Coyote Ugly

Coyote Ugly

I was speed walking, pass the store fronts, and pass the drunken guy sitting on the curb. I walked faster than I've ever walked in my life. Not necessarily because I couldn't run, but because I really didn't feel like drawing attention to myself. Hey, speaking of which, I got a question to ask you, have you ever... well... ya know and then realized waaay too late that whatever it was you were doing wasn't what you wanted? Yea, I think they made a movie about that, whatsit called... Coyote Ugly. Ok, cool that's what we'll call this: Coyote Ugly. Well, then again, it's not quite like that. It might not even really be like that at all. Ok ok, I'll tell you about it and you decide. But don't judge me ok? But it was like this...

Now, I've never seen an actual coyote before, I'm told they look like dogs, not the men kind, the cute little ones. Nope, I don't quite know the name so we'll just leave it at that. Well, I was sitting in class, bored as usual.  People are so weird; they think that by trapping you in this god forsaken box, you'll learn stuff. Yea. whatever. Anyhow, I was trying to figure out which exit should be blocked off in case of emergency fire to ensure that several students (whom I highly dislike) would be disposed of painfully. After pondering the only six doors I could think of, I remembered there are windows too! By the time class was dismissed, I decided the best one would be

"The north east window?" a husky voice cut through my thoughts.

Great, some asshole on a fucking know-it-all bullshit ego trip.

"Excuse me?" was all I bothered saying over my shoulder as I grabbed my books off the table just about to head out the door. It's been a nightmarish two hour lecture about integrals; I was not in the mood to pretend I gave a shit about some stupid kid trying to flip a line.

"The north east window... that would have been my plan too. People like to run forward when they're scared for some reason or another. Beats me why" he says picking up one of my books. I watch him examine it, and a look of distaste flashes across his face before he hands it back to me.

"Listen, I don't know what you think you know about me, but I'm sure it's nothing. Stop judging me based off of what I read. And one more thing, if it was the north east window I hope you run towards that direction too." And with that I turned to leave shaking my head. Men, some of them are just like children.

***

"So are you always such a bitch? Or is it like you're giving some sort of special treatment? I mean I know men are stronger and smarter, but you don't have to pretend just to make yourself feel better." He says trying to keep up with me. Are you serious?

"No, see it's not that you're uninteresting and... how can I say this nicely? A complete egotistical bastard, it's that you're really uninteresting and you're a major complete egotistical bastard. Now, if you'll excuse me, some of us are attempting to get an education in school." I can't believe this guy! He's crazy! Who the hell follows you from one building to another, getting insulted the entire time, and still tries?

"So I'm thinking you should get dinner with me tomorrow. And then I'm thinking, I'm gonna take you home, and I'm thinking we're gonna have some sort of fun." Oh NO. I stop dead in my tracks and turn around.

"Listen, maybe you don't get it. Maybe you don't speak English or something, but let me put this in the most direct way possible. One, I think you're a complete dick. Two, I find you unbelievably unattractive. And three, get lost." This game was fun for maybe 10 minutes but having someone follow you from one building to another is downright creepy. And with that, I continue on my merry way. Well, I thought it was merry until

"So tomorrow, seven sound ok?" ...and he's still trying.

"Listen, sweetheart" I stop, he's crazy... "Does this combat boot suit you?" I say lifting my combat boot-clad leg about an inch off the ground "or will my foot up your ass suit you better?"

"Oh baby, I like it rough" He says with a smirk.

He's crazy. But I'll give him that, he's creative and crazy.

"Alright fine, 7pm but not longer than an hour... I would like to keep all my brain cells or at least retain as many as possible. I scribble down my friend's phone number on a sheet of paper along with her name and hand it to him. "Call me tonight" I say with a smirk.

"Sound's great." And with that he was gone. Finally, some peace and quiet... Or so I thought, see that's how the situation should have gone. He should have called Rachel and he shouldn't have been able to find my number. Instead...

***

Foo Fighters comes blaring through my Nextel speaker "If everything could ever feel this real forever, If anything could ever be this good again..." I take a look at the number, weird I don't recognize it. Eh, what's the harm? I flip open my phone

"Yo"

"You know, Nancy, it's not nice to lie" The voice sounds eerily familiar... oh dammit.

"I don't know what you're talking about but I'm busy and my name isn't Nancy"

"Sure it is. Look just give me a chance, I promise I'll make it worth your while."

"Well, I guess you got this far, why not? 7 tomorrow then, I promise no more tricks" I say, trying to formulate my next plan. But to be honest I'm starting to feel kind of bad for this guy. I'm also impressed he somehow got a date, and still has yet to introduce himself. To be honest, the way I see it, the less I know the better. I don't plan on staying that long anyway. What's the harm right?

