The Erotic Adventures of Jerry

Jerry stood in the dim light outside the house. He was naturally a very nervous person, and answering an article in a newspaper had been a very uncharacteristic thing for him to do. Even so, there he stood, reaching shakily for the doorbell. It sounded with an unusual chime, that, to Jerry, sounded like a very unfortunate person being crushed by a very large piano.
 The fear had Jerry sweating again, as he waited for the door to open. It did so.
‘Can I help you, sir?’ said a rather cadaverous looking man, who at that moment was spitting out several piano keys.
‘Ah, sorry, did that piano just-?’
‘No.’ he said, firmly.
‘But I swear I just heard-’
‘You were mistaken.’
‘O-okay.’
Jerry was unsure of where he stood with a man of this kind. Eventually, he realised that it was roughly four feet in front of him, on the other side of a doorway.
The man was unsure of what to make of Jerry as well. Many people encountered the same problem. Perhaps it was his skin tone – he seemed to be a very odd shade of, well, to be frank, his face looked as if it had been created by a clown. A blind clown. In a fog. With his feet.
‘You must be here for the… ah... “Young, nubile females”…’ he said, quoting the newspaper article.
‘The what?’ replied Jerry.
The man sighed. ‘The rampant sex,’ he said.
‘Yes, that’s right,’ said Jerry excitedly, and allowed the man to lead him inside.
‘Upstairs,’ said the man, and exited through a door.
Jerry’s nervousness began to return to him as he realised he was alone in the dark hallway. The stairs creaked underfoot, and he had an eerie feeling of something watching him. Something… evil…
Upstairs, he paused in the darkness. He edged forward, and tried a door.
‘Sorry!’ He had opened the door to find a man lying on the bed with his shirt off.
‘Oh, are you here for the… ah… “Beautiful women waiting to fulfil your every desire”?’ the man asked.
‘The what?’ replied Jerry.
The man sat up. ‘The wild orgy,’ he said.
‘Oh, yes,’ said Jerry, unsure of himself. ‘Is this the right room?’
‘Yeah, just take a seat. I’m sure the girls will be here soon.’ Jerry sat down next to him, as he continued, ‘I’m Lord Phallus, by the way.’
‘Gosh,’ said Jerry. ‘That’s an… interesting name.’
Jerry wondered if this was his real name, and wondered whether he should think of a fake name to use instead, something that the girls would find compelling.
‘I’m… Alexander…’ he said. He let the name hang in there for a while, and then, as an afterthought, added ‘the Large. Alexander the Large.’
‘Ah, right.’
‘It’s, um, my penis you see,’ he said. ‘Very, uh… very big penis, I’ve got.’
‘Ah.’
There was an awkward silence. Lord Phallus looked awkward and started to scratch his nether regions.
‘There’s some food here for us,’ he said, reaching for a mini-quiche with the same hand. ‘Quiche?’
Jerry looked disgusted. ‘N-no thanks, I’ll just eat this paper bag.’
He did so.

Meanwhile, in the other room, the cadaverous-looking man was doing some evil shit. His sister watched him with interest.
‘Lucius, will you stop fucking that malevolent-looking dung and come watch the monitors?’
‘Yes, Lucia,’ he said, moving closer to the screen. ‘What’s the problem?’
‘You said there would be some intelligent human specimens for our breeding programme.’
‘Yes, and I got some. There will be more soon, don’t worry your tiny brain-meats about it.’
‘Lucius, these are not intelligent humans!’
‘How can you tell?’
‘One of them is eating a paper bag, and the other one is eating that horse shit you left on the table.’
‘Why?’
‘He thinks it’s a mini-quiche!’
Lucius sighed. ‘I’ll open the portal to attract more humans.’ He pushed a button. ‘Intelligent ones,’ he added, with venom.

