How Do You Say Goodbye?

Abby woke to the sound of the dustbin men outside. That meant it was Friday, she vaguely remembered putting the bins out the night before but she wouldn't truly remember until she had some breakfast or at least a cup of coffee. She tried to open her eyes to see the time and saw vague figures of the number six and three. Her eyes were still asleep and couldn't quite tell. She decided it must be six thirty and thought it was too early to get up so she would put up with the noise of the garbage van for five minutes and then drift back to sleep afterward. She could probably get a couple more hours before her daughter woke up and then she never knew how that was going to play out. With a three-year-old daughter it was hard to say how each day would start. Some mornings she would climb into bed with her mom and dad and others she would wake up at six o'clock in the morning and start playing with her dolls. Of course, the master bedroom was next to her room and you could hear her talking with them like they were her best friends. Her vocabulary still wasn't that extensive, so it was fun to try and figure out what she was actually saying.

The only sure thing for Abby this morning was that her husband, Mark, was not here waking up next to her. Mark had been around his friend's house the night before, and had one too many drinks. He wasn't in any condition to be driving and decided to come back this morning instead of risking an accident. He had told Abby his plans the night before:

'I'll just grab a coffee, bit of breakfast, have a quick make-out... maybe more, if there is time... with my wife, have a cuddle from my beautiful daughter and then I'll have to be off to work.' When he said that Abby truly knew that he had drunk more than a couple of drinks. He was never that open when friends were around. She didn't mind though, it meant it was left for when they were alone. That's when he didn't feel so self-conscious about being romantic with her, and would relax and be himself.

By the time Abby had made breakfast, the morning had turned out to be pretty normal. She had gotten up around eight thirty and then woke Katie up at nine o'clock. She had promised to take Katie out to the park. As much as she liked going out with Katie, she wanted to be back early as she had things to do around the house. While planning her day, in the back of her mind she was also counting down the minutes until Mark would get home and she could be held close in his arms while being kissed.

Katie, who was obviously excited about going to the park, sat at the table making the usual mess; there was more milk on the table than in her bowl and there were a couple of cornflakes stuck to her cheek. Thankfully though she was still enjoying the small amount of food that actually made it into her mouth and down into her stomach.

Abby's day was going smoothly; when the doorbell rang it didn't even occur to her that anything would be wrong; she figured it was the postman with a parcel. If so, it would probably be from Mark's sister. She was always buying little things for her niece, reminding Mark and Abby they were struggling with money.

"Hello," she said with a puzzled tone when she answered the door.

"Mrs Martin?" a man with a deep, serious voice and look asked. A thought went through Abby's head about this unknown man who stood at her door, and then she remembered she was married, and the thought disappeared as quickly as it came.

"Yes," she answered.

"My name is Constable Garner, I'm afraid I have some bad news." Abby's heart stopped beating for a split second, but then she thought to herself, I'm over-reacting, how bad can it be?

"...bad news?" Abby asked.

"I'm afraid to have to tell you, that your husband, Mark, died in a car accident about half-an-hour ago." The Constable looked at her as if he was waiting for some kind of reply, but what was she supposed to say, so when she remained silent the Constable continued "Mrs. Martin, I'm sorry for your loss." Again, Abby didn't know what it was she was supposed to say...

"Okay... thank you." What an idiotic thing to say, 'Thank you', it was the only response that came into her head. She couldn't think, could barely breath and her legs were getting weaker by the second.

"Unfortunately I have to ask you to come down to the morgue and officially identify your husband before his body..." At the sound of the word 'body' Abby's knees buckled and she collapsed into the Constable arms. From that point on the only thing she heard, was Katie.

"What's wrong Mommy?"
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A week later

The house hadn't been this busy since the first week of Katie's life. All her grandparents had come to town and stayed at the house. Every morning when Abby had risen and entered the kitchen to have breakfast it was like a circus. There had been at least five people in the room at one time and the kitchen wasn't that big. Since they weren't big cookers they didn't see the sense in having a large kitchen.

On more than one morning she turned around as soon as she entered the room. Mark, however, took hold of her wrist and pulled her down onto his lap. 'Morning Mommy' would be the words he would whisper in her ear and she would forget all about the fact that the room was packed and would enjoy her breakfast along with her extended family. She would remind herself that in a few days normality would resume and she would be able to get on with her life as a new mom and she would be able to take care of her child without her own mom taking over.

But this morning when she entered the kitchen it was not the same. Yes, there were the same number of people as the morning she remembered, but the atmosphere was the exact opposite. Instead of discussion there was silence. The only noise that you could hear was the scraping of the spoons on the breakfast dishes as Abby's in-laws struggled to eat their food. Her parents were helping to wash up the used dishes once they were done.

