The Coming of Memories/Ch9

Ch. 9: A Single Black Rose1

I woke up early on Thursday morning. The funeral was supposed to start at four. Not too early, not too late – just smack dab in the middle of peoples' days. You don’t have enough time to go out to eat before the funeral and you don’t have enough time to go out for dinner after the funeral. Good timing, I think. I figured that today would be nice to put on some makeup. Knowing from the several times I had visited, the mall offered to do peoples' make up if they would agree to buy one item. Special discount or some kind of “transformation” price.  I decided to drive to the mall an hour before the event was to begin.2

Once inside the mall and finding someone whom I would trust to put a special mask on my face, I let the young lady transform me, as the signs guaranteed. I thought that if there was a day that I needed to look any different than the way I normally do, it was definitely today. I couldn’t imagine how many faces would be stuck on mine rather than on the preacher or Jenny herself.3

Twenty minutes later, after explaining the whole evening I’d be having to the makeup artist, she let me see my reflection. It was certainly modest, set for an evening as traumatic and depressing as mine was bound to be. Though I still looked like Jenny, the dark eyeliner and eye shadow and lipstick helped tremendously. I thanked the woman, purchased all the makeup she used and had taught me how to apply, and she graciously thanked me. I only had a half-hour to get to the funeral, but it was to be held in South Charleston, so I decided it’d be best if I didn’t hurry myself.4

I decided last night that showing up early might be a little eerie for the Nevall’s and especially for the guests. For many of them, this would be the first time they’d see me. I have prepared myself with tons of explanations. Once I arrived, I marveled at how the place was so packed. Dozens and dozens of cars lined the parking lot at the funeral home.5

The bright day seemed wry because of what I was walking towards attending. Looking at the cloudless sky for one last time before I entered the propped open double wooden doors, I smiled broadly and knew that if there was one day that the heavens would certainly open up and cry about, this was one. And the best part was that I was going to be here, actually living it.6

People were spread all around the funeral home. I saw people who were quietly weeping beside Jenny’s body, put up in a casket held up for the visitors to lean over slightly to see. I saw people sitting quietly in rows of pews already, eager to have this thing over with. I saw people standing outside in complete muteness. Jenny’s parents were in the back of the sanctuary type room, talking quietly with a few other people. I immediately spotted a special section reserved for Jenny’s family and her closest friends – who were Amanda, Holly, Savannah, Maggie, and Lindsey. Each one of their parents and family sat closely behind their child. I walked silently up to her friends, who were all present.7

When each one saw me, their eyes locked on me. I introduced myself as Emily Dawson, the soon-to-be eleventh grader at Nitro High. Each one of them stared at disbelief. I guess the makeup hadn’t had the affect that I had hoped it would have.8

They were speechless, which made perfect sense to me. I tried to appear friendly, but knew that each of them was filled with bitterness. I could feel it. I didn’t want to seem too happy about the occasion at hand. When it was about ten after four, people started settling down for the “ceremony” to begin. I felt very, very saddened by the entire sermon by the preacher.9

The preacher talked about heaven, and how it was not known if Jenny was there or not. I felt like standing and shouting what I knew was true. But still thinking of her parents, friends, and other semi-close relatives, I held my tongue. The preacher talked about how it was said she was one of the sweetest, argued to be the quietest, and most caring people that the entire group had met. And she held a special place in each of their hearts. Very touching. And although I knew that I was supposed to be upset, I was not.10

Once the ceremony was over, many people approached me with the idea that I had not been invited. Many of them were people from Jenny’s church. Each time, when an elderly lady or gentlemen asked me, “What are you doing here?”11

I would say, “I have visitation rights.” Smile at them, and smirk after their eyes widened and they turned to walk away. I had no toleration for these hypocrites, for which I knew they were. I could feel that it upset Jenny that these people pretended to care. She knew – just as I did – that they were not there to say their last good-byes to her, but rather to appear more godly and worthwhile.12

Once everyone was back outside, her friends finally confronted me. I knew they would; their eyes were much too curious to just let it go. “How did you know Jenny, again?” Maggie, Jenny’s friend from Ashland, Kentucky, was the first to ask what would seem like a million questions.13

“School.” I said. Lindsey replied with something that caught me a little off guard.14

“I thought you said you had just enrolled to go to Nitro.” Which, I had said that.15

“Yes, well, I came to visit the school once.” I stated, thinking there would be no other reasonable explanation. Lindsey’s eyes, like the rest of Jenny’s friends, were blotchy and red and seemed to be painful. “She offered to give me a tour around the place.” I smiled at each of them. “I didn’t know her for long, at all. But I knew that something was right in her life.” I stopped to see their reactions.16

“She mentioned you once, I think.” Maggie spoke first. I smiled. Of course she had not.17

“I wasn’t sure how to ask her if it’d be okay if we talked again, so I became somewhat of a stalker.” I cast a crooked grin, completely innocent in its intentions.18

They each had a little giggle for this, but they did not forget that their best friend was now dead.19

“I can’t figure out how she died on Saturday, and yet I talked to her on Sunday!” They each seemed to say in their own way before the conversation dropped between us. Of course, in some cases, the day was changed.20

