itself in disguise and making it so that no one else suspected me to dissapear. And somehow...
Anyways... I was reading my old journal entries from about then. So here I go.
Dear Diary,
I'm surrendering to someone inside me who I knew would have the will, the strength, the path that we'd need to follow it. She is strong where I am weak. She leaps forward where I would falter. She is beautiful where I am bland. She is alive here I am dead.
I put down my pencil, feeling exhausted after so few words. I pulled my hands over my head... hoping she wasn't real.
I can't compete with a better me. I can't compete with a me that doesn't feel. I don't know what to do sometimes, yet there is nothing to do. You're always doing something, wanting everything... always giving less. Less then possible.
I flopped back onto a pile of clothes that were clean yet unfolded and proceeded to stare up at the cheesy glow-in-the-dark hearts that I had glued to my ceiling in the letters that made up Dracula. Vampires were my world at one point in time. Darkness has always looked so welcoming. Just like closing your eyes.
When I started bleeding, hoping that vampires would come and transform me into a creature of the night, and they never came... let's just say I lost faith in things that I couldn't see and touch.
All that changed around six months later when I discovered a fun little thing called long distance relationships.
My first "un-physical" relationship was with a guy named brandon... he was my frist impression. It was all about... sex. How, you might ask, is an "un-physical" relationship all about sex. Two objects of obsession. Computer and phone. These two material possessions might just alter your life forever, thrusting you into a land of phone sex and cyber role-play on Aol Instant Messenger.
Needless to say that one wasn't my so imagined "love at first bite" so I broke it off within a few months. I crushed on a few guys before summer, a main one was Chris. He was upfront, laid-back, and oh so -nice-. I secretely, or so I thought, crushed on him for the rest of the year, when, at the last dance, I discovered that he was moving to Texas. Dallas, TX a place sure to be infested with tarantulas, gay country boys, but most importantly... girls who were altogether just prettier then me.
Somehow, I had wormed my way into his heart beffore he left hellhole Cincinnati... so we began my second long distace relationship.
Chris, so unlike Brandon, had morals. And I wasn't so sure that I liked them. When he finally visited me I was nervous down to my toes... but then all the butterflies flew away and left me with something I described then as... safety. Now, I recognize it as familarity... or well disguised boredom. He was barely down-to-earth and he gave me compliments, telling me I was cute and funny and perfect. I resented that the only criticism I ever got from him was on my poetry.
My poems had started when I was first allowed to write. Around 5 or 6, when my prided poem began iwith roses are red... yet they didn't stay that way for long. I evolved into a much "different" person... and so did my poetry. The person I was by day, was a little different then the one I was by day.
Chris remembered the cute and nice girl that I had been all year before... yet by night I was still the same... me. Since Chris was relatively normal, he went to bed at a relatively normal time. When I snapped down the white hot light of my computer screen and let my eyes grow accustomed to the darkness.. I turned into the person... the "thing" that I had always wanted to be. A creature of the night. 2