Death is only the beggining

‘Damn’ Daemon thought ‘why won’t they tell me anything’. Daemon was stood in a hospital waiting room; she started pacing up and down the narrow room. She was so worried; she shot a sad look at Newra who was crying. ‘Shainaz why? I’m so sorry, what have we done to make you feel like this, what’s the matter? Why wont you walk to us anymore, I love you, you know I do’ her thoughts were going around and around in her head, mixing up and confusing. 1

A nurse came in ‘She’s fighting for life, she lost a lot of blood and you do know that we’ll have to contact social services’ we nodded and mumbled a reply. ‘You may go through and see her now’ add the nurse before walking out, Newra and I quickly followed her out of the waiting room and into Recess where Shainaz was connected to with all sorts of wires, the only sound that they could hear was the soft beeping noise of the cardiogram she was hooked up to. Daemon’s eyes flicked to Shainaz’s wrists where she saw 50 or so red jagged cuts. Daemon guess that she had done it with either a sharp knife or a razorblade, the latter was more likely. She shuddered and thought 'Why..? Why...? Oh god no'.

She could feel tears well up in her eyes and a salty tear slid down her cheek, she staggered helplessly backwards. Her mascara was smudging as torrents of tears were now raging down her face. Newra ran out of the room, she was in pieces but Daemon decided not to run after her as she was a mess herself. She stood up and walked slowly over to Shainaz, her hand reached out and touched her face and whispered ‘Keep fighting we all love you please Shainaz, please, please…’ Daemon's voice faded out as she started sobbing again.

A tear dripped onto Shainaz’s face, and her eyelids flickered, Daemon looked down quickly and called ‘Shainaz? Shainaz…?’ Her eyelids flickered again and took a long deep breath; she called for a nurse and quickly told her that she thought Shainaz was awaking. 2

Newra ran back into the room and gasped ‘W...What’s happened? Is she ok?’ she asked starting panic. The nurse smiled and reassured her ‘Nothing has happened; she’s making good progress though’. Newra sighed in relief, and then remembered why she was here in the first place.
‘This is all you’re fault; you know why she did this don’t you?’ she asked Daemon with anger in her voice, ‘No…yes but it’s not my fau…’ she replied, braking off sobbing. She sat down beside the hospital bed that Shainaz was in and laid her head on her arms and just sat
there sobbing with Newra Glaring silently at her.

Daemon was crying gently when she suddenly felt a hand play with her hair; she slowly looked up and saw that Shainaz was awake. ‘Oh my god Shainaz why…?’ she started before Newra cut in. ‘Honey why? Why? What have I done to make you feel like this?’ she asked franticly. But before Shainaz could answer a nurse and a doctor came rushing in asking Shainaz all sorts of questions while Newra and Daemon where hurried out of the room. A nurse showed them into the corridor where they watched Shainaz and the doctors. They were stood there for about 15 minutes until they were told they could go back in to see her.

When they were back with Shainaz she smiled weakly, ‘Shainaz why? Why? What have I done to make you feel this way’ asked Newra quietly but Shainaz didn’t answer so Daemon tried asking her ‘Please what have I done? Talk to us please’ her voice sounded calm but behind it there was a tone of hurt, love and guilt. Shainaz looked away with tears in here eyes before answering ‘I...I did it to save you I couldn’t bear hurting you anymore. I am just sick of life as I can’t seem to do anything right.’ She then began silently crying while
Daemon and Newra thought this over. After a few minutes Daemon said ‘I’m so sorry hun I never meant to hurt you’
‘It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s, if anybody’s it’s mine’
‘I’m so glad you’re ok though, I mean....’ Daemon looked at Newra quickly 'we are both glad, please never again’ after saying this she sighed in relief. ‘Oh god’ she thought ‘What have I done? I’ve ruined everything. It’s all my fault. I started it all’ Shainaz looked up into Daemon's face ‘Ann I know what you’re thinking, please don’t blame it on yourself’ but Daemon just looked away tears sliding down her face.

