My Mind Away From Me Pt. 1

I could go on forever in a endless loop of all the shit rampaging through my mind. But i'll spare you all the long story for now. I'll stick to whats now.1

To say distraught, or depressed would be what the feeble mask I put up to survive outside.I miss her more than I can bear and love her more than life itself, especially now. It's not fair, its a fucking cruel joke and i hate whoever wrote that part of my fate for it. If it's me then well, just another thing to hate myself for. To come so close as to almost see her with a ring and smile and then learn the truth. God, idk what im doing, what i am, where i am going in life. My life is a huge fucking chaotic mess to the next.But, i have to move on, or something has to happen. I can't keep sitting here day after day, hoping blindly for her. I need a new reason to breath, to draw, to live again. I am always going to love her to some extent, but i can't keep puttin so much of myself in this and not feel much in return. I am not blaming her, her life is much worse off then mine and as the responsible person i must be, i can't presure her or burden her with my problems.2

On the brighter side of hell, hearing her voice last night made me feel alive, even if it was for the breifest momment. Such small things i took for granted, such blessing from an angel i thought i was always gonna have by my side. Must be strong, for myself now. I need out of this place, i need to meet new people.Before i lose my humanity to the beast that rages within. Its just beneath the skin, manifesting in the way i talk, in how i respond to the world, twisting my thoughts to darker realities.3

It would be so easy to let go, to just let go of my humanity, be the beast and tear down all the things and people that makes me feel. What i would give to be pure instinct right now. To not be a feeling creature. It's part of the reason i suffer, bcuz i know i could survive that way, but some ppl mean alot to me. And i dont want them to see me become the hate and rage and malice inside of me. To let it take over and fill my blood with its poisens.4

Whatever is to happen, will. I will be what I will. But no matter what happens to me, I will always love you, my princess of the stars, my queen of the moon and dominatrix of my bleeding heart.I can only pray you come out stronger because of whats happening to you.Although you've never been the same, i tried to make you strong, but i can't help you from 2,800 some miles away. When you get your life back in order, let me know so i can hope that theres a trail somewhere in this hellish landscape ive created to the green, glorious forests and fields of heaven.5

Well i can't say i feel better, but i do have a lil cleaner mindframe to work with. Take care all and i hope my lil quote of insanity didn't scare you too much.later6