When everyone noticed that Abby had entered the room they stopped and looked up. Karen, Mark's mom, moved toward her seeing the tears already welling in her eyes. Abby didn't want to be held though. She put her hands up to stop Karen coming closer.

"Don't... I won't make it through if you do." She turned to leave as the pang of her heartache once again struck a blow when she yet again remembered that Mark wasn't there to stop her leaving. In order to save breaking down in front of everyone, Abby decided to have a shower and change into her clothes for the funeral later that morning.

By the time Abby made it up the staircase, Katie was getting out of bed. Abby decided to take Katie into the bathroom and wash her before having her own shower.

"Mommy you're hurting me." Katie said when her mom was washing her just a little too roughly.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." She realized that she had once again drifted off into remembrance and had been washing the same part of Katie's arm for the last two minutes. "I'm not thinking straight today."

Still whining a bit at the fact that her mom was continuing to wash her all Katie wanted was her daddy. She hadn't seen him for about a week and she missed him.

"Where's Daddy?" she asked. Abby had tried to explain a number of times as had Katie's grandparents but she didn't understand that he had gone to heaven and that he wouldn't ever be coming back.

"He's... gone to heaven, baby... he won't be coming back."

"Why not?" she continued to ask, trying to find out why he wasn't coming back.

"Because... I don't know why, Katie. He's just gone, gone to a better place than here." It was getting tough for Abby to explain to her as she could feel the tears welling up even more in her eyes.

"Okay," Katie said. It was like this beautiful child who stood in front of her understood that her mom could take no more questions today. So instead she started to play with the doll she had taken into the bathroom with her. Abby knew she had gotten that quality from her father.

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As the funeral procession pulled into the grounds of the churchyard Abby felt the butterflies in her stomach multiply and start to feel like they were giant moths flying around in there. She wondered to herself if she would be able to get through this.

Mark had always been the person she turned to. Even if the two of them had been arguing she would go to him and while resolving her own issues, they would reconcile those "moments of madness" as they would call them. Her only problem now was that he wasn't here. He wasn't able to hold her and get her through this. The reason she felt so weak was because he wasn't here and it scared her. She wasn't sure she could get through this day let alone the rest of her life.

As she stepped out of the limousine she had travelled in, the sight took her breath away. The number of people who had turned up was astonishing. There were relatives from both sides of their family, not to mention all of Mark's friends. They had come to say goodbye as well as to support Abby through this time of need.

One thing that Abby noticed and didn't like was the sea of black that stood in front of her as they entered the church. Mark was always a bubbly person and didn't like things to be down-hearted. He would have wanted this to be a celebration of his life not something that would have his family and friends upset.

After discussing it with Mark's parents Abby had decided that the funeral would not be completely traditional. There would be some hymns but Abby wanted to respect Mark's wishes and let people celebrate his life by letting everyone tell their stories.

As Abby entered the church behind the coffin her eyes finally gave in to the strength of her tears. They had welled up over the course of the morning and she just couldn't hold them in anymore.

When Mark's coffin reached its destination she found her seat but she couldn't bring herself to sit. She kept hoping that this was some hideous nightmare, something she could wake up from and then find Mark by her side in their bed.

After a minute of seeing her standing there, staring at the coffin that held his son, Roy walked forward and put his arm around Abby's shoulders. She jumped a little as she felt his hand on her shoulder. It was meant as a gentle nudge for her to take a seat but more as a comfort and a support for his daughter in law.

Over the last few years he had grown fond of Abby and had come to love her as his own, as his daughter. Not just his son's wife. He couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. She had almost gone catatonic when they had reached the front of the church. It was like she didn't know what to do; she couldn't get through this without support.

As Abby took her seat, Father Mulcahy started the service and spoke a little about Mark and his accomplishments. He didn't speak for long knowing the order of the service.

"Now, if everyone would turn to hymn number one hundred and twenty eight - "All Things Bright and Beautiful."

Not being able to sound her voice, Abby stood there once again looking at the coffin that held her loved-one. She didn't want to remember this so she thought on happier times - or more precisely the beginning of those happier times.

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Abby fought the fact that she was being dragged out by her friends to this party. From the moment they brought the subject up to the moment they stepped out of the taxi. She hated parties. She never knew anyone and her friends always deserted her as soon as they had found a cute guy to spend the rest of the evening with. That usually meant that she would be left holding the bags and being the 'sober sister' so that she could get the girls home if they looked like they were about to do something they would regret later.

She would much rather be back home with a DVD or a good book and if she wanted to go out, she could head down to the coffee shop at the end of the road.

Instead though she found herself entering a stranger's house and dreading what was to come. When she walked through the door, however, she admitted to herself that she would at least have a bit of eye candy when she was sat to one side. Her eyes had immediately landed on the guy who was exiting the kitchen area with a beer in his hand. In fact her eyes didn't leave him at all as her eyesight followed him into the next room.

