Bunnie Hadsall
Period 5 EN27
Date: Whatev1
The darkness of the outside seemed to glare at me as he stared at it. It seemed to be a sort of challenge, but Seth gave up easily. It seemed nothing was worth it anymore.
Beneath his room, he could hear the drunken slurring of his father, and the shrill screams of his mother while she berated him. The very sound of his mother crying brought fear flowing through him. Every time his mother took a breath, that same cold surge of fear would return.
Seth lay across his bed, his cold hand attempting to bring some solace to his tearing eyes. The yelling seemed to get louder as he tried to avoid it with thoughts of music, or scenarios where he was a rock star.
“You-you’re just a…crazy whore…you…you crazy whore!” he heard his father manage to get out.
“Well if you’d actually get off your lazy…arrgh! There’s no use TALKING to you!” his mother retorted. The voice seemed strong, but wavered. Seth had unintentionally trained himself to pick up his mother’s emotions during these fights.
Suddenly, he froze.
“You know what? Just leave. Just leave and never come back! I don’t care anymore! GET OUT!”
Those were the words. LEAVE. The words that solved everything, but caused everything he’d ever known to crumble. The words he had waited for the last three years. They were finally given life.
He was full of mixed emotions as he heard his parents squabble on.
“Fine...I’ll go. B-but you’ll want me back, woman! Just…you…w-wait!” the alcoholic screamed as he packed. Seth pretended not to hear it.
After a while, he heard the door slam, and as it did, so did all Seth’s faith in anything.2
The next few days flew by without so much as a relayed message from his father. His mother continued to break down at random moments, while pretending everything was fine. Perhaps she assumed that Seth already knew what happened, because she never brought his father’s absence up.
The fear of losing his father hadn’t subsided, even after a week and a half. There was no attempt at communication. Seth hadn’t even talked for the last three days. Instead, he sat in silence, blaming himself for his father’s departure.
If I were smarter, maybe he wouldn’t have left. But I am smart! I just don’t show it. I get average grades. Holding back...that’s why he’s gone! But if I worked harder, how would he know? I don’t even know where he’s staying! I already screwed everything up. I screwed it all up. He was depressed about me, so he started drinking! I ruined it all…it was my entire fault.
His thought process was much the same for the next few days, but then, eventually, he became numb. The days passed by, but he paid no attention. People moved around him, but he remained in slow motion. Each minute he was alive was painstakingly difficult. Eventually, the day ended.
Seth was once again on his bed, staring with glassy eyes at the faded white paint on his ceiling. The plaster’s strange texture would normally seem to form shapes, but tonight it seemed glass smooth through his unfocused blue eyes.
The fan’s gentle clicking as it twirled gave the impression of a lullaby. With this, Seth slowly drifted into a deep sleep.
Seth awoke a few hours later. His eyes darted to his alarm clock. It read 1:08. He listened for a moment, trying to identify what had awakened him. Suddenly, he heard the sound. Quiet and indistinct at first, but then Seth recognized it; his mother was crying again. She heard the hissing of her ‘S’s as she spoke, and he quickly realized she was on the phone.
“Frank! I’ve had enough! What about Seth?” he made out as he moved from his bed and put his ear to the floor. It was as if some unseen force was moving him. He didn’t really want to know what his mother was saying.
“No. No! You can’t come back unless you go to rehab! I don’t even know why you started drinking in the first place!”
Seth’s mind once again overflowed with thoughts.
It’s my fault. He started drinking because I didn’t live up to his expectations…! He reasoned. That was enough. Tears seemed to stream down his face without warning, and soon it turned into an all-out sob. His eyes remained wide open, and he kept blaming himself.
It’s because I’m worthless! He thought as he stood shakily. He planned on going back to his bed, but his legs carried him to his desk. His geometry book lay open with a paper lying in it. It was blank, for he had no reason to try hard. His father had left him.
He glanced around, eyes accustomed to the dark, until they fell upon what he seemed to be looking for: a compass.
The end was perfectly sharp. Without another thought, he jammed it into the back of his hand and dragged it across his skin, just past his wrist. He did it again and again; blood bubbling from the wounds and then trickling down the side of his hand. When he was done, there were seven long, bloody lines up his arms.3
Author notes
Stuff for english
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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ahhh blood
ok i coward at blood...but since it was awsomely written am not sure awsomely is a word ull have to forgive me bunny..but yea you gotta love it. i couldnt stop reading ..i was like cringing half the time...in a manly way of course...but what can i say it rocked...see and you wonder why i get all nervouse and jittery when i ask you to write somthing i wrote. but since i know absulutly nothing about writting..you can just put my comment as in the friends comment..thing
sincerly eriktheboy..
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awcome writing
this is written as if it were true. so many young kids today blame themselves for a split ,but it is not their fault,out forth the story very well written with great detail keep up te great writing it flowed very nicelybeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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wow
i think there's a couple of spots where you could change the order of the words to make it easier to read, like "never brought his fathers absence up" to "never brought up the abscence of his father." i'm one of those people that had to read that line a couple of times for some reason in order to understand it. it's just a suggestion. anyway, as a whole and past that sentence, i loved the story. it was an awesome piece of writing. i can relate. and the way you describe things makes the person reading feel like they know exactly what's going on. awesome. really awesome. -
Good
It was a good piece and very life like, except for the fact that you may have exaggerated a bit too much "he jammed it into the back of his hand" real life he would have passed out because of the pain, but the word jammed makes the whole thing more suspenseful and sad. The only major grammar problem is in the beginning you put me and the story is in third person.
