In a room in a suburban house, I moved towards her. The day was grim and fading, but I kept the lights off. The cold made us keep our sweaters on, though we looked at each other with naked longing. 1
As the song started, she said: Dance with me. I moved into her arms, protesting my inability to dance. Her finger stilled my lips and she drew me to her, wrapping me up and warming me against the late afternoon winter. Neil Young’s voice began to caw above the gentle acoustic guitar on the stereo as we stood there. 2
Her head was upon my chest and I could feel her quiet breathing; her little hitches and sighs. She looked up at me and said: Let me show you how to dance. 3
She led me around the floor, keeping the same, unbearable closeness between us. My feet followed hers as she whispered to me: It’s easy my love, just follow me. 4
I followed as she led me around the big, near-empty room, intoxicated by her proximity. The smell of her hair, the glistening, half-open lips, the great grey oceans of her eyes, where I could comfortably drown. I leaned to kiss her, catching her lower lip between my lips, the gentlest of kisses for the gentlest of teachers. 5
You give good kisses, she said softly into my mouth.6
Her breath tasted of well-water and windy hills and she danced me in decreasing circles as Neil sang about wanting to see you dance again. The lyric burned my brain and I found myself hypnotised by it, repeating it like a litany in my head. I was floating, halfway between sleep and wake; caught in the endless moment between the tick and the tock. Her dance had become a lullaby and she gently rocked my cares away. 7
The song stopped and she led me to the bedroom to a half-made bed, where we danced again, the oldest duet of them all, the sacred covenant between hearts and bodies. Later, as she slept, I watched her. I watched her breathing and I watched the way spider webs of hair fell on her cheek. I watched her lips move in silent sleep-speech and I watched the vein on her forehead, bluish against her cream skin. 8
I watched like a starving man would eat; I wanted to remember every detail of her in my waking dream. I wanted her imprinted on my soul and tattooed in my heart, so that all who looked should see her there and leave me alone. Leave me alone with my dream-queen. 9
And years after she left, I remember; the skin-memory of her body against mine; the breath memory of love-words spoken into my mouth; the nagging refrain: I want to see you dance again. 10
I remember her, the dream from which I have never fully awoken. 11
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 58 of 58
-
Obviously, people have told you this before, but this is truly beautiful. Is it true? It's hard to tell, because it seems so real, but it's the sort of beauty that imagination often conjures better.
Lovely writing!
-
I want to hug this dream. The description is great and the image of the scenery is awesome.
I love this story~ :3
~Rin -
Love. It's really lovely. If i could hug a story i would hug this one. It's cute and one of those unforgettable ones. I liked how you didn't have speach marks when they spoke, it would have ruined the mood. I love the way you wrote this, you practically wove this story. It's awesome.
-
I love it! I almost cried because it reminded me of my boyfriend, who I still need to teach to dance.
beginning: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4.
-
A very good read. The picture comes alive as you read this episode. Good subtle detailing. It just lead you on.
Just a reminder to use quotations for dialogue though.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
-
Wow.
Really good.
I was hung on from he first word to the last.
-
oooh, thats good. One thing, when she speaks, it needs to be in quotations and a new paragraph. Otherwise cool
-
It was a beautifully written piece! The paragraphs were a little hard to follow, but it was gorgeous piece. I absolutely loved every word of it.
Paragraph 8: bluish- blush
That's almost all I caught because I was busy reading everything. -
Like a dream
wish reality was as good -
It is a really good story, but it's a little hard to follow. You used too many different paragraphs. It's too short to have that many. Lengthen each one or combine. Also, you need to work on grammar.
"As the song started, she said: Dance with me."
It is a little, whats the word, bland. Make it two sentences so it's a little more romantic and you get the feelings, like:
'As the gentle music started, she spoke quietly but clearly. "Dance with me." '
Also, give em names
So yea. It needs a little work, but it's pretty good and gives a clear picture in my head.
Keep writing
-
Nice piece
This piece was pretty good. The details and imagery were very well written, the language was also great.language: 4.
-
wow! Beautifully written! The only line I didnt care for was the first sentence. It seemed a bit redundant to me. Other than that, the imagery you used was amazing. You were very descriptive, and it showed through my imagination. Thankyou for writing this piece!
-
Wow beautifully written and overall a breathtaking piece...it blew me away. I absolutely loved this story. Strange thing is, it almost perfectly fit with the song that I have playing on iTunes lol, although that is a bit irrelevant, isn't it?
Again, BEAUTIFUL piece! -
This was very sad and touching at the same time. Emotion was heavy throughout and the descriptions were really great Excellant read, so thanks for sharing
-
Nostalgic retrospection
A lot of us have had lost loves, in one way or another. They also have a place in our hearts, especially if you lost them, and not that they actually did something rotten to make you despise them.
You hit the spot here. It almost makes you want to cry.
Your only mistakes I saw were the quotes - no quotations marks. Great otherwise.
-
Beautiful detail of a lost love. It's fantastic, really written well and the descriptions are great. Love it.
-
Awwwwww!!! Absolutely wonderful!! A+. I loved the way the characters created such a loving and fantastical atmosphere! The ending was fabulous. Sad, yes, but very romantic. Very nostalgic. Beautiful.
-
Amazing! The description so loving and simple.
-
Well written.... Touching..... I've felt like that about men in the past! It was expressed beautifully.
-
awwwwwww i didnt get board in it i was a little sad
:'( but most of all i LOVED IT it this was longer or had like another 3 parts to it you could make it a book but i thin you sould have this story plulished into a short storys book theres a tip for you keep up the gd work!! if you have more storys to read im reading them cos i love your work!
cya
xxxxx
p.s rember se to get it plublished!! lol and plz add me or accept me as a friend and rembember to comment my work!!
thanks
sid
xxxxxxbeginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
That was well written... Keep it up!
