Sally was at the tricky part of a white mud cake when she heard the doorbell ring. “Go round the back,” she yelled thinking it was Mikey home from school early.
“G’day? I’ve com ta fix the door,” said a robust voice that startled her by its nearness.
She looked up and saw a portly man in overalls aged in his late forties or early fifties, smile at her through the half open screen door. 1
“Oh…sorry. I thought you were someone else,” she said belatedly.
He grinned and looked years younger as his face lit up. “Guessed that, I’m Harry.” He held out his hand and Sally took it gingerly, shook it briefly and pointed to the screen door. “There’s the problem. Do you know anything about hanging doors?”2
“Yep. Doors, windows, I know the lot. Listen love what I don’t know about doors ain’t worth knowing. He looked at the sad excuse for a screen door, stood back and exclaimed. “I’ve bin in this business for close to twenny years and I ain’t never seen nothing like this here door that you wan me to fix. What the hell did you do to it ta make it com offen the hinges and hang half-open like that? Bloody hell it looks like the hinges is clear ripped away.”3
“I didn’t do anything to the door!” snorted Sally indignantly. “When my sister and I moved in, there was no screen door at the back. We had to ask for six months, through fly and mosquito season to get the landlord to put one in and then she got her nephew to do it. Can you imagine that? Her nephew, who doesn’t look old enough to be opening doors independently let alone hanging them. Then the damn thing dropped after a week. I’ve ripped all my nails at one time or another just trying to get the door open or shut. The storm last week was the last straw.”4
“I ‘member the storm, mighty fierce wind but it should’na done this. Y’mind iffen I smoke while I work?”5
“No, smoking is fine. It shouldn’t have but it did and now the landlord says we have to pay to get it fixed.”6
“Bloody hell love you’re never goin ta pay are you?”7
“I don’t have much choice, it’s either pay up now or she boots us out and we lose the bond. This wouldn’t have happened if we’d had a man in the house, women are more vulnerable to getting conned and if you’ve got a child as well…” Sally let the sentence trail off realizing that her anger at the landlord had made her indiscreet but the workman didn’t seem to notice.
He puffed away at his cigarette and the smell of tobacco wreathed around his head and wafted over to her. \God the smell was wonderful, she’d kill for a cigarette right now but since there was no money till payday she’d have to go without …Maybe Sandra could loan her some money… that wasn’t fair, Sandra was already doing more than she should because she worked and Sally was on the Sole Parent benefit…Perhaps she could ‘bot’ one…no that wasn’t appropriate, he was a tradesman.\ Still her eyes strayed wistfully towards the cigarette packet in his shirt pocket.8
“Want one?” said Harry following her glance.9
“Would you mind?” said Sally hesitantly. She didn’t want it to seem like she was flirting because the tradesman looked old enough to be her father but she was desperate for a smoke.10
“Nah, got plenny,” he responded cheerfully “jus mak us a cup o tea and we’ll call it quits. I have the Aussie standard.”11
“Right, tea with milk and two sugars coming up.” He whistled tunelessly while he worked and it made her feel surprising happy. She finished mixing the cake, put it in a pan in the oven and turned the gas on under the kettle. When the kettle boiled she made a pot of tea and put out the sugar biscuits she had made the day before. She offered Harry a mug and he drank the scalding tea without pausing.
“That hit the spot,” he sighed gustily “I always get as dry as a tin god when I’m working with wood. Don’t s’pose there’s another?” Time for a smoko I reckon.”
Sally refilled the cup and took it out to him. He offered her another smoke and they say companionably on the back porch drinking tea and smoking.
“Bin here long?” he asked.
“Just over two years. We had some problems finding a place at first, because I was on the sole parent pension and my sister Sandra had only just started work. I suppose we were a bad credit risk then, as we looked at some lovely places that we didn’t get. This was an avenue of last resort in many ways. Still, the landlord’s been mostly good to us although there was the incident where the sewerage pipes blocked and it was six weeks before she fixed it. Oh she tried to fix it straight away, she got her cousin or someone in to put a snake down, unfortunately he cracked a pipe and it was only two days before the sewerage backed up worse than ever.”
“What about when the heater broke and she asked us not to use it in winter, Hi Mum,” said Mikey casually joining in the conversation as he walked past. I’m gonna do my homework and play Nintendo.™ Is that okay?”
“ Fine. As long as you do your homework first.” He smiled and kissed her cheek before moving into his bedroom and closing the door.
“Fine looking boy you have there, nice too, you don’t see that often. How old is he?”
“He’s twelve, nearly thirteen. That’s why I’m making the cake. It’s his birthday on Sunday. He’s invited six of his friends. I hope the door doesn’t cost too much otherwise I’ll have to cancel the party… I’m sorry that sounds like I’m not going to pay you.”
“Don’t you worry about it none, we’ll sort something out. Better git back to work.” He stubbed out his cigarette and began whistling tunelessly again as he hammered and planed. Sally checked the cake and checked that Mikey was doing his homework – he was, and then she settled down to work out the final details of the party. The hammering stopped and was replaced by a gentle clicking. Then to her surprise Harry knocked on the door with a Blackberry in his hand. Well it’s as fixed as I can do. It’s cheap wood and is warped in the wind and rain but it should close without you killin your fingernails and iffen you leave it half open most times it should last a mite.”
