Nadia had been after her mark for over a month now. The newspapers told of a killer who raped and killed his victims. Nadia had easily found him with a little bit of help in low places. The problem was engaging him and getting him in a vulnerable state. This was her life’s work, having been turned down by the FBI she had decided to become a vigilante taking care of the killers before the FBI could catch them. She was the best, the FBI was always close on her tail, but never quite fast enough to catch her. Not that they really chased her too hard, why would they when all she did was kill the bad guys? 1
Tonight, her mark was sitting at the bar drinking and watching the dancers. She was sitting at a table across the room. She accepted an offer to dance from a handsome man, and stood up to join him on the dance floor. Her form fitting outfit left almost no curve to the imagination. The skin tight leather top clung to her ample breasts and her leather miniskirt rode high enough that if she bent slightly you saw the thin slice of fabric separating the world from her promised land. She leaned into her dance partner and they moved together in a seductive dance. She ground her pelvis against him and leaned back seductively and chanced a look at her mark. Their eyes met across the room and her heart beat faster as she continued her dance. 2
He watched her from the bar and felt himself growing hard. His gaze covered her body in an instant, he knew she would be superb in bed. He imagined her impaled on his rod screaming her pleasure right before she began screaming in horrible pain. A slow smile spread across his face as he watched her lean into her dance partner and she watched him watching her while licking the man’s ear as she whispered something to him before making her way to the bar. He turned back to the bar and sipped his whiskey sour. 3
Nadia approached the bar and winked at him before ordering a drink and heading back to her table across the room. She sat down, giving him a glimpse of her panties before crossing her legs. She watched him say something to the bartender, then the bartender set two drinks before him and he turned and headed right for her. He set her drink in her hand and took a seat at the table next to her. She smiled her thanks and sipped the drink gratefully before setting it on the table in front of her. 4
“I’m Luke. You dance well.” 5
“Nadia, thank you. Did you buy my drink so I’d dance with you?” 6
“Oh no, I am a terrible dancer.” He laughed. 7
“So what did you buy my drink for Luke?” 8
He gazed at her for a few moments before answering, “Perhaps we could discuss this someplace a little less noisy?” 9
“Where did you have in mind?” 10
“Perhaps, my hotel room?” 11
She raised her eyebrows, “A little forward don’t you think?” 12
“So is your outfit, I promise I won’t hurt you, if you don’t want me to.” 13
She finished her drink in one gulp and smiled at him, “Well since you put it THAT way.” 14
She let him lead the way out of the club and followed him as he led her away from the noisy entrance. He grabbed a cab and they drove off together. As she sat trying to think of something to say, she felt a hand touch her thigh and slowly begin to slide up. She knew she should allow him to do this, but something in her told her he wanted her to resist. She pushed his hand away and said, “I’m not that easy Luke baby.” 15
He laughed and turned to face her, “We both know why you wore that outfit Nadia.” 16
He leaned closer and she was helpless to do anything but watch, “Why is that?” 17
Just before his lips touched hers he said, “To get fucked.” 18
His lips crushed hers seconds later and try as she might to hate it, she found herself responding to the kiss. He bit her bottom lip and she moaned, giving him access and he took it eagerly, slipping his tongue into her mouth. He tasted of whiskey and peppermint as their tongues probed violently. It was his turn to moan as she took his tongue into her mouth and began sucking it. 19
The driver cleared his throat and spoke, “We’re here guys, sorry.” 20
He paid the driver and they hurriedly made their way to his room. She pulled him to her as they reached his room and kissed him passionately. He wrapped his arms around her and slammed her against his door as he fumbled with the lock. Their tongues wrestled mercilessly sending both reeling. The door flew open suddenly and they stumbled into the room, almost falling. They both laughed as he kicked the door shut behind them and covered her mouth once more as he led them to the bed. 21