There's not as much background as I would enjoy, but Seth was still a good character & the beginning could start out more powerful. Maybe with his parents yelling back & forth. Good job.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Not very good, I'm afraid
I'm sorry, but this story isn't my kind of thing...
Beginning: 3/5
You catch the reader's attention by starting off the story with Seth overhearing the arguments. It's a good start. Most people try to start the story off with, "Seth was a sad little boy..."
So, for that, you have my kudos.
Unfortunately, because of the first line, "The darkness of the outside seemed to glare at ME as HE stared at it", I'm going to have to lower that score from a 4/5 to the average 3/5. First-person, third-person.... AGH! MY HEAD!!!!! lol
Okay, but all puns aside, the beginning was good, but it confused me at a few parts...
Ending: 2/5
sorry, but the ending seemed too stereotypical to me. Everyone these days does one of two things: cuts themselves.... or cuts themselves and then writes about it.
Again, all puns aside, the ending was good. but due to my personal tastes, I'm giving it a 2/5. Sorry.
Characters: 4/5
Seth was a bit stereotypical, too. But since you described him quite well, and made him relateable, I'm giving this a 4/5.
Also, I noticed you used indirect charactization, which I consider good. You never actually tell us what Seth looks like or how he feels. You tell us his actions and thoughts, and, though it's pretty obvious how he's feeling, it still lets the reader interpret.
Lots of writers do this. Including myself. Kudos.
Plot: 3/5
Divorce is always a good topic, but not something I have a particular taste for. My parents divorced while I was at a young age, so I know what it's like. So don't be angry and try to proclaim I've no idea what I'm talking about, because I do.
There wasn't much plot-development. And, other than the divorce thing, I'm unsure what the plot is. I'm giving it an average score, though.
Language: 2/5
im dslxck, r u?
win eye sea stuph liek thiss n thuh stry, mie hed herts, sew eye haff tuh giv it a loe scor. srry.
dn't bee mahd, thoh. Eye haff seen werse.
Dialog: What dialog??
There wasn't much talking in this, so it's unfair of me to try and judge on this.
Overall: 4/10
Close to Average, but, no offense, I've seen better. Fix up some of those spelling mistakes next time, and good luck with the next story!beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, overall: 4, ending: 2, characters: 4.
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Great
This was a very sad piece. Unfortunately, kids resort to cutting for their parents problems these days. I did see one error though. "The darkness of the outside seemed to glare at me as he stared at it" Is "me" suppose to be "him?" Other than that there were no errors that I could really see. This was a great piece. Keep up the good work!overall: 8.
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There are some beautifully sad lines in this piece (yes, I know that's an oxymoron, but, hey, why else would they exist!) The devil is in the detail and I have to say that you definitely have an eye for it. I loved the comparison between the slamming of the door and Seth's faith in everything. Likewise, the sound of the fan and a lullaby.
The use of 'me' in the first line left me a little confused - obviously a typo that needs to be un-typo-ed.
Oddly enough, one thing that kept me reading was the fact that Seth's dad wasn't beating his wife. Not entirely sure why this should have hit me, but I guess it's because the whole wife-beating alcoholic has become so cliched in stories (probably because it happens more often than not in reality) that it has become tiring. The fact that this does not happen here makes a welcome change and somehow, despite the end of the story, leaves the reader feeling that there may be hope on the horizon, and things actually worked out after the story was told.
All in all, a good read. Cheers!beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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I hated geometry.
I remember one day standing at the bus stop waiting for the school bus. I guess I was a sophomore in high school. I was armed with my geometry book which had a handmade pocket in the back that held the protractor and the compass. I was so sick of math that I remember throwing the book on the ground and the instruments fell out. The sound of the bus coming around the curve of the country road broke me back to reality and I quickly picked up the crap and stuffed it back in the pocket.
The senior year I really learned to hate algebra II. I had taken algebra I my freshman year. Geometry I earned a B and in algebra I my year average was a C. I finally had to drop algebra II or I would have failed it. I left it to get a quarter credit in gym in order to graduate.
My Father committed suicide when I was 13 so I know what it is like when a Dad leaves you. For good. My Mother was Church of Christ so she never left my Father even though he was running around on her. Enough about me and my TMI.
Your story is painful to read. I too know what it is like looking up at the ceiling and trying to form patterns from the plaster work. I know what it is like to sit in a room and watch the shadows move and dance upon the walls.
Finally through all of my high school work I was able to graduate third in my class. My Father would have been proud of me I guess. My Father completed a sixth grade education and my Mother finished first grade only. I am 51 and it was my generation which was the last one to know what it was like to work in the cotton fields of the South.
It seems like you were given a very interesting English class assignment. I hope you made an A for this course work. I am only sad that your hero of this piece gave in and did what he did. I wish he would have surmounted his obstacles in a better fashion. To confess failure with his father should not have meant that he would have had to admit defeat with himself as well.
But your story went where you took it and we had to read it at face value.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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amanda
it tight but not that tight.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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you've got some good stuff in here...though it could also use a little cleaning up
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