Mary

Chapter one

 

I can hear the wail of the storm winds brewing. The sky is such a gray and black color that it would make a black hole seem bright. All the farmer’s sons and daughters have been brought inside to this very room. Here I am sitting writing this to you, not knowing if this will be the last thing I write. It has been a very long and treacherous hurricane season out here in Myakka. It seems everyone is fretting about, and moving to higher land, as if they were going to drown to death. That isn’t my problem, I am fearing the roof or the house come caving in. This house here is a mighty old one. It has been here long passed the passing of my forefathers. Some say it is an Indian’s home, some say its haunted. I don’t know, and truly I would rather not know if it was haunted or something.

All the little ones are crowded around me here in our storm bunker. Richard, my husband, just went to go get some supplies. He said he would be back in a minute, and yet it has been over ten minutes. Right now, I am not in a clear state of mind, so perhaps it has only been ten seconds. I don’t know.

Tally is just the most fear-filled than all of them. She may have a good ten years under her belt, but she is acting as if she only had three. Tally is the most beautiful little munchkin I ever laid my eyes on. Yes, most mothers say this about their sons or daughters, but honey, I’m no a liar. She has the prettiest straw colored hair. You should see it as it glows about in the sun during early May. She may be skinny like me, but she has the strength of a hundred horses. She helps her daddy out there in the crops and with the livestock everyday from dawn to dusk.

Then there is Cameron, about the complete opposite. He may be brave but when it comes to brawn he got the short end of the stick. His little sister, Tally, can beat him at hog tying, bull roping, and even herding. Richard always claims that he is a mama’s boy, but he is getting to girlish even for me.

Richard came running in, all out of breath, as if he were going to die. When he came in, it seemed as if he had to muster up all of his strength just to close the door.

“Hun, I have them, why must you put the candles all up in the top cup board, you know I never look there! How’s Tally, is she going to make it, or have a nervous break down?” He asked with short breaths, knowing not to scare us.

“Oh, she will be fine honey, don’t worry about it. She has gone through a lot of them, she just isn’t used to it, just give her time.” I answered. It always seems as if he is more worried about her, than anything else. Yes, I know she is the youngest, but he never notices poor old, Cameron, in the corner cowering in fear also.

Since the power is out, the candles create such a dim light, it is really hard to write by. I don’t know why I keep writing though. I know I should be helping my kids out, but something is telling me to keep writing.

 

Chapter two

Tally has calmed down a little bit, but she is still a little fretful. I feel so sorry for the little thing. Cameron is trying his best to be the big brother and help her out a little bit, but I can tell it’s hard for him to act so tough. Cameron goes through so much for his little sister. He has fought off big bullies wanting her lunch money, killed bugs, and even helped her try to rope her first bull. Of course, she was doing fine roping by herself, but he tried so hard we had to give him credit, too. It was funny that the first time she tried, as he was helping, the bull had ran after him, and he climbed a tree!

Richard has grown so distant from me lately. I don’t know, I mean he is physically here, but looking in his eyes, you can tell he is somewhere else. I’m wondering if it is just the weird weather or maybe something is getting to him. I hope he didn’t read what was in here about him and Tally.

 

The rain is coming down in globs now. There are no rain drops anymore, there are buckets of water. Our roof is leaking and the kids are getting a little chilly. I’m surprised one of us doesn’t have pneumonia for heavens sakes. We all bundled up in a big blanket that my grandmother had made for me. There are so many memories from this blanket, and it kept me warm even through the harshest of winter weather. Except right now it isn’t working to our advantage. Tally’s heart rate has gone down a little, not a dramatic change, but only a minor. I really hope that Richard didn’t notice because he probably would have sacrificed his life to get a doctor.

 

The winds were so strong last night that I’m surprised the house is still standing. All I could do all night was toss and turn, and I‘m sure

I awoke Richard in the process. I couldn’t get one good ounce of rest no matter how hard I tried last night. I hate hurricane season and this hurricane, hurricane LaSalle, has just been murder to us all.

I really think Tally is coming down with something, but I could just

be overreacting. I’ll bet our crops are ruined and most of our horses have beat down their stalls, and ran away. I do not want to be the one to tell Tally that her horse, Dolly, has gone missing. She loves that animal to death, and would do anything for it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if our roof is like 5 miles down the road.

