Chapter 1- Dinner Disaster2
There was a loud crash coming from the lounge room, which startled Lily Evans. Although her parents were muggles (non magic folk) Lily had still been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where she was an exceptionally bright witch. She loved almost everything about Hogwarts like the castle and its grounds, the teachers, most of the students and of course, the magic. Speaking of Hogwarts’ students, the only thing that darkened her view of Hogwarts were a group of four boys. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and the worst of them all was James Potter. Admittedly, Lily had formed a close friendship Remus when they both became prefects in their fifth year, but as far as she was concerned James was the most insufferable person she had ever met. She was still amazed that she had done something she had once thought impossible. She had found someone she detested as much or possibly more her sister Petunia. She hated the way James was always gloating about something or other, the way he Jinxed people, mainly Slytherins for no reason, and the way he messed his hair continuously to make it look windswept………… His soft, silky, jet-black hair. Lily smiled as she visualized James’s stubbornly untidy hair, his large deep hazel eyes that resembled the color of melting chocolate, his tall, well toned body and his signature smile. James was easily the best looking guy in the school and had his fair share of admirers, but she seemed to be the only girl who his charm didn’t work on. She quickly snapped back to reality. Why did she suddenly care about what a guy looked like? As far as she was concerned, James’ stunning looks did not make up for his arrogant, egotistical, obnoxious, antagonistic, self-centered attitude; she still thought he was an ignorant toerag. It was at this moment that Lily heard her older sister scream again. 3
“Lily get down here and get this owl off my head NOW!” Petunia Evans screamed at her younger sister, who was currently writing a story in her room. Lily put down her quill and went down stairs to rescue the poor owl from her screaming sister. As she entered the lounge room, she immediately recognized the sleek snowy owl that belonged to her best friend Natalie Potter, who was tall with waist length chocolate brown hair and mystical bright blue eyes. Lily called softly to the owl,
“Come here Talluah before Petunia’s screaming wakes my mother.” With that, Talluah glided swiftly onto her outstretched arm. Lily immediately untied the note from Talluah’s leg while Talluah sat contentedly on her shoulder. She headed directly for the safety of her room where she could read the note in private. Once the Door was locked, Lily eagerly opened the letter. 4
Hi Lily
I cannot stand James and Sirius for another minute, they are driving me insane. So, can you convince your parents to let me stay for the rest of the holidays? Please? Pretty please with Droobles best on top? I need your help to keep my sanity, and you no doubt need my help so you don’t perish in boredom or get into trouble from the ministry for using magic to torture your sister.5
Please save me,
Nat. 6
Lily rushed down stairs to where her parents were having their morning coffee; she gave them each their morning hug before asking.
“Mum, Dad, do you remember my friend Natalie Potter? Well her cousin James and her boyfriend Sirius are driving her insane. So I was wondering, could she please stay for the rest of the holidays? I promise that I won’t argue with Petunia as much, pretty please?” Lily pleaded persuasively with her most innocent expression on her face. After a moment of consideration, Mrs. Evans replied, “If it is ok with your father then she can stay, but we can’t take you to Diagon Alley so you will have to walk or aparate, or what ever you magic people do to get from one place to another.”
She turned so she was looking at her father, waiting for an answer. Her father answered slowly, “Natalie can stay, as long as she brings her school stuff because when you go back to school I can’t go and pick her stuff up, ok Lily?”
She was ecstatic that her best friend was staying for the rest of the holidays so she rushed up stairs where Talluah was waiting patently on her bed to return to Nat with an answer from Lily. She quickly scribbled a quick note to Nat.7
Nat,
My parents said yes so you can come and escape James and Sirius' insanity, as long as you bring your Hogwarts stuff. Can you be here in time for dinner tonight at around 6:30? 8
See you soon
Lily 9
Lily tied the note to Talluah’s leg and she watched Talluah fly out of sight before returning to her story. 10
MEANWHILE…………
Nat was cooking lunch for everyone at the Potter residence, when all of a sudden Talluah soared through the open window with Lily’s reply bound to her leg. Talluah landed on her shoulder and when the note was removed flew up to Nat’s room for a well-deserved sleep. Just as she finished reading Lily’s short reply James and Sirius decided to read over her shoulder.
