Letter 2 of 57

There are millions of words to say, millions of places to go, people to see. I've seen a million people, seen a million places, i've been a wreck, and yet you are the only one who had ever managed to put me back together. Now and forever, I promise, I only see you. 1

The trees are collapsing into the gently sway of the wind. My mind is left far undone and the only thing I can really ask myself anymore is why. 2

I'd give anything to reorder the pieces now… to change the way things are now. This is all because of who I was. This was all because of how selfish I used to be. I have never understood the definition of shame to the extent of which is warms my body now. I have never understood such agony of a loss of face. I was such a fool. 3

Yet there is nothing I can do to reverse the irreversible and thus I'm stuck in this endless cycle of the things I cannot take back, these things I so painfully regret. Perhaps had I not been so childish, so full of… I'm not quite sure what the word is. I would not be in this place where I cannot see past the fog; this place where I feel like such a burden. 4

I'm a storm in a body, stuck and bottled in captivity, wanting to explode. Fragments of thoughts blunder and shatter in their little spaces. 5

What a fool you are… yet you can never express…always claiming to be… not knowing anything… looking like a fool… wanting to just say I love you… knowing these things do not fix things… I only wish… I can't… How… Why…When…"I think I'm falling in love with you"… "What I'm trying to say is… I love you"…"Pretty for Tommy?"…"Yea baby"…"I'm so proud of you"…"Of course I'll love you forever"…"Don't go away okay?"…"I love you boo boo"…"Ducky"…"Yea I know it's warm, that's why I bought it"…"come help me study?"…"Let's watch Rome"…"I hate it when you call me that, I'm not a fucking cat"…"I love you stupid"…"don't worry 'bout it"…"morning sunshine"…"turn that alarm off"… 6

What I'm trying to say is… these things I'm so bad at saying. So awkward these words are… So clumsy I am… So humbled by the experience. The only thing I can think of is the groggy look on your face every morning. The way you'll turn up your CD player in your car and bounce up and down and driving your car faster... The kisses you give me on my forehead. That look on your face when you looked up at me and said "will you marry me?" And no words really come to mind. Just feelings. Just tingles and pulls and that weird pit feeling that just won't go away… that I don't want to go away. Those butterflies I get. It all seems so surreal. 7

And to think all these things, these feeling thoughts and everything being zapped away. How selfish am I? I'm sorry my love. For putting you in that position… That place where you keep saving me over and over again. The way you're forced to deal with the troubles I've caused. How do you do that? I'll never know… I'll never know where you find the energy or courage. 8

What I'm trying to express in this bizarre jumble of words and fragments... is thank you. For your kindness and patience. For your protectiveness of which, without it, I would not be here. Thank you for saving me not only from other people… but also from myself and the misguided actions I take on impulse. In time I hope you'll come to see these things I cannot say. And if not, that will be my life purpose. To be able to show you one day… the way my life has changed and the gratitude I feel towards you. 9

I love you sunshine. 10