Alabaster Shame

November 19,1972                    1

                                                                                                                                                      Bronx, New York2

  3

   A fairy tale romance!  I met the man of my dreams in the year of nineteen hundred fifty-five, had a family with five children. A perfect life.4

   What more could I want? All was so perfect, until the winter of nieteen hundred and senty-two. My husband seemed to get ill quiet often that season.5

   Doctors became concerned as his condition worsened. They ran extensive tests to find out what was wrong.6

   When they called us to the office that afternoon, the news they gave us was beyond anything we had imagined.7

   I'm sorry to tell you this, they said, at least I think those were the words. All seemed a blur now.8

   Your husband has lung cancer. I'm sorry, but usually a patient lives about 6 months after diagnoses.9

   We will insure he is as comfortable as possible. My hands white from gripping them so tightly.10

   What will we do? I love him so much. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Tears begin to flow.11

   My husband sat through the visit not one word. He had become so weak he seemed incoherent.12

   Somehow, I dragged the two of us home. I called our families which was so hard to do. All offered to help as much as they could.13

   But in the back of my mind I knew I'd soon be a widow with children. I'd have to find a job, arrange care for our children and my husband.14

   I was lucky, I found a job easily enough. I felt so tired. Each night I came home fed the family, did the chores, made sure my husband was comfortable.15

   If I finished early, I would lay beside him and go through our memories. He didn't talk much anymore, but I swore I saw his eyes light up from the memories.16

   The days went to fast. He got worse and had to be placed back into the hospital. It was only a matter of days, before he passed.17

   The days that followed were all a blur. I managed to get through them somehow.18

   I went back to work soon after. Spring was approaching. I used to love it. Not sure if I'll love anything again.19

   I started walking home from work, passing the little shop windows. Daydreaming was my way to escape reality for a few moments.20

   One day a small white alabaster jar caught my eye. It had been so long since I had wanted for anything.21

   Money was tight and times hard. I admired it, yet I passed on by.22

   A week later I saw it was still there and a sign was posted there. It said upon it, it was the jar that held the perfumed oil that was poured on Jesus.23

   Thinking to myself how wonderful that would be to own, but I couldn't. 24

   Money was hard to come by and to buy something so frivolous,, with money that could be used for far better things would be a shame.25

   The rainy season came and I started riding the bus again forgetting about the alabaster jar.26

   My kids seemed to grow fast and needed new shoes again. So I went shopping.27

   There it was again. I couldn't pass by this time without at least going in and touching it.28

   I ask the clerk to see it.  It was so smooth and when I held it to my nose I could smell a fragrance. I wondered to myself could the sign be telling the truth?29

   I asked the clerk what was the price. Gasping at the cost. I handed it back. "I'm sorry," I said, "I cannot afford such a treasure."30

   He said to me, " I'll take two dollars down and hold it for you.31

  You can pay two dollars a week till it is paid in full." I thought to myself, I really wanted it. 32

  I had worked hard and not taken anything for myself. It seemed to control me, I felt I had to have this alabaster jar. Almost felt as if it had some magical powers.33

  I worked hard and in a matters of weeks paid for it in full. I was so proud to bring it home.34

  I told my children how it was a one of a kind  rare alabaster jar that once bathed Jesus in perfumed oils.35

  It was carved of precious alabaster stone. We placed it on the mantle and I smiled for the first time in months, as I admired it.36

  I watched as my children grew up quickly,  one by one. Myself, I grew older, turning gray and wiser.37

  I'd finally found there was more to life after my husband passed. At the time I was angry and full of resentment.38

  No more. I have grandchildren to look forward too now. Just then my eye caught glimpse of the alabaster jar on the mantle. I was still awed by it!39

  I went shopping that afternoon. It had been awhile. I passed that window of that store again. Inside there stood an alabaster jar, just like mine.40

  The sign was there, too. It said it was believed to be the alabaster jar that held the perfume oil that Jesus was bathed in. I laughed to myself. I had been taken. Oh my..!41

  Feeling foolish now,  that I thought it had been so important to have had that alabaster jar. 42

  And to think that I could buy such a rare item so cheaply. What was I thinking? Oh the shame.43

  I had all I needed at home with me. My wonderful family and their support. Sometimes though, through grief we cannot see what we have.44