‘Shainaz please don’t read my mind like that, it’s scary’.
‘Sorry’ she muttered in reply looking genuinely sad.
‘Don’t worry about it; everything is going to be ok’ Said Newra, more to reassure herself than Shainaz. ‘Yeah’ added Daemon ‘we’ll sort everything out’. Daemon reached down and kissed Shainaz on the forehead sadly. Daemon turned around to see Newra give her an evil look ‘She’s my girlfriend, you remember that’ Newra said with malice. Daemon turned to face Shainaz with tears in her eyes ‘How could I forget you show it off in my face all the time but I know things you don’t’ She retorted.

Newra was just about to ask her what she meant when the machine that she was hooked up to started beeping and flat lined. Daemon started screaming and Newra started sobbing Shainaz. ‘SHAINAZ?? SHAINAZ?? OH MY GOD SHAINAZ!!??’ Daemon started screaming again then started crying in a corner muttering her name over and over again. The crash team came in and tried to resuscitate Shainaz.

After about 3 minutes the beeping noise became more subdued and quiet, looked up to see that the machine was now making a regular shaped line. Daemon sighed in relief ‘Oh my god, what happened?’

Newra came over and shoved Daemon out of the way ‘Shainaz please just help us here’. Shainaz looked away from Newra but talked to her ‘don’t push Daemon out of the way like that, I know you don’t like her but I do, very much so’ she said tiredly ‘I don’t know anymore’ She sobbed quietly. 3

Shainaz tried to sit up but because of the blood loss she felt dizzy and lay back down. ‘I really want to get out of this hell hole’ she said with meaning, her startling green eyes looking around the room, her black and red hair brushing the pillow as she moved her head. “We’ll try getting you out soon….” Daemon said knowing that Shainaz wouldn’t be out of here for a while. ‘But I think social services are going to want to talk to you later’ she added. Shainaz sighed she knew Daemon was right, after what she had done they weren’t going to let her go that easily. Daemon heard Newra come back and draw up a chair beside Shainaz’s bed, her eyes red and puffy from crying, her long hair was a mess. Although Daemon didn’t like Newra she felt sorry for her, this had got to be hard for her but it didn’t stop her making snide remarks. Newra was thinking back to when, before Shainaz flat lined, Daemon had said about knowing things she didn’t, she wandered what it was that Shainaz hadn’t told her. She looked up towards Shainaz then at Daemon. Shainaz had a look of exhaustion and hopelessness and Daemon had the same dreamy expression that she always had when she was around Shainaz but it was masking another emotion, one that Newra couldn’t place. ‘Daemon what did you mean earlier when you said you knew things I didn’t?’ Newra began to ask nervously in case she didn’t like the answer. Daemon didn’t reply straight away but smiled to herself ‘Are you sure you want to know?’ she said slyly answering a question with another one, already knowing what was going to be answer but right on cue Shainaz flashed her eyes in warning at Daemon as if saying don’t you dare ‘But why shouldn’t I? It’s not lies now is it?’ Daemon said spitefully not expecting an answer. Shainaz looked away with tears in her eyes and Daemon instantly looked guilty ‘I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to ...’ she started but she could see it was no use; she had pushed it too far this time. Daemon sat watching Shainaz sleep, ‘Oh god everything IS my fault and I can’t do anything to stop it now’ she thought to herself. She gently, so as not to wake her, turned over Shainaz’s arm to see the cuts again. Her eyes brimmed with tears, the spilled and came like a tidal wave; she had been holding them back all evening. Some of her tears dripped onto Shainaz’s arm, the cuts they had landed on seemed to heal almost instantly leaving just a faint white scar, Daemon stopped crying, she was shocked and did a double take, but still half the cuts on Shainaz’s arm were now just faint lines. ‘Newra’ she called still shocked, ‘look’, and Newra woke up with a start and jumped off the chair she was sitting on and walked towards where Daemon was, She was Shainaz’s arm and gasped. ‘How the hell?’ she asked, clearly as shocked as Daemon ‘I…I don’t know, I was crying and some of my tears dripped on her arm and….’ She replied not really understanding herself. She puzzled over it her expression showing that she was very confused.

