Control

Control By the time Chris found out that Tanya Ross was a prostitute it was already too late and he was in love with her. To him she was the daughter of Mick Ross one of his favourite patients. Mick was fighting the good but hopeless fight against the lung cancer that would take him after a six month struggle. Chris was his visiting nurse. Mick had refused to go into hospital having always had a deep, irrational fear of them even before he lost his wife in one. Mary had died giving birth to Tanya, their fourth .Mick had never fully recovered. Even so he always kept his best side out – covering his sadness with a constant smile and the chirpy humour of a real Dub. He rarely mentioned his illness preferring to share his passion for sport with Chris. He knew the drugs were useless and made it clear, without fuss, that he was pretty much ready to go. “Sure Mary has the kettle on”. 1

2

-Of his four daughters Mick loved Tanya the best, and that was saying something. Everyone loved Tanya the best. She had become the focal point of the family. The energy generated by the grief of her mother’s death had been poured into caring for the new arrival. Tanya would never want for anything. And maybe that was the problem. 3

By the time she hit puberty she was almost uncontrollable. Repeatedly suspended from school, she dropped out after a dismal Junior Cert though all her teachers were well aware she was very bright. She simply refused to play ball. With tragic predictability she drifted into the fast lane and drugs. Cocaine became her preferred poison. Tony Ryan had seen to that. 4

She met him at Foxy`s, the night club she and her mates went to every Saturday night.. He was something to do with the management, she knew, because all the bouncers kissed his arse. She didn’t really know what though. He’d rescued her from a drunk who wouldn’t take no for an answer one night. She’d been impressed with his calm, quiet control and the way he hadn’t looked for thanks or recognition for the good deed. She liked his expensive suit -- and the way the bouncers kissed his arse. From then on he had always given her little nods and smiles of recognition, no more than that. Her friends fastened onto them immediately but she laughed it off as ridiculous. He was well preserved-but he could have been her father for Christ’s sake! Still – there was something about him. A few weeks, maybe a couple of months passed. It was a bad night in more ways than one. Unusually Tanya and her best mate, Mandy had failed to pull at the club. It was pouring rain outside. The queue for taxis outside the night club was already at least 15 couples long and growing. The rain always messed up the taxis. At least they had an umbrella to share. A big four-wheel drive - a Range Rover or something – pulled up beside them at the queue.. The tinted glass of the passenger-side window slid downwards and Tanya saw him , alone behind the wheel. “Can I give you ladies a lift?” Mandy was in the back seat before Tanya had a chance to think. The passenger door swung open and in an instant Tanya was surrounded by natural hide upholstery. 5

Mandy had done most of the talking on the way home. She was good at small talk. Tony Ryan laughed quietly and politely at all her jokes, even the un-funny ones .Mandy liked him. So it was both magnanimous and mischievous of her to arrange to be dropped off first. 6

Now, alone inside the plush interior of the big car , with this groomed and confident stranger, Tanya was immediately aware of a vaguely sickening tightness in her chest - a feeling of anticipation that was quickly becoming excitement. She became conscious of the shortness of her skirt. And she liked both feelings. 7

His lovemaking had surprised her. He was patient and measured in his every move. He watched her every move, staring at her, attentively, appreciatively. He studied her as a knowing trainer might study a beautiful animal. It appealed to her natural exhibitionism. She had never thought she’d fancy an older man – but she came first. And it was slightly disconcerting to reflect that through the entire interlude Tony Ryan had been totally in control. When he told her to give him her phone number it was not a request. And she knew he would call her. And she knew that she wanted him to. 8

Over the next four months she became his ‘girl’ Tony had money and clout and Tanya had adapted easily to the fringe benefits. When they drank they drank champagne- and they drank a lot. When they partied there was always a copious supply of cocaine. Tanya reveled in all of it. The coke, the money, the resentful looks that all Tony’s lady friends burned at her when they went out. 9