The wind, every time it comes toward the house, you can feel it shake under your feet. Everyone is so scared right now. I try so hard to calm down Tally but it is a natural disaster, and I just cannot keep my composure. Every time she has a breakdown I just send her to Richard hoping that he knows how to fix it. I am in such a mess right now I am so afraid that I will scare her even more than she already is. I hope it will all be over soon, but I have a funny feeling.

A big gust of wind just slammed through the house. I keep hearing creaking as if it is going to give out from under us, but maybe we will survive. Maybe I am just flipping out, but something tells me that I am not.

The creaking has grown louder and it has started echoing. I’m so fearful for our lives. It feels like the end of the world is coming. My heart is making me sick to my stomach making me think the worst will happen tonight. The supposedly haunted house must be giving me a sixth sense, but I am in no state of mind to actually make a justified decision about that.

 

Chapter three

Chapter three

 

It is surprisingly quiet right now. I have no feeling in my left leg though. Maybe it is just still asleep. I mean I should be doing what it is doing right now, sleeping! My chest hurts every time I try to take a breath. Like a hammer is beating down on my lungs. I hope I do not have anything wrong with me, or getting what Tally might have.

Tally hasn’t been doing very good. She might be depressed, or so fearful it is making her sick. I want to care for her, but I just can’t.

She is my daughter and I am protecting her from me, by sending her with Richard in his little corner of the Storm bunker.

The feeling in my leg has came back. Yet, now it has a twinge in it, like a Charley horse, but in the whole leg. The pain is getting sharper in my left leg. Not pins and needles sharp, but as if a piercing nail went straight through it. I kind of do not want to look down at my leg, but I know have to. I hope you can make this out,

but everything is going black…

I just came to. All I can feel is my whole body aching and the kids are gone. Looking around, everyone deserted me. Oh, God I hope to death they aren’t dead. I was telling God that he can take my last breath just to keep them alive. I cannot get off of my mind of where they might I went. There are no doctors and I would be my last dollar that the storm isn’t over, I can still hear the pat of rain on the roof. The wind isn’t as strong, so maybe Richard just went to get some more supplies. But then why would he take the kids? I am in such confusion right now.

Instead of just my leg hurting, it feels as if a herd of elephants has just trampled over my body, and one is still cowering over my lungs. Maybe it is just stress. I have heard a lot of stress can make a lot of things go wrong with your body, but I have never imagined this much stress could do this much to me. I have also heard that writing helps, but right now, writing isn’t doing me any good. The only thing writing is doing is giving me a wrist cramp, and company. Yet, how do I know anyone is going to find this.

No one is still here after all of this writing. I am starting to get agitated, I mean, what have I ever done to them. I have tried to provide for them, I have tried to be a good mother. Since when is trying not good enough! This is the best I can do, ok?! No one is perfect you know, and this is proving it even more deeply. No one is a perfect mother and no one is a perfect person inside or outside.

Why is God putting all of this through my head? Why is he making me think about just this stuff? He is making me out to seem as if I

am going to die in the next couple of minutes. Oh, God I hope not!

 

Sorry, once again I passed out. I cannot grasp why I keep doing that! Maybe it is my blood pressure, because every time I get mad or sad or something I have been blacking out. I don’t know. No one is back yet, and I am starting to truly believe that they have stranded me here. I am so sad right now. I know I am not that good

of a mother, so why are you getting me like this? Do you think I am a better mother, as I am thinking about past times, and about earlier, happier, times in my life?

I opened my eyes again and there was Richard, holding my hand, and telling me everything was going to be all right. He was whispering that he loved me everything would turn out ok. I was wondering, what on earth is he talking about.

Then I noticed I was moving, and yet my legs weren’t. Then, I looked into his eyes, and they were no longer distant. They had a genuinely nervous/panicked out look in them.

I asked him what was the matter. Then it came to me,

“Did Tally’s horse escape?” I asked him.

“Sorry, honey, but no. Something worse. Something way worse”.

He kept talking in short sentences like he didn’t know how to put things in words.

