It had been two weeks since he'd been shipped out to the Border Planets, three gorram weeks since he'd talked to his parents about his twin and almost fours weeks since he'd learned that he had a shiao mei-mei. Curian was laying in his bunk on the Alliance ship he was currently stationed on, he was wondering about how his life had changed so quickly in a matter of weeks.1
Sitting up from his bunk, the trooper sighs regretfully about his current situation. "Don't have time of this gorram ruttin' problem." He gets off of the bed and prepares for the long day ahead. He grins darkly to himself as he pulls on his uniform shirt. "Time to break in some new blood." Curian had been reassigned to a new squad once he'd arrived aboard and some of the squad was still considered to be rookies.2
As he steps out of his quarters, Curian nearly walks into the Commander. He momentarily backpedals into his quarters and gives the Commander a quick salute. "Sir, is there a problem, sir?" The Commander remains quiet for several minutes before replying, "Lieutenant Keither, I've recently heard talk about a Bounty Hunter with same last name as you. I'm curious if it just happens to just be talk about the new Lieutenant or if there is some truth behind it."3
Gorram, Curian silently thinks to himself, "Sir, it is the truth, sir. I can honestly say that I've never met my shiao mei-mei." The commander nods his head thoughful, it was almost as if he'd expected such an answer. The commander then looks at Curian with a hardened stare, "Then I take it that you would have an issue with going after the Bounty Hunter then?" 4
Curian doesn't even think about the answer, he just give it without a second glance. "Sir, no sir." The commander nods and hands him a note, "Get your men ready then, we rendezvous with the ship she's on in an hour. I trust you'll be ready?" Curian nods his head, "Sir, yes sir. We'll be ready, sir." 5
With that said and done the commander exits the room, leaving Curian with the note still clutched in his hands. He frowns at it, before opening it up to read it. He barely got past the first paragragh when he crumples up the letter and throws it angrily at the wall. Curian rushes out of his quarters, heading towards the training bay. He had men to get suited up, and people to arrest in the name of the Alliance. Just you wait shiao mei-mei, our first meeting won't be a pretty one.6
Author notes
This is actually a sample post for a Firefly RPG board and I've decided to turn into a full-length story as soon as I get a chance to get a few things straight.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Good Storey so far. I like the way you introduce it. My first impression is "I want to read more"
One thing I really noticed is that you keep switching tenses, just as CorvusCornix said. I have the same problem, it takes a lot of revising.
This being the first chapter of the storey I understand the terminology you are using won't be fully explained. However, I suggest you explain what a Shiao Mei-Mei is before you get into the Bounty Hunter part of the chapter. Is a Shiao Mei-Mei just a bounty hunter? Or more?
I look forward to reading the rest. -
The story would be a good one if I understood all the words in it. Several of the words need to be defined. Other than that it was a good read. Thanks for sharing.
-
I can tell this was once an Rp, you seem to have the age-old problem of slipping tenses. You started off the piece with a past tense but quickly flowed into a present tense. In order to progress well as a writer you must read carefull for these issues. Other than that, a very good start. Your imagination is obviously your most valued asset - use it as your strength and keep writing!
- CC -
Neat introduction. Be careful transistioning from RP to fanfiction though - some fics can still come across like they're written as scripts.
-
This looks very promising. The only thing I have to advise against is Fan-fic. If you're hoping to publish something like this be warned you are entering untouched waters. Tread carefully and work really hard on your writing.
If you do choose to pursue a publishing career I have no doubt that you'll be a hit. You're way of writing is very interesting and kept me on edge the whole ride.
Awesome job and good luck in the future!
-
Sound reminiscent of Star Wars, but different enough to be better. This is a good beginning. Just change it from past to present tense and it'll be great!
-
I liked the story, though there were some issues here and there with the sentence structure, like you said: "Sitting up from his bunk, the trooper sighs regretfully about his current situation." Like you wouldn't say sighs, you would say sighed, as in past tense. Technically that is incorrect, but that could also be your style too, I don't know. Thought I'd just pick up on it. I loved the ending! It makes me really want to read on. I will be tuned in for the next part, keep writing!
-
I love Firefly
This is different. I don't think anyones every taken the time to write about the Alliance perspective before. I hope you'll go on with this. I have one question and it might sound strange coming from someone who's watched every show, I know what mei-mei means (I call my youngest that) but what does shiao mean? Feel like an idiot.
I'm very curious to find out what happens next.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