“Do you think I’m insane sweetheart?” asked Sirius with a mock tone of hurt as he fiddled with Nat’s ponytail of long brown hair.
“I’m coming if you’re going to Lily’s house,” insisted James with an eager glint in his hazel eyes.
“Mate, I think you should give up on Evans, because no matter what you do to please her she will never like you,” Sirius yawned, his grey eyes showing the lack of sleep that was a result of last night’s full moon. Nat and Sirius knew the score, James, who could get almost any girl in the school, was only interested in one girl, Lily, and Lily always made it quite plain that she detested everything about James. 11
When Natalie had packed her trunk, the three of them headed into James’ front yard where Nat raised her wand arm. Just as Nat lowered her right arm, there was a deafining bang and a violently purple bus materialized out of thin air. The conductor of the knight bus was a tall, thin man who assisted Nat with her trunk as James paid the driver. Nat was glad that the journey to Lily’s house was short, as James’ continual fidgeting was getting extremely annoying. She knew that he was only fidgeting because he wanted Lily to like him, although he was beginning to see reason. 12
When they arrived, Lily ran out, gave her best friend a hug, and asked, “Why are they here?”
“James insisted on tagging along because I was coming to your house, and his shadow won’t stay behind like a good boy. He wanted to meet the muggles,” replied Natalie as James and Sirius heaved her trunk off the Night Bus. Lily’s parents were standing at the door watching the scene unfold, and when James drew level with the door he motioned to Sirius to put the trunk down and introduced himself.
“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Evans. I’m Nat’s cousin, James Potter, and this is Nat’s boyfriend, Sirius Black. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you both,” James said holding out his hand to shake Mr. and Mrs. Evans’ hands respectively.
“Where is your room Lily, we need to take Nat’s trunk upstairs?” James asked, knowing that he was pushing his luck.
“Not a chance Potter. Nat and I will take her trunk into my room, you two can go now,” Lily responded, somewhat forcefully.
While Nat and Lily were taking Nat’s trunk upstairs Mrs. Evans turned to James and Sirius and asked,
“James and Sirius would you like to stay for dinner? It’s getting late and you are probably hungry from your long journey?”
“Thank you Mrs. Evans, we’d love to,” James replied with a polite smile.
“What? No way, this is not fair,” Lily, mumbled barely audible under her breath as she and Nat reached the bottom of the stairs.
“What was that dear?” Mrs. Evans asked her daughter.
“Nothing Mum,” Lily said with a reassuring smile on her face.
Just as they sat down to dinner, Petunia and her boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, came in and joined them at the table. Petunia begrudgingly sat next to Lily and Vernon took his place to James’ right. All the way through dinner, Lily was growing bored of the snide hints that Petunia and Vernon kept dropping about why they considered Lily and Nat freaks. Little did they know that James and Sirius were wizards and that all four of them (Lily, Nat, James and Sirius) were of age (meaning that they could legally perform magic outside of school). As Petunia and Vernon continued their endless comments about her ‘abnormalness’, Lily noticed that James was holding a small bottle full of scarlet liquid and whispering to Sirius on his left.
“What’s that in your hand, Potter?” Demanded Lily, eyes narrowed in suspicion. She knew he was up to no good.
“Nothing, Evans,” replied James trying very quickly to hide the bottle from sight, but he was not fast enough. Nat snatched the bottle from her cousin and studied it carefully behind a partially closed hand so Lily couldn’t see the liquid.
“It’s ok, Lily, it’s only a babbling beverage that he concocted yesterday,” lied Nat, pocketing the bottle. Nat knew that it was a poison and she was curious what he was planning to do with it.
“Lily, could you please pass the salt?” asked Vernon. When Lily had passed the salt, Vernon replied, “Thank you, freak.”