It didn’t really come as a huge surprise when Tony announced one night that he’d organized a new flat for Tanya. Well , a new house actually , up in Rathfarnham. It would make it easier for Tony to get away from his wife and be with Tanya more often. 10

There was a big party the night she moved in. As usual the champagne flowed. More than usual. Tony kept filling her glass, and raising his with some toast or other. The white lines on the glass-top coffee table just kept coming – getting longer and longer as the night went on. Tony seemed keen to introduce a new friend of his – Frank Something-or-other. Too much jewelry and too much after-shave. He was a creep. Tanya was uncomfortable with him immediately. She hoped he’d be one of the first to leave. He was on his own after all. But wouldn’t you know it –he’d be the last to leave. Tony’s mobile phone went off and he answered it in his usual hushed tones. Tanya tried to keep up a little small- talk with the creep. But now he was making no effort to conceal his attempts to look down her dress! And he kept touching her. She glared at Tony to finish the call and get rid of this guy. But to her horror Tony was getting up. Apologizing. Something important. Only take a while. Frank would look after her while he was gone. “Tony!!” she stifled a shriek. But he was kissing her on the cheek and disappearing out the door, waving over her shoulder to the creep. “See ye in a while Frank, Be good!” And he was gone. 11

Even before the Range Rover had finished crunching its way down the gravel drive in reverse, the creep had made his move. Tanya was looking daggers out the window at the receding headlights of Tony’s car when Frank stepped up behind her and grabbed her breasts. Well fuck THAT she thought. Whirling around she slapped him across the face and set about putting this asshole in his place. “Now lis …..” . For a moment she didn’t know what had happened. Couldn’t believe what had happened. Frank had punched her full in the face. She was on the floor and he was standing over her smiling. A horrible, predatory smile. “You fucking BASTARD she screamed. I’ll fucking kill you. Tony will kill you. Get the fuck out of here before I call him!” The creep almost laughed his reply. “Oh I don’t think so, lovey – I don’t think so! Tony knows how to take care of his customers - which is more than I can say for you. But don’t worry. It’s nothing we can’t work on – together. ” 12

- - - 13

It was a week before she had heard from Tony. And by that time she was ill. Her pain and her rage were small matters beside her all-consuming need for her fix. The tiny quantity of white powder left in the house the next morning had been quickly consumed. When all her attempts to contact Tony had failed she found herself quickly distracted by the need to contact a `source `. 14

Within 24hrs she managed to score a gram of coke. “Good stuff, no messin” the very dodgy young, not-so-close friend of Mandy had assured her. A Hundred Euro. A bargain. Because she was ‘a friend’. 15

- - - 16

Mick Ross had reminded Chris of his own grandfather even though there wasn’t the faintest physical similarity. It was his impishness, his boyish sense of fun and his appreciation of the simple pleasures in life, like the Sunday papers and a pint before the football. Or a bad joke . “A pair of jump- leads walk into a bar. The barman says- “Sit down and don’t start anything”. Mick had liked Chris Grainger immediately as well. Not just the way all sick people like their carers – given half a chance. They would have hit it off anyway. In Chris , Mick recognized the man’s man, who liked the craic and loved his sport. Who’d ogle the weather-girls with him and sneak him the odd naggin of Jameson to flavour his tea on match days. But there was also an openness about his carer that seldom survives in a ‘mans world’. He’d have been called a faggot in Mick’s day, doin` a job like he did. Mick privately congratulated himself that even if Chris had been a faggot he’d still have liked him. As it was - he wasn’t, and the fact that his youngest dearest, Tanya, had reappeared after two years of heart-breaking unexplained absence, seemed too much like providence for Mick to ignore. It wasn’t his way to interfere. But a dying man should have some privileges. Tanya was still single and he had seen no wedding ring on young’ Grainger s’ left hand. Sure, what harm if he could arrange to get Tanya to visit in – and – around the times of his nurse’s visits. All`s fair – and so on. 17

