Broken Back Ch. 7

less than a half-mile off the coast, i was floating and anchored.
malibue beach. hmm. glistening you bodies, in and out of the water. distant sounds of laughter and splashing
made me think of life and the living.1

it's interesting. what makes people happy?
i took another line of heroine and and downed my tanqueray and lime juice as i needed to come down a bit off the frenetic high of my "cup of coffee", this morning. i wanted mellow for awhile.
calm
peace. huh. peace. was there such a thing without being constantly aneastitized. i didn't know anymore. nor did i even want to try. i knew my body was dying from my two questions that hung in the blue sky above that i just posed to myself..
what makes people happy?
is their real peace?2

with the sounds of the gentle waves lapping on the sides of the boat...and the distant noise of the beach activity, ...the first question hung in the air incessantly - in big, bold, black letters...hovering.
pulsating.
insisting.
i tried to wave the fucking thing away, but it wouldn't go. i had worked long and hard to avoid those questions. they didn't belong here. but like fucking ghosts, they just kept following me around, wherever i went. fuck.
what makes people happy. who gives a shit. (i do)
who cares (you do)
i do fucking not. shut the hell up! aren't i walking billboard of "i don't give a shit about anything anymore?!" . hey...i was hip. part of the new generation of cyberspaced out community fools who sit there day after day, reaching out desperately for attention they'd never get otherwise, in real life. the pages and thousands of fucking pages of evidence of the next gen ...just saying with their music lists filled with hate generating bands, double-fingered bitches, statement after statement made on each next users page of "i'm a fucking god...i'm a bitch and proud of it..i don't give a shit what you say...i'm me and i'll be who i want to be....god and religion sucks...my parents are assholes,...and it goes on and on and on and on .....or just those phony, "hey, bud....'sup?...add me to your friend list." ..diary entries..."oh yeah..it was so cool....i was just whacked on xtc last night...so wasted, man...totally wired. ..fucked up my dads car...hahahaha". i'm a cutter. i'm suicidal. i hate adults. i hate school. life sucks......yeah.....on and on and on.3

all of a sudden, i had to laugh a bit - for this one moment in time, i suddenly didn't feel so guilty...or alone. justified almost. i mean...it's a common thread any idiot should be able to see. electricity, radio, movies, television, more movies, in home movies, music videos instead of just albums, computers, internet....end result: total destruction of humanity, care, reasoning, family, moral values, work values...and the perfect isolation tools all in place to keep the mind numb and justify all the lack of care we have all grown in to, ....even to our own.
green eyes.
shit!
thought out4

in all this, my nagging little 3D graphic line of apparition hanging and pulsating 3 or 4 feet above me, marring the beautiful, blue sky...and fucking up my afternoon somewhat.
what makes people happy?
what makes people happy?
what makes people happy!
ohhhhh....fuuuuck!! - alright...why don't you give me the goddamn answer...cause i obviously don't have it.
turn up the music louder
do another line of smack
pour another drink
smoke a joint
pop a couple valium
fuck was everything getting hazy now. i could barely feel my back against the boat...i was afloat. ha. floating. floating...up,up and away...
so...there's your answer, you little fucker....numb out until you don't give a shit...or even notice. that's my answer.
good enough for you?, you little shit!
there were no answers. and everything was vulnerable and fleeting.
friends
family
careers
homes
pets
health
...and don't even get me started on love.
love
fuck.
what the hell is that? (green eyes)..FUCK OFF!! - i waved at the air drunkenly as though trying to bat a fly away. fuck. no eyes. no questions. no analysis. no answers.
turn up the music.
change this scene. i'm starting to get fucked over here..and it's ruining my afternoon.5

i stumbled over to the cockpit and drew up the anchor, turned this fucking beauty of a powerhouse boat on and just hit the throttle....flew. fast and damn fast!
wind blasting against my hair and face...oh fuck, this was great!! i arched it in wide circles, pulled back the throttle a bit...double inboard engines - special order made this bitch fly at speeds that lifted it right off the water. so i pulled it back, cranked the wheel back and forth and back and forth...still not too far off-land...matter fact..i was drawing closer to the shore as i did my water ballet. i just had to whip around for a while...blow my head off with speed and wind...to blast all the nagging shitheads that were at me. and it was working. speed. i always loved speed and driving...driving anything. hard and fast. my cars, my race cars...fuck, i even had my own private race track built..formula ones, stock cars..speed bikes. ...the my planes...a jet. i got it all. got the license to fly...which currently revoked, but didn't give a shit when that came. i went right to the top of the good 'ol united states senator who was in my pocket ...because i had envelopes large enough to turn anything over. the right to fly a jet even. army jet...under phony papers constructed by yet anotherr corrupt politician out for his own gains. fine by me. as long as i got what i wanted. and i always did. i hated money, really. but it always got me what i wanted and put me in command.6

so i circled the jet boat around in one mad circle over and over and over again...dolby surround blasting...my laughing my head off...and people starting to stop, shade their eyes and stare...it was hilarious. i don't think i've laughed this hard in ..fuck..who knows how long. ohhhhhhh...it was fucking great! 7

finally exhausted, i pumped her down...started to drift in one long slow circle...grabbed the bottle of gin and just downed a good quarter of it. my mouth and throat and stomach were so fucking numb from all the other chems in my system, it tasted and felt like cool water. ....hardly noticed. so here i was...now just a good 100 feet from shore. the busy beach. people still kinda staring my way..wondering what the fuck is going on with that guy. he must be drunk. little did they know....8