James’ temper got the better of him so he whispered something to Vernon so quietly that no one else could hear.
“I’m getting sick of you calling Lily a freak, so back off, alright.”
“But she is a freak. Didn’t you know that she’s a witch and so is her friend, Natalie Potter?” responded Vernon as quietly as James did.
“I know that Lily and Nat are witches but obviously you didn’t know that Sirius and I are wizards, or that Nat is my cousin. So no more snide hints from you, muggle, or I will make you pay, got it?” promised James.
“Is that a threat?” inquired Vernon spilling some mashed potato on his shirt, “Do I look like the kind of man that can be intimidated?”
“Why, yes Dursley, you do look like the kind of man that can be intimidated and, no, it’s not a threat, it’s a promise,” replied James with a tone of voice that made Vernon’s blood run cold.
“Lily, could you come and help me the bring dessert out, please?” asked Mrs. Evans. Lily obediently followed her mother into the kitchen. When the door shut, Mrs. Evans grabbed the strawberries, custard, trifle, and fruit salad from the fridge while Lily got the bowls from the cupboard and placed them on a silver tray. Mrs. Evans turned to Lily, smiling, and commented, “I must say, James is a nice young man, is he always this polite?”
“No, mother, and as far as I’m concerned if he was to drop off the face of the earth, I would be very happy. He is rude, arrogant, self-obsessed and a deluded showoff,” stated Lily with a look of contempt.
“Now Lily, don’t you think you are being a bit harsh? After all, he has been sticking up for you all night when it comes to the comments from Petunia and Vernon. I think you should be a bit less hostile towards him tonight and no smart-mouthed comments from you. Understood?” Mrs. Evans reprimanded her youngest daughter for her behavior that night. When Lily and Mrs. Evans returned to the dining room with dessert Nat gave Lily a look that said ‘I HATE YOUR SISTER’, before turning to James.
“James, are you going to do a full Quidditch team try-out this year or are you going to keep all the old team and just find a new beater and a new chaser?” asked Nat, who was a member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team of which James captained to numerous victories.
“What’s Quidditch?” queried Mr. Evans.
“Quidditch is a game played on broomsticks. There are seven players- three chasers who handle the biggish red ball called the Quaffle, the Keeper who defends the three fifty foot high goal hoops. Each goal scored with the Quaffle is worth 10 points. There are two beaters whose job is to make sure the Bludgers, they’re the small black balls that zoom around trying to knock as many players off their brooms as possible, don’t hit their team. The beaters also pelt the Bludgers towards the opposition team using their bats. Then there is the seeker; his or her job is to capture the tiny golden Snitch. The Snitch is a tiny, walnut sized, golden ball that is so fast that the seeker has troubles trying to see it. The game doesn’t end until the Snitch is caught and the Seeker that catches the Snitch earns their team 150 points, so they nearly always win.” elucidated James, “I’m captain and seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Nat’s a chaser and Sirius is a beater.”
“What position do you play Lily?” questioned Mrs. Evans conversationally.
“I don’t play Quidditch. Nat reckons I should try out for chaser but I would never make it on the team,” sighed Lily rolling her eyes.
“I don’t know about that Lils, I reckon that James would let you on the team,” giggled Nat.
“Yeah and that’s the last thing I want. To spend more time than is strictly necessary with Potter,” sighed a frustrated Lily.
“Lily,” warned Mrs. Evans
James caught Nat’s eye and gave a small nod. Immediately Nat turned to Vernon, directing his attention away from James, and asked,
“What line of work are you involved in Vernon?” Vernon was so stunned at being addressed so civilly by Nat, that while he sat there silently looking at her, James took the opportunity to tip the bottle of scarlet liquid that Nat had confiscated earlier onto Vernon’s strawberries. After getting over his temporary state of shock, Vernon said, “None of your business, freak,” and returned to his dessert. Just as he was about to swallow a large spoonful of strawberries Nat erupted into such a loud fit of giggles that she drew curious stares from all around the table. Lily was concerned about her friend’s behaviour but was instantaneously distracted by the fact that Vernon was now turning a delicate shade of fluorescent green and neon blue. She immediately recognizing the effects of the truth serum combined with the babbling beverage. The result of this combination, Lily knew from experience, would be disastrous. She sprinted up the stairs, into her room and immediately retrieved a bezoar (a small kidney shaped stone taken from the stomach of a goat. The bezoar will save you from most poisons). She ran down stairs and shoved the bezoar into Vernon’s protesting mouth. After a minute or so, Vernon started to return to normal and Lily looked livid.
“WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, POTTER? DID IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT HAD I NOT HAD A BEZOAR IN MY POTION KIT VERNON WOULD HAVE DIED AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT? YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT, POTTER! I PROMISE YOU, IF YOU DON’T STAY OUT OF MY WAY THIS YEAR AT HOGWARTS I WILL MAKE YOU SO SORRY THAT YOU HUMILIATED ME OVER THE PAST SIX YEARS, GOT IT POTTER? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CURSE YOU,” Screeched a vituperative looking Lily drawing her wand, advancing silently on the two infuriating boys standing in front of her. James and Sirius quickly backed out of the house, not daring to let her wand escape their line of sight.13
Once James and Sirius disaperated, Lily stormed up to her room and locked the door before collapsing on her bed, ready to cry. Nat tried to give her some space, but became very worried after half an hour of waiting, so she snuck up the stairs to comfort Lily. She hoped she could get Lily to forgive James and not totally hate his guts.
“Lily, let me in,” Nat called from the other side of the door; “if you don’t let me in I will curse the door open.”
After Lily didn’t open the door, Nat pointed her wand to the lock and muttered, “Alohamora.”
“Lily, James only did that to protect you,” Lily, try as she might could not fool Nat that she was asleep as Nat entered the room and beginning her lecture, “What Vernon did caused James’ blood to boil. You know ho he reacts when anyone insults you and calls you a Mudblood, he goes off and I know it’s never worked in his favour before. To him, you’re nothing short of perfect; so don’t expect him to sit around and watch people torment you.” When Talluah finally made herself heard, Lily opened the window; she flew in and dropped a letter and a box of honneydukes chocolate onto Lily’s lap. Lily opened the letter without much care and read.14
To my dearest Lily,
I’m sorry for my actions towards Dursley tonight, but I couldn’t ignore the hurtful things he said about you. So the only thing that I could think of doing to make him regret his hurtful comments was to poison his strawberries. The primary reason that I targeted the strawberries was because I knew that you were allergic to them and therefore wouldn’t miss them. Please accept these chocolates as my apology. I hope you don’t scrunch this letter up and throw it away.
Yours now and forever,
James.
P.S. I know you still love me. 15
“THAT STUPID, IGNORANT, SELF-OBSESSED GIT! I AM GOING TO HEX HIM INTO OBLIVION,” Lily screeched, defying James’ request by scrunching the letter up and throwing it over her head.
“What’s he done this time?” inquired Nat, retrieving the crumpled letter from the floor. Nat was a little worried by Lily outburst.
“Never mind,” mumbled Lily, collapsing once again on her bed. Nat read the letter silently and was appalled that that James would be so stupid.
“At least he attempted to apologise to you,” Nat attempting to calm Lily as she seethed, causing Talluah to take flight out the open window.
“There’s not going to be anything left of him or Black after I’ve finished with them,” Lily snarled, shredding the letter. 16
17
Author notes
A/N this is my first story so any constructive critisism is most welcome. thanx to everyone who reads this and i am getting my lovly friend Mad-Hatter to fix those errors
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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awesome
I loved it except i dont think lilly would of gone to the extreme but it was a cool storybeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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good way to put it anni
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perfect annie from kaitly
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Hey,
I , brightangel, say dont listen to other poeple you just keep on writing the more you write the better you get. I say that this was the best I have seen true! It is the best ever!