-
I loved the whole paragraph 9...
I watched like a starving man would eat; I wanted to remember every detail of her in my waking dream. I wanted her imprinted on my soul and tattooed in my heart, so that all who looked should see her there and leave me alone. Leave me alone with my dream-queen.
This is great. Love the imagery here. -
Wow. I'm not really into romance, and I have no idea why I was drawn to read this story, but I'm glad I was.
I thought it was beautiful, perhaps because I am partially inlove too... -
few small mistakes but all in all it was cool.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
So sweet. I love the 'between the tick and the tock' part so much.
beginning: 4, ending: 4, characters: 5.
-
It makes me sad. I think you should continue with writing like this, it is wonderful.
-
O.O Awww, this is so sad.
Beautiful work...no comment. xD
-HT
-
Beautiful- you described her fantastically,
this peice really impressed me...
-
Vividly descriptive and powerful. I liked the metaphores and images these created 'spider webs of hair' and 'well-water and windy hills' well done.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
-
This is gorgeous! I love the dancing scene. The feelings of the man you showed are wonderfully portrayed. Beautiful story, very sad toned and romantic.
-
Wow, very powerful writing! I loved your imagery and how soft and easily flowing your language is. You definately have some talent here, keep up the good work!
- CC
-
well done! let me say you have writing talent!
-
Try sing " " for speech.
Extremely good flow, beautiful wording -
Very beautiful imagery. I liked the juxtapositioning at the start where you stated "The cold made us keep our sweaters on, though we looked at each other with naked longing."
Well done!beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
-
That was beautiful. I loved it, it was so imaginative and felt like I was actually there. OH, wow, I really do like this. Well done. Kais =)
-
AWESOME
This is so good. It felt like the reader, me, was in the moment with them. I absolutely loved it. The emotion was captured and it all felt so real. -
Very Well Written
The description in this story is fantastic. "the great grey oceans of her eyes, where I could comfortably drown" You made it easy to visualize and feel, and this is actually written with great wit and cleverness. Man. I wish I could pull lines like that out. You've got some serious talent here, my friend.
-
DAMN!
That held my attention better than my own stories!
-
That's so beautiful. I really wish I was that guy, even if that was just the one dance. It's really got something in it that's just so human and powerful.
-
A very lovely piece. I liked it the way you described her. Its like she already imprinted a vivid memory in the writer's mind. Real good piece! Keep it up!
-
Very detailed. I thought it was absolutly lovely.
-
wonderful i love the description in this peice its great the story is very sweet and wow great charry!
Bravvaadooo~~!
~Dawn!~&hearts!~ -
This is very beautiful. I especially like all the description you've used towards the ending.
Perhaps the beginning could have been worded differently though - so it doesn't say 'IN a room IN a suburban house'. Just my opinion.
DancingRed.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
Wow thats deep. I liked it. Very touching
-
awww.. this is so sweet. i want a man like this lol. its very well written and kept me reading, great work... really touching
-
VERY NICE
Lotsa good stuff in here: "Intoxicated by her proximity"..."grey oceans of her eyes where I could comfortably drown"..."well water and windy hills"..."moment between tick and tock!"and the most erotic line of all: "Let me show you how to dance!" Excellent. -
wow! this sounded so...so professional!! my stories are nothing compared to this! wow, wow, wow!! my heart feels warm and fuzzy. this was, truly....be-a-utiful!
luv, IMqueen
-
Wow that was very good. It really seemed like your characters would be together forever. The description was great, and it was so sweet right to the very end. Great work.
-
Wow!
I feel so ashamed of my stoires.I should write more better than all of those stories I wrote.You are really good!I mean so descriptive so amazing.So remerable.I am trying to say that is really nice and descriptive.
-
Woah, this marks my favorite second story I've read this evening. It's wonderful and I think you've done a wonderful job!
Kari
-
Is it okay for a guy to say something like this is beautiful? I agree with Heartbroken, it is. Great spelling and grammar, I don't really think you need quotation marks for this one.
-
Wow, this was simply beautiful. There's no other word for it... except maybe romantic and wonderful. You captured my heart... made me want to remember something so incredible. Keep up all the good work!
~Kevan!~
-
WOW!!! AMAZING!!!! I really liked this story I liked how it flowed, the way the story line fit in with the details Nicely done
-
Ohmygod... this made me remember the first and ONLY time (so it was the last time, too) that I danced with the first man I loved This story gave me a warm feeling, made me reminisce on the short time, and left me with a smile.
Your ending had a similar one to a story I wrote, when I fell in love again. Ah, love... we should all be blessed enough to feel unconditional love being given to us. Thank you for this read
-
This was a very sweet story, paced slowly to allow full detail, and very easy to imagine. It is interesting that you wrote the dialogue that way, though. That's how you'd write it if it were a screenplay, but, for stories, quotation marks might be more appropriate. Just a suggestion! I like how it ends, with the line, "the nagging refrain: I want to see you dance again." Nice touch.
Good work.
-
Great
I liked this very much. It had great imagery as someone already said, but also I love your choice of words. I liked the skin-memory, because as anyone who has experienced a closeness like that, can re-experience the feelings of such a situation. It's very good and very emotional.
-
Beautiful
This is beautiful, and the imagery is great. If I had to describe it in one word, it would be WOW. The words you use are luring somehow; they made me want to keep reading. There's some real talent displayed here.
-
Wonderful
Such use of words to describe the scene and the feelings. Keep it up. Truly are gifted.
beginning: 5, language: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
Adding your comment:
1 - 58 of 58