i set the anchor down again. pulled out my pipe and rocks.
one down
two down
three down. fuck i loved the taste of crack. punk drug really. but i didn't care. coke was the high-profile drug delivered to clients in my office and at home parties. had to be. had to be class...all the way. they'd leave the room...and i'd blow some crack. there was just something about it satisfying. it's a weak coke substitue, really. didn't have to do it. had tons of coke. but i just loved the taste and the plumes of smoke that would fill the air...and that little excited jump and rush i'd get from each draw. coke was a cup of coffee with a dash of strong numb. different.
so as the plumes floated away on the sea breeze, i poured another drink and lay back in perfect bliss on the deck. sweet serenity with a rush. hot sun. perfect breeze. this was the answer to peace. so i had my answers. good enough, albeit phony..good enough for now.9

after laying there for 20 minutes or so....i was shocked out of my dream by another dream.
hi
holy...fuck!
ohhh..sorry..did i scare you?
i sat up and looked at one of the most stunning babes i've ever seen lying on her surfboard at the side of my boat.
ahh..haha..yeah...just a little..
sorry
it's ok
i just kinda sat there after saying that, staring at this amazing asian beauty. not your average california fare at all. she couldn't have been more than 20 years old, long, lustrous black hair...shining. stunning green eyes...and a body so shapely and voluptous it should be bronzed and held forever in time. fuck. i sat there like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. either she knew i was wasted...or awed by her beauty..i'm sure a reaction she's use to. so she waved her hand high as though to snap me out of it and smiled
hello you....she chuckled.
ahh..yeah. hi. sorry...ahhh...
all i could think of to say in my stoned and awed state was....ahhh. .do you wanna come aboard for a drink?
sure! ..she said with bright enthusiasm
i smiled inside myself. and then the immediate pondering began of why. why was she here....and why was she so enthusiastic.
fuck. i didn't care. oddly enough, although somewhat slightly pissed from my ultra-peaceful scene being broken, i suddenly felt this rush of wanting some company...and so the acceptance of change came fast.10

i pulled her on board...grabbed her surfboard and laid it across the stern. wow. now seeing her off the board and in full view...i tried hard to remain cool as though her stunning form and beauty hardly moved me.
she had this non-stop kinda grin going on as i fumbled around and she sat down and crossed her legs, spread out her arms across the rests on the plush seating half circle i had my designer put in to set with underseat air-conditioning that would balance out hot sun.
wow
ahh what?
these seats are nice and cool..not too hot
yeah..well...i had it built that way
had it built? hmmmmm. impressive.
how so?
well...you just don't find too many that have done that, that's all.
what she was really saying was..."wow...you're rich obviously"...and probably had drawn that conclusion from the boat itself at a distance.
didn't care.
didn't care about motive. just wanted her here for now.
this is a gorgeous boat!!
thanks...yeah...i like it the best, i think.
the best? you have more than one!?
yeah..i've got a few (more like 20)..but didn't wanna say.
her eyes widened and she smiled at me again as i handed her her drink.
i hope gin and tonic is to your liking?
that's fine. great. thank you.
no problem
so...what's your name?
tim...and yours?
jilly
nice
she chuckled and leaned over to tip her glass against mine...
well...here's to a beautiful day.
clink
i nodded...and we both took a long drink. i watched in surprise as she finished off the entire glass in one go.
she smiled a cocky smile and held out her glass
refill?
i smiled back at her and laughed.
thirsty, are we?
no..she said cutely with that smile
hmmmm. well...yeah..no problem..but ah...if you're looking to get high...i have a few options.
really? ...wider smile
yep. i knew i had to be careful, so i didn't give all the options at once.
i laughed to create the intro protect question...
you're not a cop, are you?
she laughed
do i look a cop?
ahhh...i don't know. they come in all shapes and sizes these days...ya never know.
true, she said...still laughing a bit
no. i'm not. don't worry...laughed.
well...i'd frisk you for weapons, but that might be considered somewhat overly paranoid and invasive at this point.
she laughed
why don't we leave that till later
whoaaa! bold. ...now this day had taken a whole new slant. loved it.11

so we sat there, smoking a joint. not saying anything really. drinking our drinks. listening to the music and letting the warm breeze, drinks and smoke do their trick. it was beautiful. i loved the fact she wasn't a non-stop, question asking, chatterbox i'd just want to throw overboard.
great music
you like?
love it. who is it.
this is genesis.
genesis?. that doesn't sound like phil collins.
this is older genesis...when peter gabriel was still leading.
oh...it's awesome.
yeah..the lamb lies down on broadway. 1975. musta listend to it a hundred thousand times and never ceases to amaze me.
i love it.
well..i'll give you a copy ...but i gotta pay genesis the fee. i always do that. i figure outta all the joy i've received from their music over the years...i owe it to them. i'm sure their management team wonders why they keep receiving cheques from the same guy for the same albums over and over again, i laughed.12

ya know....you look pretty wasted, she said with a funny kinda smile. you look like you're on more than just booze and a little smoke.
i nodded slowly
yeah, well...takes a lotta fuel to keep this body going
nice body though, she said with a wry smile as she handed me her empty glass again.
i didn't respond to that
well...when i go down..i need a little pick me up too...so yeah...i gotta few extra unnatural chemicals floatin' around in here.
got any for me?
i turned around as i was pouring her drink
paused
are you sure?
absolutely!! i wanna party today...right through the night.
rough week?
no. just in the mood. saw you from the shore and thought you were cute, lying all alone on this beautiful boat and said to myself, now...that looks like a nice guy who'd be fun to party with.
i laughed
well then...let's get this party rolling13