“You look just like her.” They all had stated more than once. We had been talking for a solid hour now, and I was beginning to feel a little anxious to stop asking questions.21

“I know.” I smiled. “You wouldn’t have believed her reaction to me when she first saw me. Something of a miracle, how much we look alike, I’d guess.”22

Before each of them left, I told them that in the time I had been around Jenny I had gained so much information about her that it seemed unfathomable. I asked them to each please call me if they felt like her death was getting the best of them. They each took my phone number without questions.23

I walked slowly up to Sam and her sister, Lyndsey, a minute later. Sam greeted me and then told me her accomplishments. “I called so many people last night! I figured I’d rather tell the people that Jenny didn’t like too well over the phone, so that I didn’t have to deal with their wrath personally. But I’m going to tell a few of the guys that she really adored in person. I thought it’d be better that way.” She kept telling me of her plans about Jenny’s diary.24

I wanted to pat her on the head, but realized it might seem inappropriate at the time. Lyndsey seemed quite taken with me by the time we stopped talking, and as I was walking away from them, I heard Lyndsey say, “She has got to be Jenny’s long-lost twin!”25

I smiled amidst myself. Looking around to spot any unnoticed people who had came in later than I had, I spotted Aiden. I quickly came up to him.26

“I thought I told you, Emily.” He looked sternly down at me.27

“I know what you told me, but you must have some feelings about this.” I tried to soften my face and expression.28

“Before I leave, every person who wants to know how they have talked to Jenny Nevall or even been with Jenny Nevall since her accident will know what I know.” Aiden looked around, looking for his next receiver of truth.29

“Have you told anyone about this? About me?” I asked him with tears suddenly flooding my eyes. It looked for a moment as though he were about to pity me.30

But no such thing happened. “I have not. But I will.” And with that, Aiden turned and walked away from me. Looking, once again, for someone to talk to, I eventually chatted a little with every person – purposely omitting the attendees of her church.31

Once the funeral was over, which the burial was reserved only for those who felt the need to go, I followed the funeral procession towards the top of what seemed to be a very large mountain about ten minutes from the funeral home; the burial processing beginning in about thirty minutes. I reasoned with myself that they allowed this much time to get to the top of the mountain because some people would be emotionally outraged by now.32

Once on top of the mountain, and once we had all parked, the burial process began. This was the part where the first truly amazing things happened.33

Each person laid a rose atop of her coffin before it was placed underground. Jenny had adored red roses, which was the flower being used here today. I knew she was smiling at the number of people who had gathered here today. Even I was amazed. Amidst them were old loves, old friends, new friends, and people who Jenny might’ve wished she had known. Out of everyone I could seem to think of, Brittney was the only friend of Jenny’s who had not attended. However, I knew why she had not.34

I was given the power and strength, for those last few minutes, to hear what every person present was thinking. The thing being thought the most was, “I am not going to cry. I refuse to cry.”35

The fact brought me to tears. People still could only think of not crying – of themselves – and not think for a moment about what had happened in their lives. Even though they had probably dealt with that before this funeral, and even though that was the very reason they would start crying, it was a funeral. What better to do at a funeral than cry? Show your true feelings; this was what Jenny was thinking at the moment, I could tell.36

This was not the thought running through Aiden Marshall’s mind. He had no tears left in his system, he reasoned to himself. “I don’t understand, God.” His conscience strangled with different thoughts.37

Many people started filing down the mountain immediately after bidding the Nevall’s good-bye. Many people stayed quite later than that. Her close friends and family couldn’t seem to leave. Aiden Marshall and his family stayed even after Jenny’s best friends had decided they’d taken enough for one day. I stared at him from beneath a tree close by, wondering why he had not left.38

The shade felt nice, and there was a breeze drifting by now. I knew that meant hope. Jenny wanted the last few people here to have hope near their hearts – always. Aiden walked towards me a little after that breeze had dispensed, and sat silently beside me. I let him sit for a while before turning to see his face. Tears streamed down his face unlike any man I had ever seen.39

“It’ll be okay.” I took Aiden in my arms and tried more lines to calm his soul. I could feel by his touch that he was feeling outrageously hopeless.40

“I hadn’t cried about her before now.” He said, once he regained composure.41

We sat beneath that tree and talked about her for a very long time. It felt very nice, and even though I still knew that Aiden wasn’t the one who truly needed it, I couldn’t help but offer him some comfort. I was going to be around him for another two years at school. He might as well get used to seeing me around.42

“I’m going to go.” He said very suddenly, apologized for his behavior, turned, and walked to his family’s car. I watched the car drive down the hill. The breeze picked up again. The smell of the breeze was fresh and crisp, almost as if we were standing directly beside a beach on a cool summer’s evening, watching the sun set. 43

Once everyone else had left, which it took a very long time for the Nevall’s to leave, I stayed by her grave. I smiled down at her occupied grave. I knew what had happened to her. I was not happy with it, and I wasn’t sure how I’d figure out whom it was that she needed or who needed her. We were in this boat together; her and I. We were in for this very long ride.44

I looked around the nearby tree to find the gift that I had brought for this occasion. 45

