~~~FlashBack(s)~~~

My eyes snap open suddenly to darkness. Turning my head to the side, I glance at my alarm clock. The INDIGLO face tells me that it's only 2 am. "Aw SHIT," I whisper to myself. I roll over to face the window expecting to see the glow of the moon through the curtains. My eyes find only darkness. I HATE darkness. Darkness is when the thoughts in my head get louder. Darkness is when I remember things. Things that people have done to me. Bad things.

I remember when daddy used ta hurt me. I remember getting hit. He'd use whatever was handy at the time. A belt… a hanger (the thin metal kinds hurt the worst)... a 2x4… a rawhide bone… a crutch… anything. I remember getting thrown down the steps. I remember watching him hurt the others. Mommy… Emmy (my big sister)… Nicky (my little brother). I remember the yelling. Yelling about us playing too loud…or not cleaning right…or talking and laughing when we were sposed to be sleeping… or… anything. I remember when Nic (who dropped the 'ky' from his name when he was about 9) wouldn’t get out of bed… so daddy pulled him off of the top bunk. I don’t remember EVERYTHING. There are some things that were too bad to remember… or not bad enough. I remember being put on 'MUTE' for talking because daddy didn’t like my voice. He said I was whining… daddy didn't like whining. And I was always whining. I remember… I don’t wanna remember that… but I do. I remember when daddy tried to kill me. He pinned me to the floor and was choking me. The handprints were on my neck for a week. That was the night we all left daddy… November 12, 2000. I was 16. Emmy was 20. Nic was 14.

I remember after that. We stayed with mommy's parents... and life went on. The holidays came and went. They were fun. I tried not to show how badly I was hurting inside… I think mommy did too. After the holidays Emmy moved out on her own. That was about the time that Nic started taking daddy's place. He even got his friends to help. It was ok though; it was only against me.

That spring we moved into our own apartment. For the first time in our lives me and Nic had our own bedrooms. Well…he did. I kinda had to share one with mommy. Well… with mommy's clothes. She slept on the couch. Nic got drunk on the freedom. With nobody to give him any structure he became outta control. He stopped just taking his anger out on me. He started yelling at mommy. Swearing at her. Not listening to her. I don't think he ever laid a hand on her though… he saved it all for me. So the school year eventually ended.

I don’t remember much about that summer. It came and went. I was excited when school started again. For the about the first month I was doing great in school. Skip to my 17th birthday… September 11, 2001. I remember it was second period… math. I used to love math…