Tanya had been screwed over for the second time that week. The coke looked ok. And tasted ok. And when she rubbed it on the soft tissue of the gums above her top front teeth, it had provided the requisite numbness. But all it seemed to do for her was make her sleepless and edgy. She was sharp but she had no peace. She was wired but there was no euphoria. She needed some good stuff. Some of Tony’s stuff. And Tony wasn’t around. She hated that bastard more than she ever hated anyone before in her life – but she was desperate to see him. Sitting at the table in the front room of her old flat in Balbutcher Lane, Ballymun she looked out at the awful vista of the Seven Towers on a drizzly, grey Dublin morning and knew for the first time, in any meaningful way , what it meant to contemplate doing yourself in . She let her head flop into her arms, folded on top of the shabby folding table and sobbed helplessly. She hardly noticed the phone ringing at first. When she did , she thought it had to be for her flat mate, Dolores. But it persisted. Finally she picked it up. It was Tony. All calm and caring and saying the right things. Soothing things about mistakes and misunderstandings and come right over. With something nice. All she could do was sob. And want him to come over and rescue her. 18

Later that evening in the bedroom of the house at Mountainview Drive on the Southside Tanya was feeling better. Tony had indeed rescued her. A generous helping of his special stock of cocaine had seen to that. Tony had always found that lacing it with a stiff hit of high quality smack made it a useful tool in securing the co-operation of his bitches. Now, understanding just how wrongly she’d read the whole situation , Tanya waited for Tony Jordan to begin undressing her as only Tony could do. To complete the comforting process - so successfully begun in the dingey little flat in Ballymun earlier that day - between the satin sheets of the king- size bed that filled this room. Tony was flicking through the wardrobe. He picked out a black satin wrap with a dubious black feather trim and threw it to her. “Will you like me in this?” she asked . “No darling” he said kissing her gently on the cheek and talking lowly in a her ear “But Frank will”. 19

And so Frank did. As did all the others Tony brought to the house at Mountainview Drive, Tony himself never touched her sexually from that day on. With all the skill of a pharmacist he progressively reduced the levels of heroine in the coke. Junkies were no use to his operation. He ran a classy joint. Soon enough there would be no need for `sweeteners` at all. Like broken horses, the bithces came to do as they were told pretty much automatically. By the time she heard her father had cancer Tanya had been living at Mountainview Drive for one and a half years 20

In the beginning Mick Ross’s plan to bring them together looked like it had backfired. Tanya seemed unusually sullen and withdrawn. Chris’s happy-go-lucky demeanor as he bantered with the old fella, playing the ‘just –two-blokes-down- the-pub’ routine the two of them had almost perfected together, seemed to irritate her inordinately. She greeted his bad jokes with even less tolerance than she managed for her father’s. She made it her business to be busy or otherwise engaged elsewhere in the tiny terraced house when Chris was attending to Mick’s medical support. 21

Chris thought she disliked him. He had that effect on certain women. On lots of women. It seemed to him that pleasant and polite had always been a surefire winner with his girlfriends` mothers - and the kiss of death with his girlfriends. He half understood that women would want their parents to disapprove of their beaux. He’d just never been much good at being reprehensible. Working up an effective act to cover this had just seemed like too much work. Torrid love affairs were for torrid people. Chris just wasn’t torrid enough. He didn’t blame Tanya for finding him dull. She wasn’t really his type either. But she wasn’t uninteresting. She wasn’t dull. 22

Tanya didn’t dislike Chris. But she resented him, deeply envying him his normality and his ease with her father.This total stranger could banter and chat and communicate with him in a way she wanted so desperately to do herself. But that was now as impossible for her as crying on her father’s shoulder or confessing everything and begging him to forgive her as she longed to do. Impossible because even if she managed to rid herself of the shame now eating at her innermost being , she would be sending her `Da` to his grave with a cross he couldn’t bear - and one which she certainly couldn’t remove. So she avoided, as far as possible, the occasions of her unbearable envy and got rid of the disconcertingly unencumbered male nurse as quickly as she could each day. Annoyingly, every time she tried to excuse herself before he arrived, her dad would present some pressing reason for her to hang around. 23