A single black rose. The rarest of its kind. I gently placed it atop of the rest of red roses, and I knew that the meaning behind the single black rose was greater than more than a dozen red ones. The black rose stands for death. Death, and in heaven, Jenny recognized the gesture, and her tears began to fill the clouds, turning them a depressing shade of grey. 46

She was buried around five-thirty, the Nevall’s left at around six-thirty, and I was there until nine-thirty. Many people called me who had received my phone number from the funeral that afternoon. They wanted me to tell them that things weren’t going to end just because one of their best friends had been taken away from them. Each time, I would reply with something like this.47

“I know it feels as though she’s been snatched away from you, and in a big way, she really has. But it’s so much more than that. Even I don’t know why she was taken from Earth at this time in her life, but I know that God does. Remember that, and you will eventually find peace. And remember that this pain will not haunt you and your nights forever.”48

They would always thank me and ask how I became so wise. I chuckled at the thought. If only they knew the half of it.49

Around nine-thirty, I climbed back in my car that I had to move quite frequently today for people to have room to drive down the mountain. Once I had gotten back to my little spot outside of Charleston, I was completely exhausted. Mentally and physically.50

I thought about the people who had showed up. It surprised me that Brittney had not, yet I knew her reason. People didn’t understand Brittney the way that Jenny had. I knew, from Jenny’s mind, that Brittney would not have behaved appropriately today. She would have laughed during the sermon; she would have talked loudly through the burial. I still thought it would have been nice for her to show up and try to calm down.51

But, I knew that Jenny’s way was the best way for me to go right now. I began thinking some more about what I could accomplish for her.52

Once I was very lost in my thoughts, I grabbed my cell phone after it rang once. I stared at the caller ID.53

“Hi.” I answered.54

“It’s not fair,” the voice mouthed heavily, “you sound just like her.”55

“Sorry.” I said indifferently.56

“So am I.”57

“I’d like to know what for.” I was now curious.58

“For what happened… with Jenny.”59

I remained silent for a long time, hoping the voice on the other end of the phone would understand my confusion.60

“I know why she was in the accident.” The voice sounded slowly.61

I tried to keep myself from snickering. “Tell me, will you?”62

“She was suicidal.” The voice stated.63

“Do you know why?” I said through a grinning mouth.64

“Yes.”65

“Will you tell me that, too?” I could barely contain my laughter now.66

“Because of something I did.”67

“What did you do?”68

“I guess you could say that I didn’t do something.”69

At this, I busted out with laughter.70

“I’m glad someone finds this funny.” The voice sneered.71

“I do not find the situation funny, just the fact that you think you are the reason she was in an accident.” I proclaimed.72

“It was not an accident.”73

“Then, what was it?” I pleaded to know.74

“She was upset about something that day.” The voice stated.75

“What happened?”  I tried to sound interested.76

“I guess I let her down.”77

“How would you have done that?”78

“Well, she wanted me to go with her somewhere.” The voice was unsteady. “I remember our conversation perfectly. I turned her down, flat.”79

“It wasn’t your fault she was in an accident.” I tried to reassure the voice.80

“I guess you’d say that if you didn’t know what I had promised her.” The shaky voice said.81

“What had you promised her?” I asked, now curious.82

“Just one movie.” Aiden stated.83

I hung up with him hours later, after telling him what I knew about her feelings that day. And I mentioned to him that she knew he wasn’t ever going to take her out on that date he had promised. But that wasn’t something that made her very sad. He said that it had made him feel upset that he couldn’t carry out the one thing he had promised her.84

I smiled at the thought of someone who would actually carry out his or her promises. Even though I still knew I had to stay away from Aiden, he was grieving, and no one knew Jenny better than I did.85

“Oh, what is to become of me?” I asked myself aloud right before dozing off with the cell phone still in my palm.86

At five in the morning, the cell phone rang. I answered it, very sleepily, and found that it was Brittney.87

“Who is this?” Brittney asked after I answered the phone.88

“I thought you’d know, since you called here.” I replied grouchily.89

“I just got a call from Aiden Marshall. I don’t know how he got my phone number. He wouldn’t say anything except that I needed to call this number.” Brittney sounded frustrated. “What is going on? He told me it was about Jenny.”90

“Do you know what happened to Jenny?” I asked her slowly.91

“No.”92

“Jenny is dead. She died on Saturday in a car accident. I’m sorry. Did Aiden say why he wanted you to call me?” I said quickly. It took Brittney at least twenty seconds to process this information.93

“He said that you were her, kind of.” She stated. I smiled.94

“I just pretended to be, when I took you to the library and saw you at school these past few days.” I said.95

Spending a lot more time explaining to Brittney why I did the things I did and asking her why she didn’t come to the funeral – and then reminding her that she should try and trust me, we eventually introduced ourselves. Brittney cried over the phone for a long time. I prayed with her, asking for comfort and God’s grace. When we hung up, it was six-thirty in the morning. I immediately called Aiden back.96

“Thanks for scheduling my new client for five in the morning.”97

“What client?” He asked confusedly.98

“Apparently I’m a psychologist now, according to Brittney.”99