As I get off the train I notice a guy who’s been on my tail since Smith get off at the same stop as I do. I wonder about this but dismiss the though of him following me. Yeah right Tiffany gets a grip ok it’s not a story he’s not following you it’s your imagination. I start on the 20 minute walk to my apartment walking briskly in the cold winter night. I look behind me as I hear foot steps coming closer moving slightly to my left to get out of the way of them. A hand jerks me around and shoves me against the wall holding a rag over my mouth. I inhale something that was on the rag. I try to look around but all I see is black as I pass out slumping into my kidnappers arms. 1
When I wake up I’m chained to a wall in what looks like a dungeon. I blink slowly trying to get the little white spots out of my way so that I can see around the room more clearly. There’s a table across the room with a man looking down at it. I look closer and see that it’s a bunch of whips and chains on the table. I gasp as he picks up the cat of nine tails. He clicks a button and I gasp as I begin to turn around on the wall as if by magic strings I can’t see. With my back towards him I can’t see really well that he’s going to do to me.2
I hear the whip chasing across the floor as he draws it back to strike the first strike. I scream as I feel the spikes digging into my flesh pulling some off with it as its owner pulls it away. Replacing it with a single whip slapping my ass with it a few times I get turned around once more. I finally see my captures face. I gasp as I see the face I’ve been looking at for so long and never realizing who was really in that beautiful body and graceful body of his. 3
“Jose what are you doing” I manage to sputter out. Still trying to get my mind wrapped around this whole things. My boyfriend has kidnapped me to play and rape me? That can’t be right. 4
He slaps me across the face hard making me scream out. He shoves his penis inside me making me scream at his harshness in my pussy almost ripping my walls. He begins to pound into me raping me, if you can call it that. I scream for him and try not to move too much I realized he doesn’t like that while I’m his like this. He scratches me and starts to drag his nails painfully down my stomach as he comes closer to climaxing. He keeps pounding into me and finally blows his load all over me and inside me.5
He looks at me and grins “I hope you liked that my dear.”6
I gasp and shake my head “oh baby. You bet I did lover. But you didn’t have to kidnap me damn.”
7
Author notes
Option 2 i hope you like....
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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3
This was strange, you must really like stuff like that(and i thought i was kinky! -
comma after guy and smith first sentence. if your main character is thinking, then either use italics or ' ' marks to offset the thought from the rest of the scene
comma after appartment. comma after closer. you let the reader know there's a rag on the character's mouth already... try being descriptive of wht the rag smelled like.(was it a bitter, sweet smell? was it enough to make te character gag?)
comma after "pass out" (1)
comma after wake up. comma after slowly. change "out of my way" to "out of my eyes", then put a comma there
comma after "pound into me"
ok this is somewhat confusing. you want us to believe she is scared but i can't really feel that. i don't really feel connected to the characters. try to describe them to us in more detail, let us connect with them.
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damn... i love this... great job, even though it's short, then plot was strong.
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Wow, that's kind of twisted, truly it is. It draws you in but I'm not sure I wanted to be drawn in. It's a good story. Pretty intense. Good erotica though.
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Kinky
Haha you're into that kinky stuff huh? *grinz* It was a great story but in the beginning when she's thinking to herself, maybe distinguish it by putting it in italics or something.
Also, make it longer! I felt it was too abrupt and short! I wanted to see more of the process and sex.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Interesting idea! Kind of felt like it ended too quickly. Wanted more description of ehr experience. Like, how did it go from pain to pleasure? I got the feeling it DIDN'T change, but then at the end I was obviously wrong, so next time lead me down that change a little slower so I know exactly where you're going. Good write!
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