Mick Ross died on December 22^nd 2002 at 3.30 in the afternoon. The illness, the constant coughing and the drugs ultimately overloaded a coronary muscle with a congenital weakness. The heart attack spared him a longer, darker road. Death is always a shock - but when it arrives as a surprise as well, the effects can be amplified.Mick had been in the middle of one of his bad jokes to Chris. 24

“Two loonies are playing shop in the loonie- bin. The w-an says give us a pack o cigarettes and a box of matches. D’udder one says “get back to the back of the queue ….” 25

He’d started laughing before the end of the joke. He always did that. He’d been trying to get it together. To get the next bit out. Laughter was hard for him. He shouldn’t have but you couldn’t stop him. He never caught that breath. He was dead in thirty seconds. 26

Chris did all he could but he knew immediately that Mick was gone. He’d been about to call an ambulance when Tanya came in. She’d been making herself busy in the kitchen. She’d sensed more than heard that something was wrong. One look at her fathers pale skin and blue lips told her what she simply couldn’t bear to know. The helpless open- mouthed look on the nurse’s face confirmed it. 27

And she just lost it. She screamed that guttural , almost primal scream reserved by the women of this world for that grief which rips life from their world as life tears a child from their womb. She threw her arms across the bed that still contained, not her father, but already- immediately – only his remains. So much smaller and less significant now that they were devoid of his life. There’s a definite weight, a small but significant measure, three quarters of an ounce or something like that. It’s supposed to be the difference between the body’s weight , immediately before and after death. The apparent difference is much greater. The real difference is incalculable. 28

Tanya threw herself across her father’s corpse and beat the mattress on the far side of him, rocking him gently with her chest and screaming 29

“Da ! No ! Oh Please Jesus Da, No-oo! Not now ,Da! Ye can’t Da ! Please! ” 30

Chris gently put his hands on her shoulders and drew her back , away from the bed. At first she complied submissively. But suddenly she turned and continued to deliver the blows onto Chris’s chest. He caught her wrists as gently as he could but she tore them free. Her eyes were wild. She looked like she wanted to kill him. Chris had seen stuff like this before. But not quite. 31

Stepping inside the blows he pulled Tanya close and squeezed her as reassuringly as he could. At first she continued to beat at his back with her closed fists. Then her strength seemed to fail and for a moment she was limp in his arms and sobbing gently. Chris had seen this before as well. He would soon have the situation under control . 32

Then Tanya seemed to recover and draw back a little . Her tears had devastated her make-up and her fringe was matted across her face, straggling into one corner of her mouth. Her tear- filled eyes, half shut now, focused on Chris Grainger’s face and she fixed his eyes with hers. 33

” You’re good at this – aren’t you ? “ she said . 34

“ Good at what? “. Chris was baffled . 35

“ You’re good at handing out the lines to all the pathetic little bereaved people who think you really care ! Aren’t you Chris ? Got this all under control , haven’t you Chris ! “ . 36

“ Jesus Tanya , come on now ! I know this is hard but ….” 37

. “But what, Chris ? I`ll get over it? Time will heal? God is good? We`ll all pull together and a thousand other fucking clichés will make this all right ? Is that it? “ . 38

“ Look Tanya I know this is pretty devastating …” . 39

She cut him short again. 40

“No Chris! You don’t know. You don’t know me. You don’t know anything. You can’t fix this. You can’t fix anything! You’re just a stupid, useless little tart! “ 41

.Chris couldn’t help the anger that rose in him. But as he opened his mouth to remonstrate with her, Tanya grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled her face up towards his. Chris was so stunned he allowed the kiss to continue for some seconds. When he eventually pulled himself away, stunned and breathless he raised his hands in supplication and began to plead with her - to reason with her. “Tanya, no – you’re in shock, Please – calm down – it’ll be alright” 42

