Chapter 1 1
Shoving inside me he looks down at me and says in a deep vibrating voice “Open your eyes and look at me while I make you scream” I look up and stare at him as I moan and writhe for him then close my eyes again and throw my head back. I feel the air move before he actually hit me. He slaps across my face making it sting and screams 2
“Look at me you slut, look at me as I cause you this fucking pleasure” I stare up at him shocked and turned on even more as he hits me again, forcing me to look at him in the eyes. 3
Shocked and silent I stare at him as he pumps into me faster whispering “I’m so sorry that I hit you baby I’m so sorry please forgive me please, please. Please, please, please, please…” 4
He looks down at me and I see tears in his eyes as he brings us both higher in our pleasure. We both scream aloud for each other, I claw his arm and chest up feeling his nails digging into me also. Gasping for breath we lay there. Rolling over he cuddles me up to his chest. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t live without me. I fall asleep in his arms knowing that I am loved. 5
I roll over and cuddle into the hard chest I collided with. I wake up and smile knowing who I am so close to and who smells so good in the morning. I look up into the face of the man I am in love with and grin to myself again as I kiss his chest waking him up. 6
We get up and start walking into the kitchen, to make some coffee for us both knowing we have to work later that day. 7
He looks at me after he starts the coffee and in a low deep voice he asks "Do you want to fulfill your greatest desire, love?" I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like. How he would look and this is what I get.8
He was strapped to the table and I was on top of him smiling down at him licking the knife clean moving it down to rub more blood on it. Suddenly I moan as I move my hips on him more, giggling a little at his pleas for me to stop. I stop moving for a second to carve my initials into his chest. I run my fingers over it and lick my fingers then stick them in his mouth so he can taste his own blood. 9
Smiling at him I say "I’m not sure you want that to happen dear"
10
Author notes
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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A good tale
Very good. A realistic love sceen. The ending made me laugh. A very good touch. I wish it had just one more sentence to explain what you had in mind. Allof the wording was very powerful. Please keep writing... -
It was kind of choppy, I think that there could have been a little more details and it should have been a bit longer, but it wasn't bad for a first story.
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Severe
The beginning grabbed my attention instantly as it is strongly worded.
I am lead to believe that there is a strong love between them. He is dominating and she still loves him. Perhaps an abusive relationship!
She wakes up and you describe her passion for "the man she loves" and then in the next paragraph she is dreaming of murder.
Confusing though it may be I like the story very much!!beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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GREAT START!
so this is your first story ever huh? you have a wonderful start and a great imagination to write the stuff, now comes the part we all dread and hate about writing...or at least I do. you have a great start, now go back through and look at the grammer, spelling, look through it and read it out loud...does it make sense to you? does the dialogue sound natural to you? I would suggest doing that. Once that's done, it'll be so much better! Once you've written a few and have gotten the hang of it, everything will be a whole lot easier for you. you'll find it'll come more naturally. Great job and I hope you continue to explore the world of writing. I'm here if you want any pointers or anything at any time!
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lose the word me after slaps change it to making it sting and scream. new paragraph for "Look" comma after again. new paragraph after his apologies.
comma after clean, comma after him
you want what to happen? the sentence isn't complete.
you also skip tenses from past to present and back. there are fragmented sentences as well as a lack of description on your characters and their surroundings
interesting idea
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i like this, but i really feel bad for the dude, and it was kinda funny at the end...
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im a little confused. but i liekd it anyway
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huh?
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nice work but the last sentence kind of threw me off a little. it starts out nicely and fast paced. all in all it's a good story. can't wait to read more of your stuff.
So Mote It Be,
Rune(White Lighter)
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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As stories go it feels very choppy and almost forced. There is no flow to it. you start it off pretty well but then there are few descriptions and very little character development. It could be interesting as fas as writing goes, but it needs to be fleshed out more. It is an interesting idea, and the plot is good so far, but it's more of a list of events than a story right now. Good luck.
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Well...
Not exactly what I was expecting. It felt, as a story, a little bit abrupt. There is very little description in a story that definitely could benefit from it. The concept is good, but you do need to go back and tell me more about Jose and the narrartor, and go more into their relationship dynamic... more than just that they like rough sex and that she doesn't like being slapped.It's a good beginning though!beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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first it kind of threw me of then i got it you did a good job
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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WOO!
Fast paced, heart racing action! *Jumps up and down excitedly* That last bit was kinda creepy, but it was intense and...turn-on terrific. *Shakes head* I'll definitely have to come by and read more of the Jose's later. *Nods...vigorously*overall: 7.
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Thank you so much for the being the one and only person to visit my soap opera. If I find that I get some views, I will add on to it, as I really want to, but would like people to read it. Thanks again.
I take it this is the first entry of Jose, since there is no number after it. It starts out very intense and I am enjoying the fast pace and briefness of energy.
I also was confused by the last sentence and wonder if there might be a typo in it.
Looking forward to reading more entries. Please send your fans my way and I will do the same.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I wasn't expecting that last paragraph...this could get intresting.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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Wow!
Nice work! I am a kinda sick person, so I really like it.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I was not sure about the story from the middle on. I was not clear at the end. Is that sentence correct? You had me pretty well wrapped up in it in the first part. I am just not sure what you mean in the last line.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 3, overall: 7, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 4.
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