Keya ran, ran with all her might, not looking back1
she could handle the beating she got nightly, the name calling, and sometime the rape, by her brothers anf her father. But waht she couldn't hande was being sold, to ppl so they can do whated ever they wanted to do to her. It wan't like they need the money, they were on of the riches family in the hole land. It was the fact that they could and would. Every time she tryed to ask one of her 12 brother way they and her father did this, they would just laugh and say "What you get is what u need to get, after all you killed are mother, you couldn't even be born a boy, no you no use to us so why no have a little fun, and get some more money on the side, right?" So keya disited to run, that night after a drunck was done with her, and took her home, she wanted untill her father and all her brother were all asleep. And she ran. She ran untill about 3:30 a.m. When she couldn't run an more she walked into an ally the even the mice wouldn't dear to enter, she sunck to the ground and pulled her feet to her cheast. She layed her head on her knees and almost fell asleep when she heard a noise, that came frome around the cornet. She puled herself up off the ground and walked farer into the ally. That's when she noiced an building, in the middle of nowere. She saw that the windows were tinted so no light could get in and noone could look in or out of the. The walked up to the door and pushed it ophen, she stood in the middld of a long hallway. Keya her music and saw smock at the end off the hall. She walked to the end of the hall and was met with anothr door, she pushed it ophen and walked inside, but what she felled to noice was a small sing that read, NO HUMANS ALLOWED. 2
Author notes
if ppl like it i'll add part 2
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Nice story.
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I am curios to see where this goes. I would like to nicely suggest that next time you post you use spell check so that some of the words are more understandable.
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um good story line, kinda, but seriously learn to spell!
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i could not understand it.
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Spelling
Yes, not to be mean, but the spelling is terrible, and hard to read. It is not organized into paragraphs, and I could hardly get the gist of it. Although what I did get from it, was a mix of ideas. The story itself is a bit harsh, and crude. The idea of all TWELVE of her brothers and father beating her, and raping her is waaaay to unbelievable. I know it happens, but, just for me, not believable.
Make a part 2, organize your ideas and writing, and post it! Do not use short forms like ppl. It is ok on msn, but not in a story.
-Kieran -
The spelling is terrible. Sorry but it makes it really hard to read, if you copy and paste it into Microsoft Word or some other word proccessor you should be able to use the spell check and paste it back. This sorts out any spelling mistakes or typos with minimal work. Spelling aside the story was good and you should keep writing.
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I like that you are making a good attempt on unleashing your creative flow, but I think the first step is to try to improve your grasp on the basic rules of writing. You really need to, at the very least, understand spelling and grammar enough to make yourself coherent. You have some nice ideas, I would like to see some progression.
Keep writing!
- CC -
yes i agree with tallblondie. i think this is a pretty good story. i hope you keep writing and don't give up. it flows and is well described.
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Needs some work with spelling and grammer. Plus you seem to slide into 'sms' speak or 'netspeak' at times.
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This is really good but there a lots of spelling mistakes. Are you putting the story into the characters view or are you just a bad speller? Or maybe you are just foreign. I would like to know. Anyways, good story, I would like to see more.
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It's a good beginning, and I'd like to see more of it. Anyways, keep on writing, lol.
Keep up the good work,
-Brian. -
It's an interesting beginning and I look forward to what comes next but there are just too many spelling mistakes. Try fixing these up, then you'll have a brilliant first chapter!
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There are a lot of spelling mistakes and it's all in one big block, no paragraphs at all. I would try and fix up the spelling errors. Once you do that I think you will have a really good story. If you edit it or if you write some more let me know because I'm really interested in what happens next.
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I think this would work better if the spelling and capitalisation was fixed up, and as others have mentioned perhaps broken up into a few shorter paragraphs.
DancingRed.
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Better work on this first!
I should just try to correct some of the basic spelling here. When writing, try to use English...rather than abbreviations and terribly, incorrectly, spelled words.
For example: SometimeS...anD...WHAT...PEOPLE...WHAT (not "whated") ONE of the richEST... FAMILIES...WHOLE..."It was the fact that they could and would" WHAT? Could and would WHAT? more words: Tried...12 brotherS...WHY...YOU...OUR mother...
What kind of a sentence is: "no you no use to us why no...etc"
Disited = DECIDED
drunk...until...brothers...ANYMORE...ALLEY...DARE...SUNK...CHEST...FROM...CORNER...PULLED...FARTHER...
A BUILDING...NOWHERE...NO ONE...THERE...SHE...OPEN...MIDDLE...SMOKE...ANOTHER...FAILED...SIGN
Whew! -
Hey, I like this. Like everyone said, as long as you fix typos and spelling errors, and you have paragraph breaks, this would definately be a nice story. Yeah, I'm not so good with that stuff, but it sure does make reading stories a lot easier. If you do a second part, remind me to read it, because I really want to!
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I really feel for your character, and it's a very interesting start. However, you need to reread and edit this because it has a lot of spelling errors, a lot of simple stuff like "u" instead of "you." Again great start can't wait to see it revised, and definetly should continue.
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it could be an interesting start. you really should revise the errors in spellings, as they really do detract from the piece. i think you should continue this story though, there are loose ends that would be fun to tie up!
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I do like it! I mean ,I do think you could go over your spelling, but the plot was awesome. Your main character seemed real enough... and the cliffhanger on the end had me wondering. Please do a second part. I'll definitely read it
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I see a LOT of misspellings. Also, try to make it little paragraphs instead of one gigantic one...It's a good story, though
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i hate the fact that no one said exactly what they like about this story, like the plot line. yes there are a few errors but who really cares?
i8 like this. it really has a lot of potential and i think you put a lot of work into the plot line.
good job, keep up the good work! its okay if there're a few mistakes. i think this was good.
dont stop! continue please!
xoxo
Tay
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A few errors like spelling. Also I would try to make more paragraphs
It's hard to read when it's all one big block. But other wise the stories not so bad by all means continue
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Erm. Not really sure what to say about this. It's very loose and doesn't seem to have a lot of reasons for what's happening (and I'm not entirely sure what is). The errors are pretty detracting from the story as well. You might want to revise this.
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I liked it but it needs a lot of work. It would be improved a lot if you just sorted out the spelling msitakes. Another point is that more needs to be written if you want people to sympathise with your main character. I can tell that you can picture what you're wrting in your mind which is good but you're going to have to give the reader more if you want them to as well.
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This is so sad, very harsh in that it's realistic. There were a lot of spelling errors and chat-speak, like "ppl" or "hande". It just needs polishing. It has potential. Good work.
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well, there were a lot of spelling errors, so many that you couldn't really follow the story very well. It's a good idea though. Just fix the grammar
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This has a lot of spelling errors and really doesn't make much sense. I don't really know where you're going with the story.
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