“Alright!?” she screamed - and a massive round house blow sent him reeling to the floor. Then suddenly she was on top of him ,straddling him , pressing down on him commanding him with every fibre of her being not to resist. Chris found himself frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. Tanya was quiet now and her movements were rhythmic and controlled. Holding him with her gaze she began opening her blouse. Her eyes challenged him, dared him to continue. He felt like someone having an out of body experience as he watched his hands move towards the remaining buttons and unfastening them. 43

At the funeral he was a torrent of tortured and twisted emotion. After the macabre scene on the floor of Mick Ross`s bedroom Tanya had discarded him like the piece of dirt he felt he was, leaving him to fumble through the necessary formalities – the ambulance- the coroner – the family – the semen stains on his clothes. Throughout the ritual that would lay Mick Ross to rest beside his beloved Mary, Tanya ignored Chris, hiding from him and the world behind dark glasses – like a film star or a battered wife. He’d been invited to the reception afterwards and the family wouldn’t take no for an answer. As he tried to slip away soon after arriving , Tanya grabbed his arm and insisted politely – but publicly - that the family wouldn’t hear of it. As he turned the key of his car in the car park later that afternoon she appeared , unannounced, at the passenger door , opened it , and got in. 44

For the next four months Chris lived his life like a ghost – waiting for her next call. Sometimes it would take a fortnight. But the call would always come. Usually to the house in Mountainview but sometimes to the incongruous surroundings of a dingey tenement in Ballymun. At the former venue his role was that of a customer. Right down to the €250 which had to be paid up front. Tanya’s performance on these occasions was spectacular. Exotic and thrilling beyond anything Chris had ever dreamed of. The more so for her complete inscrutability. And his certain, unique knowledge of Tanya’s incredible vulnerability. 45

At Ballymun she was a different person entirely but no less inscrutable for that. Conversation was forbidden at either venue. But at her friends flat she wore flop clothes and no make up. She would lie against his chest and have him stroke her hair while she sucked her thumb. Just as she’d done when her father stroked her hair in front of the telly on family nights in. Chris understood without understanding, that she must have her way when she was with him – or the spell would be broken. As it was when the big four wheel drive pulled up outside that Saturday afternoon 46

Tony Ryan was pissed off. Tanya had been acting the bitch again. He knew where to find her. And knew what he’d do with her. Some wishy – washy little fucker had opened the door to the Ballymun hovel. What the fuck Tanya was doing always sneaking back here was beyond Tony Jordan. Tony pushed past Chris Grainger and strode into the mingin` little hole they called the front room in this kip. Tanya was on her feet hurrying to grab her coat. “Sorry Tony Jaysis I’m sorry I didn’t notice the time I’ll only be a ….” Tony grabbed her arm and swung her around to meet the slap on the face he had aimed at her. She yelped as he flung her on the couch. She began pleading and apologizing desperately. She knew this was a bad situation. Chris was in the room and it would all go very pear- shaped if he couldn’t get rid of him. “Fuck off Chris” she snapped`. He began to speak . “Who the hell is ….” “ Just fuck off Chris - do what I tell you, just get the fuck out of here!” Chris was used to doing what he was told by now. He was confused, but more than anything else - he was suddenly territorial. 47

Tony Ryan didn’t even look at him. He stood with his broad , leather – clad back barring Chris`s route to Tanya who was trying to regain her composure as she wiped a little blood from her lip. “Yeah Chris” drawled Tony “Fuck of back to your little wife before I kick the shit out of you”. Chris put his left hand to Tony Ryan `s right shoulder to turn him around. Tony’s elbow came up and scythed sharply backwards into Chris’s throat, almost crushing his windpipe. Old bouncers trick. Tony’s gaze never left Tanya as Chris grabbed at his own throat and doubled over. The look on Tony’s face was for her benefit. He’d teach her to have fucking boyfriends – here or anywhere else. Still staring at her ‘, he reached back, one - handed ,and caught Chris by the hair, yanking him forward so Tanya could look at his contorted features. “Who the fuck is this?” he sneered – then he brought his free hand smoothly across his chest smashing it into Chris Grainger`s nose, opening it up immediately. 48

