Cold Feet1
Everyday after school I walked by Victoria’s Secret. In the display window were
two mannequins; one blonde, one brunette, very sensuous. I was particularly attracted to the brunette, her pouty lips, the way the lacy panties clung to her small waist. But it wasn’t just her looks, she had a presence, and when I went by to look in the window she seemed to perk up. I could tell she liked me. Her name was Sonia, she didn’t tell me but she couldn’t be any other name.
I started to hang out by the Victoria’s Secret window a lot. Sonia was really interesting, much more so than the girls I went to school with. Sonia told me I was much more mature than the girls in school which is why they ignored me. I’d never been on a date. 2
After awhile it got so I could talk to Sonia about anything. I confided to her. She’d always say something like, “you just need more confidence, sweetie.” Every time I left her I’d feel ten feet tall. At school when someone bothered me I’d just think of Sonia and just knowing I had something they didn’t, whatever they said had no effect on me and eventually they left me alone. Even mother’s yelling and constant badgering; where was I going, what was I doing, why didn’t I’s or why did I do’s, failed to get me upset. All this was due to Sonia.3
One night lying in bed I decided I loved her and would do anything for her. I couldn’t sleep thinking of her but I didn’t care. The next day while taking a short cut coming home from school I saw some wild flowers and picked them for Sonia. I went by her window to give them to her. “Oh sweetie,” she said, “they’re beautiful,” and she told me to press my lips to the glass and kissed me. It was warm and wet and I held my lips there for a long time not wanting it to end. “You better take off sweetie,” she said “I don’t want to get into trouble.” 4
When I got home mother was more smothering than usual. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately,” she said. “You look like you’re in another world. Are you taking drugs? Because if I find out your taking drugs I will not let you leave the house. You will not have any privileges. I’m going to arrange to have you drug-tested, I’m calling the consoler at school. And to think of all I’ve done and this is how you pay me back. Don’t you roll your eyes at me.” After that I laid in bed and thought of Sonia, how I’d like to take her far far away, where it’d just be me and her and we could just hold each other and talk. 5
The next day when I went to see Sonia she told me to come closer to the window; she told me to put my ear against the glass, she didn’t want anyone else to hear what she was about to say. “Listen sweetie,” she whispered, “are you serious about me?” I nodded. “I don’t mean like little boy puppy love stuff, I mean do you love me? I nodded again more emphatically. “Look I can’t stand another night of sitting in this window or I’ll go nuts. How’d you like to bust me out of here and take me somewhere far, far away? It’ll be just you and me.” My heart almost burst out of my chest. Funny thing was because I’d fantasied about going away with her and I already had a plan. I told Sonia I’d be back that night. 6
After mother fell asleep I tiptoed into her room and fumbled around for her car keys and twelve hundred in cash that she kept stashed in her drawer. When I pulled up to Victoria’s Secret, Sonia was awake. The street was eerily quiet. I threw a brick through the window, which triggered the alarm. I climbed in and scooped Sonia up and put her in the car. It was difficult getting her in the front seat, I had to bend her legs, she couldn’t move them because they were stuck in the same position for so long. “Step on it” she said, “the cops will be here any minute.” 7
I got on the freeway and headed south. Even though it was drizzling it was smooth sailing. “I knew you’d come through for me, you’re my man-child,” Sonia said. I gave her a quick kiss on the lips and held her hand. This was heaven. “Sweetie when we settle in for the night I’m going to do things to you that you never imagined. I’m going to give you the ride of your life.” Heaven just got a little better I thought. 8
I saw a Best-Western and pulled off. Sonia told me to check in first, then to come out and get her, she still couldn’t walk. The clerk looked at me suspiously. I told him my mom was in the car but she was sick and throwing up. When I pulled out a hundred he gave me the key. I carried Sonia into the room, locked the door and laid her on the bed. I looked at her lacy lingerie, her long legs spread slightly. I couldn’t believe she was going to be mine. This was going to be the night of my life.
“Sonia, your quiet,” I said. “Don’t tell me you’re asleep?” She didn’t answer. I shook her but she didn’t say anything, oddly her skin felt like plastic. I tried to wake her with a kiss but they tasted like plastic too. I feel asleep and when I came to she still wouldn’t wake up. I started screaming at her. I needed her but she just lay there like a dummy. She didn’t seem like a real person. “Sonia,” I yelled, “you can’t treat me like this. You promised me, that if I got you out you’d be with me, you said I was your sweet man-child.” I couldn’t’ control myself. I yelled louder, you just used me, you bitch.”
