Thunder rolled across the sky over the lush green valley. The trees leaves were rustling as the heavy rain drops pounded down on them. Grey clouds hung above the valley, staring ominously at the ground below them, growling every few minutes.
Lilly was sat watching the rain rippling on the surface of the lake and feeling the vibrations through her rib cage as the thunder rolled over the valley. The flashes of lightening brightened the grey sky, sending fingers of light out to create patterns in the clouds.
She loved watching the storms pass through the valley. From her favourite spot she could see across the lake down the valley, gentle landscape slowly turning into tall mountains encircling her home. Lilly was sat on a fallen branch under an old willow tree, staring out into the rain. Her shelter probably wasn’t the best place to be sat during a storm but she didn’t really care. The branches above her provided a small amount of cover, protecting her from the rain, but bigger droplets infiltrated the layers of leaves above her, spilling down on her head and shoulders. She could feel the drops falling down her forehead and every so often down the back of her shirt. Her white shirt she suddenly realised.
Laughing quietly she looked down at her clothes and laughed more at how see-through they had become. She hadn’t been thinking about what she was wearing when she had walked out to this place. She had needed some time and space to think, away from the busy house with her four siblings.
Lilly was the eldest and with the next youngest being nine years younger she didn’t really have anyone at home to talk to. Her mother had brought her youngest sibling up with Lilly’s help after her father had died very soon after the birth. Her brother, Jasper, was eleven years younger than her, but was growing up fast in the hectic family.
Growing up was something Lilly had done very fast after her father had died. 1
( I have a BIG bit to add here... but I have no time to, these notes are here to remind me )2
Lilly jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder.
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Author notes
It is definitely not finished, I'm not sure where I want to go with it yet, but its late. I have way too many half done stories using that excuse but hey.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Nice beginning
It had been hot and muggy earlier today and now with the rains, had cooled considerably. Hearing the thunder rolling across the valley I thought it best I take a nice long walk around the borders of our farm. I always enjoyed a good thunderstorm. Who knows, perhaps I'll even see that girl again.
Wearing nothing more than my jeans and boots I headed out to enjoy the moment. I was quite happily surprised when, a little later, I spotted her in the distance. She seemed to be enjoying the rain just as much as myself. Why else would she be out here. I thought to myself.
I knew my hair was soaked and rivulets of water were running down and across the muscles of my bare chest. I didn't care, it felt cool and refreshing.
Now, as I got closer, I noticed she was wearing a thin light blouse. It was very wet from the rains and her small but full breasts pressed firmly against it. This immediately caused an erection that pushed hard against my jeans as if begging to come out.
Smilesbeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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Excellent
In line two change from the passive were brightining to brightened. In three gently to gentle. In 3 remove 'that much".I would also remove in 3 she suddenly realized, I think the reader will know this. Change when she had walked out to this place, to someting cleaner like when she came to her favorite spot.
Other than those small edits this is great begining and I hope to hear more soon. Maybe too much information in that last paragraph, spread it out a little.
I love the begining imagery. Is this also imagery of her life??
I love the chose of names for your character, very important you know.
Let me know when you add more!!
And I know all about lots of unfinshed stories. LOL
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 3, overall: 7, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Thank you, I have gone through and changed parts. I should be adding some more as soon as I get the time.
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good start up to now
cant wait to read the rest if as you say you get around to it lol is it going to be about lilly mainly well if it is then why not just call it lilly lol any way good start i can almost imagine the thuder and lightening striking and the rain hiting my neck and dripping down my shirt
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