It was the next morning and Daemon’s sleep had been fit full and kept waking with a start then finding it hard to get back to sleep, trying to sleep in a hard plastic chair probably didn’t help. She looked at her watch it read 7:10 and she decided to go and find a drinks machine and something to eat, she asked a nurse to tell either Newra or Shainaz where she was then left. After she had eaten she went outside and called Shadow, her best friend. ‘Shadow?’
‘Hey what’s up?’ Shadow replied ‘it’s a bit early your not usually up yet’ she added quizzically.
‘Um well I’m at the hospital....’ She started to explain but got cut off by Shadow sounding instantly worried.
‘Oh my god why what’s happened? Are you ok?’ Shadow interjected.
‘Yeah I’m fine but Shainaz isn’t, she… she…’ Daemon broke off sobbing quietly.
‘Oh Daemon I’m coming, I’ll be there soon, at about 8:30, I hope your ok’ Shadow said almost crying herself quickly rang off.

Daemon walked back to the private room that Shainaz was in; Newra looked up when she entered the room but didn’t say anything. ‘Your awake then’ She stated softly as not to awaken Shainaz, ‘I called Shadow, she’ll be here soon, maybe you should go get something to eat’ she suggested kindly as she was too tired to be mean. Newra nodded, stood up and walked to the door silently. Daemon could tell that she wasn’t handling things very well.

Daemon sat in the chair beside Shainaz’s bedside. Shainaz stirred, her ashen face was lit up by the pale sunlight coming in through the small window. She reached out and touched Shainaz’s face with her hand, she smiled weakly. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping. 4

Shadow walked in, her face pale and drawn, she too looked worried and scared.
‘Daemon, oh god why? She asked with unmasked sadness in her voice.
‘I…we don’t know but I feel so guilty, I know it’s my fault. Somehow’ Daemon replied, expecting shadow to say that it wasn’t her fault, but she knew deep down that it was.
‘Oh hun it wasn’t your fault, how could it of been?’ Shadow was quick to defend her.
‘I kept pressuring her, having a go, being mean and I’m sure that it didn’t help. Newra blames me. Now I feel so helpless, so sorry.’ Daemon retorted, obviously on the verge of crying. Shadow didn’t say anything but came closer to her and gave her a much needed hug. She held her in her arm for what seemed like ages for Shadow. When they finally let up Shadow’s eyes scanned Shainaz’s face with wide black eyes. Shainaz’s eyelids fluttered, she was awaking.

‘Shadow!’ Shainaz exclaimed quietly. She was obviously surprised that Shadow was here.
‘What happened?’ Shadow asked no one in particular, she didn’t expect and answer as it was clear as to what had happened. Shainaz’s eyes scanned her arm, which wasn’t in as much pain as it had been the night before, and realized that more than half the cuts had been healed. She looked up at daemon in surprise, her green eyes made contact with Daemons momentarily before Daemon broke the gaze.
‘I healed you’ she said matter-of-factly but her eyes shone with confusion, ‘I really don’t know how but I healed you’ she added. Shainaz nodded and didn’t even ask how; it was as if it she knew it was going to happen.

Newra walked back into the room, her face wasn’t so pale now that she had, had something to eat. She then noticed shadow and silently gave a small wave. She then walked over to Shainaz and gave her a hug, and as she released she held out Shainaz’s arm gently and looked at the few cuts that were left. She shook her head; her long dirty blond hair flying out behind her, she, like Daemon felt helpless and thought it was all her fault.

Shadow looked from Newra, to Shainaz, to Daemon, there was an unpleasant atmosphere in the room and they could all feel it. Shadow sensed that there was an underlying problem that everyone was avoiding.
‘What really happened? She asked cautiously, nervous or the answer. The reaction was immense. Shainaz had sighed then looked away, with tears brimming in her eyes. Newra glared angrily at Daemon then quickly glared at shadow for asking the question and Daemon had just broken down into tears. Shadow decided that it wasn’t worth asking again as she could tell that they were on the brink of an explosion.

