I was like, “What?” I didn’t know what to say or how to react for that matter. Quite frankly I was shocked. Jerry and I had been friends since the fifth grade and started dating a few months ago.1
“You heard me,” he said, “I said I like you a lot.” He paused. “ Up until now I was scared to tell you because I thought you might overreact about it. I know we’ve been going out for a while now, but I just wanted to tell you before I forgot and lost the courage to tell.”2
“Wow that was really touching.” I said.3
We watched the movie and headed for the locker when Jerry took my hand and pulled me into his arms and kissed me softly on the cheek. I was very surprised when I caught myself returning the favor. I suggested afterwards that we go to his place and hang out. 4
On the way there we both sat in silence, thinking about what happened a few hours earlier. Jerry pulled up in front of the house and got out. He came over and let me out. 5
I was pretty surprised at how Jerry was acting around me. At a few tomes I felt myself thinking about him. So we went inside and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. I flopped through the channels and turned on my favorite show “Grey’s Anatomy.”6
We sat together and cuddled under a blanket. Soon we were in each other’s arms snuggled closer together because of the cold outside. We pulled out the bed ad slept until about 10:30 to 11:00. 7
We went out and sent time together discussing what we wanted to do together that night.. I told him I had no clue. He said he agreed. So finally we decided to catch a movie and then come to my place for a while. 8
Author notes
i figured you'd like this, but please tell me what you think. i have been writing poetry for years but recently started stories. but i'd apprecieate you opinion. thanks!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is interesting and intriguing. Maybe you'd wanna expand some more because as the comment underneath says, this lacks emotion. You just need to work on it a little more
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This is okay I guess. Tho I think it lacks emotion in it. I did notice one spelling error which I don't think that spell check would catch. 6th paragraph word used is tomes. I think you meant to me. That's the only error I noticed of that kind.
Keep writing you have talent just need practice. So do I tho. I too write poetry more than stories. I just feel more comfortable writing poems is all. -
that was a sweet piece, but you should work on it a little bit like correcting minor spelling mistakes and some grammar. As well some sentences sound a little bit lame.. For example this one - I suggested afterwards that we go to his place and hang out. I believe you could work them out and replace with something more intensive, then this little piece will be sure more exciting.
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Interesting but it needs more structure.
The sentences don't flow much and you need more description and detail.
Could turn out to be a good story with some work, maybe have something exciting or horrifying happen next. Give it a crescendo!
Well Done!
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i like this story about a teenage love story. It is really good and it flows really well. It is descriptive and well written. you are an amazing writer.
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A cute little rehash of a common teenage experience of first love.
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GREAT
This is great. It's kinda like the stories I write. There are a few spelling errors that I noticed but other than that I loved it. And Gary Alexander is right but he didn't need to say it like that. His words read that he was practically yelling at you. I loved it and would like you to write more and more and more... You get the picture.
Love Alley
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You might spend some time on this instead of those movies!
I was "LIKE"...this phrase is really becoming quite obnoxious. I would find a substitute.
I realize you are trying to capture the vernacular...the lingo...the teen jargon of today...but you can still be literate and create your story. Otherwise, why not merely record a conversation? Why bother writing?
here are some words that might better be left out or at least substituted for:
"scared." Also...place a period after "overreact" forget "about it." Unnecessary and extraneous...
"Quite a while NOW...lose NOW.
"before I forgot OR lost the courage. LOSE "to tell"
(You already said "TO TELL") (Read your piece to yourself or out loud...and LISTEN TO IT!)
Lose WOW! (Another obnoxious bit of teen meaninglessness!)
LOSE "really" "Touching" is enough!
"And kissed me" make it "kissing me softly"
How something other than the hackneyed "hang out?"
Lose "afterwards" (isn't that obvious?)
"We both sat in silence." WHERE?
Lose "a few HOURS? earlier"
Who cares about all the detail about letting one another out of the car...(first he goes...then he lets you out...then...C'mon!)
"Acting around me" LOSE "around me" (who else?)
"A few tomes?" What does this mean? A tome is a book.
You "felt" yourself "thinking?" You mean you THOUGHT! (Or perhaps you CAUGHT yourself thinking)
"Flopped through the channels" FLIPPED?
"No CLUE..." Another way overused phrase. Lose it.
Another movie. (You just did this...)
And then...hang out again? How interesting!
Needs work! (lol!)
GA
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I Liked it!!! I think that it's a great start
Nicely done I wonder if you would continue it? I'd read it!!! Nicely done
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There are minor errors, like changing "ad" to "and" in the second-to-last paragraph. Those aside, it's nicely written. It doesn't really end in a way that hooks the reader, though, or makes them want to read more. It's almost like there should be more to the paragraph. Well, all and all, good job.
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Interesting
A few words that need to be fixed - At a few tomes I felt/at a few moments (maybe?) and "out and sent time together discuss/sent maybe spent?
Also more detail is called for. Seems more like a log of what they did than an actual story. Give it more time; no need to rush. You can add in more descriptions and dialogue and this piece will improve much more.
Very good though, although too brief I enjoyed reading it.
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