Are you going to write donw more? Tell me if you do please i to have a Harry Poter serise going on aswhile care to read it? Oh, and one more thing listen to your heart when you are writting
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you. I'll be adding more soon
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Hey, not that I know my work is appreciated, I will endever to add more. Thankyou for your comment.
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You are very modest aren't you?
that one was probably the best of the three that i have read, i thought the first part, before the story, was very modest, there were a few spelling and grammar errors (and now i am being a pedantic fool) but otherwise, it was really good.
You are an excellant story writer, and an awesome friend.
Luv ya
Softy at Heart

beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hey girl great work! Please tell me you're going to write another chapter???? I loved it!!!!!
PS: I will go into more detail later in a message -
Good story with some good lines
Proof reading is a lot of work but worth it. Talented write Annie
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hmm...
I only gave this a quick glance because I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but from what I picked up on, this is definitely promising. I'm not a big Harry Potter fan, myself, but I do enjoy the movies.
Sad, I know. This fanfic seems pretty good as far as fanfics go. I delved into Inuyasha fanfic for a while, but eventually left off of it. *Le sighs* I hope you choose to continue this one. With a little work, this could be great. Nicely done!
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Needs a bit of work....
I realize grammar and spelling are not your strong points. That part, I am afraid to say, are most obvious.
The story itself is interesting, though, to tell about how Lily and James fall in love (which I'm assuming is the plot for the story as a whole, not just this chapter).
My review (keep in mind you asked for constructive criticism):
Beginning: 3/5
An average score. I'm afraid you start your story off like most people do: her name was Lily, and she did this, and liked who, but hated whoever, and so on and so on...
Unfortunately, I can tell you frome experience that there is almost no other way to write a fanfiction. It's very difficult to start a story off in an exceptionally clever way, and still have the reader immediately know it's a fanfic.
Ending: 3/5
I'm afraid your ending could use a bit of work. I give it a 3/5, rather than a 2/5, because this is chapter 1, and I think you ended it appropriately for a chapter. You introduced both characters, and ended the chapter much like one would a story, except that you've left it with that "awwww!!!! How cute!" feeling that most girls get after seeing a puppy dog. This pretty much leaves the reader satisfied with what you've written, and still wanting to read more.
Characters: 2/5
I'm sorry for the low score, but the characterization needs work. You went into enough detail about Lily, and about James when viewpoints switched, but what of Natalie, or Sirius?
Yes, all these characters come from our beloved Harry Potter series, but even in a fanfic you must at least let the reader know you haven't abandoned them.
Always keep in mind whilest writing a fanfic, "How would the original author do it?? How do I see James Potter when I read J.K. Rowling's work, and how am I going to portray my view through this story?"
It's really saddening to see an author abandon their characters, and annoying to see someone make the characters do something you'd never expect to see in the original work.
I'm glad you didn't do either, as you focused on James and Lily, but if you switch viewpoints to any character, you need to concentrate on that character, too. if they're important enough for a pov, then they're important enough for detail.
Plot: 4/5
Kudos on the plot. Being a fanfic, the plot itself isn't original. But that's because you're using J.K. Rowling's story. That is, after all, what a fan fic is.
And as such, I'm not rating you on your originality, but rather on the interest of the plot.
As I stated above, I liked the idea of seeing how Lily and James met. it's interesting. Keep up the good work! Most fanfic writers will just write about some misadventure of Harry and his pals, so it's good you kept away from the stereotypical cliche'.
Language: 1/5
i'm sorry for such a low score, really, I am. However, the language needs a lot of work.
What bugged me was your use of description.
".... Lily said, and then Lily walked over to her mirror. lily looked at herself. Lily wasn't happy with how she looked. lily, lily, lily."
Try adding a bit more 'she's in there. A good technique for improving on language is to read the story over after you've written it. Or, as I suggested before, you can read J.K. Rowling's work, and try to write it like SHE would.
For instance, when I write comedies, I imitate the style of Douglas Adams.
Since I do that, I think to myself, "How would Douglas Adams write this?"
and then I type down, "Now, Jimbo wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. With the common misconception of a toolbox for a bathtub (which Bob would later go on to say happened twice a week), he immediately sought after the garden hose."