Daemon was very quiet. Silent tears were flowing down her cheeks. Shainaz tried to pick up on her thoughts but Daemon was getting better at blocking her out. ‘I can’t take this anymore’ she thought to herself ‘Everything is just a vicious circle of mistrust, hatred and betrayal. Deep down Shadow hates Shainaz because I love her and I hate Newra because Shainaz loves her and its all way to complicated.’

Daemon ran from the room in tears, everybody looked, up startled. Shadow quickly got and up and followed her, but Daemon managed to loose her.

She ran into the toilets and into an empty cubicle. She took a full bottle of aspirin and a small bottle of vodka out of her jacket pocket. She knew she was going to need them. She downed each pill in a shot of vodka and by the time she had finished she had drunk nearly the whole bottle of vodka. She quickly downed the rest of it and threw the empty pill bottle and the vodka bottle into the bin.

A solitary tear slid down her cheek as she wrote the notes to each of them. One was addressed to Shainaz, one to shadow and the last to Newra. She signed each of them with: this is not the last goodbye.

By the time she had finished she was starting to feel dizzy and queasy but she was calming herself down with the fact that she was only going to be waiting a few minutes for her release of life. Her head started to feel light and she could hardly see straight through the silent waves of tears. She sat down on the toilet seat lid, her legs tucked underneath her so no one could see that she was in there. She heard Shadow rush in and shout ‘Daemon?’ Daemon, are you in here?’ but when she got no answer she left.

It took three quarters of an hour for the pills to take full effect. Daemon felt very drowsy and was falling in and out of consciousness. She felt herself drift off, away from her body. Her spirit was rising above the coughing, spluttering, dying body; it sat in a dark corner of the toilets waiting for her final breaths. She reassured herself ’I can’t undo what can’t be undo. Not even if I tried and they can’t save me now’ As she felt herself fading away into the darkness she cried out her one final goodbye to all who she loved and with her one final breath she screamed out that she did it to save them all. Then her pain and memories were no more.

Shainaz looked up startled, ‘did you hear that?’ She whispered to Newra and shadow.
‘Yeah it sounded like Daemon’s voice but I didn’t catch what is said though’ Shadow replied, clearly panicking.
‘I heard it all perfectly’ said Shainaz who was in tears. Newra just looked confused and thought that they had both gone mad as she hadn’t heard anything.
‘Shai, what was it?’ Shadow breathed.
‘She…she cried out goodbye and… and that she did it to save us… oh god no’ the tears choking the words. They both felt so helpless and they were both a mess. Finally Newra spoke up ‘we have to find her quickly!’ Grabbing Shadow’s arm as she turned out the door.
‘The toilets are the most obvious place’ Newra stated, she was in control as shadow hadn’t stopped crying since Shainaz had told her what she heard. They ran towards the toilets and there was only one cubical that was in use.
‘Daemon!!’ Newra screamed, but there was no answer so she used all her force to break down the cubical door. Daemon was slumped on the floor, unconscious.

Shadow screamed, she went over towards to Daemons pocket where she could see three envelopes sticking out. They were addressed to Shainaz, Newra and herself. She handed Newra hers with tears sliding shamelessly down her face. A nurse came running in and checked her pulse while Shadow and Newra stood watching, their faces grave. Shadow’s once dark eyes now glows with hot angry tears ‘How could she do this to us?’ she thought to herself, she felt like screaming. The nurse looked up but not into either of their eyes ‘I’m sorry…’ She started but she didn’t get chance to say the rest as shadow had already guessed and was sobbing uncontrollably. Even Newra had tears in her eyes and she tried to comfort shadow.