They fell onto the bed and his hands instantly began exploring her body. They lingered on her breasts and she reached up and unzipped her top and spread it open. He fondled her as she reached down and unzipped his pants, they fell to the floor as she tugged his underwear down and his hard cock was suddenly exposed. She began stroking it and listened to his delighted moans as he fumbled with her panties and shoved her skirt up over her hips. 22
Suddenly, he grabbed her hands and held them above her head as he expertly shoved himself into her eager pussy. He let go of her hands to give more attention to her breasts. She felt him bite a hardened peak and cried out with abandon beneath him. She wrapped her legs around him and he pushed her further onto the bed and followed her with a single thrust. She forgot about her plans to accost him while fucking him as she felt her body beginning to tighten with climax. Nothing wrong with allowing herself the pleasure of a mind blowing orgasm before getting down to business right? 23
Sweat glistened on their bodies as he drove himself into her. She held her breath as every nerve ending in her body sang with pleasure. Finally, the rubber band of tension snapped within her and she screamed her pleasure as she arched her body to his. The world disappeared and there was only him thrusting into her sending her body further and further over the edge of sanity. 24
He continued to fuck her as she slowly began to regain control of her mind. As the world came into focus she remembered her purpose for being here. She slid her hands over her breasts and he dipped his mouth to them once more and she slid her hands down to her top and found the knife she kept hidden there. She held the blade firmly and started to slide it carefully to his neck. Suddenly, he grabbed her hand and squeezed it until she dropped the knife and fear gripped her as he stared up at her with a glow of anger in his eyes. 25
She tried to laugh, “I like to play rough is all baby.” 26
He laughed loudly, “Oh you like to play rough baby?” 27
He got off of her and opened the night stand drawer and pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head. “Get up.” 28
She got up, “Don’t do this please!” She heard herself begging and knew it was over before she finished. She stared down the barrel of the Desert Eagle and tears filled her eyes. 29
He spun her around and bent her over on the edge of the bed. Before she had time to reach he shoved the barrel of the gun into her pussy slowly. She gasped in shock and had no time to resist as he began slamming it into her pussy repeatedly. Her body, heightened by fear, began responding to the movement and quickly began working towards another orgasm. Shamelessly, she began riding the barrel and moaning. She cried out as her body exploded over the barrel of the gun. Suddenly, there was an explosion as the gun went off, she screamed in horror and agony as the bullet tore through her body and came out through her stomach. 30
He listened to her screams of pain with a smile on his face. He pulled the gun from her body and rolled her over so he could see her face. Blood covered the bed and flowed from her pussy. He watched her as he licked along the barrel, her juices mingled with blood in a tasty cocktail. He found her so erotic, laying there bleeding and dying. In one motion, he spread her legs and entered her once more. 31
The wondrous feeling of her juices mingled with blood made him shiver as he slid himself into her. Her cries of pain were music to his ears as he filled her. He knew when his cock hit the wound because she screamed even louder and he thrust deeper into the wound as she screamed in agony. He ignored her scratching hands as he plowed into her again and again. The sensation of her flesh ripping around him sent him over the edge and he exploded inside her. Their cries of both pleasure and pain mingled together as one as he rode the waves of pleasure. 32
He pulled out and smiled down at her dazed expression, “Was that rough enough for you Nadia?” 33
She choked out a sob as he lifted the gun and pointed it at her head. He squeezed the trigger once more and watched as a single trickle of blood fell from her forehead. He turned away from her body and walked into the bathroom to clean up. He whistled happily as he stood under the water and watched her blood spiral down the drain. He had done this so many times, he was numb. One thought kept him from feeling any remorse, “Just one more slut off the streets.” When he was finished showering, he meticulously cleaned his gun before packing up his things and leaving the hotel. Before he left, he carefully placed the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the handle and walked away whistling happily as he disappeared down the street and on to the next town and the next victim. 34
35
Author notes
I hope I did it justice to what was in my head...
A contest entry
- Monsters and Villains by Andy Stephenson.