Then I heard a key opening the door. It was the motel manager with the cops. They pinned me down and took me away. Mother had me committed. The consolers give me medication and a lot of therapy. They say I have to get back into reality. But they don’t know that Sonia is the cause of all my problems. She just used me. 9
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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This was the first thing you wrote that i ever read but i didn`t leave a comment due to shyness and fear,i thought i had read it somewhere before so i read more of your stuff and became convinced that i was either losing my mind or you were actually Buk,so i sent you a message etc. etc.
Now that i have read it again i can understand exactly what you mean,women can mess your marbles up or,more accurately,a ripe pair of teenage testicles on the right man can cause seriously healthy but socially unacceptable illusions...anyway,superb story,i didnt know how you would end it but i knew there was no chance of any happy ever afters.Sonia seems totally my type of lady,do you have her number? -
interesting.
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that was unique. I was a little freaked at first but got into the story. Wouldn't people stare at him when he is kissing a glass window in public... I would send my child to therapy just for that. I feel really bad for him. It's like that one movie wen the guy gets stranded on the island and makes a friend out of a volley ball and dead people's clothes. and then the volley ball person supposedly goes away with the raft... very sad.
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Wow...I have never read a story like this...I just have to say it is kind of unusual. To me its seems like Pinocchio, in the Adult version. However, in this story, the dummy does not come to life, and that guy needs serious medication. To bad he never had any friends, since I think it was the loneliness that did it.
I love the ending, when you say, "But they don’t know that Sonia is the cause of all my problems. She just used me." That is sad, depressing, and it makes me laugh at him, but feel sorry for him at the same time.
Okay, that is all I have to say. Thanks for the read!
MagicMonster00M: Keep on writing! -
no, this isn't fiction...
Dave,
i ventured onto this story from your SP page. i must have started reading it about a month ago but never finished it, as i just now read the ending and have not yet left a comment. anyhow, fantastic topic here. don't we all want to break a glass window and carry out a Victoria's Secret model now and then? i know i do. haha. but to actually write a story about it, now that takes balls...
the last paragraph sums up too much. the ending sounds better with "They pinned me down and took me away." nothing more after that. it's a strong image to end on.
see ya 'round SP
Pap
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wow that was fantastic till the end i thought she would come back to life or somthing but it was good and i loved it!
i guess it as a deperession catogory but thumbs up
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nice work... i liked it very much.. you could have explained a little as to what made him this way, the reason for girls rejecting him... anyway, a nice piece of a story from a poet
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So sad
I really enjoyed this story a lot. Really..uhmm...depressing. -
This is tragic and e.m.o.
I really think this story is major emo. This just confuses me, like, why would he fall in love with a mannequin? Why would a mannequin use him like that? WHY IS THIS ABOUT THE LOVE BETWEEN A BOY AND A MANNEQUIN?
But, like everyone else, I liked this story A LOT. Besides the emo stuff, it's just so perfect. I can't express it.
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Wow, this is fantastic, right up to halfway through the seccond to last paragraph. You bring him to life really well and I had a really clear image of him, 'Sonia' seemed eyrie (I have a fear of manakins)but in a way that builds on your subconsiouse.
However I agree with Garry Alexander about the ending, it just seems a little rushed and out of charactor.
Can't wait to read mor eof your work it's fantastic ^.^
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Actually, I loved the story up until the very end. Forgive me, but you have the kid doing a couple of inconsistent things here, too quickly...and on the heels of one another. He wakes up to the "taste" of plastic (reality)but then keeps talking to the manikin. Further, what he says sounds nutty...and too violent to be consistent with the sweeter tone of this lonely misguided and sympathetic youth of earlier in the tale. I mean: "You used me...BITCH!" Doesn't sound like the kid. I was in his corner until that! The very end is disappointing...to have the "cops" take the poor kid away and committed. I love the story...it's quite original and well written in a straightforward manner. Really,Dave, rethink the ending. It should be more sympathetic to your major character. Don't simply let "them" take him away!
Nice effort.
Best,
Gary Alexander
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Poor guy, that is so sad for him.
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It is complicated in a good way! I wish more people wpuld write stories like you.
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very interesting!!
Beautiful thinking :-) -
OMG Where's the rest of your stories? Huh, huh, huh? TELL ME OR I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS! Oh, any way, nice story
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Rocks My SOX
This story was a sweet read.....yet pyschoticlly funny! I found myself wondering;`What in God's name is he thinking?' And that's when it came to the hotel part.....Best-Western! hahhaha Just teasing....But I knew that this poor child had to come to his senses eventually....lol I'm sorry for sounding harsh.....but this story ALMOST sounds demonic......but hey that's just me. I really enjoyed reading this story and am looking foward to reading many more from you but right now I have to....."clear my head." Good job honey! Much Kudos is passed on to you from me!!!!
xoxoxoxox
Brooklyn
aka Wilted_rose
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Ah how lovely!