They walked slowly back to Shainaz’s room, not knowing what to say. When they entered Shainaz looked up quickly ‘Is she ok?’ she asked but she needed no answer, from the look on shadow’s face and the tears in her eyes she could tell what had just happened.
‘No, no, no, oh my god, no’ She wept freely without release. Not looking her in the face shadow handed Shainaz her note. It read:5


Shainaz,
I’m so sorry to have done this but I felt so helpless. I knew I wasn’t needed and I felt as if I was invading and didn’t belong so I’m sorry please forgive me. Your cutting made me feel useless as I knew I could help. I know I promised you I wouldn’t become like you but I guess I can’t keep that kind of promise. Now you can go on and live your life and be happy without any heart ache from me. But please don’t forget me as I am released from this life of pain. Don’t blame yourself; I brought on my own downfall. I will always remember you and I did this to save you. Please forgive me. I love you.
This is not the last goodbye.
Xxx6

Shainaz broke down crying. ‘It’s all my fault, she died because of me, how can I ever forgive myself’ she thought as waves of guilt and sadness washed over her. Shadow saw what the note had done to Shainaz and opened her note warily and carefully. Hers read:7

Shadow,
I know I promised you I wouldn’t leave if you didn’t and I’m so sorry for breaking that promise but it all became to much for me . Please don’t hate me and what ever you do don’t follow my path. Life you live to the full. But please don’t forget me as I released from this life of pain. I will always love you. I did this to save you.
This is not the last goodbye.
Xxx

Like Shainaz had, Shadow started crying. She didn’t know what to think or do anymore, nothing was complete without her.

Newra watched both of their reactions, she hadn’t felt as sad as they had when Daemon died but tears still welled up in her eyes. She wondered what her note held the answers to and decided to open hers as cautiously as Shadow had. Newra’s note read:8


Newra,
I’m sorry I was ever mean to you, I guess I was just jealous as you had something, someone, I desperately wanted, needed. I know you never liked me anyway but I can’t help that now. I’m sorry if this has hurt any of you really badly but I couldn’t exactly expect it not to. And I know it’s selfish. I’m telling you all this as you’re the one who is least likely to be the most upset and you’ll read it with rational thought. The thing I know that you don’t is that; she loved me back!
Xxx9

Now even Newra was crying, I wasn’t like her and she told herself uselessly to pull herself back together but no matter how hard she tried it didn’t work. She was surprised at herself because she expected herself to be angry but she wasn’t, she was just sorry and upset.

Shainaz pulled everyone into a big hug and they stayed like that for hours, just silently curled up, remembering happy times with their lost friend. Wishing she could come back somehow. Little did they know that Daemon’s spirit was floating just above them smiling down, she was finally happy, for her end had come.
10

11

Epilogue12

Shadow had been waiting for over an hour in the small, stuffy waiting room, the smell of pine too strong to bear. Posters were all over the walls, but she didn't take any notice of them at all. Her thoughts were somewhere else, in her 'Dreamland', everyone called it. She was waiting for her best friends to turn up.

She was at a Funeral Arrangement centre, sat alone in the corner of the room staring out of the window into the bright sky, whilst the Secretary scribbled annoyingly over many sheets of paper, occasionally answering a ringing telephone. 13

She couldn't stand it any longer, she was aware of everything around her, and it was the last place she wanted to be at that moment. She got to her feet, grabbing her black leather jacket. Her sudden movement had caught the woman secretary's attention, and she watched as Shadow walked over to the door and swung it open, and stopped at the sight of her friends, who were equally still and staring too.
"Err...bad time?" Sadfer asked, in a funny tone, trying to get them to laugh. Once again she had failed. Everything was different, ever since the death of their best friend, they'd all been quiet, secluded, all apart from Sadfer, who even when sad, could crack a joke, but no-one seemed to hear anymore.

Shadow shook her head briefly, before pushing past them into the street. She didn't care what they were thinking, she just ran, and found herself at home.

Sitting down at her desk, after avoiding her mum's questions, she tried to calm down, but it was easier said than done. Her mind was racing with different thoughts, and her heart was beating so hard she thought she'd burst. She stared a moment into the black flickering screen of the TV, then blinked, trying to rid her eyes of tears. Within a few moments she had already begun to brake down, hugging her pillow to her as she cried, tears staining her cheeks and making her eyes red.