All of a sudden I had run over a big bump. I was being moved by something, and I was harnessed, but what on earth is moving me? I wanted to know and I wanted to know now. Then we had traveled out of the house, I can see the sky. This was really starting to creep

me out a little bit.

“Honey, what is moving me and um, why?” I asked with a slight hesitation.

All he would say is it will be alright, it will be alright. You will make it, you will make it. He was making me really nervous now. I will make it, I will make it, I kept repeating that to myself, trying to figure it out. I was starting to pick it apart word by word, when all of a sudden I was blinded by flashing lights.

Oh my God, oh my God I am being transported into an ambulance.

 

Chapter four

As we are riding there, I cannot get off my mind, why am I in an ambulance? It seemed every time I tried to talk, the nurse would tell me to calm down, and put an oxygen mask over my face. I am really starting to get mad at her. Plus, she tried to take me from you. She tried to take my diary, my only escape. I cannot believe she touched it. It already made it bad enough, that Richard cannot be here, but he promised that he would be waiting for her at the hospital. I am about ready to punch the nurse, but I will keep my temper.

We finally arrived! Ugh, I cannot wait to get off of this crazy bed thing. No wonder they have to tie people on these, they are all violent, because it is so uncomfortable. They say oh, we will make you feel at home, yup, maybe a home made out of stone. The home is even equipped with stone beds to lye on.

 

After all of my complaining, they still wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. They made it seem as if I didn’t even say a word to them. I kept screaming at them, but they wouldn’t listen. It s amazing, no one would listen to me as a kid and now no one will listen to me now, even though I am an adult.

I think I am having a different type of out of body experience, but I am still inside me. I couldn’t hear them. They were talking, and using body language, but they weren’t saying anything.

All the darkness is slowly fading, maybe all I was doing was dreaming. I glanced across the room, and Richard was balling his eyes out. He was crying as if it was the end of the world. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was all better, but I couldn’t talk.

I got out of bed and saw him glance up at me, but he just looked through me. Its like once again he was physically here, but he mentally wasn’t. It was really making me worry. I got up and grabbed you, and hopped back into my hospital bed, and started writing this to you. I really wish life was this easy. If you mess up, you can either scribble it out, or erase it.

Richard had gotten up and was heading out of the room with his jacket. I was getting really mad. I am in the hospital and he doesn’t even say a word to me!

I followed him out and put on my jacket and went out to the car with him.

I opened the door and got in, as he did. He reacted as if he didn’t even notice me. I was really wondering what was going on. I was hoping that it was just a phase that he was going through, but something told me it wasn’t.

I tried to start a conversation, and he actually talked back.

“I am so sorry, I mean if I had protected you nothing would have happened! I hate myself for only taking care of Tally, and never paying attention to you. I am so glad I dropped Tally off at her grandmother’s house, so maybe it will get better and I can talk to you one on one for once. I hope we will all be ok.”

“It’s ok honey, I am fine, you were just trying to take care of Tally, the youngest.

“What has been wrong with you lately? You have been acting really weird.”

“I know, I know maybe it would have been better if I was the one who had that misfortune. Then maybe it would be better.”

Then before I could say anything he turned up the radio. I kept thinking about what he said. Misfortune? What misfortune? What happened? Oh, no it was probably Cameron. He felt bad that he never paid enough attention to him and now he is wishing he was the one that something happened to. Yet, what exactly happened?

 

We had finally turned on the road that went partially to our house and it was just the same. He never looked at me. He wouldn’t look at me in the eyes. He was always staring off into the distance talking to himself. It was kind of demented looking, but he is my husband and I shall love him until death do us part.

All he would talk about is a misfortune or an accident or something. When we turned down our road I knew what he meant.

As we are riding there, I cannot get off my mind, why am I in an ambulance? It seemed every time I tried to talk, the nurse would tell me to calm down, and put an oxygen mask over my face. I am really starting to get mad at her. Plus, she tried to take me from you. She tried to take my diary, my only escape. I cannot believe she touched it. It already made it bad enough, that Richard cannot be here, but he promised that he would be waiting for her at the hospital. I am about ready to punch the nurse, but I will keep my temper.