If you can't picture what you're writing showing up in an actual book by J.K. Rowling, it needs revision. Descriptives were a bit flimsy as well. You describe things, and it's not for lack of detail, but some of the ideas behind the lines seem incomplete.
Again, try to write it the way J.K. Rowling would.
Dialog: 3/5
The characters spoke often, and since grammar mistakes fall under 'language' I'm giving this one a 3/5.
Sometimes I can't imagine your characters saying the things they do, sometimes I can.
An example of improvement:
“Lily let me in. I know you’re upset at what James did and I do not blame you for wanting to kill him. Let me in.”- line 62
You may revise this to: "Lily", Nat called from the other side of the bedroom door, "Let me in! I know you're upset, and I don't blame you for it, but please let me in."
My sentence is obviously much different, but here's why:
Since the character is referring to a past event that she and Lily both know about, and that the reader knows about, there's no need to include "I do not blame you for wanting to kill him", or "I know you're upset AT WHAT JAMES DID" (Lily already knows why she's upset, and so does Nat, as well as the reader). This would sounds very awkward in a conversation. Try to make their sentences more casual. And when you can't fit the words you want to in casually, add a descriptive break, like I did (Nat called from the other side of the bedroom door).
This sounds a lot more casual, and it lets the reader know who is speaking, to whom, and from where.
Overall: 4/10
I'm sorry again for the low score. Work on the grammar, descriptives, and the dialog, as those are the only weak areas you have.
It's a good story, so don't be discouraged. I'm rating you on how it's written, not what it's written about.
Again, this is no reason to be discouraged. I've never so much as given out a 7/10, so you could call me a harsh critic. You asked for constructive criticism, and I don't believe you'll be able to learn to write better if I flatter you with high scores where I honestly don't think there should be. If I gave you a high score, I think you deserved it, and the same goes for the low scores.
NEVER look at a low score as an insult, either! It's a way for improvement, and as such, can be considered one of the greatest compliments of all time!
Your friend,
Mad-Hatterbeginning: 3, language: 1, plot: 4, overall: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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We see that you are Potter crazy, indeed.
I would liked to have read this story very slowly. But you were in the Chatterbox clammering for a quick Read and Review by me. My nephew Cody age 15 who is Potter insane as well would greatly love this story.
I think that you write better than the original author of the Harry Potter series. You have a better feel of the Potter saga than she does. We should cover her in Chocolate Time, stick a jasminerose in her mouth, and let Moonlightwolf87 feed her to Red death. But this is just my opinion.
I am looking forward to visiting OZ after my novel gets published and earns me my first billion dollars. I shall look forward to meeting you then. We shall drink Red Cordials in a bar named Pokey Dotted Suede Wallpaper Joint. The drinks will be on me. If I spill mine it will be on you. Snort.
Sincerely, your new friend on Storywrite,
Rebel R. Rebel. P.S. And you know what the R. stands for.
So now...go and fork over my Five Star Rating for this raving review of ya outstanding piece of literary excellence.
Do not skimp on my stars because I rated this an 8. I am presently out of 9s and 10s or ye would have gotten a 10. Honestly. *crosses his cross your heart bra* Be glad ye got an 8 as this is my last one of them too. I been reading and rating and reviewing my little heart out here on Storywrite.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 8, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I thought that it was okay, but the spelling errors sort of threw me off. fix the spelling errors please/
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, overall: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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thanks for your help, i will go through and fix all the errors now that you have brought it to my attention
thanks 4 your help
Meaky
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Hey, there are only a couple of things i can pick up on, Harry's mother is called Lily not Lilly and it is the knight bus, not night. aslo, despite what you said later in the story, with Lily being a potions whiz, according to slughorn that is, there is no way that she would have believed Nat. just an idea, good luck.
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I like it....and I am now going to look at your main page to see if there is more....
Lexiebeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i will be posting a new story soon
Meaky
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