Not caring about the fact that her door wasn't locked, she grabbed her black scissors, and began to run the blade down her arm, watching and not wincing, shaking with the sobs, as crimson blood ran down her arm, over her wrist and into her palm.

The next day she walked into school, her fleece sleeves covering the scars that hadn't yet healed properly. She didn't answer when her friends called to her from the usual meeting spot, she just gazed at them, seeing right through them. Someone was missing from that group, and she'd never forget it, and never try to go back to the way things were before, like the others were doing. Because the truth was, it could never be like it was before. Her whole world was built around her best friends, she'd already be dead if she didn't have them, but to her, Daemon was the best of all friends.

"Heylo!" Sadfer said to Shainaz, trying to get her attention. Shadow pretended to be on the same planet as them, saying hi back and sitting on the bench while they laughed, although she could tell their laughs weren’t real. They were all someone being fake, especially Shainaz.

"Why did you suddenly run out of the Funeral place thingy?"
"Why do think?" Shadow snapped back, hating herself for being horrible to her friends, when they were the only ones actually keeping her from the grave.
"Hey listen; just try to forget about everything ok, we're having to." Shainaz said, leaning on Newra’s shoulder.
"That's easy for you to say. I can't go around pretending nothing happened, hoping it'll just go away and we'll wake up one day and find Daemon's still with us, because that wont happen. That's just a load of bollocks."
"Wait, I never said that-"
"You never said it but you still mean it."
"Bollocks!"
Newra tried to calm us down while Sadfer retreated to behind the fence, looking worried. We all knew she hated arguments.
"Both of you calm down ok!"
Shadow and Shainaz went quiet, glaring slightly at each other.
"You'd come and help everyone else with the funeral if you cared." Shainaz said, trying to sound a little friendlier, but it was obvious Shadow had upset her.
"I care more than you do. You're all just trying to pretend everything’s ok, but you’re just tricking yourselves."
"I care as much as anyone here!"
"It's your fault that she's fucking dead!"
"For God's sake stop shouting at her, and it's not her fault! She just couldn't take it." Newra shouted, looking angry. Shadow didn't actually care anymore.
"The only thing she could think about was you, and you deliberately tried to make it worse!"
"Oh yeah and how did I make it worse?"
"Cutting your wrists for one!"
"Don't be a hypocrite!"
Shadow shut up at that, not knowing what to say. Shadow could feel her arms through the fleece, her skin hot around the scars, and she knew Shainaz was right, she never made it easier either. 14

She grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder and began to walk away, looking out for teachers.
"You'll get caught!" Sadfer shouted over to her, but she smiled slightly and whispered to herself, "It won’t stop what has to happen."

Around half an hour later she was looking over the water under the Tamar Bridge, listening to the roaring traffic behind her, and the birds chirping to one another, remembering when she had found her best friend unconscious in the toilets. She was on the floor, a bottle of vodka lying beside her pale hand, an empty carton of pills in the sink. She remember someone calling for a nurse while she stood frozen, shaking, hoping what she was thinking would never come true. She remembered braking down in tears for what seemed like the first time in a lifetime, when the nurse lifted her hand away from my friends pulse, her head shaking, muttering a meaningless "Sorry."

Her eyes glistened with tears, she wished with all of her might that it hadn't happened, but she knew nothing would be reversed.
"You cannot undo what cannot be undone." That had been one of Daemon's often quotes, which had always made Shadow think of her own death. She had never believed Daemon would do it, not really, so it had been a huge shock when she had died.
The water glistened like her tears, the ones that made her cheeks sting in the cold wind, her hair blow out around her face. She could feel her throat getting tighter as she gulped down more tears, her throat dry. She pulled herself up onto the bars, dangling her legs over the water far down below. There was around two percent out of one hundred chance of surviving a fall like that, and when she realized that one day she wouldn't be able to take any more of life, she knew that drowning would be her way of leaving. Painless. You'd fall so hard that the water would shock your body, sending you into a fit or unconsciousness, then you'd slowly drift under the water, and float away from reality, and life.

