The war had been raging for longer than any of them could remember but the feelings were just as strong and just as intense. It was believed to have been brought on by the mages when one of their kind had tried to force a centaur to become a willing servant. To obey them unconditionally, therefore they had used magic as purpose. Once the leader of the centaurs had found out of course, he was outraged. Furious for the discrepancies of the magic wielding ones he’d sent forth to speak with their leader, and ended up falling at his feet. 2
In a flash the centaurs had risen up in all their power and attacked the kingdom of mages. However it was not to be believed it was a fair fight, nor did they expect to win. But they wanted to avenge their leader, so furiously in fact that every muscle in their bodies rippled every sword gleamed fresh with blood and every arrow plunged home with acute preciseness. Who was to know what was to become of them? Who was to guess at that exact moment a creature, older than time itself, was crawling from the wood work, brought forth by the mages, to deal a blow to the centaurs that would break their willpower as well as their bones.3
The oldest and wisest mage of them all, soon to be called Lord Vled the Victorious in story books, began calling forth the oldest magic known to any mage or mortal alike. The incantation began at a slow and steadied pace but as the power built, as he unleashed the creature, he became frenzied and hurried in his speech. 4
“Bring forth my minion! Come and be free! We seek your guidance and strength to defeat our enemy!” He yelled, finishing the incantation as fire burned around him and light overpowered him as he waited to see the earth shift, for it to move with some uncanny force that would knock the world on its side if need be.5
He did not have to wait as long as he had thought. The earth did move and shifted as if something were crawling beneath it and then slowly a hand appeared from under the earth, claws digging into the blood soaked ground as it pulled itself from the depths of dark below. 6
“Yes come my darkest force.” Lord Vled spoke soft as he watched with amazement and horror filling his eyes as the thing he’d called up came bursting from the ground in a spray of blood and flecks of dirt. 7
The creature had brilliant red eyes and stood as tall as the tallest giant he’d ever seen. It had sharp stained points as teeth and a body so distorted, that none alike would have been able to look at him without cringing away in fear. Even the highest necromancer would not have been able to delve deep enough within himself to stand looking at the thing created for much longer than a moment. 8
Lord Vlad whispered a silent protection to himself as he stared at the monster before him. “Obey my command and kill the centaurs.” He said, trying to make his voice steady and forceful.9
The monster turned his eyes towards the mage who’d called him forth and came towards him. 10
Vlad backed up a few steps but tried to stand his ground no matter what. That was his final mistake. The monster reached a hand out and sliced right through him with sharp claws before he turned and headed towards the battle, man nor beast, but thirsting for the blood and rage it fed on.11
Author notes
Alright, I just finished writing this and I have to turn it in to an agent in about four hours. I am so nervous that I'm actually thinking about not even submitting it at all. Please be brutally honest in telling me what I should change or fix. Thanks :)
Please tell me what I need to change or work on.
Comments
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Wow, this sounds like a really interesting piece. It was VERY descriptive and full of imagery. Wonderfully written and good vocabulary to. Wonderful job my dear. I hope you do submit it and I hope that the agent knows that what he is reading is marvelous work. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more of this story soon.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 10, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Always typos.
Should you in the first and opening paragraph use opened forest or open forest? #3 place a comma between rippled and every.
Your main character is Lord Vled or Lord Vlad? There are spelling of both Vled and Vlad.
The Creature Within does not sound like a proper title for this story. The Creature Unleashed might sound better.
Crawling from the wood work in #3 sounds more like a termite infestation than a term to be used for such a frightening tale as this. Crawling from the forest floor or clawing itself out of the swamp bloodied woods might do better.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Interesting
I'm not quite sure what this is all about. It sounds like the beginning of a novel and if it is I would like to read it but as a short story it leaves me wondering about a lot. Who are we rooting for the centaurs or the mages? I'm inclined to the centaurs because it appears that the mages are at fault in this war. And whats up with the demon? How was it captured? Does it have a personality? What is its importance? please answer.


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