Lord Phallus and Alexander the Large had reached the lowest possible form of human interaction.
‘So where did you park?’ said Lord Phallus. ‘There’s not a free space around for miles.’
‘I-’
He stopped. He had to. A man had just walked in and said one of those things, which, when heard, somehow manages to destroy any hope for continued normal discussion.
‘Which of you bastards butt-raped me in my sleep?’
Jerry stared for a while, open-mouthed.
‘I’m talking to you, you sick bastards! Which one was it?’
‘Well, it wasn’t me,’ said Lord Phallus.
‘Me neither,’ said Jerry quickly.
A strange look came over the man’s face. ‘Then the legends are true,’ he said calmly, and sat down on the bed.
‘The legends?’
‘Aye, the legend of Sir Frederick the Gay. I’ve been searching for him for twenty years, and I never thought I’d find him.’ He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘He is said to reside within these very walls.’
‘I know you!’ exclaimed Lord Phallus. ‘You’re the legendary hero, Testaclēs, sworn vanquisher of evil spirits.’
‘The very same,’ said Testaclēs, proudly.
‘’ere, Jerry. I hear this guy has a cock ring.’
‘A what?’ gasped Jerry. ‘That sounds painful!’
‘Do you want to see it?’ asked Testaclēs.
Jerry definitely did not want to see it, but he also did not want to look cowardly and unmanly in front of his fellow men. ‘Alright then,’ he said.
‘But I warn you, this ring once belonged to the Dark Lord himself, and was forged in his crack of doom.’
‘Eurgh.’
‘Do you still want to see it?’
Jerry nodded speechlessly. Testaclēs reached into his pocket and removed a small plastic ring. It was blue, and had little stars on it.
‘It’s said to have the power to make its wearer invisible,’ said Testaclēs, proudly.
‘Oh, that’s what a cock ring is! I thought it was some kind of piercing!’ said Jerry, looking rather relieved. He wasn’t sure of course, but he didn’t think it was supposed to look like that.
‘On my nob!? Are you mad?’
Lord Phallus lay back again. ‘When’re those women arriving, d’you know?’
‘No idea, friend. Not long now, I expect. After all, I’m sure no woman would want to miss three studs like us.’
‘Yeah,’ said Lord Phallus. ‘They won’t even wait for introductions, just tear of their clothes and we’ll get it on!’
Jerry began to feel nervous again. He had a calendar at home with naked ladies on it. That is, he liked to tell people that was true, but he’d never had the courage to buy one, and had settled for an art calendar. If he looked carefully at some of the portraits he could just about see some cleavage. If he used some imagination that is.
He was saved from having to contribute by the sudden opening coming into existence in the wall next to him.
‘That’ll be the girls,’ said Testaclēs.
The portal was wide enough now for someone to come through. Instead, three pigs, four sheep, two cats, a turtle wearing a dog collar, and a very frustrated horse stampeded into the room.
‘What’s going on!?’ cried Jerry.
The horse rounded on him. ‘I’ll tell you what’s going on!’ she said. ‘Someone put some teleportation device in my stable! I can’t sleep here!’
‘Is that why you’re so upset?’ said Jerry, trying to calm her.
‘Well yes, but…’ she began, ‘also… I saw my boyfriend kissing another mare this afternoon.’
‘The swine!’
‘Yes?’ said a voice from behind him. Jerry looked around to see a pig looking at him expectantly.
‘Oh, er… never mind…’
The lights flickered off, leaving them in darkness. The portal hummed and someone stepped out of it. They didn’t seem to have noticed that they were no longer having a private chat with their friends, but were suddenly in a room which now smelled very much of pig. They were still talking in a voice, which, given that it was slightly muffled, was impossible to tell whether it was male or female.
‘…so then I said “A woman is a woman is a woman. And that’s how the cookie crumbles.”’
‘So what are you then?’ asked Lord Phallus, hopefully.
‘Well, I’m a man…’
A flashlight clicked on, and two people stood up and started to leave. When they reached the door, however…
‘Not so fast!’
Lucius was standing at the doorway, holding a spatula.
‘You Earthlings are going to stay for a while, or else…’
Lucia stepped into the room as the lights came back on. ‘My brother is right. Stay… the party is just beginning!’
‘Excuse me, but, well, are there going to be any women here?’ said Jerry.
The two standing in the doorway looked at each other. ‘Did you remember to write the article in the woman’s magazine as well?’
‘Of course, it said “wild orgy, open to all. In aid of Earth Destruction.”
‘What!? You weren’t supposed to tell them we’re wiping out the human race to create a better one!’
‘It worked for the men,’ said Lucius, indignantly.
Lucia sighed. ‘That’s because they’re men. They don’t read further than the word “orgy”.’
Lord Phallus was arguing with a hen because it had taken too much of the blanket. He stopped. ‘You mean, you’re going to wipe out the human race?’
‘Of course!’ said Lucius. ‘But since you know about our plan…’
He tore of the robe he’d been wearing. Underneath, he wore a short black skirt and a tool belt containing handcuffs, a spiked bracelet, a highlighter and a laptop computer, along with several, more vicious-looking alien tools of evil. The entire effect was rather ruined by the pair of rainbow-coloured toe socks his mother had bought him for Christmas.
He pulled out a savage-looking alien teapot and pointed it at Jerry.
‘Oh, super,’ he said. ‘I could do with a cup.’
Lucius looked at him, a little confused now. There was something worrying about all this, like the question of how the human race had survived thus far when people like this were allowed in the gene pool. He probably needed arm bands.
‘Fool! This is our secret weapon, and you…’ a malicious grin played across his face, and was gone again. ‘You will be the first to die by its power… Tell me, are you excited?’
‘Oh, no,’ said Jerry. ‘It’s just the way I’m sitting. My jeans tend to ride up a little around the crotch and--’
‘Silence!’ He tapped the lid, and a purple mist started to pour forth from it. The pot shook and the lid rattled.
‘Look deep into the mist… You will see many things – things you could never dream of—‘
‘Like what?’ This was Lord Phallus.
‘Like… rubies,’ said Lucius, caught off-guard.
‘I’ve dreamt of rubies,’ said Testaclēs, ‘what else?’
He stalled. ‘Err…Lesbian ham?’
‘Lesbian ham?
Suddenly, there was a noise like a chord being struck on a distant piano, perhaps the tombstone chimes of Death: The Musical.
‘That bastard Freddy the Poof again!’
‘Frederick the Gay, actually.’ At that moment a four tonne piano fell through the ceiling and, with a rather symphonic crash, landed on top of both Lucius and Lucia. A ghostly wearing a towel descended and stood atop the broken piano.
‘Hello, friends. I am Frederick the Gay.’
The others were stunned. ‘I don’t care who you are,’ said a pig. ‘That’s funny right there.’
The ghost closed the door, switched off the portal and removed his towel revealing his naked, spectral form. ‘Now,’ he said. ‘Who wants lunch?’

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