It all really is Sonia's fault. Well, maybe a little of his mothers too. Between them, they ruined this poor boy.....
But after all the hours of sitting in front of holiday marathons of The Twilight Zone, I really kept thinking she'd come alive any moment.
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Your writing must be a delight to ease me into following your steps here. This was a very interesting story, but I agree with others that it was too short. I could have read more. You are a wise and talented individual. Even my daughter likes to read your work. You make us think, which I believe we don't do enough of (lol)
Into the New Year,
DivaDeb -
Short Story Still Too Short
I have become a fan of your writing. As I read this I couldn't help feeling aspects of a personality disorder all over your character and his mother even.<---too much psych class work The title makes you wonder what it is about. Just like your character was sucked into his fantasy of Sonia, so was I as reader anticipating with every word what would come next. It seems that once he broke Sonia out of her class encasing the fantasy shatters and reality sets it, to an extent. To an extent because he blames her for his being committed. Great short story, I look forward to your other works.
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in paragraph 5 you might mean counselor? or it could be regional difference in spelling?
great piece though, unusual and well rounded. you should try what was suggested to me when I was on a writing for children course hosted by two authors. they told me that even though your writing has started, it doesn't mean you have the start of your story. you can write for pages before you find a good start, I say this because I think this would be great from the next point of view. you know when he is in the hospital, and flashing back to the details of how he got there. great piece - look forward to more! -
Very bitter-sweet, funny-sad, slightly warped! I loved the fast pace of this story and the way it was told with no fuss or poetry, and yet let us get right into the narrator's head in a very matter-of-fact yet something's-not-right-here way. This was a great read and I enjoyed every word... except for 'Sonia, your quiet' in paragraph 12, which should be 'you're'
Cheers! -
great imagenation
you thoughts were running rapids
good work
iliked this write -
Wow, awsom. I've never read anything like this. Its like one of those twisted movies like "One Hour Photo" and leaves you feeling like th world is so different then it seems.
Their were a few minor, insignificant, grammatical errors. Nothing worth mentioning. Although the last paragraph fealt a littl rushed, and maby could have been discribed with a few more details, it was still awsom.
Excellent job. Very Unique.
I loved it.. Rewarded 4
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Ack!
Went to read more of your stories and there aren't any!! How can I become your 'number one fan' and begin a career of stalking you if you don't have more stories!
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Great use of lingerie!!!
This bloke came across as seriously deranged and you wrote it beautifully. Enjoyed the start with the inference to Victoria's Secret. Loved it! -
this was kinda creepy...you tell yourself in the beginning that shes not real and that he's making it up but towards the middle you start to second guess yourself, but then the end hits and your like "I knew it!" i liked it.
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very readable, as i had to continue til the end of it. i liked reading it... u have a good grip on narration. i like that about ur style. i like the messege, quick "did-u-kno" sort of gist that u have given by the secondary characters, the therapist n ur mother... everyone tend to dwell in illusion... it's tempting for some, ans those people have a really hard time getting out of it.
keep writing.
~~Infinitus -
really strange but very intriguing. I love quirky stories like this. you made the poor crazy guy come alive for the readers... I really like this. very interesting, a mannequin he falls in love with lol. Very well done. I like the way you begin right away with talking about victoria's secret, it makes people want to know what the story is about.
. Rewarded 4
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jinxgirl
thanks so much for your comments on my story cold feet. i really appreciate it.
dave
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Amazing
You made the main character's reality seem so real. I was wondering for a while. Then the walls of reality came crashing down. Beautifully written.. Rewarded 4
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Awesome!!!!!!
It rox!!!!!!!!! -
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jason
thanks for your comments on cold feet.
dave
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wow
quite moving. i was wondering what was going on.. i was thinking "that's a manniquin" anyways in either case. I don't know exactly how to put this, but you know for you a second part of me was like "ok maybe she's a person" it was really interesting, the way you personified a manniquin. sorry i have poor spelling. I wonder if this has ever happened to anyone?? I do believe my favorite part of this story is the last lines:
"They say I have to get back to reality. But they don't know that Sonia is the cause of all my problems. She just used me."
a very good write. I'll keep my eye out for your works. Thank you for sharing.
-SiN -
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midnightsin
thanks so much for your comments this is the first story i've posted on this site, and i'm just learning the ins and the outs. i'm really more of a poet but every once in awile i try a short story. anyway your the first person to leave a comment and its much appreciated
sincerely,
dave ochs
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