11-year old Jacob Benton spun around at his desk chair one sunny Saturday afternoon in June. He had become very bored.1
Jacob's mom, Mrs. Benton, knocked on his door. Jacob called for her to come in, and she did so. 2
"Hey Jacob," said Mrs. Benton, "is there something wrong?"3
"Well, I'm bored. There's aboslutely nothing to do." he pouted. 4
"Jacob, you have practically all the toys in the world! How you can you not find something to do?" Jacob shrugged. "Well," continued Mrs. Benton, "you could build with Legos, read a comic book, look at your baseball cards, play a computer game, play the piano, go outside...So why in the world are you bored?"5
"Aw mom, I've done all those things before! I need something new to do. I need a challenge." explained Jacob.6
"Well, why don't you clean up your room? That ought to be challenge," said Mrs. Benton, motioning to the posessions that littered his floor. She walked out and closed the door. Jacob watched her leave and sighed again. He spun around on his desk chair again. Parents just couldn't understand things sometimes.7
*****8
Later that day, Jacob trudged down to the kitchen to have some dinner.9
"What would you like to eat, Master Jacob?" asked a deep voice.10
Jacob whirled around, startled, and then breathed a sigh of relief. It was only the Bentons' chef, Franklin. "Well Franklin, I'd like a turkey sandwich with a pickle and chips, please."11
"Make that two turkey sandwiches." said another voice. Jacob turned around again as his 14-year old sister, Veronica, walked in. In about 10 minutes, Franklin walked to the kitchen table with Veronica and Jacob's meals. They began to eat. 12
"So squirt, how has your summer been so far?" asked Veronica.13
"Ach...not so good. I've been really bored." said Jacob. 14
"Come on! How can you be bored at a house like this? You've got all those toys, and plus there's a swimming pool in the backyard. People would die to have all this. How can you be bored?" she demanded.15
"Well, they get boring after a while. I've done everything there is to do. I just need an adventure. Something different, something challenging." 16
"Ugh...little brothers..." said Veronica. 17
*****18
The next morning, Jacob woke up in his large bed. Golden sunlight streamed through the large windows next to his bed. He got out of his bed and stretched. Then he walked down to the kitchen for breakfast. However, when he walked into the kitchen, he was surprised at what he saw. At the kitchen table, already assembled were both his parents and his sister.19
"Good morning Jacob!" exclaimed his father, Mr. Benton. 20
"Good morning, son. Eat your pancakes while they're hot." said Mrs. Benson. Jacob took his seat and poured maple syrup over his stack of steaming pancakes. He exchanged a bewildered look with Veronica. Usually his parents never joined them for any of them meals because of their erratic work schedules. 21
"Son, we have something to tell you." said Mr. Benton. "Rachel told me you wanted an adventure. So, we're taking a cruise to somewhere you've never been before." 22
"We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!" shouted Mrs. Benton. Jacob felt a smile emerging on his face. This was just the challenge and adventure he was looking for.23
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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It's cute and simple that reflects the bored mood of a kid nicely. We all know what it's like to have plenty of things to playwith, but nothing to do. Wonder why we're like that?
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I really appreciate, in this work, how YOU seemed to take on a large challenge by trying to simulate natural, 'boring' morning dialogue and make it interesting at the same time. Good luck on the rest!
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Capturing..intersting...engaging and funny !!! I do like it, I really do it gives that instant vibe of excitment and explosion.
Well done!!!
Blair
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i found it very gd not boring or owt it was gd people look i mine!
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Very good! I really enjoyed this, it had a ince pace and very good vocabulary, as well as smooth sentence structure and good dialog. I noticed that Veronica's name changed to Rachel at the end, ut I'm assuming that was because you changed the name at some point? Anyway, superbly written, a good start. It really leaves the reader wanting more. Keep writing, it was very good. And I'm already beginning to like the characters, despite knowning only a little about them. Nicely written indeed. Keep it up!
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I love the way you write, it purks it up.
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I think that your writing style adds a cute touch to it...
Idk, it's just me..
Anyway, I'd like to read more if there is more ^-^ -
Good start to an adventure story my main advice would be to work more on the dialog and focus less on where you want the conversation to finish with. If everything the charectures say is just statements directly related to the plot then the whole conversation becomes slightly surreal. Another writing tactic to try is to deliberatly leave out important information so the reader has to continue to find it out.
