A Wound Too Deep...

I close my eyes to stop tears from welling up, but they do anyway, and spill down my cheeks like hot water. How could you do this to me? How could you hurt me so badly then just leave me with this false hope? I lay awake at night crying, hoping and wishing that you were there beside me. Whenever we hug i never want to let you go, i just want to fall asleep in your arms and belong to you, and never have to face reality.
I just want you to tell me you love me, or at least pretend you do. I just want to be loved by someone, even if it's not you. I just want to know that i belong somewhere, that i have a chance to be happy...yet that chance never shows itself...and i'm always left with bitter cuts on my arms, and tears scorching my cheeks. I just want to be held by someone, not be hurt or shit for who i am.
Why can't i ever fall in love with someone who will love me back? Someone who will hold me and tell me that they love me and actually mean it, someone who will make me feel like i have something left to live for, someone who will tell me everything will be ok, someone who will make me smile when all i can see is darkness...
Everytime i just take off the mask for one moment, to stop the stupid fake smiles, the empty laughter and the act that i put on for everyone at school. Everytime i take off that mask, i just want to break down crying. Why can't you love me? Why can't i be her, what you want? Just crying as im writing this, wishing that everything would just automatically sort itself out and i would be left happy. But i never am! It's always fake fucking happiness, isn't it?
I just sit back and watch as everyone else sails by, and i help them with their problems. I've stopped worrying about myself and started helping everyone out, advising, making them smile. Cause it's the only thing i can actually do that doesn't break my heart. I love seeing them happy, but hate wishing i could be as happy as them...knowing i never will be.
Go on, tell me i will be. Tell me everythings okay. Open your bullshitting mouth and spew out that manure...maybe then i'll believe you, maybe then i'll be able to find some hope! I watch with tears in my eyes day after day, new cut after cut...story after story, poem after poem, hope after hope, dream after dream...And now i've finally realised that the only one that can make me happy is you. You're the only one that can make me smile, make me laugh. You're the only one i'd die for, you're the only one i'd kill for, you're the only one that i fucking love. Everyone else is nothing to me, you are my everything. You're my whole life, yet you love her.
It's always the same story, isn't it? I always end up broken and in peices, wishing that i could just die. Then you always pick me up again, you being the only one that can do that. You give me some hope and then i can actually smile again, and i take the time to try and mend, to hide the scars! But it never fucking works! I can't stand this anymore, i can't stand the constant pain everyone is putting me through, and i can't tell them! I just want to curl up and die, to drown in the blood that i'm spilling just to remind myself im not in one of my fucked up nightmares! I just want to die...to have the courage and the pain to make another wound on my scarred arm...a wound that will end this pain...a wound too deep to heal..1