"Cool. Tomorrow then, meet you at school?"

"Sure. Later" See that? That, my friends, is called mistake number 1.

***

Alright, I know you guys have to have little sisters; I know at least one of you does. Anyway, she stole my pants and I was stuck wearing this light whishy short blac skirt. That's right, just the way to send out the best signal huh? Yea, that was mistake number 2. Now here's the catch. The date was pretty good I think; I remember drink 1, 2, 6, 9... I think. And now for mistake number 3:

But the next thing I know we're stumbling into his apartment both of us reeking of Jack and Absolut. I'm cracking up about something really stupid and... you know, how weird the turtles have eyes! That's right!! Eyes! And not only do turtles have em, I bet ya fish do too! Bet you didn't know that one! Uggh, I don't feel so good.

"So can I get you anything?" He says fingertips absently yet deliberately tracing little circles lightly on my skin. It tickles.

Half cracking up I say "goldfish" and I break out in a giant fit of laughter. That's right ladies and gents! Goldfish! I'm guessing I wasn't supposed to say that. He looks kind of pissed. But you know, from this angle, he kind of looks like a pissed off monkey minus the hair. No, he looks like... ew, why is looking at me like that?

I feel... I think his name is Richard. Yes, Richard, move his arms up to my shoulders and rubbing them lightly. Ever so slowly he leans over and kisses my neck. It tickles! And again I'm cracking up. Richard looks like a goldfish monkey! YES! That's it!

More laughter. Oh man, he looks so pissed off. Okay, okay, I need to calm down now. He's a human man, that's right a human man! Oh man, this isn't working out right.

            "I told you I like it rough" He says trying to get me to be sexy. Yea, good luck buddy. Give me drinks number 1, 2, 6, 9 and then try. We got a real rocket scientist here! I'm still half laughing while he tries to undo his pants before I start laughing again.

But when I catch sight of him in his white socks and tighty whiteys, it was over. This guy must be at least 20 and he's still wearing those. Doubling over I knock into the edge of the bed frame. How the hell did we get here? I wonder silently still hysterically laughing. Oh man. Oh man.

"C'mon chill out Nancy. We're just having a good time" his voice is silky, smooth like glass... all the while he's pulling his pants back up. With that he takes my hand and guides it to his already hardened member. Shocked I take a look down and think to my self eh, why not? And play along. Between the mixture of his voice, the Jack, and Absolut, I'm really starting to lose it. Things are swimming and moving slow but fast at the same time and why is it so damn hot?

After what seems like a billion years, the clothes start to come off. My barely-there halter top was gently untied and taken off my body. His shirt came off to reveal a toned, tanned body, something I'm sure other women have worshipped before me. My skirt is lifted and he gently pulls down my soaked black thong and finally I'm getting in the mood. The combination of skin and heat is intoxicating. It's driving my already drunken self over the edge. I reach for his zipper, eager to see what I've got for the evening when.

What the hell is that? I stop, frozen and I'm starting at it. In all it's glory. It's... pointy. Oh no. Oh no. Oh my god. Now I really can't help it. My sheer amusement pours of me in a giant fit of giggles. It's pointy. I've never seen a pointy cock before. And he pierced it oh no no no no! That is a definite no in my book. He's looking at me, oh god. He wants me to do what?

"Um, are you sure it's supposed to look like that?" I'm still cracking up. Oh man he looks so pissed off. But that thing is waving in front of my face and all I can really conjure up is that it very much resembles a pierced pointy hot dog. Or perhaps... I'm not even sure I'll tell you when I remember.

Richard, however, is not very wise. See most would take this as a blow to their ego, instead, he tries to push my head down on his little pencil wiener. The thought of it nauseates me and I turn my head. Make it go away make it go away. And again, I crack up. This was the almighty Richard, Mister I got a big cock and men are smarter than women. Impatiently, he tries again. Oh hell no, I am not dealing with this shit.

"I think I need to go now." I say still laughing.

"Why? What?" He looks pissed off, angry, and confused.

"I said I think I have to go now" I'm picking up all my clothes and pulling them on as fast as humanly possible. The thought of that pointy thing with a ring is definitely freaking me out. ew.

"Yo what the fuck man? Seriously, you leave now, Imma tell everyone about you. You're easy. See, told you, men are smarter. So how about you sit down here and chill a while? We'll get a few drinks..." he's trying again.

SLAP.

"Fuck you." I say and walk out as fast as humanly possible. I speed walk pass the store fronts, and pass the drunken guy sitting on the curb. I walked faster than I've ever walked in my life. I walk that fast all the way back to my dorm.

Oh, and for the record, he did try to call me a slut. As for my vengeance? Well you're reading this aren't you? Hah, I heard he hasn't had a date in four months.