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I really enjoyed this piece, it is very simple but at the same time quite engaging. You capture a spoiled kid very well, particularly about knowing how bored they get. I used to know a kid who was exactly the same.
One thing: paragraph 21 has a typo - "Mrs. Benson".
Keep up the good work,
-CC -
Lucky kid.
I wonder what adventures he'll have in the Bahamas. Hope you write about them.
Good Story! -
Believable story. Your character acts the spoilt-but-bored kid well...
I wish I could go to the Bahamas when I'm bored with life... -
Oh my goodness, this sounds so much like my daughter. She has so many things in her room that I am surprised when she says that she is bored. I like your story because it reminded me so much of her. Nevermind the child, though, I would love to go on a cruise and an adventure. Nice work in bringing back all the memories.
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Awesome!! This is really cool. You need to write more. I love cruises and I want to know what happens.
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This is good! IT kinda caught my attention, alittle. Good job anyway! I can't wait to read more! Keep the good work up! I looooove it! And I don't see any mistakes, but if there are some, I'm too tired to list them.
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Too early to tell
It seems like it could be a good start, though you could use a friend to do some editing. Heh.
There are a couple of reasons I say so. One is that it has a few places that seem... clumsy. Not bad, necessarily, just that it could be written a bit more smoothly. For example, it's redundant in a place or two, like paragraph 20, "... his father, Mr. Benton." Since you gave Jacob's last name earlier, it would generally be the rule that his father would be "Mr. Benton." This would be a bit less extraneous if you either ended the sentence after the word 'father' or else renamed him in a way that the reader is as yet unaware. A first name or a different last name than what Jacob has.
The second thing is the tone of the characters. I understand not wanting to overuse 'said' and so searching for other ways to describe how they say things, but they would need to be appropriate. Not many parents could be accurately described as 'exclaiming' to their children, for example.
Overall, though, it's a good start and I'm going to try to follow this story. -
This starts well and I wonder where the story will go. Just a few suggestions below.
"(Is)is there something
to do(,)." he pouted
Jacob shrugged.(new line.)
"Well," continued Mrs. Benton, "you could build with Legos, read a comic book, look (again another new line,)
mom(Mom), I've done all those
(Ten minutes later, Franklin...)In about 10 minutes, Franklin walked to the kitchen table with Veronica and
bored.(,)" said
He got out of his bed and stretched. Then he walked down to the kitchen for breakfast. However, when he walked into the kitchen, he was surprised at what he saw. At the kitchen table, already assembled were both his parents and his sister.
(Jacob yawned as he climbed out of his bed, stretched as he made his way down to the kitchen. Sitting around the kitchen table were his whole family, eating breakfast. He joined them, his mouth wide open, surprised to see his family sat together, a rare occurrence.
Sarah.
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His parents never joined them for a meal? Poor kid - we've always tried to make time on a regular basis for our kids! And a Bahamas cruise is not my idea of a challenge!
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This is a good start to a story. It sounds real to me. BUT!! *yes there is a big but *sighs** Like everyone else, I think you should give more details about the family. I'm confused about the sister... she acts completely rough and wierd and mean and then suddenly in the end, she's the one who talks to the parents about how the main character feels...
Anyways, this was good! -
This was a nice story to read (sorry if it sounds cheesy but it's true!!) Very real, and I can relate to this. Like everyone else is saying, some descriptions of the family members would be great. All I can say is...I can't wait for more!
Luv, IMqueen
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A very realistic beginning....I didn't see any mistakes....this should turn out pretty good!
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Nice start
I liked the descriptions used Nicely done
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i can't really visualise it... but it sounds like it could eb interesting with a littel more work. I hope you'll write the next one, but perhaps you could leave it on a cliffhanger so everyone wants to read on? i don't know. just a few suggestion...
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Good start
It just needs more description. In the first paragraph all I got was a chair and some kid. What did he look like? Black hair, brown eyes, short or tall, etc...
Does he get along with his sister? I think they were rich but I'm not quite sure/ It doesn't sound like he has friends...why? Those are just some thoughts. Hope I've been helpful -
Is there more?
That's pretty good but its a bit jumpy and abrupt. Try and describe scenes a bit more. I will be reading the rest if there is more. Overall well done.
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