We finally arrived! Ugh, I cannot wait to get off of this crazy bed thing. No wonder they have to tie people on these, they are all violent, because it is so uncomfortable. They say oh, we will make you feel at home, yup, maybe a home made out of stone. The home is even equipped with stone beds to lye on.

 

After all of my complaining, they still wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. They made it seem as if I didn’t even say a word to them. I kept screaming at them, but they wouldn’t listen. It s amazing, no one would listen to me as a kid and now no one will listen to me now, even though I am an adult.

I think I am having a different type of out of body experience, but I am still inside me. I couldn’t hear them. They were talking, and using body language, but they weren’t saying anything.

All the darkness is slowly fading, maybe all I was doing was dreaming. I glanced across the room, and Richard was balling his eyes out. He was crying as if it was the end of the world. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was all better, but I couldn’t talk.

I got out of bed and saw him glance up at me, but he just looked through me. Its like once again he was physically here, but he mentally wasn’t. It was really making me worry. I got up and grabbed you, and hopped back into my hospital bed, and started writing this to you. I really wish life was this easy. If you mess up, you can either scribble it out, or erase it.

Richard had gotten up and was heading out of the room with his jacket. I was getting really mad. I am in the hospital and he doesn’t even say a word to me!

I followed him out and put on my jacket and went out to the car with him.

I opened the door and got in, as he did. He reacted as if he didn’t even notice me. I was really wondering what was going on. I was hoping that it was just a phase that he was going through, but something told me it wasn’t.

I tried to start a conversation, and he actually talked back.

“I am so sorry, I mean if I had protected you nothing would have happened! I hate myself for only taking care of Tally, and never paying attention to you. I am so glad I dropped Tally off at her grandmother’s house, so maybe it will get better and I can talk to you one on one for once. I hope we will all be ok.”

“It’s ok honey, I am fine, you were just trying to take care of Tally, the youngest.

“What has been wrong with you lately? You have been acting really weird.”

“I know, I know maybe it would have been better if I was the one who had that misfortune. Then maybe it would be better.”

Then before I could say anything he turned up the radio. I kept thinking about what he said. Misfortune? What misfortune? What happened? Oh, no it was probably Cameron. He felt bad that he never paid enough attention to him and now he is wishing he was the one that something happened to. Yet, what exactly happened?

 

We had finally turned on the road that went partially to our house and it was just the same. He never looked at me. He wouldn’t look at me in the eyes. He was always staring off into the distance talking to himself. It was kind of demented looking, but he is my husband and I shall love him until death do us part.

All he would talk about is a misfortune or an accident or something. When we turned down our road I knew what he meant.

Chapter five

 

My house, my beautiful house. My house! The house that has been there always and has never doubted, is ground level. It’s at ground, zero. It is leveled. There is nothing left. All there is, is a pile of wood. It looked like a plywood store!

I glanced over at Richard and he was trying hard not to swerve off the road, he was crying so deeply. I felt the pain from his heart knowing that our house is no longer. I felt so bad, I felt as if it wasn’t real. This must be a dream! I must do anything to get myself to wake up!

 

Richard had pulled up to the house, and slowly clamored out of his Jeep. He pulled himself to where I remembered the front door. I started wailing. I went to lean against his shoulder but somehow he dodged me and walked closer to the house. He climbed up to the middle of the top and was tripping and looking as if he was going to fall, but he never did. He disappeared over a pile, so I followed him.

There he stood in the middle of all of the rubble. He pulled a picture out of his wallet. He stood there trying to find the right words and said

“I didn’t want to let her go, and I still don’t, but know I have to. I still cannot grasp the fact that she is gone. I feel as if she has been walking beside me this whole time. Please, since I didn’t do a good job, take care of her, and never let her go.”

Then he laid a picture down. I was too far away to see what it was, but I was really curious. He turned and was walking away, so I crept up to the top where he was. The picture he laid down was one of me.

It all came back to me. The parts where I blacked out are now as crystal clear as the stars in the night. I was the misfortune, I was the accident, I was what he was sobbing about! I reached out to touch him, and my hand went through him. The hurricane that crushed the house, was the one that crushed me. The only thing left of me, is…you.

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