Closing her eyes, she whispered "I'm sorry. For everything." under her breath, then let her grip loosen on the bars, her body fall forwards into the air, her bag slip from her arm and go falling beneath her, splashing into the water when she was still only three quarters of a way down. That's when the thought ran through her head, and she knew that she wanted to live inside of her friends, to watch them, see if they actually did care about her, but she knew the answer. The shock of the water didn’t do what she thought it would. She instantly froze her arms and legs to cold and shocked to move. No... She thought weakly, shutting her eyes as water filled her lungs, slicing her throat as she inhaled the water, gasping for breath. Then everything left her. Her love for Daemon. Her friendship with Shainaz, Sadfer and Newra. Her painful dreams. Her will to live.

-x-

Daemon stood on the bridge, swaying slightly, and tears rushing down her already damp cheeks. Her soft dark hair glowing with the light of the sun. Her wide green eyes had a glazed over expression which portrayed how distraught she was. She watched as Shadow tried to take the route she had only a few days before. She felt so helpless knowing she couldn't stop her and oh so very guilty knowing that it was her fault that Shadow was about to do it. 'Shadow!' exclaimed Daemon, trying desperately to make contact with her distraught best friend, but as usual she wasn't heard. 'Shadow!!!'She tried again but again with no reply.

Shadow stepped up onto the ledge, her hair flying madly behind her. The blood red jagged marks on her arms looked angry against her pale skin. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as she contemplated whether to jump.
Daemon willed her not to, she pleaded with the air, with the earth, with the water, anything to stop the inevitable it wasn't fair on Shadow to die because of her she thought with pity echoing around her. Shadow stepped off, and began falling into the pale shimmering mass that was to be her death.

Daemon flew after her, her weightless body gliding easily. She braced her self for the pain that was never going to come. By the time she had hit the bottom she had known it was too late, that Shadow's body would be in shock and her heart would have stopped beating.

Daemon sat down on the muddy bank not knowing what to do anymore, the guilt racked her more than she had expected it to, she just couldn't believe that she had done it. Done it because of her. She then regretted what she had done, the pain she had caused the others but as she had always said she couldn't undo what can't be undone.

She suddenly heard her name being called and turned around with tears rolling down her face. She gasped, she couldn't believe it. Behind her with long shiny black bedraggled hair and soaking wet clothes stood Shadow smiling down at her 'I always told you I'd follow' she whispered not caring about a thing. Like Daemon she had gotten her end.

Shainaz glared ahead, this couldn't be happening. First Daemon, now Shadow. She yelled out, her delicate fist connecting with the already battered wall. This time a crack appeared, spreading two or three foot out. She let out a sob. She felt so torn apart. This whole thing was her fault. Both of their suicides where her fault.
'If I hadn't tried, Daemon wouldn't of............' her mental thought trailed off.
"Shai?" A voice whispered from behind the door. It was Newra. "Shai? Are you OK in there?"
"I'm fine....leaving me alone...."
"OK..."
She heard footsteps move from the door.
"Why Daemon? Why............." She turned to lean against the wall, sliding down it, tears pouring from her green eyes. "How could you do this?" She wrapped her pale arms around her legs, crying into her knees. She knew she couldn't opt out on them. Not like Shadow had. Else it would be one suicide after another. She chose the other option instead. She stood up sharply. Swinging open the door, coming face to face with a startled Sadfer, holding a cup of tea for her.
"I...I brought this for you...." She whispered quietly.
"Thank you Sadfer." Shainaz had managed to say with a smile. Sadfer smiled back, handing the cup over before scooting away. Everyone had become scared of her lately, her anger uncontained. She let out a sigh. She went back into her room and placed the cup on the side. Picking up a piece of paper and a pencil. She started to sketch her feelings. Exactly how she felt. Soon a picture of a young girl in an embrace. She was dead, limp. A shadowed figure held her. Sexless, faceless. Only a figure made of shadow.