100 points, ended April 17, 2006, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I thought that this was a gorgeously written and brilliant story, but when Luke shoved that gun inside Nadia I stopped reading. Sorry, but this was too disgusting for me and this kind of violence makes me sick because men really do this horrible sort of thing to women in the world and I refuse to think about it let alone read it. You still deserve the applause though...
Great story, just too graphic for me.
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fantastic
that was one of the best short stories i have ever read well done i hope you write some more -
Nice write..rough nite
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Whoa. This was really terrific, aside from the fact that it reminded me why I don't read straight erotica (which is the word choice; it's got next to nothing to do with you, I assure you). The whole "fucking while killing" thing really gets me going, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a little fucked in the head. The whole turnaround thing was great (maybe because I love the villains winning or something) but anyway, great story. Loved it!
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I agree with the concensous here, but you've written it in a "passive voice" using "had been" and "had" and "was." I suggest removing those and replacing them with active words to strenghten the writing voice and action.
Example- You wrote:
Nadia had been after her mark for over a month now. The newspapers told of a killer who raped and killed his victims. Nadia had easily found him with a little bit of help in low places. The problem was engaging him and getting him in a vulnerable state. This was her life’s work, having been turned down by the FBI she had decided to become a vigilante taking care of the killers before the FBI could catch them. She was the best, the FBI was always close on her tail, but never quite fast enough to catch her. Not that they really chased her too hard, why would they when all she did was kill the bad guys?
Try:
Nadia hunted her mark for over a month. Newspapers printed stories about a killer who raped, and killed his victims. She easily found him with a little bit of help from people in low places. However, engaging him and catching him vulnerable, was a problem ... It was her life’s work. She was rejected by the FBI, and decided to be a vigilante, taking care of killers before the FBI caught them. She was the best. The FBI, always close on her tail, but, never quite fast enough to catch her. Not that they really chased her too hard-- why would they, when she killed the bad guys for them? -
I loved how you explained the story. Good job with this. Congradulations on the gold trophy. I think this story deserved it.
October -
wow! you did a great justice to whatever you wer thinking about when you wrote this.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow... it was sexual, HOT!!! i like how you explained the story... and the plot was SO amazing!!! great job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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haha WHOA
a great plot and a weirdly hot sex scene. very nice job, the perfect balance between story and eroticabeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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wow
that was a great storry amazing really
love brittbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was fantastic, I loved it in a practically imbelcilic way! Way to be totally dark and totally, totally erotic!
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wowwwwwwwwwww very very scary stuff
very well writtin piece i was cringing with each painful thrust but i could not stop reading it to the last brillent story but scared the sh......... outta me lol well donebeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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The idea of your main character being a rejected FBI agent and a civlian taking the law into her own hands seemed a bit... unbelievable but for your purpose I suppose you wanted to create a fantasy more than an invovled storyline. It was well done and your ending was an interesting climax!
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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WHOOAA
That was CRAZY and so damn hot. though the whole bullet through pussy thing scared the crap out of me i think i actually twitched like OWWW. overall it was ..HOToverall: 9.
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WOO!
Not only was that hot, it was totally hardcore awesome. I love that you have such a, well, OPENLY strong female in this. She's not afraid to want sex and have fun doing it, though her choice in partners could be better. I enjoyed that last little bit about him whistling as he walked away. Oh, the joys of ridding the world of sluts!
Wonderfully done.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Extremely well done
This fit the contest criteria very well. They were both hunters, but the irony of her tracking him down only to become the victim was great. She, I guess, was the better of the two and he the greater monster. In one of the earlier paragraphs there is a typo, watch should be watched. The characters were well developed, the plot not quite predictable and the dialog, though limited was adequate.
One thing I wondered, were gun shots common place at this hotel? I didn't really expect you to kill her off, though after he disarmed her it was logical.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I fixed the word thing. And thank you for the compliment! I considered having sirens sounding in the distance as he whistled away but thought it would be too cliche or something...I'm glad you liked it
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