There Jake was standing in the middle of a crowded room. He was searching frantically for a way out - there wasn’t one. He was trapped. The room seemed to get smaller as Jake panicked. Right when Jake had had as much as he could take he awoke to find himself lying in his bed in his cramped dark room in a cold sweat. 1
Stunned, he began to think even his dreams were not an escape from reality anymore. Jake was the most popular sophomore at his school. He was dating the prettiest girl in school. Everyone believed he had the best life even he sometimes tried to fake himself into believing that. But then he went home and his lie was only a lie as his life snapped back into focus by a heavy slap across the face. 2
Jake’s face burned as he looked up at his father with hatred. His father, Stan was now screaming at him about not doing the dishes before he had left for school. Stan, with the strong smell of whiskey on his breath had taken up the habit of beating Jake three years prior, right after Jake’s mother had deserted them. Stan felt it was Jake’s fault that she had left. 3
Stan, after screaming decided he was ready fir another glass of whiskey. Stan walked away to scour the kitchen for another bottle. Jake ran full tilt to his room where he could feel safe for a few moments at least the worst of the blows wouldn’t come until later after Stan had polished off at least two more glasses of whiskey. Jake refused to let this man the one he once called dad get to him. He grabbed his book bag that he had placed next to his bed and began working in his homework. 4
Over an hour later as Jake just finished up his homework he heard Stan slam sown his third glass. Jake steadied himself for what he knew was soon to come. Almost no sooner had he thought that he heard Stan’s heavy feet on the wood floors. Stan’s footsteps were uneven and he was staggering. Just beyond Jake’s door his father bellowed, “Make me dinner, boy!” Jake jumped up and ran as fast as he could but just as he was almost to the kitchen his father grabbed him by his shirt collar. He yelled into Jake’s ear, “Where did you get these clothes?” Jake didn’t want to tell him the truth, that his girlfriend had bought them for him so he stammered, “No...nowhere, sir.” Stan laughed and slammed Jake up against the wall. Jake, gasping for air, tried to pick himself up off the floor, but couldn’t because of the sudden loss of oxygen. Stan smirking walked back to his whiskey satisfied with what he had done. Jake regaining his breath stood up slowly afraid that if he mad a noise Stan would come after him again. He quickly and quietly made his way to the kitchen and pulled out a frozen dinner for his father. 5
He himself was not given the luxury of eating in this house. Jake ate as much as he could while at school to try and sustain himself until the next day, god how he hated weekends. “Ding” Stan’s dinner was done, sometimes Jake would dream of slipping something into Stan’s supper but knew he could never pull it off. He quickly dished the hot food onto a plate and took it to Stan. Stan with a booming voice and a sly smile on his face said, “Boy, what took you so long?” Jake bowed his head in defeat and mumbled, “I’m sorry, sir.” Jake was forced to endure his father’s eating and every time his stomach growled there was a painful blow to his stomach. Stan just chuckled and finished off his last swig of whiskey. 6
He pushed his plate back at Jake and screamed that he better bring him another glass of whiskey and to wash the dishes. Jake began the dishes as he heard his father’s chair squeak unpleasantly. Jake braced himself and held tightly onto the grimy sink. Stan stumbled into the kitchen to where Jake was standing and gripped him firmly by the back of the neck. Stan, with a smile on his face, pushed his son’s face into the water filled sink. Jake panic stricken gasped for air, but his only response was the soapy water flowing down his throat. Jake screamed again but his screams fell on deaf ears, his father had finally snapped. Jake gave up the fight and let the water wash over him. Jake’s world went black and he was finally free.7
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Fantastic
This was fantastic Toxic I really enjoyed this you've got some amazing talent here keep up the good work
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Nice Job
Wow, what a story! I was really expecting this to be the first part of a longer story, so the ending came as quite a surprise. You have a couple of typos, "fir" instead of "for" in line 4, and towards the end of line 5 you missed the "e" on made. One suggestion I have, if you wanted to make the story a little longer, is to perhaps provide a reason for Stan "snapping". Some kind of an incident that pushes him from abuse to murder. It's too bad Jake dies at the end. Unless you bring Jake back to life somehow so he can get revenge on Stan? Just an idea. I hate it when the bad guys win. lol Nice job, keep up the great work!
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