After a few hours work she placed the pencil down. Another rap at the door.
"Shai?" Newra again.
"What!?" She snapped in reply.
"You where quiet, I just wanted to make sure your OK."
"I'm fine alright!?" Shainaz was back to being moody. She stood up and threw open the door, storming past Newra.
"Shai! Shai! Wait up!" Newra cried catching up.
"Go away! Leave me alone!" she cried, turning around to face Newra. "I am not a newborn baby! I do not need a bloody baby sitter! If you’re scared of me topping myself off, don't worry!" She said spinning on her heel, leaving the small flat.15

***16

Shainaz looked about the bridge. A small creek. Small village. Small everything. But above all, small amount of people around. She sighed. Why did this have to happen to her. She leaned against the wood. The scars and newly made cuts made her arms ache. The wind blew her hair around her face. A bruise adorned her left cheek. A sign of her hatred for herself. She was put here for her own good. That was her mum's words. Violent, uncontrollable, self destructive, always fighting. She had scared all her friends away.
At least here she was alone. In her own little cottage. Visited by none. She got her most interesting art pieces done in this pain free place. By now she was 25. Alone. No one. Newra had left her after that day when she stormed out. She had come back and hit Sadfer. She had broken her jaw. She hadn't meant to. But her anger got the better of her. She shook her head. No one cared about her anymore. What did anyone care.

She went back into the cottage. Sitting down at her mahogany desk. She pulled out three pieces of paper. She wrote three names. Newra, Mum and Kitty. On each she wrote a letter. Apologizing for her behavior. The way she treated them. Simple little things she knew would mean a lot to them. Finishing them a spidery signature she put her pen down. She went over to the kitchen. She picked up the kitchen knife she had been using to cut the Chicken she was making for dinner. She gripped the knife, and then drove it into her stomach. Blood rushed up her throat into her mouth, spilling over red lips.
"Forgive me..." She managed to whisper before wrenching the knife out and slitting her own throat...

***17

Daemon had spent her time wandering around the earth. Shadow, as always, was with her. Since they had died they had kept watch over their past friends to make sure they came to no harm. Sadfer had grown up to be a zoologist, as she loves animals so much. Shainaz had ended up in a mental institute which Daemon was more than sad about, she had become dangerous and upset. Daemon could sense that she thought that Daemon and Shadow committing suicide was her fault.18

***19

Daemon leaped up, her eyes once again filled with tears. 'No!' she screamed in anguish 'No you can't! You can't take the same path!'. Shadow tried to comfort Daemon but with no effect. 'No she can't kill herself' she pleaded in her mind, her thoughts swirling around in her head making her dizzy. She reached out to steady herself, her eyes blinded by tears. She watched Shainaz drive the knife into her stomach, then across her neck. Shadow watched with horror, they had both thought that she was going to be ok and that Shadow's suicide had been the last, after each suicide the pain never got easier. Ten years it had been.
'At least she'll be here' Shadow said grimly, knowing that it wasn't that much consolation. And as they watched the life pour out of the veins in her neck, the puddle on the floor was growing and Shainaz had long ago lost consciousness. The knife had fallen from her open hand and clattered against the hard stone floor but Daemon was dumb, deaf and blind at that moment. Her worst nightmare had come true.20

'Pineapple!' Daemon heard some one squeak, she turned around as she had recognized the voice. Like last time, there was Shainaz stood behind her as if nothing had ever happened, her face was brightened and she looked happier than she had done in years although in her eyes was the faintest glimmer of fear. 'Daemon! Shadow!' she exclaimed obviously surprised that they were there 'Fancy meeting you here...hang on didn’t I just die? and err where are we?' she asked looking around her and seeing that she was still in her cottage, but on the floor lay her body in a shallow pool of blood. She gasps not quite believing that she had finally done it.
'No one believes it but death isn't the end' said Shadow in response, 'In fact it is only the beginning'.
21