On the Ledge

Levi Randall stood calmly on the bridge, her soft gaze directed on the swirling water of the river below her. One bloody arm hung loosely at her side while the other was wrapped tightly around a supporting beam of the bridge. Her heart thudded recklessly in her chest, making her doubt the confidence she felt.1

Drip, drop; drip, drop. Small drops of blood fell from the tips of her fingers and splashed by her feet but she didn't notice. Before, she had tried to stop the bleeding but too many wounds had broken open and she had given up-the way she had so many times before.2

Each wound had a purpose, a reason for being cut there on her arm, and each held a memory of pain. Levi had been thirteen when she had discovered the blade. She didn't know where it had come from; it was just there, hidden away among the various odds and ends in her dresser drawer. She remembered the cool touch of the blade on her paper thin skin and the pleasing way it had cut, exposing the warm red blood beneath. Ever since that one small cut, she had come to depend on the blade in all her times of hurt and pain. Before coming to the bridge she had hidden the blade. Levi couldn't bear to make it suffer the same fate she was going to, for it had been far to helpful and had taken away so much pain. She hid it in hopes that maybe some day it would help someone through their hard times the same way that it had help her through hers.3

The bleeding wounds on Levi's arm weren't the only ones that were trying to heal; the other wounds were on the inside, she couldn't see them but she could feel the pain they created everyday. The wounds made by the hatred of a world that she was taught to love, but no longer could.4

Part of her was gone, lost among the swirling water; but part of her was still there. Perhaps it was the wiser part, the part that knew plunging to a watery death wasn't going to solve anything but that part of her had also long since give up and no longer voiced its opinion.5

Levi's head was spinning with thoughts of life and death, love and hate; spinning and swirling just like the river below her. The arm she had wrapped tightly around the beam slowly began to loosen bit by bit until it was hanging down by her side. The river was calling hungrily, erging her to jump. Jump! Jump! Do it and there will be no more pain! Jump!6

As Levi listened to the hungry calls, her arms began to move up slowly until they were stretched out at her sides. Just as she was assuring herself that the river was right, all she had to do was jump and all the pain would by gone forever, her cell phone rang. The noise was so unexpected and surprised her so much that she almost went tumbling over the side of the bridge. The river seemed to let out a roar, as if upset by this sudden interuption and delay. She grasped the beam with both hands and held on firmly until she was sure she could keep her balance without it. The cell phone kept ringing, she let go of the beam with one hand and fumbled in her pocket for the phone. Without even bothering to find out who was calling she tossed the phone into the river. It seemed like forever before the cell phone finally splashed into the raging river. After swallowing the phone, the river calmed down a bit and went back to the swirling, hyptonizing way it had been before.7

Levi hesitated a moment, then reached up and unfastened the golden chain around her neck. Hanging from the chain was a golden ring. She smiled at the memories the ring brought to mind--valentines day, a thornless rose, a Stephen King book. Then without a second thought she tossed the ring into the river the same way she had the phone. Just before the river swallowed it; the sun caught the ring in one of its golden rays, causing it to glimmer and shine, then it was gone. Next came her CD player; she had no idea why but since she had fed everything else she had to the river, it seemed like a pretty good idea to get rid of the one of the things that had gotten her through all the hard times--her music. 8

As she watched the CD player tumble into the rivers open mouth, song lyrics began to run through her mind. Another song that was meant to comfort people like her, make them feel that there's hope for tomorrow. Songs that told her everything would be alright, everything would be okay and that when it came to this world and your life you had to take the good with the bad but she knew it was all bullshit. Sure everyone had been here before, everyone knew what it felt like to have these wounds inside, and everyone knew what it felt like when you were on your own and alone in the world but not everyone was meant to make it through unharmed. The world was cruel; the more people it broke down and devoured, the stronger it became. Levi was one of the weak and the world was slowly breaking her down.9

"I've been on that ledge countless times." she sang the words quietly to herself as she raised her arms straight out once again. "You've been on that ledge countless times but I'm on that ledge right now!" The river roared its approval of her choice to carry out her plans and she smiled her best smile, the way a performer might smile their appreciation at a standing ovation from an audience. Levi stood proudly above the water and savored her final moments of glory, then she took her bow. 10