The Meeting

Well today i went and meet my Aturny. I didnt want to but i had to get it over with so i walked in and started cryen. They asked me what i was thinking and the first time they asked i told them that i didnt want to be here. She told me that my feelings were normal that my age doesnt effect the way I feel. That none of this is my fualt and I just looked at here and started cryen more and she asked what I was thining again and I told how there makeing a bigger deal out of this then what it really is and how this is partly my fualt because me and chris knew what we were getting are selfs into we werent stupid it was just we didnt care because we were in love. I told not to tell me that nothing was my fualt that I didnt care how old I was or how old he was. We talked about the night and I told her that I said no but it wasnt a get the fuck off now no it was a I'm shy kinda no. Then I told her that if I really wanted him off all I would have to say is NO! really loud or call chelsea that was right next to me. i had my ways out I just didnt choose them. She told me that she meets with him on May 15 and his Aturny. She's going to tell him that she'll give him 1 year in jail and 3 years probation. If he doesnt exceot it I have to go to court the next day and see him which is the worst part. i havent seen or spoken to him in 3months now. If he excepts which if I know him as good as I think I do then he will. I dont have to go to court and everything will be dropped meaning NO more cards on my door, NO more takeing my out of class to talk to stupid cops and ditectives. They kept asking me what I was thinking. I just cant take all this. How would you feel if your first love was tooken away from you and it was all your fualt. You didnt mean it to happen this way it just did you werent thinking. How would you feel if you had your best guy friend in the world that you knew for ever and the people serounding you tellen you that no means no and that he raped you that he is stupid and alot of other shit everyday. When you think its all gone it just keeps comeing back to haunt you just to remind you how it was when you were with him. It because there were som many things left unsaid and undone. but there isnt anything I can do about that except waite tell im 18 if I want to talk to him then. I remeber him tellen me something really importent. he told one time when he found out that I cut that if I was going to do it do it for something that I did not what others did but what I did. I did this Its my fualt that im were im at today. He did make it a good piont though. Do I want to die. Onestly there are times I think I cant handles this life of mine Because for some reason its always one thing after another after another. But then I think of the poeple that would be hurt then I think about why I'm here. To me everyhting that happenes in life happens for a reason. I use to be a cutter I use to think about suicide all the time, But it wasnt getting me no were it was just makeing people scared of me and my mom make me see a counciler. I cry myself to sleep beacuse theres nothing else i can do with the pain. To think I had friends that cared and understood me. I was wrong. i dont likeing hearing the truth of things. The next person that tells me that chris raped me can just go to hell cuz those are the people makeing my life hell. You werent there that night your not me and and also you werent in my head. So fuck you guys that think you know cuz really you dont knwo shit. 1