Tanya screamed “Tony no! Leave him!” as she flew at him. Ryan sidestepped her neatly and flung her sideways across the room. He laughed at her as she fled into the kitchen. She’d probably come back with a bread knife. She had spunk he’d give her that. If she did , he’d take it off her and fillet this waster in front of her. Chris had sunk to his knees beside Tony. Only Ryan`s grip on his hair was holding him up. “So what’s your story, eh? Think you can fuck one of my girls and not pay?!” Releasing Chris’s hair with a theatrical upsweep of his hand ,Tony jerked his knee up under Chris’s chin sending him sprawling backwards . Then he slowly removed his jacket and swept back his hair with both hands. This would be sweaty work. 49

Tanya had not gone to the cutlery drawer. In the drawer below it was all the junk that accumulates in that drawer the same way in every house in the world . Tanya reached in and grabbed the two-pound ball-peen hammer . On her way out she grabbed a tea- towel . At the door of Tony`s Range –Rover, she held the tea-towel up to the tinted glass and swung the hammer at it . The alarm didn’t sound until she reached through the broken glass to release the central locking. As the buttons popped up she moved directly to the tail gate . Inside it Tony kept his ‘persuader’. A double barrel shotgun. He liked to show it off sometimes when some of the younger thugs in his organization were drinking at the house. Tanya tugged it free of its clips and made her way back through the open front door. She managed to cock the twin hammers and felt the two triggers click into the primed position. With both hands busy now she kicked open the door into the front room, to confront Tony. Tony faced her in his white shirt sleeves, Chris’s blood spattered across his shirt- front, Chris was now spread- eagled on the couch, his face a pummeled mess of blood and welts, his head lolling. Tony Ryan was smiling. Composure itself . “Tan – yah” he cooed “Tan – yah what are you going to do? Shoot me? “ 50

“Fuck off Tony !” . Tanya was anything but composed. Tears streamed down her face and her chin jittered.. “I`ll do it , you fucking know I will” 51

“Ba - by –you`re upset” His voice was smooth and mocking “What’s the matter. Has Big Daddy not been round to see you lately? Just give him a minute to finish redecorating pretty boys face here and he`ll be right with you!” 52

“I’ll fucking kill you Tony ! ” 53

Tony’s eyes wrinkled as his mouth drew a tight lipped face splitting grin. He shook his head ruefully, his hands rose in mock surrender. “I don’t think so, Tanya” His right hand moved towards the barrel and he made to take a step. Tanya’s finger jabbed at the triggers. Tony was stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t actually believed she’d do it. Pull the triggers. She really did have spunk. She just didn’t know a lot about guns. 54

“The safety catch, lovey. The safety catch” 55

As Tony made to continue towards the gun he laughed at the shock and the fear on her face. He couldn’t quite understand his lack of progress, the failure of his step to move his hand close enough to grab the gun barrel and remove it from Tanya’s grasp. 56

With his last ounce and a quarter of strength Chris had pulled himself forward on the couch and just managed to grasp the back of Tony Ryan’s trouser band. It was just enough. Tanya took her chance. With no idea where the safety catch actually was, she drove the barrel of the shotgun forward like a soldier thrusts a bayonet. The sharp edge of the barrel caught Tony between his eyes. They watered immediately and he reeled a little. Now holding the gun at almost arms length, Tanya swung her shoulders, pushing out with her right arm, smashing the butt of the weapon across Tony’s left cheek. He sank to his knees, bewildered. The follow-through from the second blow had left the gun held wide to Tanya’s left. With and instinctive pendulum action she swept it back the way it came, again smashing the butt of it into Tony’ Ryan s dazed features. She dodged him as he collapsed forward onto the coffee table. Then she took the gun by its barrel and swung at the base of Tony’s neck – and it was over. 57

Tanya took Chris round to her Dad’s old house. But they knew it was useless to run .Choosing who would find them first was one of the very few things left left under their control . 58