It was a very different person who walked through the doors of the old church. This person was barely recognizable from who one who walked out of it all those years ago. She still had the same features: blond hair, blue-gray eyes. She was splitting image of her mother, except her face held none of the joy her mother’s face had held. It had been twenty years since she had seen the inside of this building. And even after twenty years it brought back pain she thought she had buried.
Faces she knew, faces she loved flew through her mind threatening to overwhelm her. Quickly she regained her composure and pushed the memories back down.
The piano started playing and she instinctively returned to her old seat. Even doing this hurt, made her remember. She saw the preacher stand up and it her why she was here.
Benjamin.
He was the only friend she had kept from her old life and now he was gone as well. He was only forty years old, but he’d had a massive heart attack. He was the same age as her father when…
Ben had always said during their conversations that he’d bring her back one day. And so he had.
She recalled their last conversation a few weeks before:
“I’ve missed you, Anne.” He’d said.
“What do you mean? You just saw me.”
“No, I miss the old you. The one who left at the ripe age of sixteen. The girl who would speak of her Savior with a sparkle in her eye.
“That was a long time ago.” She said tensely, not wanting to talk about it.
“Alright, fine. But I’ll bring you back one day.”
“So you’ve said. Goodnight Ben.”
“Goodnight.”
That conversation had bothered for a long time. She reasoned with herself that that was a long time ago and she had been naïve back then, naïve and stupid.
Anne barely listened as the preacher gave his opening words. Instead she looked around the sanctuary. It was full. Full of people who had been touched by her friend. Up on the front row was Susan, Benjamin’s wife. She looked tired and sad, but not beaten. Something was holding her together and it infuriated Anne because she knew what it was, and it made her feel alone.
After a few minutes, Benjamin’s thirteen year old daughter stood up and began to sing “It is Well with My Soul.”
With the opening measures, Anne’s heart was ripped open. It was her mother’s favorite song. They had sang it had her funeral… Unbidden the memories returned.
She was sitting with her family for their evening devotions, when a knock came at the door. Her father had answered it, and was blown away before he got the door all the way open. Her mother ran to catch her husband but he was already gone. The intruder forced his way into the kitchen, and it was then that Anne recognized him. He had come to the church earlier and her dad had given him some food. He turned and locked the back door and the kitchen door. Now he was demanding her mother get everything valuable in the house. Hurriedly, her mother began gathering things and handing them to him. But she was so scared that he dropped one of them. The man became furious and hit her. Then he yelled he’d teach her a lesson. Anne stood frozen to the floor. Lord, help me do something. But no heavenly help came. The man shouted that he would teach my mother a lesson. With that her turned and shot Anne’s crying little brother; he was just four years old. Her mother screamed and Kristen, sweet little Kristen, began praying out loud. But the man heard her. With hate in his eyes, he turned on her. One bullet and Anne caught her little sister in her arms. At this my mother screamed and jumped on him. They struggled over the gun and Anne stood there, frozen to the floor. Another shot went off and then her mother lay dead as well. The murderer then turned his gun on Anne. His bloodshot eyes glared at her and he pulled the trigger. Anne braced herself but nothing came. He missed. Right outside, Anne heard police sirens and suddenly the intruder was gone, as quickly as he had come.
In five agonizing minutes he had destroyed everything she had held dear When the police found her a few seconds later she was kneeling among her dead family members unhurt, but wishing to the God she had once so vehemently praised that she was dead too.
The next few weeks were living hell. Each day was worse then one before it. Her days were filled with well-wishers, telling her it was all God’s plan and quoting verses to her that she’d known since she was a child. She overheard their conversations though. They all said that she would be okay. After all she had a strong faith. She would be fine, she was a Christian. But she wasn’t all right. And she hated them for expecting her to be. What good had her faith done her? Where had God been that night? Definitely not in her kitchen.
Slowly, she grew to hate it, hate all of it. The man was caught and sentenced to life in prison, but still her hatred grew. She wasn’t mad at him though. He had been drunk and drugged and he wasn’t really worth her hatred. But she was mad at her “church family” and every word they said. Even after all these years, the hatred was still there. Within a few weeks, she stopped reading her Bible and then she stopped praying. Three months later she went to live with an unsaved uncle and left her faith behind. And she had never looked back.
Tears rose in her eyes as Shannon stared the second chorus. Slowly, Anne turned her eyes toward the cross that hung above the altar. Oh, how many times had she stared at that cross. She had stared at it tearfully when her grandfather had passed away. She had stayed at it with a joy larger than life when her Savior had called her to the ministry.
I’VE MISSED YOU
She knew that voice. The voice belonged the One who had held when she’d cried. Held her until she pushed him away. It belonged to the One who had listened to her nightly ramblings, the One had died for her.
All at once the tears came, and Anne began sobbing into her hands.
“Dear Jesus…” she whispered. She had missed Him so much. She had been so lonely without Him all these years. She could pretend she was alright in the daylight, but in the small hours of the night she knew what she had done. She had thrown away her best friend. And her life was empty without Him.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
“Forgive me.” Anne prayed, the words feeling rusty after so many years. “I’ve missed you.”
Instantly, she felt His presence and she knew how wrong she’d been, how much she’d messed things up, but He’d forgiven her, and for some crazy reason He still loved her.
As the final chorus began Anne poured all her hatred and grief at the foot of that cross and gave every last thing to Him. And so when the song came to a close, she could finally say that It was well with her soul.
At the end of the service she walked down the casket. She’d been given another chance, even though she didn’t deserve it. She would make it right. As she looked down at the casket, Anne’s eyes held a sparkle her old friend Ben would have recognized.
“So, it looks like you were right.” She said quietly. “You did bring me home.”1
“For when our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts.
I John 3:20
2
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