That was of course until three tanned, very slim women, one blonde and two brunettes, moved straight to him as soon as they saw him.

"Well isn't that a little gutting!" Abby mumbled under her breath as she moved into the room and followed her friends to the makeshift bar that had been placed in the room.

An hour later and at least three circuits round the room Abby's reservations about the night out had already started to transpire as three out of her four friends had partnered up with some guys from the party and her fourth friend was about to desert her as well. She knew she had to prepare herself for a long night.

That was, however, until a glass of red wine was offered to her. Her words of rejection were on the tip of her tongue when she looked up and locked eyes with the very cute guy she had seen earlier.

"You looked lonely, but I can go if you want me to?" he said.

When she looked into his eyes she didn't see the usual vacant look in his eyes like most of the guys wore.

"Please, stay," she said as she took the glass of wine. She wasn't much of a drinker but she didn't mind an occasional glass of red wine. She liked the fruity base to it. "It would be nice to have some company for a change."

"Oh, please, I'm sure a beautiful girl like yourself is constantly fighting off guys who want to take you out." Aside from the complete cliché he used she was attracted to him just from the use of the word 'beautiful'. No one had ever called her that before. She had been called sexy before, cute even, but never beautiful. But part of her wondered if it was just a line, or whether he truly meant it... though she was going to find out.

"I bet you say that to all the women."

"Can't say that I do, I don't like to be dishonest to people. Even if I have only just met them, I like to tell them the truth." To Abby that was something, but she still couldn't be sure if he truly meant it. She trusted his eyes but she had been tricked by people like that before and she didn't want it to happen again. Reading her thoughts he questioned her. "You don't believe me?"

"I want to but... I've been caught out before by honest eyes and fancy comments. I don't want to be deceived again. I don't think it's fair." Something inside her made her tell him this truth, even if he felt it was too much information. She didn't even know what made her say it, but she did.

"Well, I have to say I know that feeling. I don't think there are many people in the world who don't." She realized that he was right. Unfortunately, her heart tended to rule her mind sometimes, even when there is a more logical explanation.

"So what makes you different from the rest?" she quizzed him.

"Like I said, I'm an honest person." Studying her face, he added, "If you want I'll prove it to you."

"And how would you do that," she said going with the flow.

"By taking you out for dinner tomorrow night, you could even call it a date, if you like." It wasn't a question he posed to her, it was a statement. Tomorrow night they would go out on a date. She didn't want to seem like a complete pushover so she played a little with his mind.

"Only on one condition..." She could already see his mind spinning.

"And that condition would be?" he asked.

Abby leaned in close to his ear. "You tell me your name."

He chuckled. He couldn't believe he hadn't told her his name.

"Sorry, I've been rude; it's Mark, and yours, since I didn't ask?"

"Abby."

"Abby, that's a beautiful name." Abby blushed. She couldn't wait until tomorrow night.

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Abby had gone the entire service thinking of that memory. She hadn't heard a single thing that had been said. She felt bad that she had not listened to any of the stories. She hoped maybe a few would be repeated at the wake that was happening later.

Abby followed the coffin out of the church and onto the grounds of the graveyard. Mark and Abby had only ever discussed the topic once in the time they had known each other but she remembered that he had wanted to be buried and not cremated. She continued to follow the coffin down the path to where Mark would be buried. Just the thought scared her and so, again, she thought of better times. Like their first date.

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The night following the party they went out for a dinner. He had picked her up from her house and driven them to the restaurant. When they were leaving the restaurant that night there was a market stand still open selling roses. Mark led Abby over and he brought her a single white rose.

"The red ones are so cliché" he joked. "Everyone gives them, the white rose shows the person cares." That comment made Abby's mind start working overtime wondering if that meant that Mark cared about her. She couldn't see how, he had only just met her. But then she wasn't one to talk. She was already caring about Mark, even after knowing him only a day.

She returned his gift by kissing his cheek and as she backed away their lips brushed against one another and the thank you turned into a passionate kiss.

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That night Mark had stolen Abby's heart. On the night Mark proposed he had revealed that it was Abby who had done the stealing. 'I saw you as you entered the house that night. You took my breath away. I only took so long to speak to you that night because I wanted to play it cool.'

Sadly, here and now Abby had to say goodbye to her lover, her husband, the one true love she had ever known in her life. She smelt the fragrance that radiated from the rose she held. She kissed the petals and then threw the rose down onto the coffin as it was lowered into the ground.

Once more her knees were weak. If it wasn't for the fact that her father was holding her she would have collapsed to the floor as she did when she was told about Mark's death. But her father stood by and held her in his arms as she said her farewells.

"Look out for us both, my love."