Okay. How much do I owe you? I’ll just get the money.”
“Nuthin. I’ve wrote an email to the agent tol them I’m billin them…ain’t technology grand! Look I own me own business with this handyman stuff but I’m a landlord too and I couldn’t live with mesel iffen I let her get away with this. Iffen you take my advice you’ll make a complaint to the Tenants Tribunal as well because landlords like her give owners a bad name. And iffen she gives you grief or evicts you, well I got a property jest about ready for the market. I’d give you first look at it.”12
“How do I thank you for all this?” sputtered Sally.
“No need ta thank me, all part of the service. Jes tek care of your boy and tek my card… in case, you know.”13
Sally shook his hand gratefully and he left. After he had gone she found a nearly full packet of Benson & Hedges and a note with a smiley face that said, “Hope these hold ya till payday. Cheers Harry.”14
Sally looked at the empty space through the half open door and wondered if an angel in overalls had visited her.15
16
Author notes
I wrote this story because I've just satarted using dialogue. This story has both dialogue and dialect and I'm not sure how successful I've been capturing the accent or making the story more acive. I would appreciate any feedback positive or negative.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Ms Kethry, you are truly a writer's writer. How you capture the ordinariness of day-to-day life and spin it into gold thread is some thing I wonder about (and appreciate very much). Thank you (lucky me). I'll bet you are drop dead gorgeous too, they say beauty and brains always travel together.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Dialogue is so tricky sometimes, and dialect (I think) is even harder to get "just right". You have a very good start on both. I saw just a few punctuation problems, such as in line 1: "Go round the back," she yelled thinking it was Mikey home from school early. This could be changed to "Go round the back!" she yelled, thinking it was Mikey home from school early. Line 21 could be broken up into two sentences with a question mark after the word "winter". Those are just a couple of examples, as I don't want to nit pick every sentence. lol In line 9, Sally's changing the topic from Harry smoking to the broken door seems a little abrupt. Breaking this sentence into two parts with a "she said" in between or maybe just adding a couple of words, like... "As for the door, it shouldn't have..." might make the transition a little smoother. The words "he said" and "she said" are largely invisible in dialogue, so putting things like "said Sally hesitantly" or "he responded cheerfully" stand out more and should be used sparingly. (You did pretty good with this, actually.) I know very little about dialect, but nothing stood out as being noticeably wrong to me. All in all, I'd say you have a good handle on dialogue, and, as with all writing, the more you practice the better you get!
I see other people have given some good advice too. I'd love to see this as a longer story; you piqued my curiosity and left me wondering what else happens to Sally and Harry. Great work!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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this was an okay story. I felt like some of the dialogue was out of place at times. but it's only the biginning so I know it will get better in time. keep up with the good work.
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Great! A pleasure to read.
This read smoothly. I identified with the characters. I also identified with the situation of the characters.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Tombo y
I really like your story. It felt like I was reading a book. Nicely put together and well writen. Keep up teh good work.
Tomboy
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 10, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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WONDERFUl
I love the title, that is why I clicked on the story. If you are just begining to yoiu dialect, I think you are doing great, though I am not british so I may have missed some suttle things. Only in the one paragraph where you use iffin over and over does it seem not quite right.
It draws you right in and you don't know what to expect from Harry, so the end is a nice suprise.
It was a great story, and had a happy ending without being all mushy.
The characters were real. One question though, can you still be on sole parent aide with a 12 year old. That is nearly impossible in American after they are 6?
I love the terrrible landlady, we have all had one of those.
I think this is an excellent piece and with just a little polish could be published. I would read it.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I like it It made me smile because its a sweet story. You got the dialogue spot on, although some of the punctuation needs either adding or moving. It could do with a read over as there are a few typos, but other than that a great read
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Well written
The dialogue was perfect and you utilized the dialect really good too. The story was interesting, very entertaining and kept my interest through out the entire thing, which is not easy. Putting in some more details would definetly help, too.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Cool
Very sweet storybeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Sweet Story
I liked it. There were some spots that seemed to slow down the pace of the story, but you kept me wanting more in most areas. Overall it was a pretty good read. I agree with the others who said that you should try to add more background to the characters.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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:)
aww it made me smile. Cheers to you! You captured the accents quite well. I was a little confused at first, but as the story progressed it made more sense. i agree with "myusername" a little more info about the characters as they move will help animate them. but overall, the story moved at a good pace. and even though there's a lack of "background" about them, you could gather enough by the chain of events to see what was goin on. very nice writedialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I'm not an expert, but I think you did a good job of capturing the accent and making it work which isn't always easy to do. The dialogue was good too. If I could offer a suggestion, I find that sometimes adding some information about what the character is doing while they are talking enhances the dialogue. For instance, "brushed the hair out of her eyes", or "took a drag off her cigarette,"....whatever it may be. It helps put more emotion into the dialogue, and sometimes even enhances the characters a bit...just an idea....good story
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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